How much time is fair to give to looking after the grandchildren?

Very wise words, crimson. I hope your family come to acknowledge and appreciate what you have done for them and why you have done it.

I think you have been amazing Wallers, I rather doubt that I would be able to do the same at 70. I have been looking after 1 2 year old 2 days a week and my dd has announced her second pregnancy. I have told her that when she returns to work after 2nd maternity leave that I cannot cope with 2. She knows I will be fully supportive with tking one or both for outings or meeting from nursery and always there in emergency but no longer 2 days a week and am looking forward to less stress.

Totally agree absentgrana - I truly feel that it is just too much to ask a grand-parent 60+ to look after 2 young children on a regular basis. I wouldn't withdraw support suddenly, but I think you need to pluck up the courage to discuss arrangements for after school holidays- and you being there for emergency and occasional cover. Best of luck.

waller if you are finding the childcare is preventing you doing other things you want to do or making you too tired to do other things you need to let your daughter know or it may develop into a tense situation & when tension snaps often things are said in frustration etc

I thoroughly enjoyed the one day a week looking after my DGS that has now turned into 2 afternoons looking after him and his cousin . DH or I often do the school run as DD2 does not have a car so when really wet we offer but it is not a given!

The problem, it seems to me, is that the generation after us is waiting too long to start families. My first grandchild was by courtesy of a couple of young parents and I had all the energy in the world to play and chase him in the park and have a thoroughly good time. He is 22 now and we still have a bond from those happy but energetic times with him and his brother.
Our latest 2 little ones are from a son who is sensible and careful and got a good career and steady lifestyle started before producing. It breaks my heart that I can no longer be the grandmother I once was. If I could actually reach the floor to do Lego or play with trains I could never get up again.
It's good to air the issue of near middle aged new parents and try and get them to understand that the biggest sacrifice they may be making is the help and wisdom of the upper generation.

I think we need to remind ourselves that our children are adults and since many are having children at an older age they are 'proper grown ups'. It is not up to us to solve all their problems for them but to support and help within reason.

Seeing grandchildren should be more of a pleasure and less of a duty. That way grandparents can develop a good relationship with their grandchildren without feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilty of childminding. A good grandchild/grandparent relationship benefits everyone including our children. Maybe we should be thinking more about quality and not quantity in terms of looking after grandchildren?

There are alternatives such as nurseries and childminders and perhaps the other set of grandparents as well as the grandchildren's aunts uncles etc.

Our children as adults and parents need to make adult choices as many of our generation did with regards to work and family. Maybe working part-time and putting career on hold til the children are older? These are tough choices our children as adults need to make. A realisation that you can't always 'have it all' not all at the same time at any rate and priorities need to be set.

If Wallers5 you make yourself ill through helping too much, your daughter would no doubt feel bad and who would look after the grandchildren then? In a family surely everyones needs should be considered.

Both my DiLs had their children in their 30s as I did. One of them has put her career on hold by working reduced hours; the other managed to organise her working life to do four days instead of five. Both families used nurseries near home. Neither of them has parents or in-laws (me) living anywhere near, so they had to sort things out for themselves as I suspect they would have even if I had been available.

Chris; it's so right what you have said. Now in [I think] my fifth week of not seeing my grandchildren and realising more and more how much pressure I felt under to help with looking after them [as well as working myself]. Am beginning to acknowledge that I was close to breaking point, not just physically but feeling weighed down with the actual responsibility.

I think that our generation has a double whammy really as I have the grandchildren school holidays that their parents can't cover and any emergencies like sickness , inset days etc. I also have a 94 year old mother who although living on her own take a bit of input. I cook some meals or her do her shopping take to Dr's etc. There are times that I get really tired, I think I also have some sort of virus that pops up when I overdo it - I get achy and flu-y and feel as if I have a temperature and ghastly mouth ulcers that lasts for about 10 days - it drives me mad as it does restrict me.

whitewave - you do sound run down. Have you seen your GP? It might be a good idea to have a blood test if you haven't already had one. See what jeni says!

Well I have had it on and off for about 10 years now so I doubt that it will kill me - it is just such a pain and I would so like to find an answer. Haven't been to the Dr about it as I am sure it is a virus.

Could it be a deficiency of some kind?

i know things have changed dramatically since we were young mums , and also I am probably extremely old fashioned , but I didn"t go to work and wanted to stay at home to look after my children but as I say to my daughter looking after children is a young womans job . We get more tired as we don"t have the stamina we used to have however much we kid ourselves . Young children can be very tiring , I have to say I haven"t found myself in your position but you sometimes have to be brave and say "Be fair " please don"t overburden me, easy for me I know and also they can send one on a guilt trip , !!!!

I will never forget the kindness of my mother, my mother in law and my sister in law who looked after my children on a rota basis so I could go to teacher training college.
It was different then, families were closer and pulled together for each other.

As much time as you are willing to give and no more.
I have always had a problem saying 'No' to requests for minding the Grandchildren,.. but I am learning !
At the moment I am having to look after a 5 yr old because his baby brother is very ill and my Son & DiL are at the hospital all the time - so the circumstances are exceptional.
He is a joy to look after - but even so I get worn out as I also have a job. If it goes on for a long time I don't think I can manage the level of help I am giving.

I think maxgran has summed it up perfectly 'As much time as you are willing to give and no more'. It should certainly not be expected or taken for granted.

On a personal level I have to agree with Anniegran, as my mum took care of all my children so that I could work first of all full time and then part time. I was not a young mum - 30 when I had my first child, but my husband and I had only just started our careers and needed both salaries to provide an adequate standard of living. My children gained so much from the love and care of their grandmother and she loved them so much. Although I still work full time I feel blessed to be able to do the same for my daughter and I look after my darling grandson most days while she is studying. But I do find it tiring and recognise that I may not always feel able to offer so much support.

Great to hear other grans get exhausted too and not everyone is a supergran.
Anniegran - you were blessed having a family that pulled together. Our parents never helped which made me want to be a hands on grandparent. I carried on working but only part-time and in jobs where hours were flexible so I could usually be around at end of school - even (especially) when they were teenagers. I still had time for 20 odd years of a successful career in my own business - helped by what I learnt as a mum.
Waller 5, it sounds like you have answered your own question. If it is phycially too much, it is too much - and unsafe too.
We help with grandchildren in lots of ways but I quickly realised that physically I had to set boundaries when it came to daycare (&, Waller5, I'm only 65 ) & clearly communicate these to the parents. I only do 1 regular day a week, mainly after the age of c 11 months and at first only one at a time, rarely before 9 or after 5. Daughter couldn't afford childcare so gave up the job, trained as a childminder (does 1 day a week) and manages husband's business from home. Now the grandkids are 2 and 4 it's easier especially now grandpa has realised how much fun we were having and comes on our jaunts too.

I have agreed to care for my Grandaughter for 23hrs a week. To be able to do this I have given up working 2days a week. I have said that my daughter should not ask me to babysit in the evening after caring for my granddaughter all day,which I think is fair. But,I know that my daughter and her husband would not be able to manage finacially if it wasn't for my help. Childcare is so expensive,the government really do need to do something about this. Not just for low income families but for working families too. It is a big strain on both generations.

We share a house with our younger daughter and her family. We live downstairs and they live upstairs. When our daughter arrived here 5 years ago with her two older children she found a job working on hotel boats and we were looking after a 5yr old and a 3yr old all the time. When the season ended she came home. She has now remarried and has a 2 and a half year old and often we care for all three when she and her husband work. It is mostly down to my husband as I am disabled and he is my carer. They will go out shopping and leave the children behind just saying they are watching TV or doing homework (the two bigger ones are now 11 and 8) but there is never a thank you for looking after them. I say they have been good and there is a sense of disbelief! I say they have made things, done colouring etc but no interest is shown. We love having the children and reading to them, watching films, cooking all sorts but it is spoilt by the indifference. I have twin GS and GD in the UK who I have seen twice since they were born last year and I am so looking forward to seeing them in August. I would give anything to look after them and help my daughter when she works.

French and British friends have the same problems and pleasures regarding the care of GCs. I think that when you start questioning yourself about whether it is too much for you and for your partner - involved or not - then that is the time to stand back and possibly step down a little.

Why do people who have demanding jobs and possibly studying to do as well have children in the first place? Okay these things happen but I do feel that some children expect their retired parents to do rather more than is fair.

In the past I have helped with a little child care and helped my sons financially but the line has to be drawn somewhere. When my husband became ill and subsequently died nearly two years ago it brought home how precious this time together can be.

Very difficult situation. I visit my 3 year old and 7 month old GDs as often as possible to help my son, as he is a stay-at-home Papa. Also I love spending time with them. At nearly 68 it is tiring but, if I lived close by I would help more so my son, if he wanted to, could return to work. I wouldn't want them to go into a nursery from a young age all day. It has been a grandparents role for years to help with the children. In some societies in the world it is the norm for woman to look after all their grandchildfen. However, nowadays many grandparents are still at work, I still work 2 days a week. One thing tho' it has become a family joke that whenever I visit I come away with a cold - my daughter says the same. It is obviously all the germs my oldest GD brings to the home from her playschool.

Reading all the comments on this thread I began to think "am I a fool for doing what I do?" On Thursdays and Fridays I look after my 18mth old grandson after taking his 6yr old brother to school My son picks them up at 5pm. Yes I'm tired at the end of the day but I've had busy day which goes quickly and there's always funny episodes to think of relate to others.I think I'm making a contribution to the family and building a lovely relationship with my grandsons.
I'll be 77 later this year but don't feel it.I like to keep active and I'm sure If I didn't have the chidren to help with my life wouldn't have purpose.On the days the chidren are not here it is so easy to just sit.
Today, in the post I had a cd, which I happened to mention I might buy to my son last week,a present from my son and his wife.
Regardless of age do what you feel you want to do.I hope I've a few more years yet

geordiejoy, you dont sound like a fool to me! You sound like you have just the right balance, and it sounds rather fun!

geordiejoy; It's lovely that they sent you the cd; mainly because it's something that they made a note of when you mentioned it and it proves that they appreciate what you do for them. I think that is vitally important because, once you start to feel undervalued, that's when the dynamics of your family relationships start to go aft agley. Also the important thing is that you're enjoying what you do.

I think we've already done our bit.Feminism was something we fought for so why give it away at our age.If your daughter has a farm and a good job she can afford child are!