Mother.

Is it the alcohol talking when she's so nasty? Although it's slightly different I knew an alcoholic mother who would tell her 9 year old daughter that she hated her and should have aborted her.

You are doing the right things ruby - all you can do is be as kind as you can muster and let the other stuff roll over you.

Do not forget that most of the negative stuff happened when you were a child and had no control over anything - and these things leave their mark.

Well done for your kind phone message.

A regular phone call, keeping it short and cheerful and not getting embroiled in any discussions about anyone's shortcomings might be a good idea and you will feel better.
If you can time it when you think she may not have had a drink that could be the best time (and not to coincide with her 'programmes'!).
Sometimes an alcoholic will not acknowledge that they have a problem and will say the most unkind and outrageous things after drinking, nothing will shut them up (!) and they will feel perfectly justified in what they say.

Can you join a local group and make some new friends?

Thank you once again for your words of support and encouragement.

My mother has, for many many years, took vodka in her cup of tea to fool people into thinking that she is not drinking. With not having seen her for some time I am only assuming that this is still the case, which can happen in a morning as much as the evening. It has happened since I was a child so I do not see it changing now though.

You are correct rose with short phone calls. I was up for going to see her initially even though I would struggle with my breathing as I am having trouble with it through stopping smoking myself, and it is like a smog in her bungalow, thick and awful. I don't want to be trying to breathe in that sort of atmosphere but was willing to go just to see her really. But if she can be so nasty still, then it will be best to leave well alone and look after my own mental health but still remain in touch via telephone.

As mentioned, I have hit the smoking on the head, and now I intend to lose some weight. My cardiologist signed papers for me to allow me to go swimming last week so I can go and find people there and I will enroll at the slimming club near me too next week.

I am currently on Amazon to find pampering treats for myself so that I can focus on treating myself to these instead of a cream cake for instance.

With health problems which keep me from being mobile at times, it is very easy to let the mind wander and to focus on the wrong things, negative things. I have been told by my doctor to have some counselling to help me through this hard time so that should help hopefully.

Good morning ruby , I too think that you should just keep to regular friendly phone calls, dont listen to the nastiness, you dont have anything to apologise for, your Mother is the one who drank and smoked her way through your childhood. Spend time with your Father, enjoy his company as best as you can given his condition. Dont go and visit, she will likely be unpleasant and the atmosphere will make you ill.

rubylady congratulations on doing everything yourself to get your own life back on the rails and not repeat your mother's mistakes. Many slimming club members have said how supportive and friendly such clubs can be. My favourite cheap treat is a magazine or, it used to be a new pair of earrings (the cheap and cheerful kind). Having lost several stone myself last year, I cannot explain just what a boost it is as clothes get looser, then you get into something you haven't worn for ages and finally buy a new item of clothing several sizes smaller.

I think you will find counselling vey helpful, especially when you are already making making efforts in other directions to help yourself.

Like most other posters I would suggest you just make short calls to your mother on a regular basis. Just ignore it when she make nasty comments. As you are on the end of the phone, she won't see if you rolling your eyes heavenwards, grimace or doing whatever is needful to act as if you hadn't heard her. She may well be doing it because she knows it winds you up. If you just talk cheerfully over her nasty remarks and put the phone down if she gets too bad, she may do it less. If she cannot get a re-action from you it is rather a waste of time for her to say nasty things.

And you will know that you are doing the right thing and keeping in touch.

I don't know how much it costs in your area, but I had some reflexology years ago and it was wonderful. Good for you and a real treat too.

If not, some lovely toiletries to pamper yourself.

I think staying in touch with your mother and letting her know what you appreciate about her is the right thing to do. You will probably be pleased later on that you made the effort.

I think it is important to behave in the present in a way which will leave us comfortable with ourselves in the future. If possible.

I had top make a huge effort when my father died not to fall out with a sibling. I managed it by the skin of my teeth and I'm so pleased I did.

Good luck!