Instructions open an eat nuts cant even type laughig so mchu
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(761 Posts)An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."--------------------------------
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"--------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.---------------------------------------------------------
Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."-----------------------------------------------------
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
They are all genuine!
I believe you, they are funny arent they.. who writes them, a demented monkey!!! The one dont turn upside down and writing was on bottom was funny too...
Cheelu, I look through several joke sites every day, looking for some that are suitable for Gransnet. I try to avoid racist or homophobic jokes, or jokes about disablement, but the war between the sexes is fair game! Some of them are a bit 'racy' but we are all mature people here.
Only one person has said she does not find them funny and I just have to accept that she does not share my sense of humour.
Nymphomaniac
A man boarded an aircraft at London ’s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman
boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took
the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said.
"I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends
call me Paddy
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
(From my DS who heard it on facebook.)
Nellie They are everywhere. This from DD2:
Horse Burgers from Tesco?
I prefer My Lidl Pony!
Groan
50% off Tesco hamburgers!
Sounds good till you notice it's an anagram of Scoff 50% horse meat grub!
https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=325878677527791&set=a.180269475422046.38191.179918855457108&type=1&theater
again to make the link work.
50% off Tesco hamburgers!
Sounds good till you notice it's an anagram of Scoff 50% horse meat grub!
https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=325878677527791&set=a.180269475422046.38191.179918855457108&type=1&theater
Here's a 'groaner'!
A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his vehicle ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
Definitely groan
Double groan
Another groaner.
The Frog Scientist
There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.
He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet.
He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.
Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog.
It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.
He cuts off another leg.
Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.
Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet.
He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.
Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch.
So the scientist writes in his book...
Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!
cruelty to amphibians
Blond joke!
A beutiful blond boarded a flight to New York and although she only had an Economy ticket, she went and sat in First Class. The stewardess politely pointed out to her that she would have to move to economy as she didn't have a First Class ticket. The blond refused, saying "I'm blond and beautiful and I'm going to New York". Next, the senior steward approached her and informed her she would have to move because she didn't have a First Class ticket. The blond refused saying "I'm blond and beautiful and I'm going to New York". The senior steward reported this to the captain of the aircraft. The captain said he would speak to the passenger as he was married to a blond and spoke "blond", so he went into First Class and whispered into the passenger's ear, upon which she stood up immediately and went and sat in Economy. The others were impressed and asked him what he had said to persuade her so easily. He said "Easy, I told her First Class isn't going to New York".
Ouch!
_ Text Abbreviations for Seniors_
ATD- At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM- Covered by Medicare
CU@SC- See You at the Senior Center
DWI- Driving While Incontinent
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL- Living on Lipitor
OM-G - Oh My! Gas!
TOT- Texting on Toilet
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
Like lmdto!
Not that I've got any!
I had to read this twice before the penny dropped! GN.
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
Very Zen !
york46
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