Tips for new grandparents

Are you a shiny new grandparent? Welcome to the club! Here are our top 10 tips for grandparents, with advice from Gransnetters in the know.

If you’re new to grandparenting, congratulations! Whether you’re patiently waiting for your first grandchild to be born or they’ve already arrived, this is a truly special time for you and your family; the beginning of a whole new journey.

Becoming a grandparent for the first time can be filled with fun and incredibly rewarding. There are so many precious moments to look forward to, from squishy cuddles to first words and first steps. But, aside from the joy and excitement a new arrival brings, it can also throw up a fair few questions and uncertainty - not only for first time parents but for first time grandparents too.

You may be experiencing a whirlwind of thoughts… How often should I visit? Should I offer to babysit? Is it ever okay to <whispers> offer the odd bit of advice?

To help get things straight in your mind, we headed to our Talk Boards to see what experienced grandparents were saying about becoming a first time nan, granny or grandad. We’ve shared some of their infinite wit and wisdom below and we really hope it helps.
 

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1. Should I offer parenting advice? 

“Keep your council.Take your lead from them.” Yammy

You’ve had decades of parenting your own kids and they’ve turned out, erm, fairly alright! So, once those precious children of yours become parents themselves, it’s understandable to want to offer them nuggets of parenting wisdom you’ve acquired, from feeding to changing nappies and implementing bedtime routines.

However - and we can’t emphasise this enough - please do proceed with caution! It can be very easy to overstep the mark as a new grandparent by offering unsolicited advice. After all, what you may perceive as ‘useful tips’ may be received quite differently…and not in a good way.

“Be aware that there are all sorts of things that are done differently from when you were a new mother. You may not agree with some things, but don't interfere and let your daughter follow the advice she's had from her professionals and the current parenting "Bible". Read this yourself!” Romola

New research and ever shifting official guidance means that parents nowadays may have different ideas and values to how you did things back in the day. The truth is that the way you parented might not be the way your own kids want to parent now. You have to respect that they have their own journey to follow, just as when they were growing up and learning to navigate the world, you had to let them make their own way and learn from occasional mistakes.

 "I have found it wise only to offer advice when asked for it."

We’re not saying that you should step back completely. If you’re asked your opinion, of course you should give it (sensitively, of course). The best way to offer support is by being on hand as an approachable sounding board, when they do ask for advice.

“In the long run, I have found it wise only to offer advice when asked for it, so I start out by telling new parents, that I shall be very willing to hear their concerns, but will only give advice if I am asked for it.” grandtanteJE65

Last but not least - avoid critiquing new parents’ parenting skills. They’re learning on the job, remember, and need non-judgy support, not marks out of 10 whenever they change a nappy.

“Never criticise what they do, things have changed a lot since our day.....And mainly enjoy” Newtothissite

 

2. How often should I visit? 

“Make sure you “don’t hog the baby”, as my daughter told me on the first day. Give the other grandparents a chance.” crazyH

One thing’s certain - once that little bundle arrives, you’re going to want to spend as much time as you can with them. However, as tempting as that sounds, it’s time to calm down a bit and look at the bigger picture.

"I emphasised we would only visit when invited."

You are one family member and your grandchild may have a whole army of doting relatives queuing up for cuddles. So, whether you live close enough for regular ‘pop ins’ or you’re a long distance grandparent who’ll be visiting the new family for an extended stay, it’s a good idea to have a chat with the new parents to find out what they’ll be expecting from you so that everyone’s on the same page.

 “My daughter had a traumatic birth and welcomed practical and emotional support when she returned home. I emphasised we would only visit when invited. We gave them space whilst SIL was on paternity leave and I booked 1 week of annual leave to be available to support if needed when he returned to work.” Kayteetay1

Oh, and ALWAYS ring ahead before visiting. The last thing any new parent wants is unexpected faces at the door when they’ve had two hours of sleep, the bin is overflowing with dirty nappies and they’ve not even managed to brush their teeth.
 

3. What sort of practical help should I offer?

“Just get on with doing any washing etc needed. Remember the parents are in charge, not you! Enjoy the role, lots of pluses.” Nellie54 

"Make them some meals and remember you're not the only grandparent."

If you’re there to help, do what they ask - whether that’s washing the never ending piles of baby gros, whipping around with a hoover and a mop or cooking nutritious meals to keep the new parents going through those exhausting few weeks. Also remember that new parents rarely, if ever, get a hot brew because there’s always something to distract them just as they’re about to take their first sip of their cup of coffee. So make sure you’re on kettle duty as and when required.

“I would say make them some meals so it’s easier for them to warm up when ready and remember you are not the only grandparent your son inlaw also has a mum and it’s her grandchild too maybe ask her if she wants to rota daily with you so you both can help the new parents.” NannaShirlz

Another thing to bear in mind is that when new families are overwhelmed by visitors, it can feel as though the baby is being passed from one visitor to another and everyone’s getting to hold the baby but the actual parents. Of course you should enjoy precious cuddles with your grandchild when asked to do so, especially if it means the new parents get a break to have a shower or a quick nap.

Whatever you do, don’t go there on the premise of ‘helping’ and then plant yourself on the sofa for hours with baby snuggled tightly in your arms…believe us, that’s anything but helpful. As your grandchild gets older, you may be called up on for babysitting duties, which bring its own joys and challenges. If you feel able to take on this responsibility, do - and enjoy every moment. But if you’re not ready for solo caring duties, scroll down and take a look at tip number 9 in our list…

 

4. What should I buy for my new grandchild?

“A playmat with dangling toys goes down well, I made one, but you could buy new. A baby sling, often used more than a pram. Whatever you get, do clear it first with the parents!” B9exchange

Let’s face it, babies are expensive and new parents often have to shell out a fair whack to get prepped. Cot, pram, bottles, nappies, romper suits, baby monitor, high chair…it’s A LOT. If you’re keen to help out by buying some essentials - or even a big ticket item such as a moses basket or pushchair - make sure you chat to your son or daughter first, before going on a shopping spree. 

“The best present I had was money for their own accounts."

They’ll no doubt have done their research on what sort of equipment will work best for them and may also have opinions on where they want to purchase their baby gear. So by all means, offer to help out by buying your grandchild a useful gift but ensure that you honour the new parents’ wishes when you do so.

“We bought them a next to the bed cradle, with a side next to the bed that unzipped for ease of night time feeding. Their choice and lasted for almost 6 months until gc transferred to a cot.” Soupy

If you’re looking for a small but meaningful keepsake gift, Gransnetters suggest something special such as a set of classic children’s books or a snuggly baby comforter toy (always buy two in case one gets lost or is in the wash!) You might even want to start off a savings account for them, to plan for their future.

“My youngest is 1 and the best present I had was money for their own accounts. They each have an ISA that was set up for birth and that’s what I wanted for the first two or three birthdays, Christmas’ and Easter etc.because they don’t need stuff but in 18/20 years that money will be very useful.” Bibbity
 

Check out the pregnancy and baby products Mumsnetters swear by here. 

 

5. What will my grandchildren call me? 

“I'm just 'Nanny' to my lot - except one family, where I'm 'Nanny white hair' (to differentiate me from 'Nanny brown hair).” Hetty58

Granny, Grandma, Nanny, Nan, Gammy or Oma…the list of potential names for a new grandparent is never ending. How on earth do you choose what your new grandchild will call you (once they learn how to talk) and who actually makes the choice anyway?!

It may be that you already have a name in mind; perhaps you’re set on following a family tradition of everyone on your side being ‘grandma’. But you need to bear in mind that your grandchild will (hopefully) have two sets of grandparents - and possibly step grandparents too - so other people’s preferences must be considered. Also, if the other grandparents already have grandchildren, they may have their grandparenting name established. 

"My neighbour insists on being called a rather unusual name..."

Whatever you’re thinking about, make sure to talk it through with the baby’s parents. After all, they’ll be the ones spending the most time using your grandparenting name with the baby so they’ll need to be on board. Also, try to choose something that will stand the test of time and will pass the <cringe> test when your grandchild is older.

“My neighbour insists on being called a rather unusual name to her grandchildren which they do not use when talking about her as they are embarrassed.” Theexwife

Also bear in mind that you might spend weeks choosing what you will be called, only for your grandchild to choose to call you something completely different, once they find their words, and for it to stick…expect the unexpected and try to embrace it because it’s all part of the fun!

“You are still the grandparent, no matter what name is picked.” Hithere

For tips on choosing names for grandparents, check out our Gransnet guide.
  

6. What if I feel left out? 

 “Grandparenting is not a competition. It really doesn't matter how much time they spend with the other grandparents.” agnurse

Some children don’t have any grandparents at all so it’s wonderful if your grandchild has grandparents on both sides. That said, having ‘two sides’ can cause a wee frisson of competition between grandparents, especially if things seem unbalanced, perhaps because the other grandparents have more free time or live closer.

"Becoming a Grandmother is an emotional time. You cannot deny your feelings."

It hurts if you feel left out of the equation but try to remember that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ and measuring your grandparenting role with that of others will only serve to overshadow the time you spend with your grandchild. So, above all, enjoy every second of precious moments together, valuing quality of time over quantity.

“Becoming a Grandmother is an emotional time. You can not deny your feelings and they are as valid as anyone’s. I would suggest you bide your time, say little and enjoy the contact that you have.” J52

Avoid causing conflict because it’s never going to end well and could lead to emotional distress for your grandchild in the future.

If, for whatever reason, you're denied contact with - or are estranged from - your grandchild, take steps to understand your rights as a grandparent and try to keep communication open (if possible) to show that you're always within reach.

Find support for estrangement on our Talk boards

 

 7. How do I cope with being a long-distance gran? 

“I live 200 miles from my DGC…Distance has no effect on being a grandmother, staying close to your DGC and we do not feel we are missing seeing them growing up.” M0nica

Gone are the ‘good old days’ when most families lived in the same village or town their whole lives, with the ability to pop in and out of each other’s houses on a daily basis. With increasing numbers of people moving further away from their extended families to study and work, grandparenting long-distance has become ever more common these days.

"We are all on Facebook and DS posts pictures almost every day."

If you raised your own children with grandparents nearby, you may feel cheated to be experiencing your grandparenting journey in a different way. It’s inevitable that you’ll miss out on the small moments that you might see if you’re round the corner - and that can hurt. Of course, you could always choose to up sticks and move closer - but that may not be a realistic option. Whether or not you're actually there for the first smile or the first steps, make the most of the moments you do experience and celebrate every milestone (big or small).

“To begin with we are all on FaceBook and DS posts pictures of DGC almost every day with a summary of where and why the photo is taken.” M0nica

If the pandemic taught us anything it’s this: advances in communication mean that most people are a mere message away, whether they’re down the road or down under, in Australia.

So make the most of technology at your fingertips. Set up a WhatsApp family group for sharing pics and updates and ensure you're on stand-by for those all-important Zoom calls. And remember that no matter how near or far you are, you have a special relationship with your grandchild that is unique to you - and nobody can take that away.

See our top tips for long-distance grandparents

 

8. What food and snacks can I feed my grandchild? 

“I have a sweetie drawer AND a biscuit tin ..or two and my GC all can help themselves .They dont overindulge or gorge on sweet stuff and I find its much better having the stuff on offer than when my own children were small and all sweets /chocolate etc was banned.” paddyann

If you’re been entrusted with babysitting duties, hurrah - enjoy solo time with your grandchild. The baby’s parents may be happy for you to wing it or may leave you with a list of instructions - if so, do your very best to honour their wishes, especially when it comes to food

If your grandchild is still tiny and hasn’t yet been weaned, make sure you understand which milk - either formula or expressed breast milk - you should be feeding them and when. For those with grandchildren just starting on solids, make sure you gen up on purees AND baby led weaning, which many parents favour these days.

However old your grandchildren are, when it comes to snacks, it’s important to know what they’re allowed. While most parents do their best to give their children a healthy, balanced diet, some have stricter food boundaries. If sweets, chocolate, crisps and fizzy drinks aren’t allowed, respect the rules.

"When they come to stay I pretty much give them what I know they will eat."

And if your little one is a ‘fussy eater’ try not to make too big a thing of it. As long as they’re getting some fruit and veg down them, consider your job done.

“When they come to stay I pretty much give them what I know they will eat.( porridge/ yoghurt/ beans/cheese/ fishfingers/ home made chicken goujons/ pizza / pasta Bolognese) I do insist they have a bit of fruit (not just bananas) and I make them a smoothie which sorts the fruit consumption!” Lucca
 

9. How do I say no to babysitting?

“Look after yourself first and only fit in childcare that doesn't tire you out and stop you having your own life.” AGAA4

When you first become a grandparent, the prospect of babysitting many initially feel like a dream come true. All that precious one on one time with your little one…joyous. However, while looking after your grandchild can be wonderful, the reality is that being in sole charge of a young child can also be really rather exhausting.

You may find that babysitting is taking over your life and stopping you from doing other things you enjoy, such as hobbies and socialising (with people who are out of nappies.)

"You need to set some boundaries and be (mostly) honest..."

The truth is that taking on too much childcare can result in it feeling like a chore, not a pleasure. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by babysitting responsibilities, you’re well within your rights to a gentle word with your son or daughter about scaling back your caring responsibilities - not just for your sake but for your grandchild too.

“You need to set some boundaries, and be (mostly) honest about why. Decide what you can manage/are happy to do, and tell your children. That might be two afternoons a week, and one evening a month, no overnights until the kids are routinely sleeping through the night, unless it’s an emergency, or whatever suits you. Then tell your children and explain that is what you can, and are willing, to do. Then say no to every request for something different, without making excuses or feeling guilty.” Siope
 

10. Can I spoil my grandchild?

“I hope I have always been a loving and fair granny to all of them. However, my own children were not spoiled, and I haven’t spoiled the GC. By spoiling, I suppose I mean sweets galore, late bedtimes when staying with us, things like that. And not OTT Christmas and birthday presents.” Calendargirl

It can feel lovely to treat your grandchild - whether it’s to a new toy or adorable little outfit. You may have more disposable income now than when you were raising your own children too. If everyone’s on board with these little treats, fair enough.

"Our rules are the rules our daughters have set for their children."

But problems can rear their head if you’re undermining your son or daughter and their parenting values and rules. After all, if Mum or Dad has already said no to something, it’s really confusing for your grandchild if Grandma says ‘oh, go on then!’

“Our rules are the rules our daughters have set for their children. Sweets, screens, electronics, clothing, swimming, walking, (amounts of exercise) and reading - are daughters directed.” Norah

Consistency is key when it comes to laying down healthy boundaries and, as with all things grandparents, it’s crucial to respect your son or daughter’s parenting values.

Also, if you’re tempted to demonstrate your love for your grandchild with grand gestures, and expensive gifts, put your wallet away. Your grandchild will love spending time with you because you’re YOU, not because you bring them mountains of stuff.

Want to chat more? To join the conversation with other grandparents - both new and experienced - register with Gransnet and take a look at our friendly and fun Talk Forums.

And for even more top tips from parenting experts, take a look at our Gransnet book ‘The New Granny’s Survival Guide: Everything you need to know to be the best gran: Amazon.co.uk: Gransnet, Ellis, Janet: 9780091948146: Books

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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