'Empty nest syndrome' - I think I'm suffering.

Welcome to the club bee63.....While celebrating their achievement and wanting them to 'fly', I also felt bereft when 'my boys' went off to Uni, knowing that from then on they would only be back for holidays. I'm afraid I still miss them......20+ years on, but it DOES get easier

as a single parent when my son went off to university (the same month I lost my sister to cancer) I returned to an empty house and became very depressed but it does pass.
when they get married and move even further away from your life - that is another blow but it does get EASIER.

and yes - you still miss them forever

oldgreymare is right. This pain is the price of loving and caring for them. They`ll be back one way or another even if only for visits. One day, if you`re very lucky they`ll bring a lovely new GC for you. In the meantime, get busy, find new pursuits so that when they talk to you you`ll have lots to tell them rather than making them feel bad about abandoning you. I know, I really know all this is easier said than done but you are joining a huge club! You truly are not alone.

bee; just cause she's left home doesn't mean she won't still need you. Before my daughter went away to uni my neighbour told me that she used to hear me crying in the garden. Just because terrible things are happening in the world doesn't take away the pain that you're feeling [that horrible tightness and emptiness round your heart]. Crying is, in itself, therapeutic. I can't bear to look at old family photos any more; I spent years putting them in albums and took great pride in it; now looking at them just makes me cry. Wherabouts do you live? There are often gransnet meet ups that you could go to. I'm sure it's making it worse because it's happening around Christmas as well. Things will get better but in the meantime there are plenty of people on here that understand what you're going through x

Have you thought about fostering bee63? Or if that's a step too far, what about offering Nightstop accommodation or taking in a young lodger? There are lots of young people who are desperate for somewhere to live.
If none of those takes your fancy, what about indulging in a hobby you've always wanted to try or getting to know your neighbours better; doing some/more volunteering? Missing your children is understandable, but it can be turned into something really positive.

I hated the feeling of emptiness but it does get easier.

Try to see your daughter being confident enough to set out on her own as a confirmation of your success as a mother.

I used to text my daughters every night just to say, 'I love you' and they would send the same message back. It didn't infringe into their freedom too much as they didn't have to stop whatever they were doing to talk to me but we still were in contact.

Thank you all so much for your messages. I know it will take time to adjust, maybe feeling it more because it's Christmas, & I'm remembering the Christmases when they were all little & full of excitement.

But yes, this is the price we pay for loving them.

Thanks again xx

It does get easier, truly x

Takes time but gets easier bee63, took me a while to stop shopping for mountains of food when DS went to university and cooking for three. Didn't miss the stacks of laundry though! Definitely think it of a job well done to have a daughter raised to be independent. Am sure she'll still need you to be around, both of mine keep in touch although living in London (and when DD's job takes her off to Uzbeckistan and Swaziland for weeks at a time, skype helps a lot)
Love it when they come to stay, something to look forward to!

DD got married at 19 and left home 2wks later to go and live in Germany with her then squaddie husband. She would often phone for advice and chats too of course but I didn't see her for 18mths. She still need her mum, your daughter will still need you .

Now 8yrs later she is living 10min drive away and with the marriage broken down needs her mum even more.

bee63 YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC. I too found the moment my children left home deeply distressing. I was busy with a job. studying and an ailing parent but I still missed having someone in the house who called me Mum and needed me for a hug, an argument, just to huff at or to sit in front of the telly and watch girly stuff and moan generally about anything and everything.
More needs to be discussed about the loss one feels when they go....the pain is very real and it takes time to readjust to that new role of being a long distance Mum. Phone calls and visits are lovely, its fabulous to see them building their own lives and making a success of it but a big part of me will always miss just being a hands on Mum.

Yes it gets easier...but oh how a tiny bit of longing for them remains attatched to your heartstrings. Earlier this year my big strapping son whispered in my ear as he was giving me a hug goodbye ' I love you mum, your amazing you've let me go. No matter how much I have to put my family and job before you, remember I love you,I really love you' I was stunned. It was just between him and me ( and now you gransnetters) I will do my best to remember his words next time I feel neglected, which probably will be anytime soon!

It will not only get easier, but you now have the opportunity to start a new exciting phase of your life. Before long your life will be so busy with new stuff, you will wonder what you did before. Your relationship with your dc will also change as she becomes more independent, she will get to need you for different things.

I'd give anything to hear something like that from either of my children. It's really important to let go and move on when they grow up; I just wish I could take my own advice sometimes .

pompa, excellent post. For those who know this will happen to them in a year or two- it really helps to prepare for that time by starting joining in activities, learning, groups, outside the family. I've seen several friends going through this 'empty nest' depression- but not colleagues who have had a job as well as the family for many years, and had forged an 'identity and life' of their own.

Perhaps time to learn something you've always wanted to learn, a foreign language, pottery, sewing, bridge- whatever. Or get stuck in finding out more about a hobby, etc, you've never had time to investigate, etc.

It's not easy that's for sure. Kiora [smile[ that's lovely.

or even

You are so lucky, Kiora, treasure the moment for ever, and thanks for sharing it.

The looser the apron strings, the more they will appreciate you. I had lots going on when mine left - work, political commitments, Open University courses. I hardly had time to miss them. And they came back... and went again and now they and their families always welcome me to their homes - even take me on holiday.

I'm still going through it - in fact seeing the thread on it here on Gransnet when I was googling 'empty nest syndrome' was what made me join this site. That thread is here, I don't know if it will help you at all but I certainly found it helpful.

www.gransnet.com/forums/health/1196664-Empty-Nest-Syndrome

Because not everyone understands what you are going through. I have a friend with four daughters who moved away from two of them once they were settled - and they followed her! Now that she has two at uni and two small GCs as well, her house is occasionally like Bedlam and she could do with a bit of peace and quiet.

My own DS will be back next Monday for five weeks and I can't wait, but although he loves coming home for a rest and a bit of spoiling, we live out in the sticks and I know he would never return to live full-time at home willingly after three years of living in a beautiful city. Facebook is my saviour, I can see the little green dots and know he is still alive and well, but I rarely contact him during term time without good reason. We went to see him this past weekend because he didn't think to pack any gloves or hats, so we went xmas shopping and then met up with him and took him out for a meal.

But when the time to leave him came, I felt like kidnapping him and taking him home, I felt so very sad. I thought I had been doing so well until then. I didn't cry, which is a huge improvement on last year. And DD and GCs will be coming up the following week for a few days, so we will all be together again, although with 'add-ons'. That is when I am happiest, when we are all under one roof, and all feels right with the world. I have started to treasure those times, because I now realise why my grandmother used to be upset when not all of her family could make it for reunions. It's to grab back those precious family togetherness times, if only for a short while.

Janerowena
Yes, it does get better as you get older and your life develops in other ways.Having a chat on the phone is nice, and now there is texting and email as well.I told myself it was natural and hopefully I had done a good job and the children were now independent.I don't miss the huge amounts of cooking and washing I have to say, and we have all to remember that we are US and not just Mothers.

bee63 hope that you manage to enjoy Christmas in spite of this problem in your life.

You're not pathetic bee63, when my twins left for university I couldn't come back to the empty house, I stayed in a hotel overnight (!) and then I did the same as you - went up to their room, sniffed their clothes and cried.

If you've worked part time and spent lots of time with your children, as I did, then I think it's harder to get over them going. Even though I've got hobbies and friends, it's strangely disruptive when they come back for periods of time, as they do, because then your revived activities inevitably take a back seat, unless you are very hard hearted!

It's lovely seeing them become independent adults but also a struggle because if you love them, then of course you want to stay close but you can only hope they will want to do so too and realising that is quite a shock. As time passes though, the pain of seeing them come and go does lessen and with Facebook and modern technology, keeping in touch is easier than in the past.