--crap-- keepsakes on graves

There is a corner opposite the station in East Bourne that has been adorned with plastic flowers for about twenty years. I know people find it hard to let go of grief but how can they move on and remember their loved ones in a more positive way until they do. Grief is painful enough without holding on to it.
In my previous life I have seen many people complain about their loved ones death that has taken up enormous amounts of time and sorrow but none of it will bring their loved one back or enable them to remember them positively.
I do think however that one or two small things extra on a child's grave, not mountains of stuff looking weathered and grey, should be allowed for.

And why can't people who leave floral tributes at the side of roads take the wrapping off first. Dead flowers at least compost down but the wrappings are just litter. Near here there is a tree which is adorned with what were once ribbons and bells etc. About 5 years on they are still there looking very untidy and an awful memorial to a loved person.

Oh how much I agree. Our local crematorium is in the middle of a cemetary and there are some graves which are covered in what I can only call tat very near the entrance They are next to each other which makes it look worse. Every thing is garish plastic, there are toys ,windmills, plastic flowers and plants and they are obviously replaced regularly as they are very bright. They have been there for years and are a real eyesore.

I agree, some graves just look a total mess. I'm afraid I don't understand the thinking behind toys, windmills etc.
Mum and dad both wanted their ashes scattered as they didn't want us "to feel obliged to keep our graves tended" I realise this is a very personal decision.
Mum always put fresh flowers next to dad's photo at home on anniversaries and his birthday and would like a candle in church. We do the same for both of them now.

I don't particularly like the look of them, but people need to grieve in their own ways. I used to work with Gypsies and Travellers and their traditions dictated flamboyant graves with what I would regard as tat, but it was very important to them - so live and let live I say.

I agree Mishap

My parents are buried in a lovely little country churchyard in Yorkshire where there are no tacky mementos on the graves. I have planted primroses and bulbs on the grave and the churchyard is well tended. The local school planted wild flowers there as a project. I won't be eligible for burial there, but perhaps the family can deposit my ashes nearby.

What? People are expressing their grief by leaving objects (teddies etc) on gravestones and we are disapprovingly referring to it as crap?

You sound very harsh and snobbish VP.

But surely it depends on how many years this goes on and I do mean years. And I do know that mourners today are upset by it as they have said so.

anno just out of interest, what arcane rule/law prevents your ashes being buried at your parents' grave?

I assume they feel the need to leave crap! tributes because it is their need, just as it is a need to condemn tributes as crap because these tributes do not please the eye of some

. As for holding onto grief, grief is personal , no time limit to recovering from it, some in grief attempt to take their own lives, should we say - what crap get over it .

Let's go further and insist flowers but only in season.

Some people just have crap taste and some people make crap comments when speaking of grief endured by others

Your OP is indeed very harsh and snobbish VP The council I read about was talking specifically about children's and babies' graves.

These tributes that you consider crap mean something to those who have left them there - parent, grandparents and family friends. At Christmas, or on the the child's birthday or anniversay of the death, those who mourn that child can feel an overpowering urge to 'give' something.

Yes, a teddy bear may start to rot, but what the hell has it to do with anyone else or the bloody council? The parents have bought and paid for this grave. Should someone else's sense I'd what's 'tidy' be more important that the grief of those still mourning?

Well said Anniebach! x

I don't think it's snobbish to not want a load of rotting tat on a grave. By all means leave a teddy if it makes you feel better but replace it when it starts to rot. Why do the graves have to be covered with what would be classed as rubbish in any other situation? If I left a pile of rotting teddies, broken windmills and plastic toys on the path in front of my house my neighbours would quite rightly complain and the council would insist I cleared it up.

I visit my late DH's grave every week to replace flowers. On his birthday and at Christmas I do feel a need to "give" something else but so far have not found anything which I would consider suitable so usually leave a potted plant.

I would never describe anything left by anyone on a grave as crap, it obviously means something to the bereaved. The grave next to my DH has huge bunches of artificial flowers and a metal lantern, not to my taste but I would never describe it as crap

I don't like to see it, my sympathies are with the grieving person though. as I understand it from a grandmother I know who lost her baby grandson, her DiL did it to make the grave look more 'alive'. To make it look more like a cot than a grave.

Could we at least have an end to cellophane wrappings on flowers? Left to their own devices flowers will rot down (although I appreciate it when people do remove them,) but tacky wrapped bunches just litter up any graveyard. And as to burying ashes, when my parents died I had their ashes buried at the foot of my grandparents headstone. Cemetery staff had rolled back a pice of the turf and I mixed them and scattered/buried them adding 3 little heather plants then the men replaced the turf.

Ooh heck. I leave a Xmas wreath on my mum's grave every year. Have done for fifty two years now. Natural holly berries, and leaves. This year left it far too late and could only find fir cones sprayed sparkly red, on sticks. They looked very Christmassy in the flower container, and I think she would have liked them. Was that crap though?

It's not so much what they leave but the fact that it's left after it's started to rot or gets broken. People who leave flowers tend to replace them when they die and throw them away. They don't put new flowers on the grave and leave the old ones to rot away.

No! Not to me. It's the plastic ornaments that fade in the sun that I don't like. They fade and go mouldy and then crack. I like the idea of a Christmas wreath.

I agree with vq about the length of time that tributes are left. There has to be some consideration for other grieving relatives. I find it strange that people leave teddies to rot on a grave when in real life the child would have been bought new toys.

I think that the tokens that people leave to their loved ones are just personal to them at that time, they will be putting these items on a grave when they are at their most possibly lowest time in their lives and maybe not thinking about what the items may look like in 12 months/yrs time or more,, they cannot even think beyond that day.Maybe they then don't visit the grave as often and it slowly declines, leaving as others have said what they call as "crap/tat" not a word I would use but! My dh was cremated so no need to visit a grave, but If he did have a grave I'm sure GS would have wanted to leave maybe a plastic windmill or something for granddad, and yes in time I would have removed or replaced it. I don't think we have the right to dictate to people what others see as "c**p, I'm sure we all have something in our house/garden that another person would see as "c**p".and what you have to remember is these people who are grieving, and grief makes people do strange/odd things. I do agree that yes some do look a mess, but if it brings that person comfort then what the heck,i'ts not life threatening!

The use of the word crap in the OP is objectionable. Who are you VP to judge what is crap?