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Funny things my mum has said

(28 Posts)
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Eloethan Sat 02-Mar-13 14:50:17

Mum was mystified by the look of confusion on the young assistant's face when she went into Boots and asked for a tube of "semen" for her hair.

We were talking about the difficulties of arranging good childcare one day when mum said "It's all right for people with plenty of money - they can just put their children into a quiche."

We visited an old friend of my dad's some years ago. He was a well-read, intellectual man and he was talking about his love of Beckett and, in particular, the play "Waiting for Godot". "Oh", Mum pipes up, "I like that. We always watch it, don't we?" There was a silence as we all sat and thought about this for a moment. I stifled a giggle when I realised that she was talking about the TV comedy "Waiting for God".

JustMe Sat 02-Mar-13 15:44:11

Oh goodness me, that's hilarious Eloethan! My dear old Mum (not around any more) had the most dreadful saying haha.... the trouble is, me and siblings didn't correct her for various reasons... embarrassment, amusement, devilment...

If she was going on a long journey the conversation would be along the lines of "Your father and I are off down to Devon to see Jean and Eric. I'll drive some of the way because it's such a wank down to Exeter".

Yes really... oh dear...

Eloethan Sat 02-Mar-13 15:46:20

JustMe Oh no!

POGS Sat 02-Mar-13 16:59:56

Eloethan my mum was the same. smile

We were in the toilets at a service station, drying our hands. She looked at the 'machine' on the wall (condoms). They were in,wait for it, strawberry and cream, mint etc. She said, quite loudly, "Why would you buy kids their sweets from a ladies loo".

She always called condoms, condiments, so she would have been funny any which way. grin

annodomini Sat 02-Mar-13 17:06:26

I may have told this one before. However, newer members may not have read it. My mum was showing someone her garden and said, 'Come and see my penis.' She did, of course, mean pieris. blush

Eloethan Sat 02-Mar-13 17:28:44

POGS annodomini grin

Movedalot Sat 02-Mar-13 18:14:01

Oh dear, I wonder if I am saying anything my boys are embarrassed about? I got told off years ago when I talked abount bonking on the piano grin

Ana Sat 02-Mar-13 18:15:55

Well, it can't have been very comfortable, Movedalot...wink

Mishap Sat 02-Mar-13 18:21:54

These are great - my Mum had no funny sayings to add - but I love these - hilarious.

kittylester Sun 03-Mar-13 16:17:29

My Mum's sayings are usually far from funny as I usually let her down by looking a mess, wearing the wrong outfit, shoes etc. We have over the last week or so had a bit of a scary time with her health (and her c**p home) but she has picked up over the last couple of days. smile

I am, though, obviously still a let down because she announced today 'Everything would be so much better if we could just get you married off' confused

I would like to point out that I have one husband of 42 years, 5 children, 4 grandchildren and 4 sort of grandchildren! My husband thinks it's because he's not quite posh enough for her!! grin

Grannyknot Sun 03-Mar-13 16:30:20

My mother was very funny without meaning to be. She used to say "I can't stand the rats race" which I always thought was very funny, when I'd correct her, she'd say "But surely there's more than one rat?"

kitty my MIL who has Alzheimer's was always very fond of me. A few years ago when she still had moments of clarity, she said to me "I haven't seen you for a long time, I blame that husband of yours". That would be her son, who was standing next to me at the time (she very quickly 'forgot' her only son, he became her brother very early on in the disease). Good to hear that things have settled down with her health given all the problems you've been having.

Grannyknot Sun 03-Mar-13 16:31:15

... meaning re your mother of course.

Fondasharing Sun 03-Mar-13 16:31:54

Mum has arthritis in her knees.

When I went to visit her last week, she said that she had to rub some"Vodafone" in her knees and would ask the chemist for some more next time we shopped - she meant, of course, Voltarol.

When she watches a film with us when she stays and cannot remember names of the cast....she calls them wotchamacallit, or oojamaflippi, and expects us to know who she is talking about!!!!

She is always funny.......and can make me laugh even when I am down.....thank goodness.

Galen Sun 03-Mar-13 17:06:37

I'll repeat one of my mother's for the newbies.
Many years ago when the German airforce were flying star fighters two collided over Germany! My mother commented.
' the pilots were lucky, they had time to ejaculate!'

Also when talking about the cooling towers just outside Wolverhampton.
'During the war, they were so well camouflaged, that if you shut your eyes you couldn't see them!'
hmm

kittylester Sun 03-Mar-13 17:11:43

A friend and I had a complete conversation about an actor once in which neither of us could remember his name or the title of anything he had been in but still managed to know who we were talking about. He rang me at 11 pm that evening to shout triumphantly down the phone, 'Dominic West!' grin

Grannyknot, I have a brother who looks just like my late father and quite often Mum asks 'Where is Daddy today?'. We never called Dad 'Daddy' but my niece calls her father 'Daddy' so I come away totally confused

Snoozy Sun 03-Mar-13 17:31:42

My MIL likes Come Dine With Me so I asked her if she ever watched Four in a Bed. She was most offended & asked 'Why would I want to watch such smut?' She thought it was a programme about swingers.

She also got a voucher to try LOVEFiLM from Amazon. She said 'That's no use to me, I don't watch those sort of films.'

sunflowersuffolk Sun 03-Mar-13 17:35:20

tee hee .... several of you made me chuckle out loud grin

LullyDully Sun 03-Mar-13 18:13:17

My dear old welsh Granny said she used to shop in The Home and Canolial. That must have been in the 3os when Britain still had canolials.

She also enjoyed the Streets of Fransancisco.

Galen Sun 03-Mar-13 18:41:11

We had worcesterwstershire sauce?confused

juneh Tue 05-Mar-13 20:20:32

Nowadays I can hear myself sounding off at the telly just like my mum. She would give off a stream of verbal criticism, 'look at the size of his chin' 'what on earth is the matter with at woman's hair' and 'oh my God look at the size of her arise' her remarks would wear you out the other day I heard myself saying , 'look at that woman's hair, just does nothing for her'. OMG I am turning into my mother help!

juneh Tue 05-Mar-13 20:22:12

My gran used to say when the news reader was on telly. Put a scarf over his face I'm not having him see me in my nightie.

juneh Tue 05-Mar-13 20:29:07

My gran used to say 'am I protruding' rather than intruding. She used to say will you fetch me a bottle of paralyse milk.

pinkprincess Wed 06-Mar-13 00:04:39

My mother found out that one of her neighbours had been running a house off ill repute.She told people that so and so was in the papers for running an immortal house.

Jadey Wed 06-Mar-13 23:22:23

My Dad used to call Trebor Mints, sweet mo bilss and slippers strippers was so funny if people were round and he used to ask one of us to get him his strippers smile

I cannot get my tongue around the phrase 'Predictive Text' I was at a friend's home last year and she had a rather well known singer staying as she is his tour manager. I had met him for the first time and am not a fan so it wasn't nerves. He was having trouble with his mobile phone I heard myself asking " Have you tried predictive SEX" First time I had blushed in a long time.

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