How do you come to terms with guilt & regret over not being a good mother?

It sounds to me as if you were a good mum. You worked hard in difficult circumstances to raise your kids as best you could.

Besides which, if your son doesn't want anything to do with the rest of the family, it obviously isn't just about you, which suggests that he has a problem.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Perhaps he needs to be ignored.

You were a perfectly good mum -nobody says we have to be Mother Teresa, Gina Ford and Miriam Stoppard rolled into one. You were holding down a job, caring for your children and coping with an abusive partner. And all with little or no support? You are a saint! That sounds like 300% effort to me!
I think your son is blankety blank lucky to have you and if he is an ungrateful little s*d that is up to him. There are no qualifications to motherhood, most of us muddle through and our children turn out the way they do either because of us or in spite of us. So don't go beating yourself up about it! ???(Good Mum medals!!)

Oh I feel for you Bee63. I agree with Bags that it sounds as though you did your best under very difficult circumstances.
I think we can probably all look back and wish there were things we had done differently, or different choices we could have made.
It sounds also to me that your DS is placing the blame for present unhappiness on to you, which is simply not fair. He is an adult, free to choose his own path in life now. He can wallow in self-pity, or he can deal with his problems, perhaps with mentoring or counselling.
If I were you I would try to say to him, without being defensive or sounding needy, that although times were hard when he was a child, you did love him then and you do now, and you will always be there for him.
No easy answers I'm afraid, but I think adult DC sort of have to establish their independence before coming back into the family IYSWIM.

I agree, I have no doubt you were the best mum you possibly could be and I wouldn't chase after your son. Leave him to come to you.

Looking back, probably most of us can think of some aspect of our parenting which we'd do differently now, none of us is perfect! Try not to let this rift spoil the rest of your life.

It is the great cop-out in life for so many children. If life is not going well, blame your parents. Jeremy Paxman is currently doing that his biography, presumably it sells books.

Unless you have a truly, truly dreadful childhood, I do think you should be over it by 30. If your son looked back on his childhood, in honesty, he would see you as a good mother doing the best in very difficult circumstances.

Do not blame yourself, nobody is perfect, we all have to respond to outside forces that shape our lives. As you talk of one child rejecting you presumably the other 3 still love you and support you.

I am with other posters, the problem lies with him not you.

bee I also had three children under the age of four and know exactly how hard it can be, especially if you didn't have a good and supportive husband.I always think that guilt in our old ( older) age can only be channelled in two ways, the first to tell your son that you do understand how hard his childhood was,you are sorry that you couldn't physically do more at the time, but ask if you can be part of his life NOW and try and make up for the past.So, it will be yes, or no, to that.
The second way ( if the first way fails) is to accept it, at least for a while, and get on with your life.
If the guilt is centered on somebody who is now dead( not in your case) I believe it's counter productive to beat yourself up about it, but to aknowledge to yourself at least, that given the time again, you would have acted differently.Then move on.

We all know that there were things we could have done much better as a parent - and I definitely include myself in that.

My own parents were good at the physical stuff (birthdays, holidays etc.) but hopeless at showing love.

No parent is perfect and good enough is good enough, because that is all that children have a right to expect. This whole emphasis on perfect parenting is a ball and chain for many new parents now - I watch my own children struggling to get it perfect and really feel for them.

As someone else has said - tell him you are only human and you did your best; that you loved him and still do. Then leave him to sort himself out - or not, as the case may be.

Stop beating yourself up and concentrate on building up a good life for yourself.

So many good points on here. This is not really about you bee it is actually about your son.
I know from personal experience just how fickle memory can be when one sibling can recall all the love and happy events and another remembers only the hard bits when he/she wanted things to be other than they were. Then we get to the blame thing and I think you can take great comfort from the fact that from what he says your son can clearly see, whether he realises it or not, that you were the one holding everything together. I don't think he would be saying what he did if that was not, at the very least, subconsciously apparent to him.
We all wish that things could have been better in many aspects of our lives but it makes no sense at all to start playing the blame game and throwing teddies out of the prams without any prospect of changing things for the better once those events are in the past.
Has your son given you the opportunity to tell him how things were for you and how your efforts to hold all together affected you physically and mentally? If not then it might be worthwhile to make the effort to do this and preferably with a neutral party present. He is a grown up now so he needs to behave like one and be prepared to listen and understand.

Don't beat yourself up about it! When you are up to your neck in muck and bullets life is usually about survival and not sitting and dreaming of sun drenched beaches.

I hope that life is easier for you now.

PS It is often a good idea to say that you have been thinking a great deal about what he has said and you have come to the conclusion that there are things he really ought to know. Hopefully he will be curious enough to want to know everything and you can take it from there. Do have someone else there with you. All the best!

Oh how hard it must have been for you bee with 3 youngsters, full-time job and abuse from your OH. Please don't make it worse for yourself by thinking about what's past and how you might have done it differently "if only ..."

Sometimes we humans need space and time to think things through. My own DS has told me how he perceived some events from his childhood and how they distressed him. After talking with him about what else was going on at the time he was better able to understand and we moved on together. I hope the same happens for you and your son. Reassure him whenever you can that you love him, always have and always will. The rest is up to him (((hugs)))

Thank you all so much for your very kind & supportive replies, they really have helped me.
Yes, I have tried to explain why I acted the way I did when he was younger, but I'm not sure he really wants to understand & see things from my side, I suppose he sees them as 'excuses', I haven't explained everything about my relationship with his father as he'll probably blame me for staying with him. I just said things were 'difficult'. Looking back I'm surprised I survived at all, but I did my best under extreme stress & I just hope one day he'll understand.

And I'm actually crying reading all your kind words. I wish I'd had you back then.

beeI hope one day he understands too but if he doesn't there's nothing you can do about that and it certainly doesn't detract from the wonderful job you did. Doing the best we can for our children is all any of us can do.

There's nothing more painful than having all the love and care you gave as a parent, thrown back in your face by your own child.

(((Big hugs))) bee and now just carry on doing the best you can in the same way that you clearly have always done. Bless you!

bee63 - I can identify with your feelings. I feel bad that their Dad and I put our 3 through a lot of worry and sadness. A similar setup to yours, husband abusive, I had a demanding job.
A few years ago I dealt with it as rosesarered suggests, and hope you can do the same, or similar.I apologised to each separately and explained a bit. It did make things better. Second son is still a bit iffy - he went over to his Dad's side eventually, but he and I are still as close as we can be - he's the one who lives in India.
Don't keep blaming yourself, it's destructive.

You cannot change people especially if they are 'glass half empty' people. I have sisters who are forever bemoaning their childhood but I just don't recognise what they say in much of my own memories. Yes, things could have been better but I have never yet met anyone who had the perfect childhood or perfect life.

bee it sounds to me as if you did well to survive. His lack of understanding about how difficult things were shows how good a mum you were. Your protected and cared for your children. You are still a good mum, you want your son to be happy and of course you want to be close to him, but he's an adult now and must take responsibility for himself. There are some very wise words in previous responses, please don't blame yourself, you were more than a good enough parent. I hope your son will be able to see that perfect parents just don't exist. .

You sound as if you did the best you could under very difficult circumstances, which is all anyone can do. Just tell him, you love him more than anything, you will always be there for him and that you are so sorry if he feels you let him down, you were struggling too. Please do not beat yourself up, there isn't one of us who is the perfect mother so join the club. Sending you ??

Oh how I sympathise and empathise! I have a million regrets! But we have to let go of those regrets and acknowledge that we did the best we could. You were BRILLIANT! Just keeping going under those circumstances...!!!! And, as most people have said, there comes a time when we all have to stop blaming our parents. x

bee I agree with all that's been said so far - all you could do was your best... Can I ask whether your other DC think the same? As a pp has said, often siblings see things very differently, and their memories may not tally with his at all. If they ALL feel the same, then yes, separate apologies and more explanations may be helpful - but if the other two can recognise how difficult their childhoods were for you, then it is indeed your DS's problem. Also, does your DS have any small children? If not, then it will be very difficult for him to understand just how hard life can be if you have no support...

You were in difficult circumstances and handle things the best way you could. Try and explain what you have said here to your son and don't give up on building a stable relationship with him. As we get older, family is so important. Ask him to look to the future and happy times.

I am getting quite at the idea that mums are always in the wrong, that somehow we need to apologise to adult offspring for not being perfect.
We are not talking about neglect or abuse on this thread (not by mum of the children, anyway) We are not talking about cruelty or malnourishment or psychological harm are we?
Just normal (usually) working mothers trying to hold things together and provide a secure environment for their children, often without support.
This grown up son needs to get over himself. There are thousands of children growing up who are coping with poverty, disease, no education, persecution, homelessness, and who will, if they are lucky enough to reach adult years will make what lives they can. tricia I don't dispute your love and sincerity in explaining how things were to your children but I still think no apology should be seen as necessary.
Why oh why do mothers feel guilty - or why are they made to?
A relationship involves two sides, it involves give and take, OP's son sounds as if he has done plenty of taking, it is time he grew up and tried giving something back.

bee63,you have struggled through hardship and done your best to raise 3 children,that sounds like a good mum to me.Why don't you write down your feelings briefly and give or post it to your son?That way,you can say what you would like him to know and he will have time to think about it.
I do hope that things improve for you and wish you all the best.

I've come to the conclusion that our children will never love us the same as we love them. It was our choice to have them - they owe us nothing. They have no obligation to keep in touch - if we want to stay close it's up to us to do the running. Sorry if it sounds harsh but over the years I've figured out a bit of human nature and why our kids are sometimes thoughtless.