Mealtime worries

That is really hard. It does sound as if eating has become a bit of an issue and that this could indeed by this little lass's way of being in control of something in a world that changes in ways over which she has no control.

First and foremost my feeling would be that you must not get involved to even the minutest degree. If you are asked to report on her eating just say something bland and jolly that indicates that it does not loom large in your thinking, especially if the lass in within earshot. The subject needs to be kept very low key.

The other difficulty for you is that you do not want to be seen as reporting back what she has said, as she then has nowhere to safely offload.

It is of concern that your DIL's new partner is making an issue of mealtimes - but it is hard to know where this emanates from. It could be that your DIL is the one who is concerned about the eating and her new partner is trying to deal with this in an inappropriate way. And we do not know what is meant by "force" - it may be that the child us using this word in a different way from how you might be.

I think that at this stage you can only stand back, be on the alert and see how things pan out. If you wade in at this stage you may stir up a hornet's nest that will leave this little lass without the safe sanctuary of her grandma's home, which is going to be precious to her as time goes by.

Exactly what mishap has said.

Our son played the eating game with his mother and tried to with us. She gave in to him and basically he ate whatever and whenever he wanted because she was worried he would starve. Being older, DH and I were more fixed in our attitude to food. At meal times we all eat the same food. I'm not running a restaurant and I don't offer a menu. He looked at his meal and said those words all parents love to hear, "I don't like it."

As we never gave him anything we knew he didn't like we gave him a choice. Eat your meal or stay hungry until the next meal. There would be no snacks. Oddly he only did this once. The look of shock on his face when he realised that there really were going to be no snacks no matter how hungry he said he was or how much he told us that mummy let him have whatever he wanted was a sight to behold. He ate the next meal with no problems and has done ever since. However he still plays up his mother.

I agree with mishap. Food is a way of trying to have some control in a world that is mainly beyond a child's control. Your GD will be trying to make sense of and come to terms with so much.

We told our children how lucky they were to have two homes. Two bedrooms, two lots of toys, two lots of clothes, two birthdays and two Christmas's. This appealed to their consumerist tendencies. But more importantly we explained to them that your parents love you more than anything else in the world to the point where they would die for you. Most children only have two parents but they were lucky because they not only had a mum and dad but also a step mum and step dad so they had four adults who loved them so much they'd die for them. When asked about their lives this is the thing that they tell people.

Give your GD time. Do your own thing with her and don't get dragged into the parents concerns. You are her safe place and safe person to talk to. Just relax. It will sort itself out.

It may not be a power struggle. It may not have anything to do with him at all.
Even if it does, it could be several things. Such as, she feels she has to eat fast when he is around so feels 'forced'.

I was a very slow eater when I was a child, and DGD is as well.

Perhaps they are both worried about her not eating much and he is trying to make her sit at the table until she has finished everything on her plate. Personally, I don't agree with this but I know a lot of people do. As long as they have eaten a reasonable amount I'm happy - our own appetites vary so some days she may feel less hungry than others.

I have noticed that if they are going to have a 'growth spurt' children will eat a lot more, then perhaps slow up and not eat what we would consider enough.

However, it could be a bit of a power struggle; I do remember many years ago a neighbour fostering a little girl who was only about 18 months or 2, and this little girl would sit in her high chair and refuse to swallow the food in her mouth after she had eaten some of it. The foster mother said she made her sit there until she gave in and swallowed it. It made me feel very uncomfortable when I witnessed it because the child had been sitting there for over an hour.

Unless the new partner has been left in charge of the child with specific instructions what to do I think he should be leaving issues with parenting to her mother.

Linking this in case any of it turns out to be helpful

www.fhs.gov.hk/english/health_info/faq/child_health/GN1_2_4_1.html

I agree with previous posters. Though I will add I worry when a new partner, starts laying down the law to someone else's child.

I think this is an issue that needs to be dealt with - and urgently - by the child's father. As her parent he has a direct responsibility for his daughter's welfare.

If you have not already done so tell him what your DGD said to you. He should chat casually to his daughter to see if he can find out what she means when she says that her mother's partner has 'forced' her to eat.

It could be little or nothing, perhaps being told she cannot have something nice like ice cream until she has eaten most of her main course, but, more dangerously, it could be the start of a pattern of developing child abuse

Tread carefully with your DGC but otherwise this could be a warning sign of potential child abuse and should be acted upon promptly.