mental health

Oh what a tricky situation for you. I think you need to think what you want to happen in the long term. Do you want to have responsibility for the children long term? Just find out if their mum is really ill or just fed up with having to take sole responsibility for the children? Get your son to be a more pro-active dad?

Really if your son is a legal carer for the children he should be sorting this out. Is he capable of this?

Do you feel contacting SS and telling the whole story from your perspective might make the situation more difficult? If the children's mum is ill she needs treatment and the children need to be safe.
You could contact the headteacher at the school where the children attend and talk to them. He/she will have a contact number for the single point of access for the team that look after children's welfare if you feel you want to get SS involved.
I hope that you will talk to someone. try NSPCC
www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/are-you-worried-hub_wdh72939.html

I don't know enough to offer any advice, but we do have experienced social workers (both retired and still in work) on GN who can perhaps advise you.

I'm surprised your son's partner has coped up till now as a single parent with three young children, so close together. Who has 'been there' for her when they were just babies?

Could your son's forthcoming marriage have precipitated this crisis perhaps?

What a very difficult situation for you.

Could I ask what outcome you are aiming for at this stage? I am assuming that you need some sort of clarity about the future, both for you and the children.

Social Services would not wish to receive the children into care where other suitable arrangements are available so please do not feel that talking to them will result in the children being "taken away." SSD could help you by advising about local sources of support. - for you, for the children and also for their mother.

Whether or not your DIL has a mental health problem, she is clearly someone in crisis. She really does need support and you cannot be the person to do this - you have quite enough to do.

I do think that you need someone outside the situation to help and advise and SSD would be a good place to start.

What a situation - I agree with the others, (SSD). There are surely legal issues here, (custody orders etc), maybe try to get some quick free advice from a solicitor.
You need to put pressure on your son to take more responsibility.

Have you confronted the children's mother with the fact that you know she did not take up the appointment with the mental health team? Surely you need to talk to her some more about it. Hopefully persuade her to go back to her doctor.

I wonder if her doctor knows she did not take up the appointment? Could you speak to her doctor? Tell him/her the situation regarding the children?

And why didn't the mental health team contact her again? Seems very irresponsible of them. They must have been given the background.

I would think you have just for complaint about both her doctor and the mental health team. She put herself in her doctor's care when she initially consulted him/her, and she has been badly let down. I think I would be on the phone to her doctor.

Should have read "just cause for complaint"

Sadly, people are let down by the pro's all the time nowadays.A gentle non blaming talk with your son's ex partner may be better in the long run. She may feel on the verge of 'losing it' and if she is coping alone with the 3 of them and not much money coming in, then she really could be at risk and also the children.Could the children live with you, all the time, part of the time?They probably feel angry and let down by their Father, your son, for leaving their Mother and themselves and starting a new family with somebody else.In all this, only the children matter, and if you don't want them taken into care, and could formally adopt them[ I think you would be entitled to money for doing this] then this could work , but it is hard work for you and you may not be up to it.It may be that the stability of living with you for a good part of the week would relieve the burden on the Mother and that she would be able to cope with that.An awful situation that happens such a lot in our society.

Adoption does not carry any financial help, but fostering does.

The most important decision is whether you, as grandparents, feel able to continue to look after the children. The welfare of the children is absolutely the first priority; and well done to both of you for shouldering this. Talking to someone independent, like SSD, will ensure that you get all the support that is available and that the situation is formalised for your own security and well-being.

And the second issue is the mother's health. Mental health services cannot force themselves on individuals, even if they have been referred, unless someone is in danger; but they will have let the GP know that the referral was rejected.

Are n't we jumping the gun a bit here? Are we sure the mum doesn't just need some proper medical intervention to help her cope?

That, and a rocket up the irresponsible father's backside?

Is the maintenance your son should be paying for the children, coming to you while they are with you.

I don't think there is any need to get social services involved yet. I am a great believer in in-family responsibility. And it sounds as if Melg does too.

Could the children's mother's next of kin contact her doctor for her?

These sort of situations are always complex jingle and we only know what we have been told; and Meig herself only knows what is told to her. The children's welfare is what matters and sound advice is the best way to ensure this.

This does not negate or bypass family responsibility - SSD always applaud and support that.

The mother's welfare and the children's, are closely intertwined. Too soon to talk about fostering the children with the grandparents in my opinion.

I agree that sound advice is important.

I only mentioned the adoption issue as someone had said that this came with financial help - I wanted to set that record straight.

The welfare of both the mother and the children are a matter of concern in this instance.

We have seen in the last few days the tragedies that can result from a parent who reaches the end of their tether. That is why it is so important that this family receive proper professional advice to help them all through this difficult time.

But the children are being safely cared for by their grandparents and, occasionally by their dad or their mum. It's not as though they are in any danger.

I wonder how their father would feel about social services being brought in.

I am sure that the family and neighbours of this tragic lady in the news thought just that.

The point here is that we do not know whether these children (or indeed their mother) is at risk. That is why proper professional input is needed. We cannot comment from a position of ignorance as posters on a website.

I speak as one who has worked in the field. Always err on the safe side.

Melg is concerned enough about the situation to ask questions here, and to label her thread "mental health", so I feel it should be taken seriously and that proper help should be sought.

The children are lucky that she is there, but this arrangement is a source of concern to the OP.

What would you want the social worker to do?

What a tough situation for the OP.

9 weeks is a long period for these children, and their grandparents, to be in a state of uncertainty about what is happening in the short and longer term. Things must have been difficult for some time for their mum to consider care as an option. It's also a worry that this mum hasn't been at all honest with either the mental health team, or the grandparents. I'm not surprised that the mental health team hasn't checked up about the children, especially as they don't have any active involvement with the mother.

I believe 9 weeks is long enough for either the children's mother, or their father, to be more active about their parental responsibilities. These children must feel confused, despite having loving grandparents who stepped in. I hope that if mum is on benefits she's handing money over to the grandparents. My memory is that parents have to inform the child benefit people if the children are out of their care for over 6 weeks. If she's in social housing, there are implications (bed room tax etc). If the father was paying maintenance, is that now going to his parents. These aren't minor issues if this has been going on for 9 weeks, with no sign of it changing.

9 weeks is a long time for the adults involved to begin to feel anxious and confused (the grandparents clearly are). It's a very long time for the children.

It sounds as though communication is a problem. What do the grandparents want to happen> Is the mum well enough to resume care, does she want to , why can't dad take care of his children - so many questions. Good luck OP