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Lil's Bar

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Bags Mon 16-Jul-12 20:24:34

I've been asked to pass on a message by soop:

"Nel will be waiting at Lil's Bar tomorrow. I'll get there 2-ish."

soop can't tell you this herself, though she would like to. I'm the go-between smile

Anagram Mon 16-Jul-12 20:33:21

Hooray! smile (cautious, but hopeful!)

jeni Mon 16-Jul-12 20:35:49

YES!

Bags Mon 16-Jul-12 20:49:13

Welcome back, littlenel smile. But we can still call you nellie, can't we? flowers

greenmossgiel Mon 16-Jul-12 20:51:04

confused ??

Anagram Mon 16-Jul-12 20:58:46

Of course we can! She'll always be nellie to us!

Bags Mon 16-Jul-12 21:01:30

green, soop texted me and asked me to let people know. I don't know where she has got her information from but I daresay The Mysterious Beings have helped with communications. I'm just the messenger smile

Ella46 Mon 16-Jul-12 21:01:58

Yaay!! That will cheer us all up! smile
Hope the beer's cold and the ashtrays are clean grin

jeni Mon 16-Jul-12 21:17:01

If the men have been looking after it? You can guarantee that things won't be clean!
Ashtrays?
No smoking!

gracesmum Mon 16-Jul-12 21:21:43

Do we need to know the password to get in?
(PS that is what DH now demands of cold callers purporting to be from Microsoft or whoever "And what is the password?" - it leaves them speechless!!)

glassortwo Mon 16-Jul-12 21:23:55

Well I have been away for a week and havent got a clue what you are all talking about confused

jeni Mon 16-Jul-12 21:25:59

Oo! grace I like that! Must remember it!

Bags Mon 16-Jul-12 21:29:35

That doesn't matter, glass, just be at Lil's Bar tomorrow.

Bags Mon 16-Jul-12 21:32:44

How was your holiday, glass? Welcome back to you too!

glassortwo Mon 16-Jul-12 21:33:17

Yessss Boss grin

glassortwo Mon 16-Jul-12 21:35:09

Very nice thanks, weather was good until Thursday so cant grumble, then it rained and rained but it didn't stop us.

MaggieP Mon 16-Jul-12 21:40:22

Shall I bring some crisps and nibbles as I am going shopping tomorrow morninggrin ?

jeni Mon 16-Jul-12 21:42:27

I'm working! See you in the evening! Unless the claimants don't turn up!

I'm going to bed now!

Night all.

Anagram Mon 16-Jul-12 21:42:31

I would say yes, please, MaggieP, as I don't like the sound of the pork scratchings Lil has on the bar (there have been rumours of toenail clippings...) hmm

glassortwo Mon 16-Jul-12 21:44:16

Night jeni

Urghhh toe nails shock

MaggieP Mon 16-Jul-12 21:46:37

I will check the bags are sealed before I pay for them then!

Anagram Mon 16-Jul-12 21:47:26

Night jeni! [crescent moon]

greenmossgiel Mon 16-Jul-12 21:52:32

Oh dear...is soop now Lil or Nellie or is Nellie Lil confused

Bags Mon 16-Jul-12 21:53:33

Night jeni.

Ella46 Mon 16-Jul-12 22:04:16

Don't worry about it green, I'm sure all will be revealed! wink

I forgot about the no smoking jeni shows how long it is since I was in a pub!

Anagram Mon 16-Jul-12 22:06:13

green - No, Lil is the barmaid at the Mooning in the Square Pub. She keeps a disorderly house, and nellie is still nellie. Or littlenell. Or someone else! grin

Greatnan Tue 17-Jul-12 07:55:00

I don't care what she is called -I just want Nellie back!

Bags Tue 17-Jul-12 08:05:53

I want butty back too. She was very quiet yesterday.

Greatnan Tue 17-Jul-12 08:14:34

Nobody should feel they need to leave us over this, and I hope Butter is soon back with us.

jeni Tue 17-Jul-12 08:41:45

I think she will be!

greenmossgiel Tue 17-Jul-12 08:47:23

I think I've missed something somewhere....I must have been bringing the washing in.....confused

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 08:48:38

For once in my life I am actually lost for words,and in real life that just does not happen,have been reading all the posts and I am overwhelmed at the love and support coming across,have been very subdued and mr Nellie couldn't believe his luck he had a captive audience,and some housework actually got thought about if not actually attempted.I have a horror of offending anyone and causing anguish,hurt,or upset...so thank you all for your messages....Lil says I have to go and give her hand to open up as she has a boozer to run.....she has found pete in the gents calling for Huey on the big white telephone if anyone's finds Huey can they say pete is calling for him,Lil thinks pete has been running his own stock check

Ariadne Tue 17-Jul-12 08:50:36

nellie good to see you, gal! grin

Greatnan Tue 17-Jul-12 08:51:10

Ten thousand welcomes, Nellie! This has made my day - I couldn't bear to lose you.

Bags Tue 17-Jul-12 08:51:20

nellie, flowers xx

whenim64 Tue 17-Jul-12 08:54:14

Welcome back, nellie smile

Annobel Tue 17-Jul-12 08:57:54

You see, Nellie, we couldn't do without you. sunshine x x x

MaggieP Tue 17-Jul-12 09:01:23

Great to see you are back amongst us Littlenellie, we missed you, as you have found out.
So let's party with good cheer, amiability and tolerance, as well as a beer, toe nails and crisps!!!grin flowerswine brew as it is early, and sunshine

Greatnan Tue 17-Jul-12 09:24:43

I am not eating any of the peanuts, though - I have read the research!

JessM Tue 17-Jul-12 09:26:07

I am picturing Bet Lynch in her heyday. Welcome back Nel.

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 09:27:15

Lils thinking of employing a cook she will recruiting....

MaggieP Tue 17-Jul-12 09:31:57

Would that be part-time?

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 09:32:14

Lil closely resembles Bet lynch but absolute idol is Lily savage..she has changed her name by deed poll to Lil Savage-Lynch she has that as licensee over the door....she is now working on her health and hygiene certificate for opening her kitchen....

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 09:35:02

Yes. Maggie are you thInking of applying Lil said could you do a cv....

Ella46 Tue 17-Jul-12 10:02:49

Thank goodness you're back nellie xx flag flag

whenim64 Tue 17-Jul-12 10:05:24

I've heard from gramps who is rather shy about applying for one of your jobs Littlenellie. Do you have something he could do on a part-time basis? grin

syberia Tue 17-Jul-12 10:18:41

Littlenellie have just caught up with it all. Just wanted to pop in and say you have always made me laugh and it isn't the same without you x
Glad you are here x

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 10:22:47

Yes, indeed, nellie - I'm so glad you've come back! GN needs you! smile

MaggieP Tue 17-Jul-12 10:39:11

Maybe gramps and I could do a job-share if our CVs come up to scratch! I shall certainly have to polish mine up a bit as its got rusty since I retired several years ago.....

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 10:50:12

Lol has the perfect job for gramps he would be senior potman someone with such gentlemanly ways could teach the curmudgeonly Isiah a thing or two,Lil has a very soft spot for gramps and he could check that Isiah is not in the gents powdering his nose at every opportunity,Lil knows she and Flip flop Flo,honky tonk Glad and any other lady will be safe with him,she may also put him in charge of door security as he sounds like an old soldier......

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 10:57:55

Lil has faxed over a job offer to gramps offering him head of door security...

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 10:59:29

Oo-er! Does she really think he's up to it? You know how easily he is led astray....hmm

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 11:19:29

Lil is holding him in a position of trust ,but his contract is subject to renewal every month...

glammanana Tue 17-Jul-12 11:21:50

I'm with glass here and feel I must have missed something very very important whilst I was poorly,I can knock up a fab all day breakfast and mega three stack burger as served in our pub in Spain for years always went down well with those who had been on the beer or a big pan of curry or chilli & chips grin

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 11:40:24

Your hired Glamma we will have the official opening of granspantry at a later date.....

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 11:46:18

Granspantry does sound a lot more upmarket than the Mooning in the Square, I must say, nellie! Is Lil diversifying?

glammanana Tue 17-Jul-12 11:48:08

Thanks nellie I will get my "whites" out of mothballs I also have some jazzy chefs pants and tops,the pants are a sort of jester design they will go down well on here I think ?? lol.

Ariadne Tue 17-Jul-12 12:11:07

Oooohhhh! Chips! Proper chips too. I cannot wait.smile

Greatnan Tue 17-Jul-12 12:17:40

Don't get your security from Gs4! Can the chips be thin and crispy, please?

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 12:17:56

Ana that is a real name for a pub from where I used to live I just tweaked it ...it was really * moon on the square* honest...*granspantry is the restaurant where Lil will do ala carte menu but the moon is diversifying into bar meals to keep the punters happy so we have a new chef * glamma-* and we are looking for a sou chef

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 12:20:01

Of course flip flop will be waiting or flinging depending which part of the establishment she is in....

MaggieP Tue 17-Jul-12 12:21:52

Have you received my rusty CV yet? I am not looking for sou chef however, anything else going?
What about tending the hanging baskets and flower tubs at the front and in the beer garden?

MaggieP Tue 17-Jul-12 12:28:26

P.S. I am sure that when Soop returns she will be wanting a good job too!

Greatnan Tue 17-Jul-12 12:35:20

May I be the taster, please? You can try out all your new meals on me.

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 13:27:59

Lil is happy that she has a food taster,a gardener, Lil would likesoop to do a lovely Muriel for the wall...still need a sou chef.....

Ella46 Tue 17-Jul-12 13:31:27

nellie if gramps is'nt up to the job, I can help out occasionally. As a retired barperson, (my ex told my kids that it was like being a prostitute!)I've chucked out my share of burly drunks and I still pack a mean right hook!

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 13:36:28

Not me, nellie, I don't think I could cope with all the flak!
Tempers can get quite frayed after an all day and half the night session.
Perhaps Pete could be seconded?

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 13:41:00

Littlenellie flag sunshine wine cupcake flowers grin I couldn't be happier than I am right now. By the heck, matey, I didn't 'arf miss you. As did many others. Now then, to celebrate, I'll kick off with a treble malt. HIP HIP HOORAY!

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 13:46:21

grin grin grin I did say I'd meet nellie at two sharp. As usual, I'm early. I'll sit quietly on the high stool at the end of the bar. Looking forward to meeting some good mates.

glassortwo Tue 17-Jul-12 13:51:16

soop after a treble malt you wont be sitting quietly on the high stool you will fall off grin

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 13:58:03

glass Whatever do you mean? I am focusing really well at the mo' and having stood over a steamy ironing board all morning [started work at the guest house today] I'm feeling nice and mellow. What a difference having nellie back has made to my mood. As soon as I read her opening message, I couln't stop grinning.

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 14:06:10

Lil has spoken to gramps and he agreed to be head of the door...he has just faxed over his acceptance and Lil has called a staff meeting also known a p**s up in the bar..*flipflop and Isiah heave become an item,and our tame plod is still casting covetous glances at honky tonk glad..there will be a karaoke with Isiah and flipflop doing a rendition of EltonJohn /Kiki Dee .dont go breaking my heart..although Lil suspects killing me softly might be more appropriate....Ella Honky tonk would like you to be her personal bodyguard just in case she gets knocked off her stool by people rushing her for her autograph..she obviously believes in her self,please don't disillusion her ,as we all know there is no beginning to her talents,but she is cheap and available...

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 14:09:40

I would like to thank you all again the drinks are on me ,and Lil agrees....hope you stay sitting while you are ironing Soop we must discuss a Muriel for the bar...

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 14:10:43

So...where's that treble malt you promised me hours ago? wink

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 14:16:54

...and why is gramps helping himself to a pint of best bitter. I thought he was supposed to be the doorman grin

Greatnan Tue 17-Jul-12 14:18:50

May we have chairs with proper backs, please - I can't sit upright on a stool all night, after a bottle of Chablis.

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 14:25:54

Greatnan there will a list for customer requests left on the bar. Nellie will peruse before asking ordering the chaps to organise things.

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 14:28:03

Free drinks all round today..team bonding exercise today...

MaggieP Tue 17-Jul-12 14:37:05

This is all great, shall we have a team photo too, there must be an experienced photographer who is probably already propping up the bar or on their way to join the merry throng, please note I haven't spelt that wrongly. This is all above board and we can also welcome the fact that the Jet Stream is finally moving north and we will have SUN sooooon. sunshine. It does wonders for the spirit!! And Littlenellie's Homecoming. smile

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 14:40:26

I'm sneaking in unobserved, I hope!

I'm not DRINKING this pint, Oh no -I have to check it's quality and "Thickness", Something called viscosity, I think! Damn, me lens has fallen aht me flippin' glasses agin, straight into Pete' pewter tankard, wots arf full too. 'opes 'e don't swaller it!

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 14:44:31

Slainte! Maggie...good to see you looking so fetching in your beautiful summery dress. Love the flower in your hair. What with the opening of Lil's new bar and sunshine on the way, we've all good cause to celebrate. smile

greenmossgiel Tue 17-Jul-12 14:47:51

Would I please be able to apply for the post of assistant to the assistant dishwasher? I have suitably bad hygiene habits and am not averse to wiping the floor with the teatowel, though only when no-one's looking. I wait in anticipation for your reply...Yours obsequiously, Green Teeth. grin

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 14:51:11

Did you get my dt , er,ng WOTS it called Nell, CD? OH, thats a long name -
curriculum vitae!
I couldn't spell that! blush

snapshot Tue 17-Jul-12 14:53:01

It's good to see you again Nell .. mind you I'd prefer to see you through the bottom of a pint glass! .. I'll take a team photo .. after all I've taken enough team shots of my local rugby club.

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 14:54:40

green grin I cannot speak for Lil. I'm told she has lofty standards!

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 15:06:02

Snappy lad,
Thanks mate! Can I get you a G&T? [G&T]

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 15:10:33

snap The bar is filling up. Standing room only. Lots of merry banter and chinking of glasses. Isn't it good to have such an 'upmarket' virtual local?

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 15:24:33

hmm I'm not sure you're in the right bar, soop!
This lot are from the local homeless shelter - gramps let them in by mistake, thinking they were the vice squad!

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 15:48:07

Anagram Ah! I'm in the upmarket snug all leather uphostery and highly polished tables. I know my place wink

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 15:59:06

Ahem! A gentleman has just wandered in looking all casual and carefree. He's wearing a trilby hat pulled down over his eyes, a false nose and thick lens specs...and the beard looks a little too long and shaggy for his age. I've a very strong suspicion that the afore-mentioned gent is none other than gramps in disguise. grin

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 16:08:29

SSHHHHHHHhhhh!

My glasses make me feel as I've made a spectacle of myself!

Can I crawl under this table? OOops , Sorry madam! blush

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 16:13:43

Pete here? Has he found my lens yet? It landed in his pewter pint pot, and sunk out of sight!

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 16:15:20

That doesn't explain the disguise, gramps. I thought you were supposed to be on the door?

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 16:17:42

I let some nice people in 'cos I thought they said "advice" squad!

greenmossgiel Tue 17-Jul-12 16:19:46

Well, I'm just going to do a bit of on-site training, to see if anyone notices how high my low hygiene standards are. No-one will notice me, because I'm quite low down in the pecking order of the kitchen. I'll just give my protruding toenail a bit of a trim, seeing as it's sticking out of my plimsoll - oh! Nevermind, they'll never notice that in amongst the pork scratchings....right, I'll just go and find the pig-swill bucket there may just be something there....hmmgrin

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 16:22:12

green, I think you have definitely brought the tone down a notch or two - Lil will be pleased!

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 16:28:57

OLD! Yes - soldier -- NO, THey would not let me join as my only wartime experience was the Crimea. Sort of, neither "ea" or there like!!

I can look bigger if I blow up me inflatable vest wot I found under me seat on an aeroplane a few weeks ago! Its got a whistle and a little light too!

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 16:34:16

I've got a bit of a limp. Think its the damp in the cellar - not that I'm complaining though!

greenmossgiel Tue 17-Jul-12 16:35:57

I've not even had my interview yet.....I do hope that when Lil returns from the 'clinic' that she feels I'm good enough confused. I hear that the selection panel for my post can be pretty tough on job candidates. I've found the pig-swill bucket, but what is this in here.....oh, the teatowels are steeping....I'll just give them a bit of a stir round......or is it the grandchildren's nappies..oh it's ok, it's tripe, I think......confused

MaggieP Tue 17-Jul-12 16:39:33

Cheers to you Soop, glad you like the dress and flower, you scrub up nicely too, are you ready for another drink yet and some nibbles, and where are the rest of the gang, some are still travelling here maybe, there is plenty of space for more, maybe GN HQ might like to drop in before going home?
Where is Pete ?

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 16:44:03

Anagram Nellie thinks that's what she employing gramps to do. Seems to me, he's shirking. By gum she'll have something to say when she returns from the cash and carry. gramps...so, bells and whistles. If you should keel over and finish up under Pete's table [with a dog that looks suspiciously like...no, it can't be you-know-who!] then all you have to do is blow your whistle and some poor soul will rescue you...just pray that it ain't Nellie
green...and there was Lil claiming to have standards. Thought that she had her eye on a Michelin star or two.

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 16:45:36

How the devil dare you call Lil's pub guests "tripe". Oh dear me Greenie, she'll be agrieved ,I bet! grin

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 16:51:19

I sense trouble ahead! This bar looks an absolute shambles. Crisps crunched into the sawdust. Customers wandering around with a drink in each hand [well it is on the house] and gramps grovelling under the far table because the dog snatched the beard off his face. It's all so noisy...can't hear what greens yelling from the kitchen - something like, who's is the tripe and onions?

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 16:57:56

Green, you haven't emptied all the jars of pickled onions into the pig-swill bucket and mixed them up with the tea-towels? Elf'n'Safety won't be pleased - that's it! I'll be Elf'n'Safety Monitor, but quite a lax fair one....we don't want Lil's bar shut down before it's even been properly open!

jeni Tue 17-Jul-12 17:00:36

You haven't let Donald in have you? Hell run off with the food.

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 17:06:19

Anagram It takes a classy dude [like what you are] to keep standards from going down the proverbial! Anyone seen or heard from our Nellie? She was going on some sort of errand. I note that Pete's been suppin' her celebration drinks. At one time she had half a dozen lined up on the bar. Hic! Oh, maybe I have had a few too many. Should I bed down under the settle alongside that dog...or what? The dog appears to be wearing gramp's false beard.

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 17:08:24

jeni I knew it...that Donald is wearing gramps false beard. Nellie will be pleased!

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 17:11:35

No, that's gramps, soop. He came over all peculiar and had to have a lie down (some bouncer he is!). That's the dog's tail draped over his face - the beard is a chewed-up mess, probably in the pig-bucket by now, you know what greens like with her improvised bar-snacks!

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 17:13:35

Know what - I've had a perficly spiffin party. Mr soop is honkin' on the car horn outside. I've yet to get up from under this table, meander my doddery way to the door and wish you lot a very pleasant good evening. 'Tip toe through the tulips...lah de dah...oops...blush grin wink flag

soop Tue 17-Jul-12 17:14:54

Nightie night, m'darlins! grin

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 17:15:42

Mind how you go, soop! grin (Oh dear, too late....)

MaggieP Tue 17-Jul-12 17:18:28

Thanks Littlenellie, It's been a great gathering and am sure there will be more dropping in later, but I have Pilates soon and am not sure if I can balance on one leg (as required) if I stay much longer. Soop has already bumped into me as she clambered out from under the table!
See you tomorrow?

Pete Tue 17-Jul-12 17:22:42

Not a 'thank you or kiss me ass' for keeping the bar open...just alot of shaking heads and tutting over the stock check..... ONE empty barrel of Bitter...must have leaked.... smile

Ella46 Tue 17-Jul-12 17:26:28

Pete you might want to go home and change your shirt....it seems to have quite a lot of leakage down the front!!

nellie will be after you if she sees it!

Ariadne Tue 17-Jul-12 17:32:54

Just popped in for some chips - lovely. Good to see nellie back! Bit too lively here for me, off to sit in the sun.

Pete Tue 17-Jul-12 17:42:26

ella glad it was only the shirt smile

greenmossgiel Tue 17-Jul-12 17:43:15

Glad you liked the chips, Ariadne....had a bit of a problem cleaning the fryer out, but once I'd had a go with the gritty cloths from the pig-swill bucket - I think they were perhaps dish-cloths hmm - the fryer cleaned up not too badly at all. Of course, the added gritty bits will have added to chips' savoury flavour. Might try that again. grin

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 17:45:03

I tried not to let it go to waste Pete, but its gorn te me bladder -- MAKE WAY you lot . ooooer, hold on, nearly there. ouch, bloody pooch - now see what ye'v done. Got a bucket Pete,'n mop! Damn dogs! Made a mess on the new sawdust!! No Pete, not THAT cloth. that's the wiper-up -on one!

I think Lil's got more almost new sawdust in the coalhole. I'll 'ave a gander. Ooooer, 'taint arf dark dahn 'ere! I'm not goin'dahn there on me tod - NO way!! shock

numberplease Tue 17-Jul-12 17:49:11

Just found this place, took me ages to read through all your antics! I just hope that Lil keeps a decent port on her bar shelves, and some ice cold, fizzy lemonade to go with it. Don`t fancy Green`s chips right now (sorry Green), but is there a nice pork pie going begging?

Pete Tue 17-Jul-12 17:49:40

gramps I've told you not to mix your drinks.....

numberplease Tue 17-Jul-12 17:52:46

So sorry Nellie, meant to welcome you back!! xx

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 17:54:38

number, you don't want to know what's in Lil's pork pies.....
If I knew, I'd have to close her down!

glammanana Tue 17-Jul-12 17:55:35

The first of the meals are ready,who ordered the chicken and bacon wraps with steak chips do you want salad with that,I wish you would make the orders clear I am not a mindreader,who wants the steak pie and mash,do you want gravy ?? The treble beefburgers are still sitting on the counter don't blame me if they are freezing cold,somebody ordered 3 all day breakfasts they are next on the list so stop moaning.Where is that woman who is collecting plates I'm running short,bet Gordon Ramsey doesn't have this problem,I'll be back after I've had my tea break. Pass me that pint over here !! grin

greenmossgiel Tue 17-Jul-12 17:56:13

It's ok gramps - use this one. It doesn't show the muck the same. My old mum always used to buy things that 'wouldn't show the muck', bless her. She was a shining example.....taught me all I know about kitchen hygiene, she did. wink Always losing her fag-end, though.....confused. number, there were some tasty pork pies at the back of the fridge the other day....here they are - I'll just wipe off some of this green stuff...gramps - where's that cloth? Have you finished with it yet?

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 17:58:22

Sorry green, can't allow usage of that cloth (Elf'n'Safety, y'know!). It wouldn't matter so much if it had just been used to wipe the floor, but gramps had rather a nasty accident and that cloth was used to mop up the excess....

merlotgran Tue 17-Jul-12 18:04:01

Welcome back, Nellie, I didn't know you'd gone. Sat Nav packed up so I had to follow numberplease to find out where everyone was having a p**s up discussing community matters. Any merlot on your shelf? wine grin

Nonu Tue 17-Jul-12 18:07:03

Is there music ? loud and plenty of it , marley , pitbull, Maroon 5 or is it a discreet little watering hole ? This would influence whether I will visit it or not . {wink]

greenmossgiel Tue 17-Jul-12 18:16:22

Oh....well give it here anyway. I'll dry it out over the oven....it'll do for wiping over the bar later.

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 18:29:28

Wring it out in the pig-bucket first - it needs a bit of body to ferment the tripe.

greenmossgiel Tue 17-Jul-12 18:34:48

Good idea, Anagram.....there! Now, seeing as Lil's not here yet, I'll make everyone a nice sandwich. I'll just give my hands a bit of a wipe - now...tripe sandwich anyone?

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 18:41:51

Think I've eaten too many pork scratchings (some of them are very chewy!), so I'll pass, thanks....
I'm sure gramps and Pete would like one, though. They look as though they could do with a bit of stodge to sober them up.

Littlenellie Tue 17-Jul-12 18:50:05

Nonu ask honky tonk glad she can bash out any tune tune on the ivories...
LIL will be on her way back soon she had a meeting at the bank to secure funds for her expansion,she has sent me to see what you have all been up to...she doesn't want to raise expectations to high,I think she will extremely pleased when she returns and finds chaos reigning it reminds her of our childhood,our mother was of the same old school as Greens mother..Lil used to copy her style when she was younger headscarf tied on top of two plastic rollers in the front of her hair,a floral penny,and checked booted slippers with the bunions cut out and her stocking rolled down to her ankles,and her teeth in the pickled onions...although I trust green wouldn't follow that example...oh and by the way Green you are hired..has * pete* found Huey for whom he was calling...tomorrows special board will feature all leftovers in a pAstry crust and served in the restaurant as they will not know about this afternoons events..Lil is extremely pleased at today's staff meeting,and suggests we h,ave another tomorrow all are invited this bar is very much like Lil cheap and cheerful,Lil has ordered a juke box for the corner ...and tiddlywinks....

greenmossgiel Tue 17-Jul-12 19:00:11

OoooH - goody! I'll not let you down, Lil! Promise! I've got an old pinny of mum's. I'll wear that tomorrow. She used to keep her fag-ends in the pocket so there are a few shreds of baccy in it as well as burn-holes. If the baccy falls in anything, it'll not do anyone any harm...it's only herbs, after all. Tiddlywinks are a good idea...(actually gramps did a tiddle under the table, but it's all cleaned up now) grin

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 19:01:32

I don't think Pete's found Huey, nellie. He was calling very loudly for him in the Gents just now....

Ella46 Tue 17-Jul-12 19:30:04

More leakage on the shirt Pete!!

Nonu Tue 17-Jul-12 19:37:10

Littlenellie , I will certinly ask if she can knock some songs I like , then I can dance round my handbag , oh forgot , I don"t bring my my bag anymore as I expect to be treated ,mine"s a large one . I definatly [spelt right] wearing my 4 inch heels , but won"t have too short a skirt on , got be decorous you know wink

Pete Tue 17-Jul-12 20:28:22

ana I found him! (behind the shed) ella yeah another shirt, just as well they're drip-dry smile Anyway is it my round...again.. grin

numberplease Tue 17-Jul-12 21:07:35

Mine`s a port and lemonade, in a pint glass please, but I`ll pass on the pork pie, and just have a packet of crisps.

Anagram Tue 17-Jul-12 21:13:47

Wise choice, number - just check the packet hasn't been opened and resealed, the Vice Squad isn't here for nothing, you know...wink

numberplease Tue 17-Jul-12 21:23:37

This is one good way of dieting, looking at the food (food??) on offer in here!

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 23:24:57

'Ere you lot, get the OTHER side of the bar will yer! angry
Wotcher say? You WORK here. (just started electrocution lessons, see!)

Oh, Greenie, I din't recognise yer wearing that flashy pinny! You other lot, "B" off!! That wiper-up-cloth Greenie, did yer 'ide it afore the elf'n safety bods got 'ere? (electrocution lessons seem to be NBG!)

Greatnan Tue 17-Jul-12 23:35:14

Who's pinched the darts - I've found the board. I think that Bags has been using them to practise archery.

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 23:39:19

YIKES , They MEANT electrocution lessons. Who's the clever 'andy man round 'ere?Puttin' five cables into one plug - NOT good idea. Lucky I was standin' on Pete's shirt and pants, which are fortunately dry. It could 'ave bi a shockin' experience! Made me eyes light up !shock

gramps Tue 17-Jul-12 23:51:41

Gotta go now,I feel like Finklestynes Monster, little flashes of light sparkin' out of me finger tips! Sparks come down me nose when I sneeze!

G'night all! (flash,bang, sizzzzllleel)

Pete Wed 18-Jul-12 00:03:57

number is that just a dash of lemonade? grin gramps get to bed....it will all be a lot worse in the morning.....

glammanana Wed 18-Jul-12 07:39:58

The things that you find the morning after the night before,I bet some have a sore head this morning,never mind loads of bacon butties on the way all with a dash of brown sauce.grinI'm busy today so if you want food before tonights session you will have to fend for yourselves,Keep the kitchen tidy and don't eat all the chocolate cake,I know how many slices there are left !! grin

GoldenGran Wed 18-Jul-12 08:22:04

Misse all this yesterday, welcome back littlenellie the sun shines once again.sunshine

MaggieP Wed 18-Jul-12 09:34:51

Morning all, looks like those of us who left early missed a rowdy evening, who trampled on my newly made flower pots and who pulled lobelia out of the hanging baskets? It was draped around Lil's front door, all red, white and blue!
I will be back later to make amends and woe betide the culprits if I catch them.....grin. What will Littlenellie have to say?

greenmossgiel Wed 18-Jul-12 09:49:37

Who's my boss here, anyway - is it Lil or littlenellie? I can't be doing with not knowing who my boss is, because I've got quite a high profile job in this establishment. glammanana, the bacon butties that you made should've been put on that plate that I'd left on the draining board next to the pig-swill bucket. I'd given it a good wipe over with the teatowel that gramps had used and which I dried out over the oven, so it was perfectly clean. However, what do you go and do? You took another plate off the shelf where the mousetraps are....must empty those mousetraps when I've got a minute..hmm Found a bit of MaggieP's lobelia floating in the pigswill bucket - what on earth's been going on while I was having a well-earned lie-down?

Pete Wed 18-Jul-12 10:07:46

I think Lil is your boss green....but then again it could be Nell just depends on the day smile Yes a bit of a mess was left....a few people were giddy and drinking on 'empty heads'...no names.. grin

greenmossgiel Wed 18-Jul-12 10:20:08

That's the trouble these days, Pete - too many chiefs and not enough Indians! I've not been given a job description or anything! I'll just have to use my common-sense confused. Well, we'd better get started clearing up before the Environmental Elf gets here - we know what SHE can be like when she gets a bee in her bonnet! I'll just nip out the back for a quick fag.....I think I've got a 'doofer' in my pinny pocket (my old mum used to call them that, bless her)! grin

Littlenellie Wed 18-Jul-12 10:35:19

Just to clarify Lil is the owner and manager and pays the wages and does the hiring and firing,I have m,y own career I am matron'but for some reason Lil uses me as her mouthpiece as I am used to handling people..one has to have some perks to ones job...Lil is very pleased at the way things are progressing,she likes to run a happy ship,all we need now is to get some regular characters in,and start making some money...Lil is looking for slogans to advertise her wares....and a sample menu for chef any ideas should be brought up in the staff meeting today...don't bother to tidy up no doubt it will be the same tomorrow perhaps gramps and Isiah will chuch some more sawdust down and mop the gents...just chuck the dirty laundry in the sink with the dishes...green fag ash and baccy sound a good combination and round the back by the outside lav is some herbal plants they have 5 leaves and tase wonderful in a space cake,sorry mean spice cake..can be added to other recipes as well....I will be in my office if I am needed Lil has asked me to cook her books and advertise for a creative accountant...

Littlenellie Wed 18-Jul-12 10:37:54

By the way soop is going to paint a Muriel for the wall make sure she is supplied at all times with treble malt.....and help yourselves to staff perks....

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 11:05:16

Cor, my hangover is a blast! Popping in to Lil's for glass of tap water. Lil's prices are reasonable [for her mates] but a bit steep for the odd proper customer. Gracious me, what a mess! Who's been using the soda syphon to knock Lil's three plaster ducks off the wall? I can see that I'll need rubber gloves, a pinny, carbolic soap and a bucket of rainwater from the outside barrel to clean this lot up. Can't work on my 'muriel' until I can find the wall on which I hope to create a masterpiece...sure it was behind the bar...so, who shifted it?

greenmossgiel Wed 18-Jul-12 12:12:24

I'd lend you my pinny, soop, but I'll be wearing it all week, and it's always handy if I forget to bring my hanky. Just nipped out round the back of the lav - thunderbox we used to call it in my younger days - and found the five-leaved plants Littlenellie mentioned. I picked some of that, and some of the rhubarb that grows next to the lav wall. We could have a lovely crumble! Maybe the cook will let me give the rhubarb a wipe? Cook might want to use the 5-leaved herbs to 'season' the crumble, perhaps?

MaggieP Wed 18-Jul-12 12:20:44

Maybe I should create a herb box or two then, a good mixture and you can try and guess what they are, don't tell anyone though, you never know who might come and pinch some! Ready in time for Autumn crumble possibly?
I haven't seen GrannyHaggis for a while, is she away? But good to see merlot gran back again, I note elsewhere there is now a Burgundy gran too, are there any Sauvingnons or Pinots amongst us?wine

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 12:34:35

green I'm very choosy. Cleanliness is next to godliness [and all that] so I regret that I cannot accept your generous offer to share your pinny. I have nominated myself to be the Lil's bar cleaner. Once a day, whether you lot like it, or not, I shall empty the bar and snug and kitchen of all personnel. You'll be sent to stand in the car park. I intend scrubbing the pots and pans with wire wool. The freezer and cooker are going to shine. The bar will receive a good deal of elbow grease and the sawdust changed. No dirty glasses to be left on the tables. All ash trays emptied. The WC will win an award...I'm painting the walls pure white and there will be fluffy, clean towels - and posies of wild flowers on the shelf. Out goes the scratchy Izal. In comes the Andrex. The hanging baskets will be watered by gramps and Pete can polish the brass. When I've performed a minor miracle, the door will open and you lot will be welcome to return. I have to warn you, any disgusting habits [that I witness], will be noted on the blackboard headed Today's Specials. So, who would like a decent pint in a gleaming glass? Don't all rush...an orderly queue, if you please. wink

glammanana Wed 18-Jul-12 12:53:28

soop remember to wrap your hair in a turbon (think Hilda Ogden) it will keep all the dust and sawdust out of your hair,I am off shift until to-morrow but have left a big pan of scouse and beetroot for supper menu if anyone wants to help themselves,I will leave an honesty box by the bar ???

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 13:14:54

glamma Are you 'avin' a laff! Honesty Box! hmm Like the sound of the supper menu. What exactly is it? I'm about to starch some napkins. They'll be numbered. Any go missing, I want to know about it. wink

Anagram Wed 18-Jul-12 13:47:28

That soop can be a bit of a martinet when she gets going, can't she? grin

merlotgran Wed 18-Jul-12 13:48:32

Starched napkins shock Has Lil been watching too much Downton?

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 13:57:50

Lil doesn't know [yet] that I'm in charge of domestic duties. When I walked in earlier today and saw the utter chaos, I almost had a touch of the vapours. Hyacenth Bucket would have needed resuscitating [with a double brandy]. Haven't set eyes on the chaps. They'll be in for right telling off when I catch them. hmm

Pete Wed 18-Jul-12 14:05:55

soop seeing to the brass will suit me down to the ground. Cheers! grin

Ella46 Wed 18-Jul-12 14:09:20

I can almost hear the revolt starting, SOOP the chaps won't like all that clean and shiny stuff, it spoils the taste of Lil's Ample Bosoms! As for the fluffy towels... well you've got to be kiddin'.. with gramps around??

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 14:09:42

That's fine then, Pete. Since you appear to be almost house proud I'll let you off the scolding this time...but be warned! grin

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 14:15:25

Ella What I may decide to do, is allow the boys to use the games room unhindered by mops, buckets, polish, brooms, disinfectant, and bossy domestics. wink On the understanding that wait on we girls in order to take advantage of the priviledge.

greenmossgiel Wed 18-Jul-12 14:18:54

You and I will make a good team, soop. My hygiene is second to none, having been trained by both mother (Fag-ash Fan) and mother-in-law (Slack Agnes), who was very careful to boil father-in-law's drawers in the soup pot whether they needed it or not. Such were her standards. ['proud' emoticon]

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 14:18:58

Should have written ...that they wait on we girls...

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 14:23:30

We could be classed as opposites that attract, green. My lovely mum wouldn't allow me to use the front door [meant for visitors] or go to the bathroom [when she had just that minute cleaned it] or walk in my newly polished shoes until I was about to leave the house [so I sat on the kitchen table]. Mind you, I was but a wee child at the time...and knew no better. grin

numberplease Wed 18-Jul-12 18:18:58

Pete, if it`s a pint glass, 2 thirds port to one third lemonade please.

numberplease Wed 18-Jul-12 18:23:18

I`m a bit scared to come back there now, that Soop`s put the fear of God into me!

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 18:36:32

number Shh...don't be afraid. I'm a real pussy cat at heart. It's just that standards are at rock bottom. If Lil is to get a decent clientele, someone, [the cleaner] has to take a firm stand. Nellie would have been horrified had she wandered into the dive bar earlier today. wink
Would you like a cherry on a stick for you portcocktail? We aim to please. grin

Pete Wed 18-Jul-12 18:39:40

number like your style..but a little too much lemonade? soop has got a bit giddy....but she has told me I can see to the brass so thats ok with me! Cheers grin

soop Wed 18-Jul-12 18:40:41

That's it for another day of fun-filled high-jinx. The kitchen [my own] needs an attendant. I'll leave number to look after the bar. Keep a very beady eye on the boys ...they tend to forget their manners after a couple of pints of you-know-what! wink

Pete Wed 18-Jul-12 18:49:54

grin

Ella46 Wed 18-Jul-12 18:58:48

Ok the coast's clear now soop's gone we can start the party!
I'll start pulling Lil's Ample Bosoms for anyone that fancies a slurp, Pete, gramps you can come out now....where are you?
Quick before they go flat!

greenmossgiel Wed 18-Jul-12 20:31:47

I've having a scrub at the pumps....(is that the other name for Ample Bosoms)? They've come up a treat, and I've taken the liberty of pulling myself a small taster of Lil's best mild........(green smacks her lips and wipes them on her pinny). grin

Ella46 Wed 18-Jul-12 20:48:02

I'd heard you were a bit of a scrubber in your spare time green grin. You seem to have done a good job anyway!

Greatnan Wed 18-Jul-12 20:48:04

Oo, are we having hot pot with pickled cabbage? Count me in.

gramps Wed 18-Jul-12 21:14:01

Wotta ruddy racket! 'nd that dopy Donald thought I'd got his tail -'e got my beard. Took three days to grow that did! I pretended to be asleep when that sexy soopy soo crawled under the table with me. Don't want no trubs wiv Mr Soop. 'Es much bigger'n me. an' 'e talks propper like -innit?
Where's that silly ol' so.....sidge Isiah got to. I see that Lil's make up box has gorn, leavin' a trail of face powder in direction of the loo! 'Siah -come aht of there NOW! Bloody 'ell, what the 'ell do you look like? 'n take Lil's skirt off. I don't know what the world is comin' to!! shock

Littlenellie Wed 18-Jul-12 21:29:11

gramps sorry to disillusion you but that isn't face powder Isiah has a HABIT for which he is receiving counselling .....I see soop has been very busy every thing is immaculate .....but we can soon remedy that LIl is very pleased with everyone's efforts....pete leave the brass alone

Littlenellie Wed 18-Jul-12 21:48:19

Lil has bought a little dog to keep her company a small one to sit in her handbag behind the bar...she has named him Ralph...if he should get lost and asked him name he can answer RALPH RALPH,..she is working on him learning mooning on the square as his address...ella many gents have sampled Lils ample bosom but the nuns knickers don't get much interest but a few find the bishops hat very uplifting....we are to get two new bar staff twins call pat and phyll.. all members of staff are being asked to wear a name badge....Pat and Phyll's will certainly create an interest...
In the interest of corporate imaging Lil is requesting the phone to be answered thus......"good morning/afternoon/evening mooning on the square *** speaking with whom am I having the pleasure,can I offer you some personal service.....we are hoping to solicit us much trade as we can get hold off....personal tips and payments can be kept...

Anagram Wed 18-Jul-12 21:51:35

nellie, I can see it's going to be a challenge getting things back to normal in time for opening every day after soop's sterling efforts, but the regulars are used to a much lower standard...
Good job green and the rest aren't as fastidious or Lil would throw one of her infamous tantrums!

Anagram Wed 18-Jul-12 21:53:25

Oh dear, I don't think phyll's going to last long.....

numberplease Wed 18-Jul-12 21:57:05

Soop, no cherry, but a nice chunk of fresh? lemon would be nice. Not sure if I`m the right one to be left in charge, I`m a shy little thing, daren`t say boo to a goose, I`m afraid those men, and those rather rough ladies, will walk all over me. shock confused

Littlenellie Wed 18-Jul-12 22:09:02

Number perhaps you would like to be in charge of telephone bookings for the restaurant and receptionist for the BB sure Lil will find you a nice little uniform and if you were to feel threatened you could hide behind the desk..

Littlenellie Wed 18-Jul-12 22:12:06

Ana Lil would throw a hissy fit if all were to go upmarket...she learnt her skills at our mothers knee ...and other low joints.....

Anagram Wed 18-Jul-12 22:14:38

I know! We'll have to bring extra staff in after soop's gone to mess the place up a bit....I'm sure we could find some suitable volunteers. wink

gramps Wed 18-Jul-12 22:18:30

Someone painted "grab" on me shirt. lucky grey matches me shirt anyway! and me vest. Well, orl me cloves really!

(Does anyone know of a cheap speech therapist? Gramps speech needs improving. Wotchya fink mates?)

MaggieP Wed 18-Jul-12 23:14:56

I could loan my sister, she is a very good one and could sort you arrt a bit, if you like?smile

soop Thu 19-Jul-12 11:17:49

Well, well, well...I leave you lot alone for a few hours and what do you do? I shall consult the thesaurus to find a word that aptly describes my utter dismay. If you think for one teeny weeny moment that I'm going to clean up this mess...you couldn't be more wrong. You made it - you clean it up! As for talking proper...I'm speechless. I need a wee dram to calm my nerves. What the heck is gramps doing under that table? I removed him before I left last evening. Don't tell me he's still trying to get the dog to surrender his false beard. If that heap of grey fibres in the corner just so happens to be the remnants of the beard, Mrs gramps is going to have to knit him another. Pete give me a wee treble...and make it quick! grin

Pete Thu 19-Jul-12 11:59:19

soop I'll just leave you the bottle.... grin

Pete Thu 19-Jul-12 12:02:19

Once we find your teeth again gramps your speech should improve... smile

Anagram Thu 19-Jul-12 12:03:17

I'm afraid it's a losing battle, soop. You are destined for a life of drudgery if you carry on trying to bring a bit of class to the place, not to mention cleanliness! Lil needs you to be in peak condition to tackle the Muriel - if you can find a wall that isn't covered in graffiti....hmm

Pete Thu 19-Jul-12 12:04:10

littlenell does the brass come out of 'petty cash' ? grin

soop Thu 19-Jul-12 12:16:47

I can't pretend to be cross with you lot for long. I admit defeat. Lil's is a proper dive/shambles and I have to accept that my polishing skills were to no avail. While the boys are in the games room [enter at your peril] I'll take my malt to the snug. It's sort of upclass...nothing too posh, mind. Let's say, it's where a few ladies can relax and have sensible conversations over a drink and a nice sandwich. The bar...is ALL yours. I'm thinking about the 'muriel'. May try a Tracy Emin style artscape. Any suggestions [only printable ones mind!] wink

soop Thu 19-Jul-12 12:17:54

Pete grin

Anagram Thu 19-Jul-12 12:22:47

Well, if you're going for a TE-type Muriel, you just need to think of a title for the wall (e.g. Punters Wot 'Ave Drunk 'Ere) and stick a label on! Sorted - signatures and rude drawings already done! wink

soop Thu 19-Jul-12 12:56:44

Anagram...sheer genius...don't need to clean my brushes or do anyfink other than stand well back and let you lot run amok. Sorted! nellie will be pleased. grin

jeni Thu 19-Jul-12 13:07:33

soop Is the word you want 'discombobulated?'

soop Thu 19-Jul-12 13:10:26

jeni you've taken the word right out of my mouth. I'm just about to look it up. not too rude, I hope. I'm trying to bring a little class to Lil's. grin

jeni Thu 19-Jul-12 13:12:42

Wot me rude?shock no way! I'm a posh medic I amgrin

soop Thu 19-Jul-12 13:13:45

Yes, jeni the perfect word. Pour yourself a drink and retire to the snug [where ladies are made to feel welcome and comfortable.]

soop Thu 19-Jul-12 13:19:21

The noise from the games room is ear-splitting. No wonder the lads have been thrown out of their cosy homes and told to go do something useful. gramps and Pete are setting up the skittles. They really do not seem to grasp the fact that it's just a game. Far too energetic for their age wink

gramps Thu 19-Jul-12 19:03:55

Dear MaggieP.
Mrs. G would like more details on the abilityof your sister to aquire of gramp a betterer vocab- erh- manner of spokennes!
'E woz brung up in sahf lunnun 'E were born at a very esrly age 'n says 'e were two year old by the time 'es furst burfday assived, but 'e do tell some porkies when 'es larkin' abaht like!
--

gramps Thu 19-Jul-12 19:13:27

OI Mrs G. wot yer tellin that posh lot of Nellies abaht me then?

They my mates 'n look aht fer me real good like! God bless 'em!

Anagram Thu 19-Jul-12 19:51:01

You could always try joining your local AmDram Society, gramps. Your services as a Cheeky Cockney Character would no doubt be invaluable. You might even get Dick Van Dyke's role in Mary Poppins!
grin

greenmossgiel Thu 19-Jul-12 20:09:24

Sorry I'm late - been down the market looking for some Zebo to do the grate with. It's alright for you lot, having a fine old time in the bar, all beer and skittles, eh? I've been working my fingers to the bone - and I'm only the assistant to the assistant dishwasher. Been left with the lot, I have! Anyway, couldn't get Zebo, so I've rubbed up the grate with one of the old dishcloths that were steeping in the nappy bucket. Or was it the pigswill bucket? Anyway, it's got quite a gleam on it now.....the grate, not the pigswill bucket...grin

Littlenellie Thu 19-Jul-12 20:35:27

I agree with Lil the art of good management is delegation and you lot have done her proud. * pete* you pay for your pleasures out of your own pocket.
Flipflop and Isiah have asked Lil to announce their engagement,we know it is quick but theirs is a true love story and a whirlwind romance..flipflop is trying to cure his habit and keep him on the straight and narrow,she is now looking at beautiful bride magazines,she favours the trailer trash look...join us in raising anything you have in your hand in celebration,she is thinking of having Honky tonk playing the bridal march she has chosen like a virgin as it is a particular favourite of Isiah.

MaggieP Thu 19-Jul-12 20:54:29

Dear Mrs G
Try "The rain in Spain" and watch the old film My Fair Lady, which I am sure Mr G calls you quite often!
My sister will work out a schedule for you both and will be emailing it soon when she has finished treating her hospital patients!
Meanwhile, no one has owned up to damaging the flowers and hanging baskets, and now they are eating my herbs and falling about everywhere. I need to see what Littlenellie has to say.
I'm going to join Jeni in the snug for a nice quiet drink, Cheers!

MaggieP Thu 19-Jul-12 20:55:58

Oh dear, I see that Jeni was in the snug at lunchtime , I hope she is still there, maybe soop will be anyway....

jeni Thu 19-Jul-12 21:02:24

No! I went home to try to post the photo of sunset from my house! I'm not sure if I succeeded as the server went down.
I'm going to bed soon as I'm being invaded tomorrowsmile

gramps Thu 19-Jul-12 23:09:05

Darn it - I wrote a lot, then lost the plot
Such a lot of tommy rot,
It got writ, but you not got!
I'll have to have another shot! confused

Pete Fri 20-Jul-12 12:11:40

green you do a fine job but I heard a whisper that soop wanted to rename your domain 'The Soop Kitchen'...not really fair after all your hard work.. grin and if nell thinks I'm paying to polish the brass...... well they will have to become dirty and dusty.... smile

Anagram Fri 20-Jul-12 13:06:57

That was probably the idea, Pete! wink
Clean and shiny brasses have no place in Lil's Bar...

soop Fri 20-Jul-12 14:41:13

In I stroll...no need to glance around the bar, because those who there when I left yesterday evening, haven't budged from their stools. I cannot bring myself to comment on the mayhem. It's all a bit beyond my comprehension. There's a big bunch of bargain-of-the-week cut-price flowers on the bar. Tasteful, clashing colours, I see. Why aren't they in a beautiful vase? Mmm...seem to recall that was lifted by a codger wearing a long mac, on opening night. Will have been flogged for a song on Ebay by now. The message reads - 'too the lurve of me life, from the love of yoors.' Isiah certainly knows how to treat a girl. Fliplop appears to be in a trance. She's imagining herself dolled up in a vast meringue of suger-pink tulle, with pretend rhinestones dotted hither and thither to create plenty of sparkle. She has such good taste, that one! Isiah is toying with the idea of wearing an Elvis- style outfit. grin

Pete Fri 20-Jul-12 15:03:23

ana ..your right, think I'll take one home....polish it now and then as a reminder... soop vases on the bar?? wont last long...believe the last one only made £1-46 on ebay, think it was bought as a wedding gift grin

soop Fri 20-Jul-12 15:31:02

Pete...did it fetch as much as £1.46. I'd have given going on for £1.50. After all, it had a dubious charm. Tiger-patterned with intertwining wreaths of bindweed. grin

greenmossgiel Fri 20-Jul-12 15:46:03

Don't worry about me angry - I'll just keep scrubbing away in this 'ere kitchen - can't remember the last time anyone bought me flowers......sad Anyway, sugar-pink tulle my backside.....and talking of backsides - who's going to clean out that toilet! confused!

Ella46 Fri 20-Jul-12 15:53:05

Well, Pete's always in there on the phone to Huey,and gramps nearly always sometimes makes it in time, so I think they should be given the job!

greenmossgiel Fri 20-Jul-12 16:09:20

I'll stand outside then (don't like to intrude...), and I'll go in after with my mop and bucket. Looks like I've got the job of lavvy cleaner as well as everything else....[grumble emoticon]. And another thing, who keeps writing all those rude things on the lavvy walls? You're needing to learn to spell, whoever you are....confused

Anagram Fri 20-Jul-12 16:15:51

I think it's all part of Lil's 'freedom of expression' ethos, which she cultivated whilst working in Brixton prison many moons ago - she says it saves having to paint the walls!

soop Fri 20-Jul-12 16:54:44

Don't you just love the attitude of the staff in Lil's bar? How much is she paying us? Bet it's nowhere near the minimum wage. If she has her way, she'll pay us "in kind"...imagine it...free bar snacks and help ourselves to the booze. hmm. I've noticed that the place is heaving with people but no money ever changes hands. confused I'll have a word with matron Nellie when she gets back from having a nice quiet shandy and ham roll at the pub across the road.

soop Fri 20-Jul-12 17:55:59

My shift's over. Told to leave well mess alone. Suits me. I've been sitting in a comfy leather chair in the snug for most of the afternoon. Dumped my cleaning stuff in the bin by the door. Anyone on duty tonight - beware when gramps and Pete leave. Best ask them to turn out their pockets. Can't be too careful with those two retrobates. Green night night my lovely. Keep up the bad work. It takes great skill to make such a hash of the food that leaves that kitchen. wink

gramps Fri 20-Jul-12 21:51:18

Hey, Pete. Did you overhear what that sex bomb, soopy soo ,said about us?
Does she know about the big hole in my pocket? Does she know what Confucius said about holes and pockets?

Incidently old friend, some kind customer paid for me to go for private speech lessons. It is accomplished using hypnotism, but no idea how long the 'fluence lasts. Could be days or ours-- is a pint please!--Manners too, innit?

soop Sat 21-Jul-12 12:49:25

I close my eyes when I enter Lil's bar, and try not to hear what's being said, especially whenever I have to nudge past gramps and Pete's scruffy table. Do those two live here, or what? My seat in the snug awaits. I shall enjoy a half pint of Pimms [in my own clean glass] and read the Financial Times. Not because I have any stocks or shares [or indeed any savings] but so that I at least appear to be knowledgable regarding such matters. hmm

Anagram Sat 21-Jul-12 13:58:56

Think you're wasting your time there, soop! The regulars will probably just think you're reading Gay News...wink

gramps Sat 21-Jul-12 15:45:34

What's that about Gay News. I just love these happy stories. We used to sing a song ,some words were, "We'll all be happy and gay". How language changes.
I used to be "hot", now I'm "cool" I used to be clever , funny even, now I'm "wicked", which meant "bad" then. No wonder wot um confused or wot,confused

Ella46 Sat 21-Jul-12 15:46:56

I think this thread is dying a death without more input from our Matron. I hope Nellie is ok and just busy, it would be sad if she feels she cannot be as open and funny as she was before.
sad

soop Sat 21-Jul-12 15:58:47

Ella Our Nellie has a few problems at home...what with a broken-down boiler and lazy plumber. She also feels that, having unintentionally offended some members, she needs to keep a tight rein on her imagination. I so enjoyed her barmy wit. Not giving up just yet. Once the boiler's been fixed, she could come storming back to Lils. I sincerely hope so. There is so much gloom and doom going on in the world. Nellie is a breath of fresh air and she never fails to cheer me [along with many others].

Anagram Sat 21-Jul-12 16:13:08

Yes, I think we're all being a bit more constrained in our posts than we used to be! Some Gnetters genuinely do find innuendo and double entendres offensive, and it's best to err on the side of caution.

gramps Sat 21-Jul-12 16:16:02

I heard from a secret source that Matron is undergoing a course on "keeping your patients patient". She has a very difficult exam to take in the near future.
I believe the University where she sits the exam are expecting high standards, and are asking for "volunteers" as subject material.
If your initials come within "A" to "Z" you are eligible!
Aint that clever of me. I translated it all from a stone scroll wot I found in the coal cellar at the Pub. Very difficult to unscroll a stone tablet it were too an all!
Pete 'elped me carry it up. 'Es complaining now, just 'cos it fell on 'is big toe 'n made it go squishy like! 'Es looking fer Matron, so I'se sent 'im up to Lunnun Bridge to find us a couple of student nurses wot can do toes! grin

Anagram Sat 21-Jul-12 16:18:32

I see your elocution lessons have worn off, gramps! grin

gramps Sat 21-Jul-12 16:33:06

Hypnotism! I were warned wot it may not be a viable continuous remedy for such a malady as wot is the constructibility of such!
An' that it may change in to verbal garbage at any inappropriate moment, like wot's 'appynin' nah like.
Wot a flippin pre dicky mint - 'N no flippin' Matron!!

soop Sat 21-Jul-12 16:38:56

Oh Gramps what shall we do with you? If it's not problems with your beard, or lifting priceless vases from the bar [to flog on Ebay] you're trying to unscroll a stone tablet you claim was in the cellar. Are you sure it isn't an ancient grave-stone? Now that you've dropped it on Pete's toe, is it still whole? The stone - not his toe. Matron has a way with wonky digits! Do hope that you haven't disturbed a spooky spirit. There suddenly appears to be an awful lot of stuff flying through the air in the bar...and it's not all false beards, crisps, pork scratchings and dogs, large and small....

Ella46 Sat 21-Jul-12 16:43:11

Thanks soop, I don't personally think Nellie said anything offensive, very smutty, yes! But oh so funny!

Nothing wrong with innuendo, after all, it's in the mind of the reader!

Nellie/Matron Please get your old boiler sorted and the plumber off his a**e, and come back, cheeky as ever.

smile xxx

soop Sat 21-Jul-12 16:46:52

That's the style, Ella. I may text her to see whether or not she has finished with the plumber. smile xx

Ella46 Sat 21-Jul-12 16:53:27

I might just stay here for a while and have a G&T! It's quite rowdy out there on the forums at the moment! grin

Elegran Sat 21-Jul-12 16:59:34

soop ust got round to catching up on this thread and read your post of yesterday at 17.55.

Wondering what is a retrobate? Disreputable old reprobate who remembers the good old kleptomaniac days but forgets he got caught again ten minutes ago?

gramps Sat 21-Jul-12 17:00:24

Spooks Soopy,spooks! Uv read abaht them wots called poulticies, or sumfink like!
They are intelligent supernatural forces. They can move objects, some times quietly, sometimes-they sort of ,just chuck fings abaht like. know wot I mean?I had a friend who could sometimes help remove them. They need somebody like our dear Matron to be stern wiv 'em!
I'm gettin' fed up wiv this 'ypno lark. Dont know wevver I'm flippin' Arfer or Marfer!! ' angry

Anagram Sat 21-Jul-12 17:08:55

It does seem to come and go a bit, doesn't it, gramps? confused
When did you first become afflicted with the strange, contorted cockney-type accent? Did it happen overnight, or gradually infiltrate your everyday speech without your even noticing.....?

soop Sat 21-Jul-12 17:28:07

grin
Have exchanged some humorous texts with our Little Nellie. Her [at home]kitchen is gradually getting sorted. House full of folk wanting to be fed. Nellie enjoying a glass of wine as she prepares a hog roast. Is there no limit to her considerable talents! She has her thinking cap on. Deliberating on opening a new thread...possibly a market garden. Better watch this space. Wouldn't wish to lose track of her.

soop Sat 21-Jul-12 17:34:02

Look your gum boots out, gramps and Pete ...Nellie may wish to take two willing gardeners on. Knowing her, she'll be growing some exotic weeds! Sounds interesting! smile

Anagram Sat 21-Jul-12 17:40:26

More Pot plants! Hurray! (supplies getting a bit low....wink)

soop Sat 21-Jul-12 17:48:12

Ana I'm off to do my duty in the kitchen [Mr soop is the chef] I'm the cleaning lady. Works well! At six sharp, I have my Saturday eve gin and tonic - a large one. A crescent moon to you all. Back tomorrow sometime. smile

Anagram Sat 21-Jul-12 17:54:30

Bye, soop! See you tomorrow. smile

gramps Sat 21-Jul-12 18:05:28

Dear Ana,
I'm so pleased that you have the ability to understand the unpredictability of this rear condition. apparently it can in some circusses cause wirds amd riting te be , or not to be, that is the probblerm mismanaged according to it's want, to blurr from one movement to infinity! I'm only pleased that is noddy so in my casket!
It seems to have developed over or undernight!
I received a cold caller asking for me to write my name on the back of my twenty pound note, whereby giving me change of address, and five bob!
I thought about it for a while, then it suddenly hit me - I'd been conned! few hours later, after my second visit to the Therapist, for as such 'e were, This affiction came upon me.
Is it 'cos I give 'im a dud twenty pahnd note, I asks meself!
Watcha think dear Lady. Be truthful with your esteemed answer dear Ana other thing, 'e were strange, if you know what I mean. As doorman at Nell's I would have doubts about letting him in! [hmmmm]

Ella46 Sat 21-Jul-12 18:16:09

Sorry gramps but to put it bluntly, your rear condition is giving me the pip as they used to say! grin

glammanana Sat 21-Jul-12 18:25:59

Well hi-ya to you all have you not moved an inch since I went off shift on Thursday all the scouse has gone so I think maybe I will knock up a corned beef hash for supper so we can have nice meal,I'll through in some garlic bread to go with it.I've been to my Charity shop all day and found some posh plates and bowls all matching so we will not look like a greasy spoon cafe,and I have counted how many we have so don't take a fancy to them please.To-morrow we are putting a Sunday Roast on the menu so who will volunteer to do the spud bashing and pod the peas.grin

Anagram Sat 21-Jul-12 18:30:00

I think it's just gramps' dyslexic spelling, Ella!

But sorry, gramps, I'm afraid you only have yourself to blame - falling for the old "change of address" con! I'm sure he was strange (just like your £20 note), but if you cross these unregistered Hypnotherapists they can make you do all sorts of things which would otherwise not be in your character! No wonder Lil's having doubts about leaving you in charge of the fake antique vases.

I think you should throw yourself upon Lil's mercy and confess all. She knows some pretty dodgy geezers herself who could be persuaded to pay your therapist a visit and show him the error of his ways. It'll cost you, though - no more free pints and sleeping it off under the table - but at least you'll be able to speak proper again! [stern emoticon]

Littlenellie Sat 21-Jul-12 20:14:10

Have just spoken to Lil Nd she is thinking of selling up and buying a garden centre..she has had a few meetings with Alan and things seem to be progressing well...she has been reading lady chatterly and has been taking an interest in all things that require getting down and dirty with gardeners....watch this space

merlotgran Sat 21-Jul-12 21:27:54

OOOh, nellie, A garden centre would be just the ticket. Do you think you can persuade Lil to get Monty Don to open it? I bet he's read Lady Chatterly because I hear he's very good at finding the clematis.

gramps Sat 21-Jul-12 21:43:11

My dear Ella and Ana,
thank you for your interest/concern over this disintresting condition. My words come out all jumbly rumbly, a bit like Poo (the bear!)
I think to control this condition i need more beer and mixing my drin- er, friends!
Such high class clients as yerselves then I'll be more familiar! (with the way of talking like)
My spotless character has been dry cleaned, in a manner of speaking, since slipping in the mud recently!
The conman saw me this morning and offered to cut my tree and fix the roof tiles for next to nothing! 'E only wants £500 for bits to start, not bad eh? 'E apologised for asking for 'es change back. Bein a gent, I said 'E wer welcome - an' then 'e put the 'ammer back in 'is manbag! So everyfink's alright again.
I find that if I give a little cough before speaking (kcer ker) makes the vocal chords behave in a more responsible manner!
I'll see you nice Lad/dies in the Bar, Lil's Pub! ( bit of hic on spellin' still! blush

soop Sun 22-Jul-12 11:53:22

merlot You sound like a fun person. Lil will definitely find you invaluable around the exotic-plant greenhouse. smile

gramps Pleased to hear that you've been dry-cleaned. Lil does have standards, you know. They may not be knee-high to a grasshopper but...she can be awful fussy when the wind's in the wrong direction. grin

Pete Mon 23-Jul-12 23:32:29

I seem to have the pub to myself......happy days.. grin

Littlenellie Tue 24-Jul-12 07:34:18

Lil is thinking of selling the moon if there are any buyersit comes as a franchise and a full set of staff..it comes with a full set of * ample bosom*..the bishops hat still has a life of its own...and the nuns knickers will slip down easily and bring joy to any weary traveller.
The staff are easily handled..especially if you ask them nicely..and of course lock ins are compulsory ..
Lil is calling last orders in order to diversify and pursue a career in parliament for our very own constituency of Fumble ....this isn't the first time that parliament has had a Fumble on its back bench....Lil promises to give every satisfaction in whatever position she is offered she is hoping for whip but she always did have her eye on the main chance...she has the makings of a fine politician as she is very adept at screwing the public.
I am helping Lil set up her surgery....she will be open for any problems you may have that you don't require a straight answer for...she is looking forward to servicing her public...

soop Tue 24-Jul-12 14:07:08

grin That's more like the Littlenellie I love. Sheer genius! Have been to cast a few dozen "iffy" votes in order to secure your place on the back bench. Wouldn't want you to have to have to sit on some unsuspecting chap's lap!

greenmossgiel Tue 24-Jul-12 15:37:20

I'm sorry I've not been around much over the last couple of days....I've had the builder in...wink! My kitchen roof nearly fell in, due to rotten timbers.......(really, no joke!) However, I'm very happy to pick up where I left off, I'm needing a bit of overtime to pay off the builder......anyway, he and his mate have been very happy with the services I've provided - even if my kitchen hygiene is slightly suspect. grinwinkblush

glammanana Tue 24-Jul-12 15:40:49

green you should have moved into the pub whilst you had the work done then everything would have been "on tap" for you and yours.grin

Anagram Tue 24-Jul-12 15:53:45

Bet nellie wishes she could have done that too - or even the Grandads' shed! grin

greenmossgiel Tue 24-Jul-12 15:55:58

Nellie, you and I could've cooked up something for my builder......he's banging away at his scaffolding just now.....I really don't like to look! grin

soop Tue 24-Jul-12 16:18:13

green that made me grin

Littlenellie Tue 24-Jul-12 20:23:42

green perhaps your builder needs to contain himself...banging away at any erection is a dangerous business....just have a little peep then grin
ana the shed sounds ideal although I do rather like looking at my new kitchen..not sure if I want to go and play in there though...

Anagram Tue 24-Jul-12 20:27:39

Ooh! Is it finished, nellie?

Littlenellie Tue 24-Jul-12 21:37:44

It is indeed ana have a new floor and everything is all new and fresh seems such a shame to use it really,just happy to look and get everything back to 'normal'sunshine

Anagram Tue 24-Jul-12 21:47:34

One thing off your mind, at least! smile
Enjoy!

gramps Tue 24-Jul-12 23:23:41

Dear old Nell,
We're glad you are well,
Life's not been the same without you.
We've been sitting around, a bit dumbfound',
While the Bar, It's patrons are sparse,
Old Pete and me, been drinking weak tea,
And sitting all day on our bench(?)
Been thinking of you,holding a screw,
And whacking it in with a w(r)ench! wink

This poem ain't good, bit like the food
Wot's been served up 'ere in the Bar
Now that you're back we can all have a crack.
And hope Lil's reputation goes far!
tt's really a pity that this little ditty
ain't going the way wot you fink,
It scans here and then, but I can't say just when,
It seems to depend on the ink! confused

You may be aware that the speech therapy fingy is werkin,
The words comes and goes but ,as we all nose,
You don't get nuffink by shirkin'!
That's all for now Nell,(I'm under your spell!)
So "nighty night" I'll say,.No more fears,
Good health o'er the years,
And with you in mind I'll pray.

Gramps x blush

Littlenellie Wed 25-Jul-12 08:51:29

Oh Gramps bless your heart
You have written a rhyme just for me
I sorry you arrived here
To find there's no beer
And have to make do with some tea
The Nellsta is back to have some more crack
With all of the gang round the bar
Now me and Lil
Have not been I'll or even under the weather
But my mojo was lost,and I was at the end of my teather
Until all my friends with encouraging words
And ideas that kept me flourishing
Meant I am able to serve on my table
Food which is extremely nourishing
So thank you dear gramps
For your wonderful ode
Dedicated to little old me
I will raise a cup....when I get up up
Of good ole rosy lea
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxflag

Nonu Wed 25-Jul-12 12:10:52

I love this thread , it is sooo funny can"t stop laughing .

soop Wed 25-Jul-12 12:40:38

How uplifting it is to come to this thread and find something to grin about. Well done, Gramps your ode is just the thing for making our Nellie feel heaps better.
Nellie enjoy your new kitchen. Enjoy the sunshine. Enjoy having your mojo restored. Lovely to have you back with a smile on your face.
Nonu Me too!

Littlenellie Wed 25-Jul-12 14:43:58

soop and nonu the rhyme by gramps is really appreciated what a sweetie,haven't seen pete skulking about hope we haven't poisoned him or he's b******d off with Huey do you reckonxx

Nonu Wed 25-Jul-12 14:53:02

ittlenellie, you are welcome back even though I don"t know you as well as the others do, you certainly are a fun girl [in a nice way !] Soop was only saying to me in the snug the other night she"s dying for u to return

Anagram Wed 25-Jul-12 15:04:52

I think Pete's sulking because Lil's selling the bar. He knows no other way of life, and certainly won't be able to live without Lil's Ample Bosoms...sad

soop Wed 25-Jul-12 16:34:31

Gramps...find Pete for us for goodness sake. Ana your comment would tickle our Pete wink

gramps Wed 25-Jul-12 20:18:32

My dear mate Pete,
Get up off your seat,
The Girls on here are all worried,
They think for rebuff you have taken the huff, sad
And away from us all you have hurried!

Something to do with the "Bar" I hear,
The takings it seems have been "took"
Now I know for a fact, that's not in your act.
'cos I've written it down in your book! grin

The odd dram that we supped was for the quality bit,
We knew it must not go stale,
so we took double rations to lessen the risk,
And washed it down with the rest of the Ale! hmm grin

Sho come back dear PETE,
( I'm feeling replete and also a lichle bit woozy!)
All is forgiven, no more being driven to sup of the beers that you like,
Investigating much more, they found it a bore,
So the Staff have bought you a BIKE!! grin

jeni Wed 25-Jul-12 20:54:34

Is this the office bike?

Pete Wed 25-Jul-12 21:08:15

I've had to attend a 'clinic' and they put me on tablets smile It's cleared up a treat so get em in gramps ...... er I need to visit the snug and have a quite word with someone..... hmm

gramps Thu 26-Jul-12 07:58:26

Hi Jeni,
Got it from a sailor in Portsmouth,who's sailing tomorrow - Says she's never let mim down. Could do with some TLC and a good rub down with an oily rag.
Needs lubrication, and pumping up a bit
Has had several careful owners!
Saddle wants a new screw and padding,

Littlenellie Thu 26-Jul-12 08:19:32

pete would this be a special clinic...grin
Poor old Pete
Has been off his feet
Suffering from something contagious
It was an ill
Donated by Lil
For doing something outrageous
They'd crept in the snug
And while having a hug,they fell over Huey in the corner
Good ole Lil said
While rubbing his head
You've had too much of my bosom
I did warn yer
Now you can ride your old bike
And come when you like
I will sneak in you in through the back
We'll have the time of our life
And won't tell your wife
I've heard her right arm
Fetches a good whack.....grin

Littlenellie Thu 26-Jul-12 08:29:54

Lil has been inspecting members ....in her constituency
There are many upright members in Fumble proper and in the smallers areas of of UpperFumble and NeverFumble .
The local demographics after Lils survey comprise of three parts.
Willing,Able,and dead....she hasn't got round to interviewing the women yet...

Pete Thu 26-Jul-12 10:13:14

littlenellie I look forward to the time of my life....so long as its not a Poet's Nite or such like.. smile Thanks for the bike gramps can't keep it in the pub as there are already a collection of bikes in there smile Nell as a paid up member of your constituency please mark me down as Willing and Able (thanks to the 'clinic') grin

gramps Thu 26-Jul-12 11:10:55

Hiya Pete,
Hearing from you made our lives complete,
It's a real treat that you're back on your feet,
Now you can "bike" and get something to eat -
That's a day to compete. Don't admit defeat, Pete!
But be discrete re. the feat or you may feel the heat,
In your "sit upon" seat. All reet?

A beer, I hear, ice cool and clear - from Lil, she's a dear ,but "bends" the ear,
To tell of the fear she gets in her rear - poor dear! (She needs a smear!!)

soop Thu 26-Jul-12 12:16:20

I was passing and caught a glimpse of Gramps and Pete propping up each other the bar. Had to pop in to say how good it is to see you enjoying Lil's Ample Bosom. Nice to see the usual mob in the snug. Before I sit down I must use the air freshener. Some dog asleep in the inglenook fireplace could do with a bath. Anyone know it's name? And why is it still wearing that tatty beard that it grabbed from Gramps

Littlenellie You are a very witty woman. And great fun. flowers

gramps Thu 26-Jul-12 18:25:35

It's time that ruddy pooch was taken to the PE(S)t's parlour, and the return slip conveniently lost !'ve had that beard since it were a cotton bud!
NO respect for someone of my advanced years!! The tasty meals i've supped through it. Cuuried pickled frogs spawn in the local Chinese Chippy. eat as much as you like. three for the price of one. Takeaway on sale or return. mostly returned!
My last little treat was green tomatoe stew with slug and stalk salad to follow. A bit squelchy, but slid down well.grin I bribed the Chef for the recipe for LlL!wink

soop Thu 26-Jul-12 18:41:20

Stop yer moanin' Gramps grin

Pete Thu 26-Jul-12 19:36:24

gramps Team GB on telly in games room....bring Beer n Crisps...Cheers grin

Pete Thu 26-Jul-12 23:03:30

green a Full English for me, please, ....small portions for ana (Petite Lady) and a Kipper for soop (also petite)..... I'm not going into 'oats' for nell ... toast and a small scotch for gramps (no not soop!) .. grin grin

gramps Thu 26-Jul-12 23:59:13

Sorry Pete, it was my round too!
I tripped over that bloody dawg again and landed on the moggy, who then bit my bum while trying to escape from beneath me!
It'slaws penetrated my summer shorts, causing substantial damage to my nether regions! I managed to limp to the car, to find the key still in the ignition, and the door locked, Got indoors again, picked up wrong key! Decided I'd had enough, so slumped on settee with a large brandy,

Went to sleep. What was the show like?

Pete Fri 27-Jul-12 00:25:52

Enjoy the large brandy...and as a bit of advice...steer clear of dogs, cats, zoos and safari parks on your way back to the pub.... smile

Littlenellie Fri 27-Jul-12 09:04:11

Thanks pete enjoy my oats in the morning...keep taking the penicillingrin

Lil is out and about today doing a meet and greet with the Residents of fumble proper upper fumble and never fumble .
Dressed in her designer label A SAVAGE. Of leopard skin print,and turquoise aceesories she will be in the pound shop promoting their range of perfumes,signing autographs ,and in best cougar tradition,encouraging and making suggestions to the under manager who is eager to be fast tracked to the top of the tree,he will be instead of kissing babies ..as LIl is allergic to them...

soop Fri 27-Jul-12 13:26:48

Gracious! The queue of shifty-looking individuals trying to barge past armed security in the pound shop is almost as long as the queue outside Lil's pub. Lil appears to have left the regulars to help themselves - providing they pop a few coins in the empty, grubby honesty box that is chained to the beer pump. Anyway, I'm standing on a dustbin just outside the pound shop it's the only way I'll catch a glimpse of celeb Lil...cameras are flashing, sneaky looking individuals are pressing her for her autograph. She looks like the dog's dinner...the one it ate ten days ago! The pong of her cut-price perfume is making the male members drop before her feet. The females appear to be in short supply. Her beauty is somewhat intimidating....

Littlenellie Fri 27-Jul-12 17:34:26

Lil will be back to empty the box later,and keep an eye on you lot,I will pass on how neglected you all feel.
She is laying down with a couple of cold tea bags and a couple of slices of cucumber on her eyes and a friend is rubbing her bunions As we speak.
Fumbling was a great success .....

soop Fri 27-Jul-12 18:34:47

Who's responsible? The honesty box and beer pump have done a runner. No sign of Gramps and Pete. hmm Only living creature in the bar is the smelly woofter. The dog didn't do it...he's still curled up in the log basket. Lil will not be amused. I'm scarpering before she gets back from playing at being a low-life celeb. She's getting ideas well above her station. Been told that she has a personal chauffeur...or was it the RSPCA man wearing a different uniform? Wot-eva!

Littlenellie Fri 27-Jul-12 21:33:22

Was wondering who the smelly Woofter was... grin
It won't last soop mother used to say she ideas above her station....all red hat and no drawers...
Our Lil always like a smooth ride with a man in uniform....she loves blowing their horn,Lil has always been built for comfort and not speed
Don't think the RSPCA man would float her boat,he wouldn't like all her animal print...mind you nor do I it looks much better on the animal...she thinks she is a cougar now.....

Anagram Fri 27-Jul-12 22:11:12

I think the regulars are getting wind of the changes in the air, nellie! They've heard talk of Lil selling up and want to know whether she'll be taking her Ample Bosoms with her - that's why they're making free with what's on offer while they can!
I think Lil should be honest (!) and upfront about things and let them know where they stand (or slump). Some of them had high hopes of the market garden project becoming a free source of weed a success, but now it seems Lil's been seduced by the trappings of power on offer in Westminster (although of course she is well placed, having spanked many of the incumbents during her time as a House Dominatrix).

Littlenellie Fri 27-Jul-12 22:39:08

She is a restless soulana when she is described as a free spirit members of the bar have assumed she meant drink wise
Madam whiplash has nothing on Lil,she has smacked more bums than a midwife.

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 12:39:04

Ana grin

Pete Sat 28-Jul-12 15:55:32

Are we not using the 'garden produce'...thought we could make it into a cake and share it out in the snug..... grin

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 16:06:54

Pete How long have you been loitering in the snug? I was told that the smelly woofter had the place to himself. And what did you do with Lil's honesty box that was chained to the beer pump? In fact, what have you done with the beer pump? the bar is in a real mess. Sawdust appears to be turning to a thick mush. Lil has gone to the pound shop for a new whip. Best hide if you want to keep your dignity. grin

gramps Sat 28-Jul-12 17:36:45

Hey,Pete,
Here a minute.
While I was in the coal hole, looking for part used sawdust for the Bar, I tripped over and bashed me 'ead on the wall.Then there were a grinding sound, bit different to the usual grinding noises around 'ere - know what I mean mate?

A small door, hidden in the corner opened, so I had to 'ave a gander, didn't I ?
You'll never guess? Sshh, I'll whisper in your lug'ole! -well--shshshh, and then -well, hee hee, sshhshhhspanhsshh. Then the secret door closed. I jest got me nose aht in time! I couldn't find the right spot ag'in!grin

Got to go now , 'cos I'm on a promise - I think, an' wink
I'm a bit late! She was going to wear some sort of moggy get-up, but every body's gottem. Even some of the gels!!

Seeya!

Anagram Sat 28-Jul-12 17:44:55

hmm I think gramps has been helping himself to the 'garden produce' a bit too freely!

Ella46 Sat 28-Jul-12 17:50:33

I was just going to say Anagram, whatever grampsis on, I'll have a large one please! grin

gramps Sat 28-Jul-12 17:54:59

Dear ol' Ansa - I jon't know watch ya meann! confused

I lefsht sixpence on the honesly box!! grin

Nonu Sat 28-Jul-12 17:58:36

Soops , Soops , Soops , what on earth is going on ? this is getting quite intolerable . You will have to bring on your good common sense and sort this lot out. I mean it . [wine, large one pls, hope it"s a decent white ]

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 20:28:33

Nonu Common sense is a no-no! The chaps [you know who] have run amok. Lil seems to have lost control. She's far too eager to enhance her dubious low-life celeb status. Never there when she's needed to restore a sense of decorum. It's all gutter press and who's who [or not] from hereon. Oh how this once-upon-a-time establishment has gone to pot. Pot being the ...hmm

Anagram Sat 28-Jul-12 20:39:12

...probable cause of gramps's strange hallucinations! Unless, of course, there really is a secret trap-door in the cellar which Lil has kept secret for reasons best known to herself...hmm Perhaps someone should investigate - not me, I'm frightened by The Unknown!

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 20:42:23

Ana...don't go there! It's a crafty ploy. The chaps are trying to entice we innocent lassies to take a peek. Stay rooted to the bar stool. There's safety in numbers. What will you have? The drinks are on me. smile

Anagram Sat 28-Jul-12 20:48:24

I think I'll have a pint of Drambuie after the thought of being enticed into the cellar by gramps and Pete! Thanks, soop, I don't know what we lassies would do without you....

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 20:54:52

Ana... think nothing of it. Those two Casanovas think that we're easy game. How wrong can they be. We're only here for the alcohol - and possibly a little light entertainment from some intelligent source or other. Having used the word - intelligent - I'm wondering whether or not we're in the wrong establishment. grin

Nonu Sat 28-Jul-12 20:55:03

Em , do you do Margeritas , or Bloody Marys ?

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 20:57:41

Nonu...whilst Lil is elsewhere, you can sample anything you like. Shall we start from left to right? Or what? And we'll not need a measure! grin

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 21:00:56

Nonu and Ana...Mr soop says Wallander is about to start. Sorry, must dash. Enjoy your cocktails [and remember not to go into the cellar!] xx

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 00:00:09

gramps have you had your medication today? cos mixing it with the 'herb garden' can lead to all sorts of carry-on. The honesty box was located in the snug it contained a tanner and an 'iou'...which I will sort out a week next Tuesday smile As soops in the chair mines a large one....second thoughts make it a pint... any ladies fancy a go on the pool table grin

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 09:43:18

As long as you promise not to sink the pink one grin
Lil has asked me to pin this notice on the door for you all to read.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Dear punters,in my absence you have all been running amok , so much so that I have decided to forgo my pleasure on the back bench,and return to take you lot in hand again.
I am relinquishing all staff as I don't like mixing busIness with pleasure,you lot can have pleasure in front of the bar,and not behind it.
I have been polishing my pumps ,especially my ample bosom bishops hat is nice and lively, and the nuns knickers are cleaned and fresh.
The sawdust has been removed so woe betide any punter sullying my clean floor.
We have in honour of punters from north of the border,I have ordered a lively little stout called jimmys sporran it is lively enough to tickle the fancy of even your maiden aunt,and hard enough to please them too.I will stick to being a martini girl....any time,any place,anywhere....right wot you lot 'avin...

Ella46 Sun 29-Jul-12 10:50:34

Hey Pete, I've just popped in 'cos I fancied a Slow, Comfortable Screw, and I see you're up for one on the pool table......so, if you've placed the balls and got your cue lined up ,I'll be with you shortly.

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 10:57:46

Sounds like Lil is back with a vengeance. Told that she was forced to relinquish her seat on the back bench...not enough room for her and her entourage of toy-boys, hangers-on and chaps in uniform. Apparently the Speaker called 'order, order...' that many times he was booed something horrid.
Pete the tanner you put into the poor honesty box, is a fake. Now, fair do's, stop trying to diddle Lil out of her lolly.
Make mine a half of jimmy's sporran and for good measure I'll have a wee dram chaser...hic! grin

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 10:58:22

Spoilsport Nell grin Lil your up and down like a Bride's Nightie...... Is any one looking after the interests of the Fumble residents ? My small holding in Fumble-cum-Hardy now has no MP smile Anyway I'll have an ample bosom thank you kindly..

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 11:02:00

ella Cue at the ready shall we make it best of three.... grin

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 11:03:09

Ella and Pete grin

Ella46 Sun 29-Jul-12 11:10:16

Let's go for it Pete! I've potted a few balls in my time! Might need another cock-tail first though grin wine

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 11:21:28

LIl is a fickle character and gets bored very easily....the cries of order from the back bench was only referring to forming an orderly queue .
ella please be careful of my baize whilst enjoying your long sloe comfortable screw as Pete has been known to be overly excited when trying to pot his pink,his aim is somewhat erratic which leads to a premature shot and then game over.
soop hope you enjoyed your sniff of jimmys sporan
pete your small holding is safe in your own hands,although Lil may make an exception if you need a helping hand
pete please will you stop trying to diddle me and keep your hands where I can see them....

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 11:24:09

Steady ella them cock-tails will get you giddy....hate you to miss the 'potters paradise' that awaits grin

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 11:33:09

Sounds more like a cock up waiting to happen....make sure he chalks his tip frequently....and try not to pot the brown one grin

Ella46 Sun 29-Jul-12 11:39:11

Pete I'm at my best when a bit giddy, although I can't promise not to grab your cue when I shouldn't!
And many a paradise has been lost when Lil's ample bosoms have spilled out onto the baize!

I think I might be better under the table actually grin

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 12:49:00

You can grab my cue any time you fancy ella.. but its too busy now, the pool table not the cue smile Best make it after last orders tonight so take it easy at the bar...pace yourself.. its a fine line between 'giddy and pissed too giddy ask nell grin

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 12:52:24

Nellie I avoid the brown one and only use it to go 'in off' from grin

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 12:57:00

Bit like a sat Nav then Pete...pointing you in the right direction. grin
do you ever play pocket billiards grin

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 13:09:24

Now and again nellie...just to keep me hand in ... finger on the pulse and all that grin

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 13:17:14

A notice has been screwed to the door of Lil's bar - it reads...*Warning. All those of a nervous disposition...better not cross this threshold* grin

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 13:25:54

soop there's a lot of things been screwed on Lils door....grin

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 13:27:58

Littlenellie...how did I know that you'd respond with such eloquence! grin

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 13:31:46

soop my lovely ..you know me too well xxgrin

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 13:38:35

pete least you can't get in trouble for that,just be aware it will make you blind....

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 13:40:47

Tell Lil to keep a beady eye on the lads. They are hatching some dastardly deed. Keep trying to get innocent Ella into the cellar. She's a sweet-natured and trusting girl. Doesn't deserve to be taken advantage of between the kegs and racks of cheap and cheerful plonk! x

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 13:45:57

I'll risk that nell...... grin

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 13:46:39

LIL is fully aware of the cheeky chappies and the stunts they pull on unsuspecting females..she will keep an eye on ella to make sure her reputation is not tarnished...

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 13:48:28

soop just a quick question where does she deserve to be taken advantage of....Lil does keep a clean cellar

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 13:48:59

grin

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 13:53:41

soop how very dare you !!...innocent ella and I have a meeting this evening in the games room.....and if Lil sticks her nose in then the 'shed' still has some cocktails left over..... grin

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 14:00:43

pete we are more worried about where you are going to stick. YOUR nose tonight Ella is a ladee

Ella46 Sun 29-Jul-12 15:32:04

blush blush.....damn angry Spoilsports Thank you so much girls xx

Ella46 Sun 29-Jul-12 15:35:49

Pete there were some cocktails left over in the shed, but not any more blush...well, I had to go somewhere blush Bit tiddly now.

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 16:36:04

Ooer!!! grin

Ella46 Sun 29-Jul-12 16:53:54

Oh soop (shame faced, wringing hanky) I'm a good girl really, honest wink

It's that Pete, he gets me going something rotten shock

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 17:08:14

Ella my lovely lassie, I DO understand. You are as pure as the freshly laundered, starched table-napkins in Nell's low-class Bar grin

As for that rascal Pete, all the maidens in the village are in hiding - locked in their rooms for safe keeping. hmm

Anagram Sun 29-Jul-12 17:12:33

Oh, soop, you do realise that it's been many moons since the table napkins in Lil's Bar were laundered, never mind starched (at least, not with starch) don't you? They are now an assortment of filthy rags, having been used to mop up all sorts of spillages and accidental leakages (remember gramps's bout of incontinence not long ago?), and fit only for the pig bucket where green's been boiling them up with the tripe and onions.
I fear that doesn't say much for Ella's state of purity.....confused

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 17:14:47

Ana...precisely! grin

Anagram Sun 29-Jul-12 17:16:53

You're so clever, soop! wink

Ella46 Sun 29-Jul-12 17:21:31

How very dare you both?
Ok, maybe I've played on the pool table more than a few times, but I like to keep my hand in and Pete likes me to use his cue whenever I can.
Playing with them keeps the balls shiny too although I haven't seen the pink one for ages!

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 17:24:06

As for the shrieks of mischievous laughter ringing loud and shrill from the lads' games room. I blush to think what what that supposed game of tiddlywinks is all about. Pour me a quadruple malt, please Ana. Put the iou in the honesty box - that if it ever turns up. I heard it was last seen in the pawnbroker's shop window

Anagram Sun 29-Jul-12 17:31:58

I think those balls could do with a good wash, Ella, they've been stored in the coal-hole since 1974. You've probably handled the pink one more times than you know!
I'll join you in that quadruple, soop, it's the only way to avoid being dragged down to the level of the rest of 'em...

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 17:42:32

Well said, Ana...we two have to maintain a certain dubious sense of refinement. Wouldn't want to give Lil's a lower class rating than it deserves. When we've had another treble [for old times sake] shall we buzz off to the pub opposite? It's LOUD & FRENZIED LIVE-SO-CALLED-MUSIC NITE I do lurve a loud din to help me chill. grin

Anagram Sun 29-Jul-12 17:49:28

Oooh! I'm game if you are, soop (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). I think I'll need a bit of loud music to keep me awake after all those quadruples and trebles - after all, Lil's bar doesn't do measures so we've really just been sloshing 'em in, haven't we...[hic]...? I may need some assistance to find my way to the door....

soop Sun 29-Jul-12 17:51:09

Totters out of the bar with wibbly-wobbly steps. Trips over the shaggy doormat dog. Looks up and sees Ana swinging from the flower basket. Giggles, hics, giggles again and is thrust headlong onto the backseat of Mr soop's car. He looks a trifle perturbed. Waves a foot out the window as she leaves Ana doing handstands...

Anagram Sun 29-Jul-12 17:53:18

Soop! Where've you gone...[hic]..?
Looks like her Knight in Shining Armour has rescued her in the nick of time, as usual...smile

Littlenellie Sun 29-Jul-12 18:03:08

Well I hope ana tucked her frock in her knickers first...grin especially with pete"on the pull...did you all dance round your handbags
Do you have to pay for your drinks over the road?

Anagram Sun 29-Jul-12 18:08:30

Never got there, nellie - in fact, I think it might have been a figment of soop's imagination! I couldn't hear anything loud out here while I was hanging from the flower basket (bet I couldn't do that sober!) except for the screeching of Mr soop's car tyres as he whisked soop away to save her from further debauchery.

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 19:43:28

They're dropping like flies ella Just need to get Nellie a few more doubles and thats them all done for the night smile Could be game on again later !! grin (after the football obviously).

Ella46 Sun 29-Jul-12 19:48:05

Not sure I can wait that long Pete, I may start without you wink

Pete Sun 29-Jul-12 23:12:01

Its ok...I'll catch you up grin

gramps Sun 29-Jul-12 23:30:13

Hoho, you lot -if I didn't know better, I'd think I was in a house of "ill repute."hmm
Pete, the 'erbs enhance the efficacy of my medication. And I get some wonderful dreams! 'Ere Lil, do you think I could sell my dreams to the unsuspecting casual punters! grin
My cue is a bit bent, due to leaving it overnight next to an old boiler. Marvellous for tricky screw shots. it's tip needs refurbishing as it tends to slip off the play balls. It has torn a small rip in the baize, when I got excited!

Pete Mon 30-Jul-12 00:31:42

Oh ella I'm shattered...ok then best of ten it is....Ladies first.. grin

Pete Mon 30-Jul-12 13:01:07

gramps you can now buy cue-extensions, that might assist you. I don't bother as I like to keep the cue-ball safe and near the pockets....

gramps Mon 30-Jul-12 13:14:46

Confucous say, "man with hole in pocket, ----! Take care young Pete!
These Ladies and their pocket repair kits! hmm

soop Mon 30-Jul-12 17:52:17

OH dear, Ana did I let the side down? blush Mr soop hasn't said a word. He just keeps peering at me [with an arched eyebrow] over the top of his newspaper. Every so often, he shakes his head and tuts. Have an idea that I'm grounded. hmm

Anagram Mon 30-Jul-12 17:55:28

Don't worry, soop, you're lucky that Mr Soop rescued you in time before the vice squad raid! Fortunately, I was still hanging from the flower-basket so they missed me - not sure what happened to Lil and the rest, though...confused Think I might lie low for a while - I've got my reputation to think of, even if nobody else does! grin

soop Mon 30-Jul-12 18:00:36

Ana grin

Ella46 Mon 30-Jul-12 18:09:45

I was ok as I used to be in the vice squad, it's where I learnt everything I know!
Pete beat a hasty retreat I think, and Lil got out more of her Ample Bosoms

Anagram Mon 30-Jul-12 18:19:24

Might have known Lil would be bosom buddies with anyone connected with vice! Still, Ella, at least if Pete scarpered he couldn't try to seduce you with his battered cue again - when will he ever learn that quick a wipe-down with an oily rag doesn't make it work any better....

Ella46 Mon 30-Jul-12 20:18:17

I was only luring him in really hmm, I wasn't going to let him get the upper hand! I don't know how the V squad knew where I was shock

gramps Mon 30-Jul-12 21:41:56

Ella. poor dear gel.
Oldest trick in the Conjurers Handbook - Distraction!
While your'e watching the upper hand, you suddenly are aware that the lower hand "ain't where you thought it was!"

Pete Mon 30-Jul-12 23:26:04

ella...a gentleman never tells, so your safe... grin ana my cue is not 'battered'...thats just gossip.. as you know from last New Years Eve wink

Littlenellie Tue 31-Jul-12 08:27:17

Quick someone give me a large one....6 weeks holiday....Lils on maternity leave will call in and out ...help yourselves put the money in the box,,,look after each other back for flying visit when I can.. ......

Pete Wed 01-Aug-12 19:14:51

Take care Nellie .....more like 7 weeks with teacher training days. The bar is in good hands so don't worry your pretty little head... grin Right...Coach load on a 'Hen night' expected later, that should help the takings ... Happy Days smile

Littlenellie Wed 01-Aug-12 19:23:14

peteanother grandad may pop in later by the name of frankel please will you and gramps look after him,knew I could rely on my main men[smiile]

Littlenellie Wed 01-Aug-12 19:25:33

Thank you pete knew I could rely on my mate xx

gramps Wed 01-Aug-12 20:16:31

Hi Lil,
Is Frankel used to women in large quantittys?

We will keep an eye open . As regards his welfare - well! ---!

Littlenellie Wed 01-Aug-12 20:21:47

Thanx gramps knew I could rely on my main menxxxx

Ella46 Wed 01-Aug-12 21:14:18

gramps you do not spell quantity like that!!!! Quantittys indeed!
You have a one track mind obviously grin

jeni Wed 01-Aug-12 21:54:25

That's why he likes the ample bosoms!

gramps Wed 01-Aug-12 21:55:38

I thought it was spelt that way on all school lavvy walls! (Boys schools!) (grin)

Pete, Did you notice any rong spellin' ear?

Did anywun else get as much as 5% fer spelin? (confused)

Pete Wed 01-Aug-12 23:50:51

Herb garden needs attention gramps ...lots missing at the moment. Hen Party my eye, it was a mini-bus of chicken breeders...you couldn't make it up grin The 'yolk' was on them when the male stripper turned up smile

gramps Thu 02-Aug-12 11:22:09

Hi young Pete,
Hen party sounds more like a cock up! Was there fowl play suspected!
I found a small bag of dried herbs in a corner of the cellar - near to the trapdoor, which I still can't find!

Pete Thu 02-Aug-12 11:46:56

Eggsactly gramps smile and what we took over the bar was chicken-feed. Keep hold of the bag...it will come in handy later!

Littlenellie Thu 02-Aug-12 13:06:29

Don't go leading frankel astray my lovely boys smile

soop Thu 02-Aug-12 13:27:58

Littlenellie...if Frankel steps inside Lil's bar and meets up with your "lovely boys" then he'll most certainly be led astray grin

Littlenellie Thu 02-Aug-12 17:04:49

Could we handle 3 naughty boys..? wink

Pete Thu 02-Aug-12 18:54:16

nellie you can handle me any time......but get the beer in first grin

Ella46 Thu 02-Aug-12 19:32:24

Oh Pete, you are so fickle.....

Pete Thu 02-Aug-12 19:50:22

Sorry ella but nellie was always one of my favorites...but you are fast overtaking her for my affections...and as Nell is away at the moment...and the pool table is free... grin

Ella46 Thu 02-Aug-12 19:53:09

That is so typical of men! Any port in a storm!! grin

See you later, mine's a large G&T please.

Pete Thu 02-Aug-12 20:15:54

gramps please pass me a bottle of Gin and a couple of Tonics....and I need the 'Private Party in Progress' sign for the games room.. grin

Anagram Thu 02-Aug-12 20:24:14

Ella, if you're not careful you won't have a reputation to lose! There has been talk among the regulars, and a two-wheeled mode of transport was mentioned more than once in the same breath as your name...I've tried to convince 'em that you're just being friendly, but that just seemed to give some of the gents a hopeful glint in their eye! confused

Pete Thu 02-Aug-12 20:36:11

Close the front door behind you gramps see you tomorrow... grin

Ella46 Thu 02-Aug-12 20:38:17

Don't worry about me Ana, I'm a Gemini and I can talk my way out of anything! Including the games room!
(I'll just tell him that I bat for the other side, it always works! wink )

Anagram Thu 02-Aug-12 21:13:05

I, too, am a Gemini Ella, and I can see the flaws in your double-thinking...hmm. I don't think the not-into-men ploy will work, Pete likes a challenge! grin

jeni Thu 02-Aug-12 21:18:16

Should we have the next party in here?
Perhaps an influx of us nice genteel members of GN might make this establishment more genteel?

whitewave Thu 02-Aug-12 21:20:16

I think it is a lost cause

Ella46 Thu 02-Aug-12 21:22:44

Ana You are like my conscience sitting on my shoulder! What would I do without you? wink

jeni Not while you are wearing your pearls! Not unless you're handy with your crutches!

Anagram Thu 02-Aug-12 21:55:07

I'm sure jeni's very handy with her crutches! Especially when her pearls are under threat....wink

gramps Thu 02-Aug-12 22:12:30

Oh Pete,
Some person 'as took the Private Party notice an' nailed it to the cellar door.
Shall I unscrew the door an' bring iy up, or transfer your "party" dahn 'Ere? confused

Pete Thu 02-Aug-12 22:43:24

ana please get off ella's shoulder...unless your both into cricket smile Ella a stroll down the old mill by the stream may be a better idea..... grin

gramps Thu 02-Aug-12 22:45:14

OI , Ella. That's MY line, wot uv used already gel!

But I like you. So no more bovver eh?

jeni Thu 02-Aug-12 22:45:46

confused isn't old mill stream Nellie Dean?

Anagram Thu 02-Aug-12 22:45:49

Ella, don't go there! Remember what happened to nellie! shock

Pete Thu 02-Aug-12 22:47:16

gramps.....lock em all in the cellar....I'm off for a stroll....

gramps Thu 02-Aug-12 22:53:29

I've 'eard uv Pearly Queens. Are you one of them then - Do you need a Pearly King??
I'd be good at that. And I'd brush up on my electrocution lessons! wink

gramps Thu 02-Aug-12 22:58:53

Cor Pete, You're a cool customer. 'and it to you mate. An' a right ol' smoothy!!
envy

gramps Thu 02-Aug-12 23:03:31

Got to go now to find some more CLEAN straw for me bed!
The other lot got fed to Nell's ruddy 'orse!

ZZZZzzz

Ella46 Fri 03-Aug-12 08:15:39

Enough now, I'm off! Can't do with all this gossip and malarky. Got to think of my reputation good name!

Pete, you'll have to manage with Lil and Honky Tonk!

Littlenellie Fri 03-Aug-12 09:57:38

Have Igot a horse ...or was the mention of getting some oats gramps that has confused you....
pete be careful..I did mention I am on maternity leave..
ella pete is a fickle character,it was my ample bosom that he fell for but now I see he like a port in the storm ...pete be careful of the cockburns
jeni guard your pearl for all it's worth..you are sitting on a gold mine..
ana I am surrounded by gemini's....are you the good one or the naughty one today,is your halo round your head or your knees

Love you all back soonxxxxxx

Anagram Fri 03-Aug-12 10:01:37

Ankles, nellie! grin

Pete Fri 03-Aug-12 10:05:28

Your good name is intact ella Take no notice of the (jealous) gossip from the 'snug'..... grin

soop Fri 03-Aug-12 11:48:03

The antics are on a downward spiral. Three lads and a bar-full of beauties...not to mention the Ample Bosom and cockburns...I shall sneek in for a gander when Mr soop is fast asleep [pretending to read a serious history of Scotland.] Get the G&T's lined up...and make them trebles. I've a wicked thirst. Been yelling at the tele'...that Andy will be battling it out with that Djokovitch this afternoon. Och aye the noo!!!grin

gramps Fri 03-Aug-12 21:01:03

I see MORE bikes on tele' today. Good for GB team - and what about that Victoria then. Golden girl, or what??

flag flag flag

soop Sat 04-Aug-12 14:46:27

...and how about Andy? The boy did well to beat Djoko. Large drinks all round. Put the tab in the so-called 'honesty box.' I see that Lil has padlocked it to the remaining beer pump. Last time gramps turned it upside down [the box, not the pump] Pete's dodgy tanner fell out. Love to all the regulars. Back for a catch up after the tennis. grin

gramps Sat 04-Aug-12 17:30:39

Oh, Soopy love.
I didn't turn the ox upside down. It fell on me. 'Must have been watching the Judo!! OXES are pretty heavy beasts too!
It might seem that I shook the box when Pete's dodgy coin fell out, and it was a dud Euro. Not BRITISH at all! Is there NO honesty left in Lil's Bar?
I think poor old Pete was co(I)nned some where!
We've lost Frankel somewhere - 'Hope Pete's looking out for him! grin

gramps Sat 04-Aug-12 20:12:02

Pete!,
was it you that I saw sneaking into the commentary box ,when those three gorgeous beauties were being interviewed after their amazing win in the sculls
race? You lucky old dog! envy
And I just recocnised Frankel trying to follow you in. He had his hat on back to front again! grin
I hope those three tough looking women from the Judo team didn't do too much harm to him, when they "escorted" him out!! Poor lad - and he's only just joined us too!! hmm

Anagram Sat 04-Aug-12 20:17:39

Why have the Olympics infiltrated Lil's Bar? hmm
Is there no escape....?

gramps Sat 04-Aug-12 22:08:49

Sorry Ana, but keeping it topical makes for more daft situations. There is so much possible material to utilise!

I'll go home now for a rest. I'm worn out just watching!

Byee.

Pete Sun 05-Aug-12 00:11:14

No it wasn't me gramps ...any mention of 'cox-less' rowing makes my eyes water grin ana fancy a stroll...? smile

soop Sun 05-Aug-12 12:01:05

Ana Should you succomb for Pete's undeniable charm will you please be sure to tell us all about it over a pitcher of Ample Bosoms...grin

Anagram Sun 05-Aug-12 12:05:10

Don't worry, soop, I remember only too well what happened when Pete took nellie for a stroll by the stream - forewarned is forearmed, and I can pack a pretty hefty punch with my forearm....wink

soop Sun 05-Aug-12 12:07:15

Ana ...grin

Pete Sun 05-Aug-12 17:33:43

gramps have you enough G n T in the pub cos I think soop will be havin a few tonight smile ... some tennis game or summat ! grin

Pete Sun 05-Aug-12 17:39:18

ana think we will leave the stroll then....dont much fancy a forearm smash......its not what I had in mind grin

jeni Sun 05-Aug-12 17:44:14

I thought you said you liked a smashing time?

Pete Sun 05-Aug-12 18:43:42

Well I'll change that to 'good time' save any misunderstanding... wink

gramps Sun 05-Aug-12 18:53:56

Diplomacy too Pete! wink

Anagram Sun 05-Aug-12 18:59:34

I can give a good wallop, too, Pete! wink
(no innuendos, if you don't mind - it's before the watershed and soop might be within hearing distance....)

Pete Sun 05-Aug-12 21:29:06

After the tennis I doubt soop is in any fit state to hear anything....last seen zig-zaging along the High Street clutching a bottle of Gin... grin A good wallop * ana* hmmm......(not into wrestling are you!)

gramps Sun 05-Aug-12 21:49:23

Pete, you let soop wander around with that bottle of gin? You know what she is like with strong lemonade. She gets flighty or flirty, and wearing that dress that becomes "seethrough" when it gets wet! smile
Forecast is for heavy rain in five minutes time - I'll go to find her!
Where's me brolly?
If I'm not back by midnight, leave the key in the usual place.
It may take quite a while to help soop get dry and warm!! grin

Pete Sun 05-Aug-12 23:03:41

Good luck gramps ....key in usual place... grin

Littlenellie Mon 06-Aug-12 10:03:14

Morning all flying visit...hope you all behaving in a manner to which you have become accustomed ...having a new carpet laid to day..will have to test later for carpet burns...wouldn't want one of the children to hurt themselves would we.
Took a walk up Blossom Hill last night,and sat around Echo Falls to soothe my hassled existence ...so now I have a banging head all self inflicted,and a visit to the OLD GOAL HOUSE planned....if I see any suitable methods of keeping the boys under control will tell you later...think pete might be a suitable candidate for the stocks,we can torment him by getting young ladies in wet T shirts to throw wet sponges at him..being a gent of many years,we will treat gramps with more respect ..unless of course he would like young ladies in wet T shirts to throw water and wet sponges at him.
soop is a ladee and I cannot imagine her being anything else but,the person wandering around with said gin bottle must be a nasty rude clone,I did hear that she had fallen to the floor and was effing and blinding at the police when they came to help her up......In fact I am wondering who is guilty of MAKING AN OBSCENE CLONE FALL.....
ana ankles today please if you are out with pete unless you are the one putting him in the stocks and wearing a wet T shirt....

soop Mon 06-Aug-12 10:59:27

Boy! Did I celebrate last night...or what? Andy did us proud. Andy and Laura did us proud. I had a ball. Gin was super-special and packed a wallop. Twasn't I who was seen staggering around Lil's making a spectacle of meself. Nell's right. I'm a ladee. Gramps was seen stumbling along the gutter with his brolly blown inside out. Pete kept jumping in puddles and soaked Gramps to his quivering knee caps. Ana I trust that you maintained a sense of decorum. Someone spotted you both [arm in arm] disappearing into the mist that cloaks the bonnie banks...

Anagram Mon 06-Aug-12 11:10:06

Soop, take no notice of 'someone' - they are casting nasturtiums again and trying to besmirch my good name (whatever it was). I had to serve behind the bar because all the bar staff were unconscious celebrating Andy, Andy and Laura's success and things would have got out of hand if I hadn't stepped in with the pig bucket. That soon sobered 'em up! grin

soop Mon 06-Aug-12 13:05:51

Ana It takes real class to stand upright behind Lil's bar and serve the rabble with a smile on your face [whilst masking a wicked glint in your eye!] The number of times I've been pelted with soggy pork scratchings for being mardy...well, let's say, it would put any right-minded ladee off for good.

Anagram Mon 06-Aug-12 13:21:13

Are you saying I'm not right-minded, soop? hmm There's plenty left in the pig bucket, you know....!

wink

soop Mon 06-Aug-12 13:31:13

Ana ...you, my dear, have been nominated as best bar beauty in the district. We all look up to you. The chaps think you're fun. Although the till may remain empty during your shift, the honesty box is groaning with i.o.u's. After closing time, Gramps and Pete fiddle your expenses. I did warn you...wink

Anagram Mon 06-Aug-12 13:34:03

Well, I was aware of a bit of fiddling going on, I must admit....blush

soop Mon 06-Aug-12 13:41:15

My advice to you, Ana, is keep the lads at arm's length. Between them, they have more tentacles than an octopus!

Pete Mon 06-Aug-12 15:02:14

nellie nothing worse than carpet burns...except for a well known Port. wink The stocks idea is right up my street...as long as we get to swop shirts at the end... grin (and the sponges are dunked in Ample Bosom )!

No need to keep us at arms length ana...after last nights arm-wrestling I'm keeping well away....

gramps Mon 06-Aug-12 18:01:43

Oh deary me, What a lot of "red herrings" swimming in the pond today!
How much is the truth. (as if we care!)

Well, yes, my brolly did turn inside out. Young Pete was jumping into all the deepest puddles he could find - like a li'l school kid was he.
I opened the brolly, good golly Miss Molly and walked right into a tree!
The view now was stunning, stars going and coming from every angle on hand,
But qh, what a din, a musical sin - like facing a military band! confused

I lorst site of pete,'cos 'e used 'is feet an'like a whipett 'e ran, leavin' me in a fix
me mind playin' tricks - not knowin' where the 'ell I am!!
Slowly regainin' me composure now,but me Uncle Ned's all of a clutter, Must git meself in and triple the gin,before I starts on me sst-tut-tte - err!

gramps Mon 06-Aug-12 18:30:58

Feelin' better now.
Did I hear say of a lot of stock beauties, wanting to wash me down in Ample Bosoms, I might think I've fallen orf me perch an'gorn to 'Eaven!!
[f;owers]

Pete Mon 06-Aug-12 21:37:18

I knew you would be up for it gramps smile Lock Stock and Empty Barrels !

I'm off to find a partner...really fancy that 'Mixed Pairs Ping-Pong' carry on......

gramps Mon 06-Aug-12 22:55:49

Don't forget your ping pong balls, Pete, and don't let the girls squeeze them, or they crack and will be of no use! They don't bounce then! grin

Pete Tue 07-Aug-12 12:49:17

Good advice,as usual,gramps! Thought I would put a board over the pool table to be used for the ping-pong...due to lack of interest from local ladees I've emailed Jessica Ennis to pop down for a ping-pong trial...she seems a sporty type grin

Ella46 Tue 07-Aug-12 12:53:34

Let us know if the e mail works Pete, I can think of a few athletic types I would like to play with! blush

In a laydee-like way soop of course! grin

soop Tue 07-Aug-12 12:56:26

hmm Ella...that makes two of us... wink

Anagram Tue 07-Aug-12 13:08:58

Oh no, don't give them ideas, ladies! I don't think Lil's bar is ready for the sight of Pete and gramps in their skimpies....shock
(Although it might be good for a grin)

Ella46 Tue 07-Aug-12 13:11:20

I did say athletic types Ana, surely they wouldn't think........?

soop Tue 07-Aug-12 13:12:51

Ana Neither Ella nor I mentioned Gramps and Pete. Best that those two keep their long-johns on. hmm

Anagram Tue 07-Aug-12 13:19:27

Soop, I know you didn't mention them - but they have big ears, and if they thought they were in with a chance I wouldn't put anything past them! Ella, I don't think they actually realise that they're not athletic types. They probably think darts and pool is close enough.....hmm

soop Tue 07-Aug-12 13:21:13

Ana That's sooooooo funny... grin

gramps Tue 07-Aug-12 13:36:23

Watch out Pete, with the two "hot totties" turning up. Your balls are highly flammable!.
I suggest that you pinch a large plastic bag from Nellie's knicker drawer, wear them trousers with the "Poachers pockets" wot you nicked off old Tom Poachers clothes line. Secure the large plastic bag inside the pocket, and fill it with water, then the balls will be kept cool, and out of harms way.grin
Check that the improvised pocket is waterproof BEFORE filling with water and wearing ! I don't want any more aspersions to my presumed incontinence! blush

Pete Tue 07-Aug-12 14:39:24

Cheers gramps but I'll take my chances in my Matalan shorts.
Just how athletic is ping-pong ? just hit it back...less exercise than pool and darts grin
ella Jess replied and said she may be available in Feb 2052...hope you have better luck wink

gramps Tue 07-Aug-12 15:54:47

Pete, don't let the girls know, but at at one time I played ping pong each lunch time. My serves were feared for their ferocious slices and spins.
Sometimes I even won!
It were called "table tennis" in my days! grin
let's 'ave a get to gether, an' I'll show you a few tricks. (fouls, I thinks they was called!) wink

soop Tue 07-Aug-12 16:52:13

Pete and Gramps ...You are incorrigible [but we like you that way] grin

soop Tue 07-Aug-12 17:39:55

Just dropping in to Lil's for a last "I am only 70" visit...OldGreyMare and I share the same birthday tomorrow. I'm still just a wee girl [inside my head] and would like to say, the drinks are on me tomorrow. Is there room in the honesty box for one more I.O.U? wink

Anagram Tue 07-Aug-12 17:56:22

We'll get the bunting out, soop! smile
(although it might need a bit of a wash after the Jubilee shennanigans....hmm)

gramps Tue 07-Aug-12 18:01:04

Dear Soopy,
All very best wishes for a fantastic birthday!!
Have a large "Champers" on me!( Hands over a cyber £28 note.-made earlier today!)
Also a "Grampy" hug and xxxxx
(I'm only 10yrs. ahead of you!) grin

soop Wed 08-Aug-12 15:09:22

Ana and Gramps...you're too kind. Thanks for the Champers. I'll share it with you all later. Having a lovely, sunny birthday. Special card hand-made with the use of "proper scissors" from the wee man, together with a copy of his gold medal award for 'Balance Beam' at the nursery games. He scored a silver in the 'Bean Bag Race' and made a stirling effort in the 'Hoop Jump' and 'Ball Toss'. Items for my treasure box. Enjoyed our lunch and had a glass of delicious wine. Pinot wotsit to be opened later. Slainte! wine

Anagram Wed 08-Aug-12 15:28:39

Sounds absolutely wonderful, soop! Glad you're having a good day. smile
(Which is more than can be said for us lot slaving over a hot bar with no customers and no sign of that green since a week last Whenever! If you see her, tell her the pig bucket's in need of another batch of tripe and onion - the lot she made last month's getting a bit whiffy, although gramps doesn't seem to mind.....confused)

Ella46 Wed 08-Aug-12 16:13:45

Ana that isn't tripe and onions, that's the dirty bar cloths that green left soaking!
The tripe and onions is in the old dog bowl under the sink!
Don't know how you could have made that mistake! Silly old bat

Anagram Wed 08-Aug-12 17:12:13

Well, Ella [sniff] gramps has been enjoying the dishcloths then....

Ella46 Wed 08-Aug-12 17:17:35

What can I say, his wife is a rotten cook? (Sorry Mrs gramps) wink

jeni Wed 08-Aug-12 17:31:54

anagram have you got a cold? That's two threads I've glanced at and you're sniffing on both?

Anagram Wed 08-Aug-12 17:41:57

It was a huffy sniff in both cases, jeni! (Ella thought I hadn't noticed her badly-crossed-out insult! hmm)
I'll get Lil to put her on Toilet Cleaning Duties for a week....that'll sort her out grin

Ella46 Wed 08-Aug-12 19:05:26

Oh Ana I'm so sorry that's what she thinks, it must have been a glitch in the computer, I would never insult you!

Not much anyway wink

Anagram Wed 08-Aug-12 19:09:14

No need to apologise, Ella not that you were, really.
You're still on Toilet Duties though! because I'm b****ered if I'm doing them - especially the gents!

gramps Wed 08-Aug-12 19:54:33

Anagram and Ella.
Mrs. Grsamps was not highly amused by the
slanderous remarks re. her cooking, and if I dared to agree I'd be on starvation diet for the next twelve months! angry
She added, that I have survived it for the last 57yrs.!!

(Between you, me and the gatepost, Mrs G hates tripe and onions and has NEVER made it! The only tripe she tolerates is mine, 'cos she loves me really!) wink smile

Pete Wed 08-Aug-12 21:04:45

Happy Birthday Soop Slainte...Cheers....and as your in the chair mines a ...pint! grin..xx

Littlenellie Wed 08-Aug-12 22:13:10

Bowl under the sink contains gramps long johns.. Complete with sani flap opening on the gusset...not to be mistaken with tripe and onions...both highly noxious......

Ella46 Wed 08-Aug-12 22:21:29

I'll have a look at the toilets after I've finished this very large G&T, and if I don't like the look of them....well I'm not doing them and I don't care what that Anagram says, 'cos she's not in charge here!
I'd sniff but I'm too near to the gents!

Anagram Wed 08-Aug-12 22:21:57

So what happened to the tripe and onions? shock

Ella46 Wed 08-Aug-12 22:23:49

I bet Pete had them, he'll eat anything after a few pints! shock

Anagram Wed 08-Aug-12 22:29:35

Well, I'd like to know who is in charge then - is it Lil or nellie who's on maternity leave? Anyway, I'm abandoning my post now so it's everyone for themselves - mine's a pint of Drambuie and bugger never mind the consequences!

Littlenellie Wed 08-Aug-12 22:30:24

Donald ate them..which is why he has been running around in a toxic miasma all day long... His breath smells so bad,we look forward to his farts....

soop Thu 09-Aug-12 12:49:09

Ana and nellie you are both gifted with an engaging way with words...grin

Anagram Thu 09-Aug-12 13:16:10

soop, that is why I'm hanging up my apron - Mr A says Lil's bar has been a bad influence on me and he doesn't know where I've learned such coarse language! He's also not keen on the whiff of tripe and onions and stale beer that surrounds me after a stint behind the bar!
I think I need some Remedial Laydee Lessons....confused

soop Thu 09-Aug-12 13:50:40

I'll meet you in the snug Ana...I came in at the crack of dawn. Worked my fingers to the bone polishing, vacuuming, plumping up the velvet cushions. It's the only decent place for we laydees to unwind. Managed to fix a bolt on the door. When we're in residence, the chaps are barred. Anyway, they're not in the least bit interested in sitting quietly and having a decent, intelligent conversation. Much too tame for those scalliwags!!! grin

Pete Thu 09-Aug-12 13:52:35

gramps Where is the 'Barmaid Wanted' sign.....as Lil Nel et al are awol at the mo, the chaps and my goodself will conduct interviews in the games room... grin

soop Fri 10-Aug-12 18:08:10

Laydees...Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing! Enter yonder games room at your peril. wink

Anagram Fri 10-Aug-12 18:10:06

They've had no applicants yet, soop! Goodness knows what they're up to in there....

Pete Fri 10-Aug-12 19:39:23

In fact several applicants....and one outstanding candidate smile We're going for dinner this evening (Chippy Tea as its Friday)....and an offer may be put to the 'laydee' concerned grin

Anagram Fri 10-Aug-12 20:12:29

I hope it's not Ella....her head is so easily turned! confused

Ella46 Fri 10-Aug-12 20:18:20

No chance, my head's already on backwards grin

Anyway it would take a lot more than a chippy tea! I'm getting fed up with that bloomin Anagram always sniping at me!

Why don't you give it a whirl Ana, you seem to be at a loose end! wink loose end of a rope if she's not careful

Anagram Fri 10-Aug-12 20:29:48

Don't be so mean, Ella! I only had your interests at heart.
If you recall, I resigned from the barmaid job because it was beneath me it was interfering with my social life. But if you and Pete are now an item, what better way of combining business with pleasure? wink

Ella46 Fri 10-Aug-12 21:28:09

Fingers in the till more like!
Pete can go and whistle, I've had it with men! Hmm that didn't come out right

I only go in the bar to pick soop up off the floor, she's always legless!

gramps Fri 10-Aug-12 23:32:07

Soop's legs are ok;I'll keep an eye on them for her! I;ve always admired good legs!
I had to select perfect legs for one Company that I worked for. Legs were then selected for conformity, and when past inspection,were carefully packed and released to "LEGO"! grin

Littlenellie Sat 11-Aug-12 09:25:40

False alarm...ana or should I say pregnant pause
Lil says she now feels able carry out her duties she has been suffering from stress induced summer insanity,not helped by her foray into politics,and the superstar status she received from her appearance in poundland.
Nellie is the sensible one ana she is a good girl,she wouldn't get herself into trouble,it is our Lil who has always been the feisty one,I am quite happy being a matron and in my own choice of career....and being Lils mouthpiece.
Lil says she is quite happy for pete to take over as bar manager but she needs to check his credentials first and do a CRB (crafty,randy,bugger) and if he passes and is all of these things she is happy to have him behind the bar.....ella and ana Lil is awe of your sporting prowess with the ping pong and tennis,and gramps with his pocket billiards, so she has started a healthy regime with horizontal jogging,and tonsil hockey being her sports of choice....she is now looking for a coach and mentor in these activities.......Nellie is going to sit in the snug with soop and admire our nice ankles and drink pimms like ladees.....
Lil is looking for something to put behind her ears to attract the men.......her ankles are not an option.......

Ella46 Sat 11-Aug-12 10:49:06

nell grin love it! The ankles!

soop Sat 11-Aug-12 12:51:21

HA HA! I'm impressed with the latest comings and goings at Lil's dive place. Now that dear Nellie is feeling up to having a nice quiet drink with we laydees in the snug, I'll just lock the games room door. The lads are being awfully frisky today. Keep hearing yelps and hoots of surprise from behind the well-battered door. Come on Ella and Ana I've polished our table and have thrown the dirty glasses out of the window. It's impossible to get good staff these days. grin

Pete Sat 11-Aug-12 21:15:22

The outstanding candidate for barmaid proved much too good for Lils and I have offered her a far better position as a 'Part time house cleaner' at my riverside retreat....so, happy days!
Lil is fully updated with my credentials Nell... grin

Anagram Sat 11-Aug-12 21:33:15

I bet she is! grin

gramps Sat 11-Aug-12 21:41:47

You lucky guy Pete,
Bu what what position does she take when NOT part time cleaner dities keep he gainfully employed? wink
Is Pete's riverside retreat known as "Pete's Punt" or "Runny Bank"? How are your liquid assets mate? grin

Pete Sat 11-Aug-12 21:55:46

My liquid assets consist of several cases of wine (my new housekeepers favorite tipple) and lots of ample bosom for me gramps and never you mind about her position....a gentleman never tells grin

Pete Sat 11-Aug-12 21:57:31

ana wink

Littlenellie Sun 12-Aug-12 11:15:51

pete Lil is worried and having lurid thoughts of your new housekeeper on all fours Attending to your laminate floor with a duster attached to her knees and in her hands does she by chance own a little short maid uniform,with a feather duster....and speak French......when she ask for "zee flash" please clarify what she is requesting....we don't want you making a bleach of the peace do we..
As soop has such high standards of housekeeping perhaps we should send her for a visit to inspect all your cracks and crevices to make sure they and any interesting corners have been attended to.
I hope you are paying your "oh wotapair" in a coin of the realm ,payment in kind is unnaceptable,and the exchange rate is not soissant neuf euros to the pound...perhaps matron needs to be in attendance in case of any industrial injury incurred whilst scuttling round the laminate.....

soop Sun 12-Aug-12 12:34:51

I always like to give the cracks and crevices a jolly good tickle with my outsize feather duster. I have one golden rule: I only ever check out the housekeeping in the absence of certain "types"...Pete and Gramps know what I mean. To do so whilst either is in residence is asking for trouble big time. I would need to demand danger money. Knowing those two rascals they'd try to palm me off with IOU's. Tough! I'm not that daft...hmm

Littlenellie Sun 12-Aug-12 14:44:17

soop a tickle with your feather duster sounds just the job....be careful in case he asks you to blow his cobwebs..
Take mr muscle and mr sheen for protection.....and juan sheet...

soop Sun 12-Aug-12 14:55:57

Littlenellie sound advice from a laydee of the world grin

Pete Sun 12-Aug-12 16:59:56

nellie No need to check this evening.. fifi my housekeeper is in the middle of making my tea (she likes to wear her pinny for this). Tell Lil not to worry as a duster, feather or otherwise, seem alien to her but its no problem as I'll hoover after.
We intend to watch the closing of the Olympics as my housekeeper has promised it will end with a huge BANG.... grin

Littlenellie Sun 12-Aug-12 17:33:23

And fireworks ????grin

Anagram Sun 12-Aug-12 17:42:52

Let's hope it doesn't turn out to be a damp squib....wink

Littlenellie Sun 12-Aug-12 17:46:43

Wonder if FIFA is a right cracker..or an old banger..grin

Littlenellie Sun 12-Aug-12 17:48:19

Whoops that should have been Fifi but perhaps right first time ...hope pete dosent score any own goals ....IPad has amind of its own grin

gramps Sun 12-Aug-12 22:39:53

What a satisfying finish,so far - banging as well!
More fireworks later. { 'specially if Mrs G finds I've been printing off my own £21 notes to pay off my Ladee friends. It helps the "inflation"!)

Pete, I hear that you can have a right old ball with your young (maid?) FIFA!wink

Pete Mon 13-Aug-12 11:15:40

Fantastic!! Fireworks, stars and a stunning climax to the night. (Olympic closing ceremony not bad as well) grin
nellie I woke refreshed and my housekeeper was busy preparing a 'Full English' AND my wallet is still here so thats a first..... wink

soop Mon 13-Aug-12 11:20:34

Pete...of course your wallet is still with you...after all, there's nowt in it, apart from several dodgy, dog-eared IOU's grin

soop Mon 13-Aug-12 12:08:40

...plus little balls of fluff and a long deceased moth...grin

Pete Mon 13-Aug-12 12:43:02

soop .. The moth has been removed but you are right about the balls of fluff (why are they always blue?) grin
The iou's belong to gramps...he is smitten by your ankles!! mind you its all he can see of you laying on the bar floor.. (gramps NOT you soop) grin

soop Mon 13-Aug-12 13:18:29

Pete Don't tell me that gramps is still prostrate. Last time I saw him he doing his best to pretend he was as good as upright...he's such a crafty old codger, will do anything to catch a glimpse of a becoming ankle. wink

Anagram Mon 13-Aug-12 13:29:41

Haven't you noticed how often gramps 'accidentally' drops his peanuts on the floor of the bar, soop? It's only so that he can grovel around on his hands and knees while ogling your ankles - you may have to invest in some wellies!

soop Mon 13-Aug-12 13:37:59

Ana...Yay! Got a big pair of wellies that I used to wear when feeding Rory [the feral cat with attitude.] Once upon a time he went for my ankles. He's since matured and now treats me with a smidgeon of respect. Do you suppose Gramps will ever grow up? Hope not. grin

Anagram Mon 13-Aug-12 13:48:44

Oh, I'm sure he won't, soop! I'd like to be a fly on the floor, though, when he pretends to pass out (again) and comes face to face with your wellies instead of the objects of his fetish fancy! wink

Ella46 Mon 13-Aug-12 15:54:19

Move over gramps, too much partying last night with The Who. Daren't let them know I really mean WHO?
My knees are black and my tights are in shreds, I've lost an earring and my thong is tying up someones' tomatoes!

Any chance of a cuppa soop? If not a pot noodle will do!

How did I get splinters in that? blush

Anagram Mon 13-Aug-12 16:02:11

How about a nice bowl of tripe and onions, Ella? That'll cure your hangover memory loss!

soop Mon 13-Aug-12 16:03:22

Oh dear me, Ana I worked with a shoe fetishist back in the 50's. I was just a teenager. Had no idea what he was up to when he asked me [over Dairylea-spread rolls in the staff lunchroom] if he could kiss my feet. I remember blushing and replying something along the lines of...'I would feel embarrassed...' He was a pleasant enough young man, though he used to reek of TCP. The things you remember...

Anagram Mon 13-Aug-12 16:05:48

If he wanted to kiss your feet, soop, I'd say his fetish was feet rather than shoes.....wink (Unless, of course, it was just a ruse to get you to take them off so he could have his wicked way with them shock)

soop Mon 13-Aug-12 16:10:13

Ana I wore stilettos in 'those days'. Long time ago. I'm now a Mary-Jane lover. hmm

Anagram Mon 13-Aug-12 16:28:11

Shh! soop (don't worry, your secret's safe with me...)

Ella46 Mon 13-Aug-12 19:06:14

The tripe and onions Ana are covered in hundreds of flies, all waiting to see gramps slobber over soop's ankles!
I've got my memory back now hangover's nearly gone
It was Pete who tied dusters to my hands and knees for some reason! It's the last time I give him a full English shock

Anagram Mon 13-Aug-12 19:11:30

Ella! You are the mysterious 'Fifi!!
Well, I might have known am shocked, I thought you had had it with men, or was that just a confession? grin

Ella46 Mon 13-Aug-12 19:38:53

I most definitely am not Fifi! Honestly! Can't a girl have a bottle or two without being accused of loose morals?

I have had it with men! well most of them only once!

Anagram Mon 13-Aug-12 19:41:39

grin

So who did give Pete the 'Full English' this morning then? confused

Ella46 Mon 13-Aug-12 19:47:35

Look PC Gram, will you just DROP IT!

OK so I tell porkies once in a while, s'not my fault!

Anagram Mon 13-Aug-12 20:17:29

hmm

Pete Mon 13-Aug-12 20:20:04

Fifi prepared the 'Full English' this morning but something was lost in translation.... I did indeed enjoy the roll smile but cheese and hams??? NOT for breakfast thank you.
ella is innocent in all this..although she did turn up on all fours and I did tie dusters to her hands and knees just so the poor sole could get home or back to the bar! grin grin

gramps Mon 13-Aug-12 21:20:49

Dear Ella, Did you forget to add "breakfast" for Pete? hmm

Ohh, if you go to Lil's, make sure not to wear your footwear. Some twit knocked over my huge jar of nuts, and I can't find half of 'em! If they stick to your stockingend or bare feet they are still edible after a quick blow job to remove the flust. ( new word wot I made up - mix of fluff and dust!)
Shoes and boots crush me nuts, makin' 'em useless, unless more tramplin' turns 'em into shoe polish!

I've got two tins of "polish" if anyone can use .em! grin

Anagram Mon 13-Aug-12 21:30:58

Wait 'til you see soop's wellies, gramps - she's wise to your tricks!

gramps Mon 13-Aug-12 21:41:53

Interesting to see what sort of mess wellies make of me nuts?

Me nuts is all counted, so I'll search for missing nuts in Soops bootiful boobs, oooer, I mean - BOOTS!!! blush

Pete Tue 14-Aug-12 12:06:18

Had an early morning visit from the immigration people today and they took Fifi away, they said it was following a "Tip Off". I knew it was too good to be true sad
I'm off to Lils to try and get to the bottom of the "Tip Off" and get pis drown my sorrows.....

Littlenellie Tue 14-Aug-12 12:21:09

Have you any idea pete whose bottom you will be searching,and what clues you will be looking for....Lil wants to know if she is implicated in any way....and would you like her to take over fifi's position until you find another floozy with a feather duster,flashing eyes,and willing ways....you can search her bottom...and how would you like your eggs....she prefers hers unfertilised ......

soop Tue 14-Aug-12 14:07:31

confused hmm shock blush grin Speechless!

Anagram Tue 14-Aug-12 15:35:03

Quite, nellie - we don't want any more 'false alarms' which lead to Lil abdicating her responsibilities and pursuing celebrity status in Poundland...hmm

Littlenellie Tue 14-Aug-12 17:48:43

Lil is a worry and a trial I do wish she would find gainful employment or a very rich husband who would put a stop to her little pecadillosxx

gramps Tue 14-Aug-12 21:15:46

Gramps - mumbling to meself.}

An' then, one o' they gels,sez, she 'opes the ol' bugger don' git old!
She luvly, that'n'. Could warm me bed up any night. Too good fer the likes o' me!

Me gran dorter said to me ,"Gramps, you're looking old! I told 'er , " I might look it on the artside, but still very young on the inside young lady"! .

Better wake meself up an' see wot's 'appenin' to young Pete. 'E's a right ol' card 'n no mistake! grin

Pete Tue 14-Aug-12 22:54:51

nellie Lil could stand in...although she doesn't seem to stand for long! I like my eggs in any form as long as they come with sausages,bacon,tomatoes, toast and tea grin
Lil keeps rolling her eyes at me tonight......I've picked them up and rolled them back to her and she seems contented now. She insists on helping me over Fifi and claims to know nothing about the 'tip off' but I'm not too sure...Oh well, better the devil you know for tonight..

Littlenellie Tue 14-Aug-12 23:26:50

pete Lil needs a good man to put a stop to her shenanigans....is there any chance you would fit the description....and you would live over the shop,*ample bosom* whenever you felt inclined,and no danger of falling off your bike every night as you pedal home...

Pete Wed 15-Aug-12 00:06:43

Sounds a good idea nellie
Yes I fit the description of a 'good man' as you can vouch for... wink but I need time to get over Fifi...and see if anything better comes along grin

Littlenellie Wed 15-Aug-12 07:32:31

I take it that's a NO then grin .....gramps ....don't suppose you fancy the idea of making an honest woman of Lil ....you will have free access to as much ample bosom as you can handle....

soop Wed 15-Aug-12 12:10:11

Pete...Lil's proposition sounds too good to be true. There has to be a catch. Don't be too hasty. Gramps is a lad of the world. Sit down together of a warm pint of ample bosom and pay attention to the nonsense he spouts. Have either of you settled the IOU's yet? Rascals! Scallywags! wink

gramps Wed 15-Aug-12 12:13:41

Thanks for the confidence in me attributes Nell. I've not 'andled "Ample Bosom" for , I don't know when. The last time was when I overbalanced an' nearly suffocated in 'em - two tankards full!
I stopped breevin an' thought I'd gorn ter 'Eaven!! confused
Fancy that Pete refusin; a good position like wot wos offered. 'E never 'eard abaht many a fine tune played on a old fiddle! It were the "fiddle" bit wot got 'im!
Can I 'ave it on a sort of drivin; licence ? Providential, or summat! grin

gramps Wed 15-Aug-12 12:17:25

Got to go an' bring the cows in now - dorters, ood 'ave 'em! hmm

soop Wed 15-Aug-12 12:18:16

gramps...you are as nutty as a fruit cake. Thank goodness! grin

Anagram Wed 15-Aug-12 12:38:03

I notice the elocution lessons have worn off again, gramps! grin
What d'you think, nellie - can he give Lil a trial run? My only concern would be that gramps is quite a fragile old gent, sometimes a bit unsteady on his feet, and Lil is, as you know, a large and formidable lady person, not to be trifled with!

Littlenellie Wed 15-Aug-12 13:26:06

We can let him try cant we * ana* ,could be a match made in heaven,and I think gramps is partial to a bit of trifle now and again..grin

MaggieP Wed 15-Aug-12 14:30:38

Littlenellie, well done I see there have been 548 replies since you started this thread! Is this an all time record? grin

Pete Wed 15-Aug-12 16:27:16

549 grin

soop Wed 15-Aug-12 16:47:28

Heard on the grapevine that Gramps and Lil have a date. Lil's been tarting herself up all afternoon. Caught sight of her in a pseudo leopard-skin leotard...she appeared to be doing some fancy yoga exercises. Had a fag hanging out of the corner of her luscious red lips. Big rollers in her straw-bleached hair. That girl has such class...wonder what fancy manoeuvres she has in mind for unsusecting Gramps wink

Anagram Wed 15-Aug-12 17:03:59

Oh dear....I'm not sure he knows what he's letting himself in for! Lil will eat him for breakfast....er...blush

soop Wed 15-Aug-12 17:10:23

Ana Should we warn Gramps? Nah! Let him deal with what high jinx lie in wait in his own sweet-natured way. Watch this space. This should be fun...grin

Littlenellie Wed 15-Aug-12 18:18:48

A match made In heavan...

Ella46 Wed 15-Aug-12 18:21:04

Ana blush

Anagram Wed 15-Aug-12 18:23:39

Ella, I know! shock
(Fortunately soop and nellie are too innocent to understand....)

Littlenellie Wed 15-Aug-12 18:25:07

smile oh yeah ....

Anagram Wed 15-Aug-12 18:26:41

grin

Ella46 Wed 15-Aug-12 18:27:29

Oh you lot (as soop would say grin ) really make me laugh out loud grin

gramps Thu 16-Aug-12 00:43:00

I thought I just 'eard a inflammatory remark! hmm

gramps Thu 16-Aug-12 00:46:41

Yhem ruddy gels, playin' wiv matches agin. hmm

Ella46 Thu 16-Aug-12 09:05:22

Well gramps you seem to have survived a torrid night with Lil!
Is that lipsick on your collar? And your braces are on back to front!
No wonder you're talking funny!!

gramps Thu 16-Aug-12 13:52:02

Eh. What braces? Oh them - not braces. must be Lil's bra wot got stuck over me 'ead. Might be 'er girdle wot got all of a tangle. Got me left foot caught up in it some'ow! Tried to get the other foot through - thought we wos playing hoky coky, more like hocky cocky! We got worn aht wiv laughin'. She's great fun is Nell - ooops, er, Lil!
Lipst ick , where? Nah, that's not me collar ,soppy date! wink

soop Thu 16-Aug-12 14:01:02

Ella and Ana We all know that nellie is a fully-fledged lay-dee of the night world, but little me wants to share in your joke. What is it that I'm too innocent to know? Go on, do tell...I shan't stop pestering until I have an answer. grin

gramps and why are your socks hanging over your ears? Come to think about it, where is the rest of your clobber? You'll get a deathly chill round the trossacks if you don't take better care of yourself. grin

Ella46 Thu 16-Aug-12 16:01:17

Well soop.........Ana said that Lil would eat (!!!) gramps for breakfast!!!

blush I can't say more or Ana may be chastised by You Know Who Net!

Ella46 Thu 16-Aug-12 16:02:40

I won't mention the lipstick!

Ella46 Thu 16-Aug-12 16:03:43

I'm scared now will I be chastised too

Anagram Thu 16-Aug-12 16:04:45

I don't know what you mean, Ella, it's a well-known phrase or saying.....wink

soop Thu 16-Aug-12 16:58:31

Ella I'm grinning but I still don't get it. Surely I'm not that naive! Must be. Daren't ask you to explain in a PM because it might cause ripples in other quarters. So...in very simple language [pretend I've been eleswhere all my life] just say it as it is. If it's really rude HQ will delete once I've read it.grin

soop Thu 16-Aug-12 18:15:25

Ella I'm waiting [for an explanation]...will log on in the morning and hope to be enlightened. In the meantime, love to all the regulars of Lil's bar. Take care gramps...certain strenuous exercises can give you wicked cramp. wink

jeni Thu 16-Aug-12 18:19:54

I presume she's referring to fellatio!

Ella46 Thu 16-Aug-12 18:20:25

S*d it! I'm Pming!!! grin grin

Anagram Thu 16-Aug-12 18:22:46

Who's he when he's at home then, jeni? confused Some friend of gramps] ?

Ella46 Thu 16-Aug-12 18:24:16

Done it now. Jeni do you want to be in our gang? grin

Pete Thu 16-Aug-12 19:02:28

gramps Take care mate. I think they may try to eat you alive...grin Mind you..come to think about it....

Littlenellie Thu 16-Aug-12 21:07:05

jeni isn't that Lord Nelson's first name ....

Anagram Thu 16-Aug-12 21:09:32

I've heard of Nelson's Column......confused

Littlenellie Thu 16-Aug-12 21:18:18

Of a monumental size...what a waste he said he wanted something to help him get the birds....

Anagram Thu 16-Aug-12 21:40:49

Now he attracts so many he can't fight them off.....

Littlenellie Thu 16-Aug-12 21:54:45

And they often do the dirty on him..

Anagram Thu 16-Aug-12 22:29:25

Brings a new meaning to 'decorated for service to the nation....'

jeni Thu 16-Aug-12 22:42:55

confused

Littlenellie Fri 17-Aug-12 09:22:10

Covered in Glory...

Littlenellie Fri 17-Aug-12 09:28:04

And cost an arm and leg....

Littlenellie Fri 17-Aug-12 09:39:41

Have just suggested to Lil about our own currency in regard to the thread about Bristols currency....she is rather worried as our bar is in cockfosters...

soop Fri 17-Aug-12 11:58:47

Thanks to Ella and jeni I can now claim to be a woman in the know. Some of us really are sort of innocent. It has taken you lot to add something of significance to my sex education. Bravo for the info' grin grin grin

Pete Fri 17-Aug-12 12:17:03

I still dont get it...... grin

Anagram Fri 17-Aug-12 13:31:28

That's because you don't know the right laydees, Pete! wink

soop Fri 17-Aug-12 13:44:02

Thanks for putting Pete right, Ana. Like me, he has much to learn. grin

Anagram Fri 17-Aug-12 13:46:54

Sounds like a match made in heaven, soop! If only you were free.....grin

Pete Fri 17-Aug-12 15:50:01

Just wondering if any 'right laydees ' will be about tonight.... wink

soop Fri 17-Aug-12 16:28:26

If you're prepared to prop up Lil's bar and small talk the regulars, I'm willing to bet that some awfully nice "gel" falls for your considerable charms, Pete. Keep reminding yourself...faint heart never won fair laydee...tra lah de dah! If you need guidance, ask gramps. He reckons he's an alpha male with bells and whistles thrown in for good measure. grin

Pete Fri 17-Aug-12 16:42:36

Thanks soop ...propping up a bar,Lils or otherwise,has never been a problem wink so we will see if your right!
gramps is no use (after his night out with Lil)... I think he has rang his bells and blown his whistles for a while grin

Anagram Fri 17-Aug-12 16:46:07

I fear Lil's voracious appetite proved too much for gramps.....confused

soop Fri 17-Aug-12 16:55:21

Poor love! He had such high hopes when I last saw him heading for Lil's private quarters. Granted, he was in a bit of a mess thereafter. Perhaps Mrs gramps has given him a good scolding. Maybe he's grounded for the next wee while. hmm

Anagram Fri 17-Aug-12 17:04:51

soop, have you seen Lil's private quarters? It's a wonder gramps got out in one piece.....shock

soop Fri 17-Aug-12 17:10:09

Ana Haven't had that privelge. Lil has signs such as PRIVATE/PERSONAL/OUT OF BOUNDS/ DANGER hanging from every doorknob. To trespass, unless one is male, calls for nerves of steel...shock

Littlenellie Fri 17-Aug-12 18:28:46

Lil said" my private quarters" are by invitation only....

soop Fri 17-Aug-12 18:31:50

Oops! meant to type privilege. All of a tizzy. grin

gramps Fri 17-Aug-12 22:03:30

Stenuous excercise Soop -not on our Nellie! I just lie back and think of - - - - wonderful things in the past!! But thanks for your concern dear girl!
(I still think you've got beautiful ankles!) grin blush

gramps Fri 17-Aug-12 22:23:41

I've been resting, as did Gladiators of old ,after a strenouos "engagement"
in the "ring". Does this give a clue to you gels?
I am away for a few days, to a retreat for Retired Gentlemen. Also to lern ;ow ter talk proper like - innit?
Keep it warm for me dear Laydees! (The tripe!)

Anagram Fri 17-Aug-12 22:33:42

I do hope your 'parts' are restored to their former glory after your stay at the clinic Retreat, gramps. It must be very painful......confused

Pete Sat 18-Aug-12 00:05:39

Unbelievable.... Just bumped into gramps He came out of Lil's back door dressed like a Gladiator confused Anyone fancy a night-cap, I have a well stocked bar grin

Littlenellie Sat 18-Aug-12 06:02:56

That wasn't a gladiator outfit,that was Lils best bed sheet,gramps couldn't find his clothes....

soop Sat 18-Aug-12 13:15:51

What I'd like to know is...how is it that gramps can claim to like my ankles? Anyways, the retreat for retired gentlemen sounds awfully iffy. If he turns up wearing Lil's bed sheet [in the wee small hours] he may find himself adopted as the in-house phantom. shock

Anagram Sat 18-Aug-12 13:19:20

Well, if the 'retreat for Retired Gentlemen' is a euphemism for ' Lil's Private Quarters' I don't know who gramps thinks is going to teach him how to speak proper! grin

soop Sat 18-Aug-12 13:26:00

Ana do you mean 'Talk proper-like?' grin

Anagram Sat 18-Aug-12 13:40:18

Yeah - innit? grin

jeni Sat 18-Aug-12 13:45:28

Wot?

soop Sat 18-Aug-12 13:56:03

I know nuffink!

gramps Sat 18-Aug-12 19:27:58

My dear fiends, R U ok?
I got 'ere after a long trip. I'm startin' me electrocution laessons very soon now. Incloods spellin' misteaks an' 'ow to cure them!
This is a 'igh class hestablishment wot I am in. We have indeevidual coaching, like one to one.
The teechers are pretty, good at most facets( new word, see!) of waffle and
twaddle. Keep an eye 0n our Pete 'cos 'e gits lonely around mid-day, and is tempted by Ample Bosom, wot does 'im no good wotsever!
Must now get back to my tutor and study in my study. Cleaners brooms and mop buckets make it a bit cramped like, innit?
grin Back in a few days! wink

soop Sun 19-Aug-12 13:30:50

Gramps grin

Littlenellie Sun 19-Aug-12 14:13:05

Glad you didn't put wish you where heregramps why have they put an old soldier in the broom cupboard,how rude...is * mrsG* with you,or shouldn't we ask...your not looking for fifi are you..

Pete Sun 19-Aug-12 14:40:58

Don't mention Fifi nellie I'm still heartbroken...... Fancy a stroll by the 'old mill' by any chance.... grin

Littlenellie Sun 19-Aug-12 14:50:16

Would do but am playing with my new toy at the moment.....maybe laterwink

jeni Sun 19-Aug-12 14:52:19

Be VERY careful with that new toy nellie I've seen some very nasty injuries from vacuum cleaners in my time!

soop Sun 19-Aug-12 14:52:36

Nellie rushes up to her apartment to change into something more comfortable.Pete takes a leisurely stroll towards the 'old mill.' Whilst he waits, he'll strum on his ukulele...

Pete Sun 19-Aug-12 15:01:35

Never heard it called that before soop mind you, I've had a sheltered life grin

Littlenellie Sun 19-Aug-12 15:11:35

Does many a good tune on an old fiddle have the effect on an old ukulele
Thank you jeni won't be standing on any chairs now I have my new gadget...grin

soop Sun 19-Aug-12 16:58:38

Depends how well-plucked the strings...Nellie

Pete Sun 19-Aug-12 18:53:05

I think the whole thing needs an overhaul and a retune........ hmm

Littlenellie Sun 19-Aug-12 20:14:14

How is your plectrum * pete*...

Pete Sun 19-Aug-12 22:45:53

Not sure nellie well not without a mirror.....

Littlenellie Mon 20-Aug-12 10:34:40

Be careful ....the difference between you and a turkey?.....the turkey got plucked at Christmas. ....grin

Pete Mon 20-Aug-12 11:02:57

And also stuffed.....seems such a long time since I last pulled a cracker or enjoyed a nice juicy bird... grin

Anagram Mon 20-Aug-12 11:06:49

Never mind, Pete, only four months to go!
(Until Christmas, that is....)

Littlenellie Mon 20-Aug-12 11:27:12

Then you can roast your chestnuts pull your cracker,stuff your bird,and see as many stockings as you like.....bah humbug..

Pete Mon 20-Aug-12 11:46:18

Counting the days...... grin

merlotgran Mon 20-Aug-12 16:07:35

Hey Nellie, My DD has just come back from doing Route 66 and if you look on my profile page there's a picture Lil might like to hang above her bar. Cheers! grin

Anagram Mon 20-Aug-12 16:11:55

It's uncanny, merlot....shock

soop Mon 20-Aug-12 16:14:16

Love it, merlot.

Littlenellie Tue 21-Aug-12 00:08:28

Hey what's LIls bar doing on route 66 ....that is exactly in my minds eye,how Lils love shack would be merlot grin

Ella46 Tue 21-Aug-12 10:39:29

That's great merlot Funny but it's just how I imagine Lil's to be too!

Anagram Tue 21-Aug-12 11:22:01

Hmm...I wonder how Lil would feel about adding pizza to the menu? Tripe and onion topping, perhaps?

merlotgran Tue 21-Aug-12 16:51:57

Good business woman, our Lil. Her large beer herb garden is so productive she has had to open a drug store grin wink

Anagram Tue 21-Aug-12 17:05:22

I hear she's making a fortune selling pot plants to the locals....

Pete Tue 21-Aug-12 22:51:43

I wonder if gramps is heading there........

Anagram Tue 21-Aug-12 22:57:53

I think that's what sent him to rehab the Retreat for Retired Gentlemen Pete! (as well you know - all those forages down Lil's back passage to the herb garden were, you must admit, instigated by your good self...) hmm

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 10:39:07

Lil said would you please stop debating wether her back passage was the route to gramps decline after his numerous attempts to find the pleasure gardens,and ultimately Nirvana,now as you know anywhere as moist and damp as a back passage can only produce fungi and Lil said gramps was definitely a funguy,and they both enjoyed feasting on his magic mushroom,and Lil being a big girl was able to provide as mushroom as gramps needed for his experimental ways,the herbs in question are no more than a few manky lavender sachets from mothers drawers to keep you away from her secret garden to which gramps accidentally fell head first into that night,and to stop the cats peeing round her gate.
Lil would like to express she misses her lively old soldier,and his practised methods of marital arts of which he is a black belt once removed,and looks forward to his return so they can order take away pizza...a 12" meat feast is their favourite with an extra portion of mushrooms,a side order of onion rings,and a corn on the cob,delivered by the nice man on the pop pop bike...pete I hear they have a vacancy for a pizza delivery person if you are interested,and they can continue to look through gramps books on the militaria and ,exclaim at the sizes of the weapons of mass destruction,and nuclear warheads,their favourite dads army repeats and his ageing collection of dandy and beans....

soop Wed 22-Aug-12 11:19:11

Littlenellie You're sense of humour is priceless grin

soop Wed 22-Aug-12 11:21:02

I meant to type your not the other...jJust in case the pedants are watching and ready to pounce wink

Anagram Wed 22-Aug-12 11:27:52

I like the idea of gramps having an ageing collection of dandy and beans...grin

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 12:37:49

Yes that was a typo but he could add beans to his armoury,to blow away the enemy and Lils cobwebs that have gathered in the interim..

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 12:41:35

I might add that Lil has remaind faithful so I think it might be a match made in heaven,and an unlikely meeting of body and mind.....

Anagram Wed 22-Aug-12 12:42:06

That's what I thought, nellie. I imagined them fermenting in a corner somewhere, ready to be called to action at any time....

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 12:42:20

We might have to start looking at hats...

Anagram Wed 22-Aug-12 12:44:08

I'm getting confused here! Who has Lil remained faithful to? Is it Pete or gramps? Or both? grin

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 12:45:24

Will just add an extra something to the ambience,and the action,so much so that I think I should be looking at PJ's with go faster stripes,to match gramps gold medal achievments in the horizontal jogging Olympics...

soop Wed 22-Aug-12 12:51:53

...not forgetting Pete's runners-up medal in the duck'n'dive...and that was out of the pool!

soop Wed 22-Aug-12 12:53:05

Fifi won the gold in that event. She hasn't been able to sit comfortably ever since...

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 12:53:23

Oh definitely gramps ,pete is still pining for his exotic fluff buster,fifi ,I suggested the part time pizza delivery vacancy to help him get over this,and comfort and eat all leftovers at the end of his shift,he also gets to ride a state of the art pop pop bike that does 0-20 mph in 10 minutes ensuring your 12" meat feast is cold limp and soggy by the time it arrives,and a red crash helmet....

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 12:56:46

soop did they duck and dive at the same time as is synchronised ducking,or was it more indivual attempts with a cojoining in the middle ending in an explosive finale...grin

soop Wed 22-Aug-12 12:57:50

...the helmet comes in handy when he needs an urgent wee en route...

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 13:01:10

Hope he dosent forget to empty it before putting it back on,but yes it is a multifunctioning helmet,can be used to place a pizza underneath if there is a long journey,like a Swiss army helmet many uses...

soop Wed 22-Aug-12 13:11:56

Littlenellie You've been peeping. Pete performed the basic moves...Fifi added to the spectacle with some jaw-dropping aerobics...after which, they appeared to need assistance from the fire brigade. You know how it is when passion gets too hot to handle.

Pete Wed 22-Aug-12 13:18:12

anagram I only had a 'Brief Encounter' with Lil many months ago....the passage was clear for gramps to become an item with Lil smile
soop have you seen Fifi??!! grin

soop Wed 22-Aug-12 13:23:36

Did you leave her on the station platform, Pete? If so, she's camping in lost property. Do tell me...is she a little firecracker or what...

Pete Wed 22-Aug-12 13:47:45

I've not seen Fifi since that business with immigration... sad
In answer to your question my dear soop Yes she is ! Small and petite with beautiful doe eyes and...... I could go on but I'm filling up now... wink

Anagram Wed 22-Aug-12 13:48:59

The complete opposite of Lil, in fact, then!

gramps Wed 22-Aug-12 13:54:14

Hiya Girls,and Pete,
Just managed to escape from the clutches of my tutor, by putting my hand up and asking to be excused!
The "study" is still in use as a broom cupboard, but I've been offered better accommodation if I agree to stay for another three months - Mrs. G NOT 'appy 'bout that!My dicktion is improving , like also my vocer vuca, vox. - talking like!
Gotta go now. Miss Steely Knickers is coming back!
She's got a heart of ice - fancies "younger" men!! hmm
Byeee.

soop Wed 22-Aug-12 15:33:03

Oh dear, poor Pete...ask Lil if she can recommend a decent escort agency. We girls will help you to sort through the list of hopefulls. I did hear that Frisky Fannie was on the look out for a tall, dark, handsome man [much like yourself].

Anagram Wed 22-Aug-12 15:34:00

She sounds just up your street, Pete!

Pete Wed 22-Aug-12 16:58:21

Not sure about the frisky bit .... grin grin grin

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 22:09:17

Ah pepperami pete Lil thought that you would like the pizza delivery job to help you get over fifi's deflection,you would meet beautiful women of all ages who would be eager for you to rattle their knockers and make a deposit on their doorstep and your 12"meat feast would awaited and welcomed eagerly with open arms,your shiny red helmet would be a symbol for an upright member of the community and a byword for prompt service at all times. .....
ana Lil admits to being a rather voluptuous junoesque.pocket Venus
The fact that she has a cast in one eye and a squint in the other dosent prevent her from being loveable and doe eyed when the occasion arises,she prides her self on being able to see a problem from both angles,and who is creeping up behind her
Now friskie fanny is an old boiler from the docks,she has long passed her sell by date and comes with a government health warning,do not let her get her hands on your 12" meat feast......

Anagram Wed 22-Aug-12 22:25:25

Pete, perhaps Friskie is not the one for you, it sounds as though she's been round the block a few times and has picked up more than an infectious laugh! hmm
I think you should take up Lil's pizza delivery job offer, I can see your 12" meat feast becoming a speciality - it may have to be delivered under plain cover to avoid investigation under the Trades Description Act but as long as you keep your helmet strategically placed you should be OK. You may be required to work long shifts though, depending on the popularity of your wares!

Littlenellie Wed 22-Aug-12 23:13:43

There is the advantage also of having a partner to ride pillion Doorstep Doreen will cover your back and get you out of any tight situations,she will look after your "lean mean delivery machine" whilst it is parked at the kerb,she is also good with a spanner should any repairs need to be carried out on the job,her name originates from her ability to whistle through the letter box to alert customers that she has dumped on their doorstep...

Pete Thu 23-Aug-12 10:54:17

nell and ana I took your advice and did a shift for Lil last night.
Meet "beautiful women" you said.....well everyone of them was a huge slob grabbing at the 12"meat feast as though they hadn't had any for weeks.....(Why 12"? 6-7" would fit in the box much better). After what seemed hours of knocking on doors of what appeared,inside,to be waiting rooms for the Jeremy Kyle show I'd had enough!! Doreen agreed and we went to do the last one. This was an eye-opener for anyone....Bloke dressed in a pink leotard with matching high-heels opened the door and wanted to measure the meat feast..I told him he was taking the pizza and off we went.
So never again will I venture out with a meat-feast, 12" or otherwise, had my fill of the 'Twilight Zone'....

gramps Fri 24-Aug-12 00:45:56

A most goodly day to you all. My Confederates who contribute so knowledgably to this page.
My name is Arthur, the other exubriant half of Marthur and Arthur, who have had knowledge of this page! We have tapes from the VPS , proving malpractice and offering help! (certain conditions apply!)
Gramps will be back shortly now and will attempt to answer your questions then!
Good evening to you all!

Littlenellie Fri 24-Aug-12 09:48:41

confusedwhere is my lovely old soldier,who are these people that have stolen him...we want gramps we want gramps we want gramps....
Lil is heartbroken she met her soulmate in gramps,now she is sitting in the corner a sodden mess with his collection of dads army DVDs and an uneaten 12" meat feast lays festering in the box she treasures the piece that has gramps denture marks imprinted in it a a few clippings from his handlebar moustache which got covered in tomato purée and had to be trimmed,the light has gone out of her life,...

pete why would we settle for half measures just accommodate your box...or can your lean mean delivery machine not provide the goods,.a 12" meat feast is much more satisfying and you get more portions per serving....

soop Fri 24-Aug-12 11:06:04

We need a SCREAMING with laughter thingy...grin grin grin [gringrin

soop Fri 24-Aug-12 11:09:01

Sorry, that should be grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin

Now I'm off to do some serious maintenance of Rory's low-market apartment. Back later for a pint of whatever's on special offer...

gramps Fri 24-Aug-12 15:25:18

Little Nell, Oh little Nell!
No more cry the salty tear,
Your old soldier is close to here,
Take off that tatty beer stained pinny,
I have for you one from Witty Winnie,
Winnie whinnies like a horse,and her manners are rather coarse!
It has a saturated odour, rather like a boggy floater. {er! soggy bloater}
This lovely gift I bring to you, will keep you safe from "you know who"!
My mode of speaking has improved,(unless I say sumfink reely rude!) blush
Oh Nell I'll come with burning passion,
I've got some notes on latest fashion! wink
I'll seek you soon by that old shed.
{Hope they changed that squeaking bed!} hmm

Anagram Fri 24-Aug-12 15:46:46

gramps, you've got the wrong end of the stick again)! It's Lil who's been pining for the feel of your handlebar moustache brushing against her more discreet one, and who hasn't been able to look at a pork scratching since you went into rehab the Retreat!
She won't be pleased if she thinks you've got the hots for nellie. Save yourself while you can, nellie.......confused

soop Fri 24-Aug-12 16:12:19

Ana's right, Gramps. Surely you remember Lil, the buxom lass behind the bar. Hair like hay and lips like a gasping guppy. The very same Lil whose cigarette ash falls into the beer glass after she's polished it with her hanky. Whose dress-sense leaves nothing to the imagination. Of course you remember Lil, the love-light of your life. PS - You're in for a right rollicking if you don't...wink

gramps Fri 24-Aug-12 17:49:36

Just testing!! Only jesting -Lil - of course , I remember her well!
Once seen NEVER forgotten, - but I got you all going. innit? hmm

soop Fri 24-Aug-12 18:30:01

Bet you've been on "the weed" again, Gramps...does strange things to the 'ead! x

Littlenellie Fri 24-Aug-12 18:45:17

You little tinker gramps I will have to get Lil to put you over her knee ,and slap your legs,poor Lil has been distraught.

gramps Fri 24-Aug-12 20:35:34

Soop dear soul,
you've got it right
These tricky meds
give me a fright!
The "weed" it is,
Of that no doubt.
It sometimes feels I'm inside out!
Just now I'm feelin' rather low,
Me poor ol' brain is goin' slow.
Apologies to Nell flowers 'n Lil, flowers
Have sent some flahers to warm the chill!
If they no longer want to know,
I'll pack me bag, 'n orf I'll go!

Anagram Fri 24-Aug-12 20:43:14

What a lovely poem, gramps! I'm sure it'll warm all the ladies' cockles smile

johnl Fri 24-Aug-12 20:59:07

Hi everyone, only joined today,look forward to chatting to you all soon.

jeni Fri 24-Aug-12 21:06:17

Watch yourself with those 'ladies'!
You'll end up in trouble!grin

Littlenellie Fri 24-Aug-12 21:56:45

From Lil and me our cockles are warmed gramps ...I can tell that came from the heart of your bottom..
Welcome john take a seat what can we get you to drink
We have ample bosom a speciality of the house,very pleasing on the eye and full bodied..much like Lil herself
Bishops hat lively and uplifting with a life of its own..
And nuns knickers pale and creamy and silky smooth,and slips down a treat.
I'm sure one of the regulars will over to keep you company...enjoy..

gramps Fri 24-Aug-12 22:33:37

Hi John,
Nice of you to join us , only Pete and me seem to stay on here.
Can I buy you a drink?
Pete and me use iou's for payment,with "vanishing ink" for signing it!
The girls , sorry - Ladies, are very friendly and do like to be treated with respect (at times!)
Take it easy with the "Ample Bosom". very soft and warming, but with a hefty kick.if taken lightly! grin

soop Sat 25-Aug-12 09:27:51

john Big welcome. Boy, have you much to learn about laydees...grin

johnl Sat 25-Aug-12 13:18:49

Hi Soop, many thanks for the welcome. I have many years experience of how to treat ladies, its quite simple really. AGREE with everything they say,show interest in what they are saying, do what they say, buy what they say when they drop hints. agree on their choice of holiday destinations (even if you hate it) SEE i said it was simple.

soop Sat 25-Aug-12 13:32:39

john you sound almost too good to be true. Watch out...Lil lurves men who do as they are told...grin

Anagram Sat 25-Aug-12 13:32:43

I think you may find that the laydees in Lil's establishment are a little harder to please, john! They are certainly not simple....wink

Welcome aboard!

soop Sat 25-Aug-12 13:36:33

Ana Do we wish to leave john alone in the bar? Should we sit either side of him and look after his interests? wink

johnl Sat 25-Aug-12 13:41:43

Hi Gramps whisky and dry would be nice thanks. I will take your advice advice about the ladies. ample bosom sounds nice, but will make sure I dont receive the hefty kick, I HOPE.

Anagram Sat 25-Aug-12 13:49:11

soop I think john may need chaperoning for his first visit - especially if he's going to mix his drinks hmm. We wouldn't want him falling victim to a surfeit of Lil's Ample Bosom before he's even had a chance to risk sample the Nun's Knickers....

johnl Sat 25-Aug-12 13:52:20

Littlenellie many thanks for the info, could I have an ample bosom, followed by large nuns knickers please. my round next. CHEERS.

Anagram Sat 25-Aug-12 14:08:29

Too late, soop - he's already been nobbled! shock

soop Sat 25-Aug-12 15:43:13

Anno Does he realise that he's to put an IOU in the honesty box? Funny thing is, all the IOU's are made out to Lil and there's no mention of cash...just matters known as "favours"...

Annobel Sat 25-Aug-12 16:13:45

Think you mean Anagram, soop. Maybe I'll change my name and give you all a guessing game. grin

soop Sat 25-Aug-12 17:12:07

Anno blush I blame the 100% Russian vodka!

Anagram Sat 25-Aug-12 17:15:14

soop! You do know Lil makes that herself in the back room, don't you? She mainly uses it for clearing the drains and soaking her teeth in....

Littlenellie Sat 25-Aug-12 17:42:47

Lil says its not vodka it is poteen,a d she makes it from all the old vegetable peelings,she has a still in the corner of the old coal cupboard,and tops it up with cillit bang,it comes in handy for soaking socks and underwear that have a few unmentionable stains,and adds extra flavour,she dosent mind the favours she is saving them up for the word that must be mentioned this early party,and will use them for charades.with regard to the silly season Lil has decided to buy a huge old turkey to keep in the yard and a goose,she has started to fatten them up,and will give them daily tots of poteen to keep them happy,she has called the goose Gerald ,for no particular reason,than she likes the name,the turkey is called paxo,for obvious reasons.

Anagram Sat 25-Aug-12 17:57:21

Yes, of course, she haggled for him with that bloke off Newsnight, didn't she? Got him down as far as she could, and then when he was on all fours just made off with the turkey.
I don't know how soop got her hands on that 'vodka', but I think someone had better keep an eye on her in future - can't have her draining the bar's resources like that! hmm

soop Sat 25-Aug-12 18:00:24

Littlenellie Wish you were joining us tomorrow - 'though I know for sure that we'd all get the heevo as soon as you started to make us laugh. As for the poteen it makes the eyeballs turn bloodshot pink and the hair stand on end...not a good look for any laydee sat sitting at the bar! Look after yourself and tell Lil to treat john with respect [for the first half hour] after which, she'll no doubt teach him a few tricks...grin

Littlenellie Sat 25-Aug-12 18:12:09

anagram we visited a well known ' just bootiful' farm that is a short way from where Nellie lives after all she is in Norfolk,
soop wish I could join you tomorrow,but Lil needs someone to help muck out the livestock and top up the poteen ,I am sad that it is so far away ,,,but maybe one day,and I never get thrown out of places,just asked not to return grin hoping you all have a wonderful time am envy ,it is also my day for changing Lils corn plasters and paying attention to the hard skin that accumulates on her heels through wearing sling backs....

gramps Sat 25-Aug-12 23:31:06

Bet that Paxo the turkey never told Lil to "get stuffed" or other fowl language!

grin

soop Mon 27-Aug-12 17:08:55

gramps Know what... I think that you're getting cleverer and cleverer...wink

gramps Tue 28-Aug-12 17:36:27

Dear Soop,
Thank you for your kind words.
You are so observent I'm so happy now, as it has not been brought to my attention, till now! It must be my electrocution lessons!

NO, this is NOT intended as sarcasm!!
(smile)
I.ve just added a couple of bits to the Spiritual page. Hope you like them.

Pete Thu 30-Aug-12 20:26:54

People say Lil is looking a complete mess since gramps dumped her....I don't see any difference myself... grin

Littlenellie Fri 31-Aug-12 09:23:01

That is not a mess pete that is a contrived bed head look which is meant to convey rampant sexual activity,Lil says she dosent have to convey that as it is a fact she is very active in that department and she can't find her comb,Lil and gramps are still an item and Lil thinks gramps has pinched her comb to straighten his handle bar moustache and his eyebrows he is becoming very metrosexual these days,she even caught him applying handcream so that he should not scratch Lils delicate skin.
Lil thinks you sound lonely sat at the bar waiting for us to appear,we are sorry that we have been neglecting you,have a drink on the house,don't bother putting an IOU in the box and we shall be down to join you shortly,
Nellie has had a makeover,she is now a goddess......

gramps Fri 31-Aug-12 23:32:41

PETE mate, I thought you had dropped off the edge of this flat earth, wot we all know is true, innit?
Who've you bin shacked up wiv?? Er, I mean, where have you been residing my dear fellow? So pleased to reaquaint your friendship! (Is the Bar still open? - meet ya there then!) grin

Pete Sat 01-Sep-12 00:50:41

The bar, like the 'Windmill', never closes gramps grin
I've been enjoying some peace and quiet at my riverside retreat with only myself (and the slim blonde from Bargin Booze) for company.... thought you had fled abroad to avoid your 'bar bill'...!!

gramps Sat 01-Sep-12 08:36:21

Oh buggerit!! Just spilt me drink on the table. Mssed keyboard by 1/2 inch!
Be careful of any blondes from Bargain Booze - they are only there for the advertising PUBlicity! DON'T sign anyfink! Souds like wot as if you're onto a winner, if you play your cards right mate!!
I got involved wiv a big sheNANNIgans going on in a posh bit of tahn. Cor, can't them gels argue - I only said a few words, but I think they got lorst in the din!
Got to go back and find me flippin' bike now, She said she would wait!! grin wink
Seeya around Pete!

Ella46 Sat 01-Sep-12 08:47:45

gramps I really don't think Lil would like to hear you calling her your 'bike'!
Best mind your language, in every sense !!

Littlenellie Sat 01-Sep-12 09:13:04

Lil says she is not a bike,but a vehicle of delight,whose cushioned contours offer a smooth and effortless ride,she has two speeds,dead slow and stop,a holder for your drinks bottle and a recepticle at the front for putting your bits and bobs,she is of a lightweight material but very sturdy when that thrust of power is needed,sleek and a delight to ride with the added of advantage of a little bell to let you know she is coming,she has twin headlights that glow in the dark,and a cute little reflector behind,in fact most men like to view and reflect ' er behind...
Nell is more like the workhorse type of bike known as a sit up and beg variety the type favoured by miss marble in fact Nell resembles miss marple ,she has twin saddle bags her headlights need adjusting as they are quite dim and shine downwards,she is difficult to ride but when she builds up steam and gets going she can cruise along quite nicely,her little bell dosent tinkle very often,she dosent have a cute little reflector,more of a fog lamp that can be seen from a distance her foghorn has been known to emit a few parps as she struggles with the effort.........where's my mate soop gonexxxx

gramps Sat 01-Sep-12 14:13:43

Sorry to offend Ella.
My sincere apologies to all Ladies whom I have upset!
No offence intended! blush

Littlenellie Sat 01-Sep-12 17:49:31

none taken * gramps* xx

Ella46 Sat 01-Sep-12 18:55:29

gramps you are such a love wink

Anagram Sat 01-Sep-12 18:59:00

Yes indeed! (and can be a bit of an old devil at times, too! grin )

Littlenellie Sat 01-Sep-12 19:21:44

An officer and a gentleman,a prince among men,you are a truly lovely man grampsxxxcan see why Lil fell for you wink

Pete Sat 01-Sep-12 22:34:03

Well played gramps grin . Nellie as the nights are drawing in would you like me to check your headlights.... wink

soop Wed 05-Sep-12 13:37:45

'Ello, 'ello,'ello...this is an historic moment. Have been without a phone and computer for almost a week [due to bad storm] and I've missed you lot something awful. I can now confirm that absence [from GN] certainly makes the heart grow fonder. So, who's buying the drinks? Does Lil still allow IOU's? If so, next round is on me. Can't begin to tell you how happy I am to be back. grin

Anagram Wed 05-Sep-12 13:46:14

Very glad to see you back, too, soop!
nellie has been fretting....she should be around here somewhere! grin

soop Wed 05-Sep-12 13:58:52

Thanks, Ana It's been awfully lonesome without you all. flag

Littlenellie Wed 05-Sep-12 14:09:44

Hey soop Lil said the milky bars are on her....help yourself....good to have you back,thought you had run away with grampssunshine

soop Wed 05-Sep-12 14:42:41

grin Nellie I've my hands full with Mr soop.

Ella46 Wed 05-Sep-12 14:55:24

Hiya soop mine's a large one! G&T I mean! wink
Soooo glad you're back, we've really needed a calming voice while you've been absent.

Littlenellie Wed 05-Sep-12 14:57:09

Lucky you soop wink

soop Wed 05-Sep-12 15:26:25

grin

gramps Wed 05-Sep-12 22:05:14

Soopy dear gel, where you bin? We sure missed you. (and those ankles - or was that another young Lady?
My memory is not good these days!)

Nice to have you back!

Sshhhh! I still have your garter. er, it is yours, er,erm? confused

soop Thu 06-Sep-12 14:42:18

gramps shock So, you've been sneeking surreptitious glances at another's pair of pretty ankles? What are you like! Here I was, well and truly marooned, thanks to a violent storm that flooded our village and knocked out our phone-line, without the means to pop into Lil's for a longed for G&T and a cosy chat with a few of my mates in the decent enough snug... and you were up to 'anky panky in the games room...as for the garter, that sounds suspiciously like something that Lil would have lost doing her yoga exercises. She can raise her leg up so high, it finishes wrapped around her neck. Super-human, that gel! wink

gramps Thu 06-Sep-12 16:03:38

Tell me about it -- I was mesmerized!!

Lucky for her I was snooping around. She was stuck on one leg doing pirouettes in ever decreasing circles. She might have disappeared if I hadn't caught her and spun her in reverse!
Talk about "the giddy limit"! grin

Anagram Thu 06-Sep-12 16:07:43

Ooh, gramps! It's ages since I've heard that phrase - 'the giddy limit'!
Wonderful...grin

soop Thu 06-Sep-12 16:20:55

Ana...Gramps is a poet [among other things!]

gramps Thu 06-Sep-12 17:42:49

Are we both of the same decade then Ana? (or is it more "decayed"?)

I would never ask a Ladeey her true age. It is ungentlemany, and asking for a downright lie anyway. (plus a possible "punch up the 'ooter!") wink

Ella46 Thu 06-Sep-12 17:45:51

Oooh Gramps I think it might be a 'punch up the'ooter' as our Ana is just a slip of a girl! grin

Littlenellie Thu 06-Sep-12 18:16:49

but ana is awash with sucess she has won a prize she may forgive you anything gramps

Anagram Thu 06-Sep-12 18:19:36

Well, not quite anything, soop! grin
But no, gramps, I think I'm remembering my granny saying it....

soop Thu 06-Sep-12 18:20:56

Beware of Ana with her super-suction hoover attachment...you might lose something of significance, Gramps shock blush

Anagram Thu 06-Sep-12 18:22:00

First to go will be that stick-on handlebar moustache.....[evil grin]

soop Thu 06-Sep-12 18:28:49

Ooer! Ana's on the rampage. Take cover under the billiard table, Gramps...I shall call by tomorrow to check on your credentials. grin

Littlenellie Thu 06-Sep-12 22:25:52

ana can recommend the pet hair attachment to rid gramps of his moustaches .. Evil grin ..sorry [ gramps]. Xxx

gramps Thu 06-Sep-12 23:34:57

OH, now I'm all of a quiver,
Something to do with the liver.
Credentials are fine,
Yes, they really are mine,
I bathe them each night in the river! blush

Littlenellie Fri 07-Sep-12 08:34:26

gramps. grin sunshine

gramps Fri 07-Sep-12 11:09:44

Well, What else do you want for your money?!! grin flowers

Littlenellie Fri 07-Sep-12 11:12:17

Nothing you are lovely as you are gramps sunshine

soop Fri 07-Sep-12 12:55:44

Ditto [gramps]...you are great fun. grin

gramps Fri 07-Sep-12 16:29:06

Thank you my dear Lady fans,
For this thread I am altering my plans,
I've more things to do - that really is true.
I'm learning how to use this machine - no hands!

soop Fri 07-Sep-12 16:38:59

gramps!!! You tinker boots! grin

Anagram Fri 07-Sep-12 16:55:41

The mind boggles....confused

Ella46 Fri 07-Sep-12 17:04:16

soop I think you are a naughty influence on gramps ! wink

soop Fri 07-Sep-12 17:07:31

Ella ...I was imagining gramps typing away with use of his toes...grin

Anagram Fri 07-Sep-12 17:08:26

Phew!

soop Fri 07-Sep-12 17:11:01

Ana Sorry if I flustered you. wink

Anagram Fri 07-Sep-12 17:26:44

grin I think I flustered myself, soop! blush

gramps Sat 08-Sep-12 00:28:36

I'm learning to use my Dragon. It is a lot more intelligent than I am!
AND - It has finished its electrocution lessons!

Oldjohn Sat 08-Sep-12 00:36:28

Can I borrow your dragon . I need a light for my cigar.

Littlenellie Sat 08-Sep-12 09:16:00

gramps and oldjohn glad you have met....Lil will be pleased ..

gramps my other half has used dragon as his is severely dyslexic,with some strange results,it dosent always detect regional accents,and if your accent is like mine..cockney and OH Essex the results are hilarious,when he was doing his course work for college he gave up with it,it was easier to give the work to me to type

Hmm could imagine Lil saying " is that a dragon in your pocket, or just a lot of loose change" wink

gramps Sat 08-Sep-12 09:59:36

Oh Lil,
I'm almost a cockney, born in St. Thomas' Hospital.
Mrs. G lived in East Ham. Near Upton Park. Weat Ham team home!
I lived in Kennington, other side of main road to Lambeth Walk!

No wonder we get on so well! flowers

Me loose change has slipped through the hole in my pocket. It's that Confucious' fault - too big hands!

soop Sat 08-Sep-12 13:30:31

gramps is it too much to expect that you'll not lead dear Oldjohn into bad habits? Thought not...grin

Ella46 Sat 08-Sep-12 15:03:43

Please will someone tell me what a dragon is? I'm agog!

Has anyone seen Pete this week, he seems to have sloped off , and I fear that Lil may have him tied up somewhere for her own amusement?!
The cellar door is either locked or Lil's jammed it shut with her liberty bodice again!

Anagram Sat 08-Sep-12 15:49:30

I'm determined not to Google dragon! I want to continue to imagine it as a rather stern creature who is not only doing gramps' typing for him, but also giving him (strict) elocution lesson! grin

soop Sat 08-Sep-12 15:53:08

I love popping into this bar...always assured of a chuckle. Better than any tonic. grin

gramps Sat 08-Sep-12 18:44:36

My Dragon is gradually getting used to me, but keeps adding words that I didn't say!
Of course he is still very young!
He picks up things from the "telly" too, so we have to be carefull what we let him hear!!

gramps Sat 08-Sep-12 18:51:11

Hi there Oldjohn. Nice to have you aboard.
Of course, you realise that you have to be a bit zany to last on here!
Treat the girls, er, sorry, Ladeeys with charm and respect - it gives 'em a thrill. They don't always get it at home, poor dears, so we try to make it up for them - if you get my drift!

Anagram Sat 08-Sep-12 19:01:01

Watch it gramps! None of your chauvinistic ways in here, thank you! hmm

Anagram Sat 08-Sep-12 19:01:46

We may have to send Lil round to 'have a word'.....grin

Ella46 Sat 08-Sep-12 19:10:08

gramps I never get it at home!! grin

Ella46 Sat 08-Sep-12 19:14:44

I've googled it now! gramps are you Stephen Hawking really?

Anagram Sat 08-Sep-12 19:15:36

Too much information, Ella! You don't want to give 'em ideas....wink

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 19:32:26

Chauvinistic, what a an old fashioned word , thought it went out with the 80"s, still depends on one"s mind set ! smile

Oldjohn Sat 08-Sep-12 19:51:52

A huge thank you to all for welcoming me to your forum.

Anagram Sat 08-Sep-12 19:57:54

Ooh! Nonu! I think you'll find it's still used these days, when warranted.

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 20:03:57

As in male chauvinistic pig , very eighties one has to move forward , can"t stay mired in the past !

Ella46 Sat 08-Sep-12 20:10:58

Oldjohn Just make sure you don't fall over too often in here!
You do seem to be a bit of a lush rather fond of a tipple or two,and Pete and gramps will lead you astray if they can!
grin

Anagram Sat 08-Sep-12 20:18:03

What are you on about Nonu?

Ella you're right, Pete has been missing for a while now and it's not like him to pass up on Eighties Night at Lil's! Have you checked the back passage? hmm

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 20:28:04

only 3 more sleeps

Being mired in the eighties , one has to move on , it is now 2012 anagram

Anagram Sat 08-Sep-12 20:43:47

Oh, how could we forget.....hope your holiday puts you in a better mood, Nonu.

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 21:02:51

Thats good u don"t forget , when is your next holiday ? me i am in an excellent frame of mind , why wouldn"t i be ?? smile

Anagram Sat 08-Sep-12 21:13:41

Oh, goodness, I have so many holidays I can't keep track - I might even be on one now! It's all go, isn't it?

smile

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 21:18:43

So fascinating, so your are not sure whether you are on holiday or not, interesting .

Anagram Sat 08-Sep-12 21:21:53

I'm so glad you think I'm fascinating and interesting!

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 21:28:21

Oh really is that what you really think i believe , bless .

gramps Sat 08-Sep-12 21:50:56

US, OAP's or rather - Very Senior Citizens, don't qualify for Bank Holidays!
I ask you, is that fair?

Join my campagne. Equal rights for VSC for Bank Hols!

Enjoy your holiday Nonu. Come back brown,but not overdone! smile

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 22:10:50

Thank you gramps , you are a honey , I will raise a glass for you ,

Littlenellie Sat 08-Sep-12 22:18:06

gramps I grew up in Barking and worked opposite west ham football ground in Green street and worked in Boots the chemist on the corner of Harold road what a small world...we used to board up the windows when they where playing at home especially with Man U. ....say hello to puff for me...he's a magic dragon[Grin]

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 22:20:42

nellie we lived down the road from you at Upminster , as u say , small world

Littlenellie Sat 08-Sep-12 22:23:29

Was born in Romford nonu am a true Essex girl,passed my driving test in up minster.

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 22:30:58

nELLIE I have lived in many places , but hand on heart , Essex , was my total favourite , the people were Soooo warm hearted , they would give u a £ before they would take one off u , I live here now in Suffolk , but I would go back there if I could but I can"t . such is life. ! ps you must remember the Lovely "Roomes Store x

Littlenellie Sat 08-Sep-12 22:35:05

Don't remember the Roomes store where was that nonu x

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 22:41:27

Roomes Stores was in Upminster , at the end of the district line and British Rail {as it was called in those days } beyond Barking .

Littlenellie Sat 08-Sep-12 22:50:37

That's probably why I don't know it nonu my stamping ground tended to be further east,did you ever go to the room at the top in Ilford or Ilford palais
/tiffanys.
as you live in Suffolk do you ever listen Rws radio Suffolk in the mornings(broadcastI believe from Bury st Edmonds) ...have a reason for askingxx

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 23:02:38

Nellie , no I didn"t because by the time I got to Upminster I was married witth 3 children , so my my days at the local Palais were long over.

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 23:04:26

ps I don"t really listen to radio Suffolk , why do u ask ?

Littlenellie Sat 08-Sep-12 23:07:32

That's a shame ...
My ex no I is aDJ on the radio station,and has his ugly mug emblazoned all over the buses that are from that area...wondered if you was into cheesy grin

Nonu Sat 08-Sep-12 23:11:49

I love cheesy , big time ! and on that note I will bid you you goodnight, himself has just texted and said he not far away , sweet dreams x

Littlenellie Sat 08-Sep-12 23:15:26

And you nonu up early to collect little legs tomorrow .....have really missed her smile sunshine

Pete Sun 09-Sep-12 22:57:38

Lil...Line up your ample bosom as I'm more than ready grin
You won't believe what I've been through to get here.... Ana and Ella the drinks are on me...see you in the back room and I'll tell you all about it grin
Ella I will make sure you get home ok...(eventually) !! grin

Littlenellie Mon 10-Sep-12 08:05:58

There you go pete one for now and one for Ron..(lateron) one pair of amplebosoms on the bar,have you been on holiday,or anywhere exotic,perhaps you would like to share your adventures with the rest of the bar....did you bring any pressies for us...is that a stick of rock in your pocket grin

Ella46 Mon 10-Sep-12 08:54:33

Glad to see you back Pete, as gramps has been so bored he's been playing with his dragon, and he needs some company.

You've got a new chum, who likes a few scoops, Oldjohn, and I think he'll love Lil's Ample Bosom.

See you later in the back room, make mine a large one please, and tell us what you've been up to!

soop Mon 10-Sep-12 13:23:49

Pete...where have you been? Gramps has been rampaging around Lil's all on his lonesome. Do hope that he hasn't done himself a mischief. That dragon of his has a mind of it's own. Ella is now all too familiar with it. She tells me that it pops up at the most inopportune moments. shock Almost too hot to handle! Oldjohn has been busy learning new tricks in the billiards room. Lil doesn't seem to give a hoot. Although she doesn't have as much as a fake farthing in the till, the honesty box continues to overflow with tacky IOUs and old bus tickets. grin

Pete Tue 11-Sep-12 12:53:58

Cheers littlenell they went down a treat and no rock sorry...just pleased to see you wink
As my mate Ella already knows I've been busy trying to arrange a 'Benefit Night' for Lil I'm finding it very hard at the moment-but will keep at it.!
Hiya Soop your looking well...must be all the dancing around the telly after the tennis smile
Oldjohn is welcome...but not Oldbill..... Not with gramps 'chasing the dragon' around the herb garden. grin

soop Tue 11-Sep-12 15:01:16

Pete It's grand to have you back. I'm intrigued by the Benefit Night for Lil...do you have a theme in mind, or is it going to be a free-for-all-frolic grin

Ella46 Tue 11-Sep-12 15:18:13

I personally think that Lil has had enough benefit nights already! It seems Pete, that all the men who have organised them have found it hard too!
However I don't want to appear jealous churlish so I will say no more!

soop Tue 11-Sep-12 15:37:00

Ella Fair's fair...I shall do my best to get you on to the next "to do" list.

Littlenellie Tue 11-Sep-12 15:48:13

What I think pete means is Lil gets the benefit ......of petes experience grin

soop Tue 11-Sep-12 15:54:40

Littlenellie thanks for putting us in the picture. Whilst I'm here, I'll have a double wee dram. Need to drink a toast to that champion, Andy Murray. flag

Littlenellie Tue 11-Sep-12 16:00:14

Too Andy Murray wine ..
Just a quick one soop sit your self down,I will get them,what do you think that rascal pete is cooking up,ages since we have had a quiet chat in here ....isn't this nice and cosyxxx

soop Tue 11-Sep-12 16:08:39

Yep! It certainly is good to share a quiet drink in the snug with you for company. That rascal Pete is a real sweetie. Have you noticed how thoughtful he is when in the company of a laydee? His manners are tip top. It's all please and thankyou and can I interest you in a little something or other. Can't deny that he has a way with the gels. grin

Ella46 Tue 11-Sep-12 16:14:56

Hi girls, I might just have a coffee and a small brandy with you both, I need to recover from my dgd.
Thanks for looking out for me soop, I could really do with a benefit night or two.

soop Tue 11-Sep-12 16:25:34

Cheers, Ella lovely of you to join us. It's good to sit in this quiet corner of the snug. You deserve a brandy with your coffee. I took the liberty of lighting the fire. A fire makes a big difference to the ambiance. I'm not sure, but I think that amongst the firelighters and kindling, I spied that tatty old fake beard that gramps used try to wear as a sporran. Remember how it used to hang so close to the ground that it would trip him up? Too late now...it's gone up in a big puff of smoke.

Littlenellie Tue 11-Sep-12 16:26:12

soop yes the something is ok ...it's the other that I am worried about grin
hi ella is that a small or a large brandy...shall I get it for you..

soop Tue 11-Sep-12 16:45:09

Anyone fancy a bag of chips? The van is parked outside. Something to eat is what we need. I note that there's a line of drinks on the bar. Pete popped his head round the door and said that, as there's now room in the honesty box...it had to emptied because it was over full, he's treating us to a round [on him]...which means Lil still hasn't a single coin in the till.

ladymo Tue 11-Sep-12 16:56:35

My what a beautiful cosy fire. A nice brandy and coke would warm me inners girls.

Littlenellie Tue 11-Sep-12 17:00:03

Come in ladymo one brandy and coke coming up,haven't had the pleasure of speaking with you before.,I am Lils sister Nellie come and join us around the fire.

soop Tue 11-Sep-12 17:08:22

Hello ladymo it's nice to meet you. The snug is strictly for we gels. As you'll appreciate, we tend to be more refined than the gang of chaps propping up the bar. Mind you, when they disappear into the games room, we're all wondering what it is that keeps them guffawing with laughter. Best not venture through those doors. No telling when we'd see you again. grin

phoenix Tue 11-Sep-12 17:22:10

I take that this is a virtual bar, please can I have a super large scotch and soda, as I feel in great need!

soop Tue 11-Sep-12 18:16:16

Coming up phoenix Pleased to have your company. You sound as if you've had a tough day. There's always a warm welcome and a jolly atmosphere here in the snug. The men folk can be a tad trying...but they are good hearted with it. Lil knows how to handle them. Enjoy a relaxing evening. I'm off now as I've a few jobs waiting to be done. Seem to have spent rather a long time in the snug. It's always such a pleasure to drop in for a wee while. I shall return tomororrow. Cheers to you all. wine grin

Ella46 Tue 11-Sep-12 19:19:22

Cheers soop, and hello ladymo, as my mum used to say, while you're in this den of iniquity cosy bar,"Keep yer 'and on yer 'alfpenny" and you won't go wrong!

phoenix I hope you feel a bit more chilled after that very large drink?
Just watch out for the 'boys'! grin

phoenix Tue 11-Sep-12 19:27:11

Ella , it hit the spot a treat. Tempted to have another, and another and another, but have to attend to my "boys", as they are playing up.

gramps Tue 11-Sep-12 22:54:46

Good day me Ladeeys. I hope you are all in the pink - so to speak!
I'm looking for Pete. Have you lovely beauties seen him?
Hello Ladymo and Phoenix. Very pleased to make your aquaintence. I haven't had the plesure till now. (but I'm looking forward to it!)

Allow me to buy you both a drink. wine wine

Littlenellie Wed 12-Sep-12 09:48:29

gramps Lil said her cockney dad always used to say "ello gel 'owsyerbellyofferspots"
How's the dragon he seems to be behaving today...have you seen peteand oldjohn aboutxx

soop Wed 12-Sep-12 11:27:11

Littlenellie Surely they're not ensconced in the cellar. If so, which of the regular laydees are missing? shock hmm grin

Ella46 Wed 12-Sep-12 16:10:03

Don't look at me.... I've been exercising and drinking coffee wink

Not seen Ana for a while though! hmm

soop Wed 12-Sep-12 16:12:48

Ella I didn't like to mention Ana in the same breath as "chaps in the cellar"...but, I do have my suspicions. grin

Ella46 Wed 12-Sep-12 16:22:46

soop Say no more [nudge] [nudge] wink wink

soop Wed 12-Sep-12 16:30:08

Ella The next time you go exercising and drinking coffee, remember to put your dress on with the zip at the back and your shoes on the right feet. Appears you dressed in a frantic hurry. grin

Ella46 Wed 12-Sep-12 16:36:16

soop confused

Anagram Wed 12-Sep-12 17:12:12

Bet you wish you'd kept those combinations now, Ella! wink
Twas not me in the cellar with those disreputables - I have been hosing down the beer mats and boiling the dishcloth....think Lil might have to invest in a new one, it's more holes than cloth!

Pete Wed 12-Sep-12 19:20:04

Well ! thats what I call a 'work out' ella grin

Ella46 Wed 12-Sep-12 19:52:46

blush blush Oh I thought you were a gentleman Pete!

Anagram Wed 12-Sep-12 20:20:03

Serves you right for casting nasturtiums on me, Ella! grin

Pete Wed 12-Sep-12 22:01:19

ella flowers
I'm giving up on Lil's benefit night...think the only thing she would benefit from is a bus full of sailors turning up. wink
More beer for gramps please nell and a round for the laydees, large one for ana grin

Ella46 Wed 12-Sep-12 22:07:13

Watch out Ana, he's coming after you now! hmm I could have worded that better, but maybe not!

gramps Wed 12-Sep-12 22:11:45

Hi Nell. Yes. It's a well known saying, although it's not used so much now - the youngsters have a different lingo. When we were young our parents used to talk in"back slang" if they were talking and keeping us out of it!

Pete Wed 12-Sep-12 22:18:56

Always try to oblige grin

Anagram Wed 12-Sep-12 22:22:49

grin

gramps Wed 12-Sep-12 23:17:07

I can't find my tankard. Where's me beer Pete?
I think I frighted off Phoenix and that other gel, Ladymo! I'm 'armless really. The spirit's willing - but the flesh is weak!
It's a good reputation goes before me! grin

Pete Thu 13-Sep-12 10:01:26

Brand new tankard waiting for you behind the bar gramps
Your new laydees will be back when they're thirsty and realize your not only 'armless but legless half the time!!
I'm off to try a little gentle exercise..... grin

Littlenellie Thu 13-Sep-12 12:01:22

pete what's happened to Lils benefit night or did you mean you wanted to be friends with benefits grin

soop Thu 13-Sep-12 12:16:45

Ella remember please, that we nosy laydees are here when you wish to divulge a few secrets of a sensitive nature. Pete and gramps and Old john [where's he, by the way?] have been up to a lot of nudge-nudge wink-winking since you've started your exercise routine. Rumour has it that you are the lads' latest pin-up girl. Meet you for a nice cup of coffee and you can spill the beans...grin

Littlenellie Thu 13-Sep-12 12:19:33

Oh dear please tell me petes exercise routine isn't horizontal jogging grin

soop Thu 13-Sep-12 12:21:33

grin grin grin...wanna bet!

gramps Thu 13-Sep-12 13:28:07

I shall make myself the official photogapher for taking photos of the excercises in Ella's jim er. Gim. Er , no, Gym
Anybody lend me a camera?
I'd like to entice, er, invite, soop into my darkroom, but she gave the answer in the negative! She thought something might develop! grin

soop Thu 13-Sep-12 13:48:01

gramps you have a way with words. As for entering your darkroom...have I mentioned that I'm scotophobic? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. There's safety in numbers...we laydees must stick together in the snug. grin

Pete Thu 13-Sep-12 14:04:50

Best of luck with that gramps !
Ella please take no notice of 'certain people' and we can carry on getting/ remaining fit together...its so much better with two wink
nellie I have a full and complete exercise routine and if ella pulls something your more than welcome to join me for a workout grin

soop Thu 13-Sep-12 14:08:25

Nellie's not going to like playing second fiddle, Pete...better watch out. A woman scorned and all that! shock

Littlenellie Thu 13-Sep-12 14:24:27

Perhaps a good tune is played on a second fiddle soop grin
Nah you 're alrite thanks pete,I am going to bring my toy boy with me,....wink

Pete Thu 13-Sep-12 16:04:01

Nice one nellie envy
Another pint lil please.....

Ella46 Thu 13-Sep-12 16:17:11

Excuse me but I won't be pulling anything!!
I think soop is just using me as a red herring to distract us away from herself and gramps and I resent all these nasturtiums!

I shall be absenting myself from this den this weekend as I am appearing on "Strictly" on Saturday night and I need to practise the splits!

Littlenellie Thu 13-Sep-12 16:22:22

Wonder if pete likes a bit of ballroom....

soop Thu 13-Sep-12 16:30:18

I think that he's better equipped for the fandango grin

Littlenellie Thu 13-Sep-12 16:35:06

Possibly a rose between the teeth and a Tango..

Littlenellie Thu 13-Sep-12 16:36:24

Perhaps we could form our own formation dance team from lilsgrin

Littlenellie Thu 13-Sep-12 16:38:03

ella you're not johnny Ball are yougrin

soop Thu 13-Sep-12 16:47:01

Better duck, Nellie Our loveable Ella sounds fiesty. Is it she who plays a mean banjo? Or, is she a whiz with the castanets?

And...may I add, I shouldn't be here. Haven't sorted a job that I meant to tackle immediately after breakfast. Is there an antidote to this forum? wink

Anagram Thu 13-Sep-12 16:55:25

I am not going to hazard a guess as to which Strictly contestant Ella is, but I don't think it's Johnny Ball! grin Ella's not that old, soop!

Anagram Thu 13-Sep-12 16:56:08

Sorry, that should have been to nellie.....

soop Thu 13-Sep-12 16:59:35

Ella's a pretty wee lassie...

Ella46 Thu 13-Sep-12 16:59:49

(Can't stop laughing when I read this thread!)

NO! I am not Johnnie Ball! I am Jerry Hall of course! good grief, are you all blind?

Anyway, I think Pete's past it, I've seen his reverse turn!

Littlenellie Thu 13-Sep-12 17:07:34

And his kick ball change..sorry johnny er I mean jerry.. grin

soop Thu 13-Sep-12 17:16:40

grin x 10

Pete Thu 13-Sep-12 20:25:18

I just give up....another pint lil and your own.....past it indeed..... shock

Littlenellie Thu 13-Sep-12 21:22:04

Argentine tango anyone..?

Ella46 Thu 13-Sep-12 21:37:02

No one said it was easy Pete! grin And neither am I !

Pete Thu 13-Sep-12 22:38:14

I know Ella ...your certainly hard work.... Pint for me Lil and another top up for Ella and all the others in the snug....past it indeed! grin

Ella46 Thu 13-Sep-12 23:03:23

Ok Pete, thanks for the drink, I've calmed down now!
I can't stay for another as I've got 4 yards of sequins to sew on my knickers, and my feather plume won't stay up!

Anagram Thu 13-Sep-12 23:06:53

Stay up where? shock

Pete Thu 13-Sep-12 23:31:34

The mind boggles ana ..... I blame soop, anyone for bar billiards grin

Ella46 Fri 14-Sep-12 07:24:33

Pete, I hope you frisked everybody for mobiles/cameras? grin

Actually, you probably frisk every time......

See you all next week, have fun. smile

Pete Fri 14-Sep-12 09:47:03

Better to be 'safe than sorry' Ella
Missing you already.... grin

soop Fri 14-Sep-12 16:16:30

Pete...taking my name in vain is not a good move. However, I am rather fond of you, so yes, make mine a double malt. I see that Ella has been keeping her fingers nimble with the thimble. All those sequins...boy, will she create sparks when she dances the Can-Can. The feather plume will come in handy when she does the Fan-Dance. No flies on our Ella...come back soon, we need regulars like you to keep the honesty box topped up. Okay, Ana I'll keep you company in the snug. Have you been up to any new tricks recently...or are you a lady of independent means? grin

Pete Fri 14-Sep-12 16:29:30

A double malt coming up Soop ....is that Joan Bakewell peering through the widow ? grin

soop Fri 14-Sep-12 16:37:14

hmm Pete tell her we're closed. Waiting for the hygiene inspector to sort out Lil's kitchen. He's been in there all week. The beer went to his head on day one and he's still nursing a cracking hangover. shock

Anagram Fri 14-Sep-12 16:41:43

What widow is she peering through, Pete? The merry one, I presume! grin

Soop, I'm afraid I have no new tricks to teach you - you'll have to make up your own! I do hope this Strictly business doesn't go to Ella's head - d'you think she'll come back talking like a Yankee? confused

soop Fri 14-Sep-12 16:48:19

Ana...you never know with gels like Ella. One day she's all lah de dah and the next, well, she's like the rest of us. A bit of a chameleon. hmm

Pete Fri 14-Sep-12 17:13:37

Window...thats the trouble with fast fingers Ana smile
Soop I told her we were shut and directed her to the 'Off Licence'

soop Fri 14-Sep-12 18:21:49

Good one, Pete...take care of the bar for us please. I've a family of feral cats to feed. grin

gramps Sat 15-Sep-12 19:45:33

Pete,Pete. Where am I? Why is it so dark in here?
I think I tripped over something - I was carrying a tin of paint - with no lid on it! I feel all sticky! confused

Pete Sat 15-Sep-12 23:57:37

Its dark gramps 'cos after being left in charge I now have a massive hangover...you tripped over a feral cat... which is now covered in pink paint (make it easier for Soop to spot) grin

soop Sun 16-Sep-12 13:57:42

grin

gramps Sun 16-Sep-12 23:35:26

Oh Pete, I was going to meet Lil, but I'm feeling a bit on the pink side - have you got any paint stripper, turps or vodka. I must get some clean clothes too.
Whose washing is that