Having no one

I am going to be bold here and make an observation/suggestion.
I have noticed, but could be wrong, that those gransnetters with similar problems to yourself would also be quite likely say "I am very generous to all of them" bit and the "plus if I were to see them, I buy a present and give money as well, so I am not mean" bit.

Might you have spoilt your daughter and son along the way. Put them first above yourself since they were little?

I would still do the Christmas and birthday presents but not the rest. And if you can reallt be busy, they might just start turning to you and not the other way round.

I hope this post doesnt seem harsh, but thought it was worth posting just in case it does end up helping or being useful.

Luckylegs9 I think you've just answered your own query....in that last sentence; you try to cheerful and pretend everything is OK and you are fearful of losing your son if you tell him how you feel.

Do you get out and about and meet friends or new people?

Like Anya says it's quiet possible that your outward cheeriness makes your family think "Oh, mum's ok" maybe try telling them that your feeling a bit down sometimes.

Im very sad for you Lucky.

That must make you sad too. I think we only really begin to value our parents as we approach our 50's . Prior to that we think we, and they, are invincible and will be about forever and because of that we are casual with our contact with them.

I know this was definitely the case for me and my parents.

I agree with the other posters about gifts etc. Its not as if if you stop you will see less of them. You see nothing now.

I think you should share your thoughts with your son but not in an accusatory sense. A good plan might be on your next call to say yes you're fine but a little lonely and you miss seeing him and his family. Knowing they're busy can you agree a visit in the next month that would work for everyone. Tell him something short would work for you ( so he doesn't see himself losing a whole day ) maybe coffee?

Or maybe offer a sleepover if you have DGC - all parents value to some kid free time? Or even some babysitting?

I hope you find a way to reconnect.

This is awful Luckylegs9 you must be heartbroken. I really wish I had the answer or a magic wand. I just don't understand what makes us all 'tick' My own MiL wasn't a good mother at all. In fact nowadays her children may very well have been removed. Yet her children and their families have practically been at her beck and call. I've always got on very well with her but being able to observe her behaviour the more she criticised the more attention they gave her, perhaps they were always looking for her love and approval. What I've learnt from that and my own children is that when there's an argument or somthing goes wrong it often resolves if I back off. Send cards but perhaps be less genrious. I think there's nothing wrong in saying to your son that you miss seeing him and his family. Could you start by meeting them in the local park say once a month/week. I think the first four posters have a point. I know the thought of no contact is really really scary, but at this point you have nothing to loose by saying somthing.

I don't know what you can do. Such a sad thread title.

I wouldn't give them any money. Wouldn't do any harm to tell son how you feel? Don't wrap it up either. You've nothing to lose.

No good saying go out/meet friends. IMO. It's our own family we really need.

And be kind to yourself.

That question mark put itself there

I agree that it's our own family we need. Sadly that's not always going to happen.

Maybe examine the reason your daughter is estranged (I'm not wanting to be nosy ) is it something you could perhaps explore and even write to her and let her know how bad you feel? If you would like to see the grandchildren, Could your daughter even be willing to drop them off at your place, even for a couple of hours or so?

I think you have to discuss with your son, how you feel. If he has contact with his sister, could he approach her on your behalf? Sometimes siblings are quite close to each other.

Just a couple of suggestions.

So perhaps if that's the case, we might try building a life where their absence is less necessary to our happiness.

Probably easier for some people than it is for others though. Specially as we get older.

Luckylegs, tell them both how you feel. Tell them you're lonely.

Its difficult to do that though isn't it Anya?

We spend a large part of our lives putting their needs first . It's good old Mother Nature getting the nurturing gene going. Then suddenly - or so it seems- they are grown up , bringing people into our lives that we didn't give birth to , and making choices based on their wants and desires , sometimes with little or no thought to good old Mum and Dad.

The most difficult thing , I think is that sometimes those people who our children bring into our lives don't like us for whatever reason. There's a part of me that totally gets that - we weren't who they chose , they chose our child. But we're part of the deal, or should be.

I maybe should have taken your advice many years ago but didn't . Im lucky .I see my DDs and their families. But now its just DH and I , I do wonder what the future holds if I was to lose him .

I agree it's very difficult, but what's the alternative? Sitting in alone, waiting for a son to ring?

Nannaandg part of me dreads having a daughter in law for that reason. Luckily s-il seems ok with me. Phew!

I know Anya , we may be old but we're not dead eh ?

I'm lucky, I have brothers and sisters so all their families too. Maybe Luckylegs you can start my filling your days with other things. Maybe start small at one morning a week.

Use your time now to do all those things you always wanted to?

jingl yes I have SILs too and I'm grateful. My DDs automatically come to me for babysitting etc and the boys are just happy if their wives are happy. We do treat them just the same as if they were our sons too . DILs seem to often see MILs as 'the enemy'

Thank you for your replies which make a lot of sense. I must admit that I have always put both children first. Daughter very good hostess to her friends and generous, but everything has to be her way. She was always expecting me to drop everything and have my grandson so she could go on holiday, just her and her husband, I was working full time and I used to take my own holiday time sometimes to do it, if I hadn't she would have sounded off, told me I was selfish and kept me at bay for a time, so I have always given in to keep the peace as I didn't want to lose the grandchildren. She bought a beautiful home abroad, but me or my son were not invited, just her friends, he thinks she is just selfish, they are not estranged but do not see each other much. She has a good standard of life and now the grandchildren are older she doesn't need me, she tells me I just get on her nerves. After her last outburst before Christmas I have not contacted her and she won't contact me because she would wait forever for me to do it, I just gave up.My son and I get on and chat most days, he has a busy job and is often away from his own home, he has a busy social life and loves his home so time with his family comes first. If I needed him he would drop everything and come, last year when I had a heart problem, it was him that took me for appointments, he didn't want my friends doing it. I do have some good friends, I have just come back from 2 weeks holiday with one friend, most of my friends are married and we don't get together as we should. When I write it down I can see how badly I have gone wrong with my daughter, it is too late now, I think deep down I always knew she would leave me behind as her life is so different to mine. The answer is for me is to get out more and stop fretting about something I cannot have. Thanks for listening it has helped writing it down,

Life can be hard can't it Lucky...big sigh ? It starts with our children being dependent on us and having separation anxiety then before we know it the tables have turned. Now I'm facing watching my grandchildren move towards their independence. Its the letting go that hard but let go we must. Really It's a sign of our success that it happens and I'm happy to see it. There's no easy answers I'm afraid. Except finding a way to live a fulfilling life for ourselves. Xx

Perhaps you should contact your daughter if you fell out before Christmas. The longer it goes on the worse it will be. You could just make a friendly phone call- no need to discuss previous fallout.

So sad to read your post, Lucky. It is hard to feel left behind by your children but it does sound as if your son cares very much for you. At their stage of life they are so busy with work and family, that parents come a long way down the list. Your daughter sounds as if she has become totally absorbed in her own life and doesn't want to be reminded of your needs.

It is so hard to have to come to terms with children moving away from needing us. Time for you to look after your own needs. Be kind to yourself. ((Hugs))

Lucky I am so sorry for the situation you are in.

You need to plan your life to do things for you now and stop spending on those who are not only ungrateful but neither see you or give you space in their lives. You are the one who brought her into this world so if anyone should be in her life it is assuredly you. Sadly I think there is very little you can do about it as it sounds as if she is egocentric and her life is really all about her and how everything affects (only) her. I can't get over that she says you get on her nerves and think that really sounds like the bully blaming the victim.

How old are the DGC now? Are they old enough for you to contact them directly and even invite them over sometimes?

I don't think you should get in touch with your daughter. A spell of no contact might bring her up short when she eventually realises she not heard from you. Given you are generous with your time and money, it might give her something to worry about when it is not on offer. Telling you that you get on her nerves is completely unacceptable and no wonder you are hurt.

I hear what you're saying about speaking to your son on the phone, but honestly that's a bit of a cop out if he never makes time to see you. I'd tell him exactly how long it is since you saw him and suggest you get together at a time quite far in the future, say next month and tell him if you arrange a time to meet, then he can factor it in around his busy schedule. That should make it easier for him, instead of him trying to squeeze you in as he does now. Better to have a date in the diary.

It's hard when we're not part of our children's lives and it hurts that we have to make such an effort. Maybe the time has come for you to stop making all the running and for you to use the energy on something more enjoyable.

Luckylegs9. Your post was very sad as parents we have to walk a fine line sometimes don't we sometimes we avnt done anything wrong it's just way life goes I would write to daughter and say how you feel I must admit I tend to say we are ok when speaking on phone even when not so tell your son how you feel . I think kids today think their the only ones that are "busy" and we have always had a lot more time I suppose a lot of it is of our own making we encourage them to spread their wings some spread more than others hope all gets resolved ?

You don't say if you get on/got on with your Dil at all, its usually the women in this family who arrange get togethers, also when speaking to your son could you ask for a quick chat with one of the grandchildren. Do hope things improve for you.

We've always noticed that friends of ours that had rotten lives with their parents, you know, ignored and their siblings favoured over them, are always the ones that are most attentive to their parents while the other children, who never visit or do anything for their parents are put on a pedestal. Time and time again we have seen this. You know what they say "The more you do, the more you may"! Let them see that you are a person in your own right, not a slave at their beck and call, it may be too late but what else is there. I do hope you can get back on a even keel, no-one wants to be without family.