What's wrong with my lovely daughter?

You are right that cleaning and tidying the house is just dealing with the symptoms, gillybob. The trouble is deeper than just her not getting round to it. You may be helping the immediate surroundings, but unless she can tell you what is really troubling her, it is just re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

Can you get her to talk when she is round at yours? Maybe the nice but fushionless bloke is starting to annoy her and she can't be bothered cleaning round him? Maybe she is bored with never going anywhere and needs a bit of a spark in her life? Maybe it is all on top of her and she is in danger of depression?

As usual, it all seems to be falling on your shoulders.

Hiya Gillybob. Am I right in thinking that, as the boyfriend lives in another town, she is mainly on her own at the house? My younger DD lives on her own and she is a bit similar to this. She is very tired when she gets in from work and so does'n t get round to doing much clearing up. In fact, she sometimes goes to bed at 8 o'clock, and then gets up in the night to have a quick tidy! And, of course, it's not enough, and it can mount up and then it gets on top of her. And then at weekends she just wants to get away from it!

I'm not sure what the answer is. I think a bit of loneliness, and perhaps even depression, plays a part. I'm not being very helpful because I don't think there is much we can do for them, apart from having the occasional go at it ourselves. Maybe it's just the way they live these days. And partly down to nature. DD was never tidy when she lived at home.

Could you persuade her to see her GP ? It seems possible she is depressed. Even if this is not the case she may open up to him/her rather than her mum.
No matter what their age, we never stop worrying about them do we.

Thankyou for your prompt replies Elegran and Jings much appreciated.

Yes Elegran I think you are right and there is something really troubling her but I don't know how to get to the bottom of it. The long term realationship she had with the RAF rat (you may recall he disappeared but thoughtfully left his debt behind and we couldn't trace him) seemed to sap all of her confidence and she has never been the same since. She also seems to be buying stupid things that she clearly doesn't need as though she is making up for something. I do think she is bored, who wouldn't be? and it would seem she has nothing to look forward to anymore. It is the thought that she may be suffering from depression that worries me the most.

Yes jings she does spend a lot of time on her own. They both work shifts and have weeks when they don't see each other at all. She doesn't have a large group of friends but the few she does have either work shifts also or are married with children and have little time to spare. As I said my DD has never been exactly "into" housework but this has gone to a whole new level after yesterday. I can recognise what you say about your own DD when you say she comes in from work very tired and crashes at 8pm as mine does the same (without getting up to tidy it would seem). Also it is very hard for her to fulfill any hobbies due to constantly changing work patterns. She loves drama, cooking and making things (any sort of craft) but mostly ends up sitting on her own. I agree that nature does play a part but I dont think she can possibly be happy living like this.

Gillybob How did your lovely DD keep her space when she lived at home was she clean & tidy in her own room,is this totally out of character for her ? I would say she is a bit down on her self esteem at the moment after the shock of the previous relationship it does take a while to get over and to not have a boyfriend who can see this is not helping do you think ?
Can you not invite her to stay with you for a few days and see first hand how she is in herself and maybe have a one to one chat about how you feel about it,does she have any single girlfriends she can pal up with for days/nights out maybe she needs to enjoy some time without the ties of a relationship for a while.

They have to work so hard these days. They get exhausted. I really feel for them. When DD left here yesterday (after a family celebration) she said, "Oh well. One foot in front of the other".

You're right Glamma. Girlfriends can be a blessing for getting them out of themselves.

Gillybob

I have found myself in a similar position over the past 18 months.

My daughter has just gone through a divorce, it has been 'kind of' amicable but even then it was obvious depression and a feeling of having 'no self worth' had crept into my daughters life. At one time she and my DGD lived with us for a while. I think that has possibly been a scenario quite a few GN's may have experienced at one time or another sadly.

During this horrible period her home etc. meant very little, she couldn't see it! She was not able to think straight.!

All we could do was be there, help with the house and garden, offer support, as you are obviously doing for the love of your daughter. Things have turned a corner, although it is always one step forward two steps back, bugger it, however it has been a roller coaster and she has come out of it with more confidence and is looking pretty self reliant once more.

I am sorry I cannot offer constructive points but I could read the heartache in your post and I guess all I could offer is empathy with a dash of hope. I hope as time passes things will level out but it will take honesty on your part but handled with utmost care.

Oh dear its does sound like depression doesn't it. The problem is that people often don't want to admit depression as it feels like failure and there seems to be a stigma attached to it. Its a high pressure world at work these days. It seems that she just wants her Mum which is not a bad thing. If it were me I'd try to spend as much time with her as as possible with a few pampering treats like a nice home baked cake thrown in- wear her reserve down with kindness and it wont be long before she spills the beans. As for housework etc she wont be feeling like doing it and the worse it gets the less she will feel like attacking it so she is going to need all the help she can get even if they are only symptoms they can really get you down and make matters worse. I hope she is feeling better soon and that its not too much for you.

Only just seen this gilly - I hope you can get to the bottom of what's going on, but it does sound as though she needs some help to regain her confidence. Is the job what she really wants to do, or a stepping stone to something else, or a dead-end?
I think the 20s can be a difficult time - when they are at school, the stepping stones in life all happen at more or less the same time as their group of friends. Then afterwards, paths diverge and comparisons with their peer group become more stark. Perhaps your DD is comparing herself unfavourably with former friends who are in happier situations?
I think the housework thing is a vicious circle.
You feel low, so you don't bother. Then because the place is a tip, you feel even worse. I'm sure you helping to sort it will make her feel better and perhaps will be the catalyst for her opening up to you about what's really going on.
((Big hug))

Gilliybob Does she seem unhappy in the relationship? Are the any power and control issues or domestic abuse in other ways?

How did she react when you saw the state of the place?

How about taking her out for lunch and raising your concerns with her.
She might be reluctant to off load on you but she might just appreciate someone knowing that she is feeling down and not have to pretend everything is OK.

She has always been a bit untidy Glamma although quite clean. But this was a whole different level of untidy. Also I am ashamed to say the house wasn't very clean either. She couldn't stay with me during working days as she would not beable to get to work from mine very easily. She does stay often when she is off work though. Its sad but she doesn't seem to have many friends these days. She is quite shy and seems to have very low self confidence of late. She knows she is welcome at "home" anytime but I don't think its doing her any good when she should be having fun with people her own age.

That could have been "my" daughter jings everything she says seems to be with a big sigh.... when we left hers last night it was as though she didn't know what to do once we had gone home.

I'm not sure how long I can continue to blame her ex though*POGS*. Yes he was a rat but she seemed to be doing a lot better but now its as though she has gone back over (as you say one forward, two back) and has given up caring about herself and the house. She doesn't seem to laugh much anymore and hardly ever goes out. I feel like a terrible mother now thinking of her sitting on her own amid the chaos but it is so hard trying to keep all the balls in the air as it is. Perhaps I need to spend less time looking after the oldies and the young ones in my family and spend more time looking after my daughter.

I agree that I need to try and spend more time with herTeetime and also that the worse state the house gets in the least she would be able to tackle it. I am good at getting stuck in but what i really want is for her to get her pride back both in herself and her lovely little home.

Thank you all again for wise and kind words. to you all. x

Oh it's most definitely a dead end job JaneA. She has a good degree and went through the McDonalds management program (which is one of the best retail management training programs there is). She was climbing the ladder but left when her store got sold to a franchisee (a whole other issue here). She then went to a coffee chain (the most famous one) and was promised the earth but is stuck doing a store managers job (complete with all the responsibility) for a shift managers pay. She takes on all the cr*p herself and ends up working the worst hours that no-one else will do. The company are well and truly laughing all the way to the bank! I have found lots of better jobs online that she could do with her eyes closed but she just says NO. I don't think she has the confidence to change. You have hit the nail on the head with her friends being in better places. The group of friends she had after uni have all gone their separate ways. some married, some in really good jobs and she probably thinks to herself that she has neither.

Nellie the new boyfriend is actually a recycled boyfriend from teenage years. They split up when she went to uni as she had ambition and he did not. What on earth happened to it I don't know. He is still in the factory job he took after he left school. He is a lovely gentle lad but has no get up and go whatsoever. Definitely no abuse there. When I walked in yesterday I was so shocked. My face must have spoke volumes and she just sighed and said "yes, I know". I then said "well I'm getting stuck in here, you can't live like this, its disgusting! " she seemed sad and I very much regret the way I spoke to her like a naughty child.

Gilly She might be pleased you have gone in and helped if she is feeling really down she needs a bit of help to get going.

Apologise if to her if you had thought you sounded rude and offer to help again.
She does sound as if she wants help from you because she wants to spend time with you. Is she saying Mum please come and make it all better for me?
Would she see an employment consultant or such.
The trouble is if she feels down about her job, she probably feels useless so she has lost the confidence to face any new challenge.

She needs the very caring version of a kick up the backside, poor lass.

Oh dear gilly I'm so sorry. It sounds as though she has neglected the house for a while and the disorder and suchlike has just continued to build to the extent that she can't cope with making a start on it. Almost like someone who overeats, becomes obese and can't see any way of being slim again - it just seems too big a task.

It could be once you've managed to sort out the practical jobs and the house and garden are clean and tidy, it will give her the impetus to continue to keep it that way.

But I agree with you and others, this is just how her emotional problems are manifesting themselves. She really needs a good "best friend" doesn't she? Someone to let off steam with and talk to and take her out of herself. What a difficult situation for you, sorry I can't offer any useful advice x

Gilly Don't worry about speaking to her like a naughty child. It's perhaps what she needed.
I don't mean that in a nasty authoritarian way, I mean that she needed to feel like a child again, with you as her mum, taking her problems and responsibilities away for her.
It will only be temporary I'm sure - with you to support her, she'll get back on her feet.
I'm not sure going to the doctor with ? depression is the answer - I think if she needs help, maybe mentoring or life-coaching would help her be more assertive about her needs at work, and make her see that she really is capable of holding her life together by herself.

She needs some friends who aren't married and busy with children - either old friends or new ones - who she can socialise with and chat to.

Also I would recommend a little book called Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston - you don't have to believe the feng shui aspects but the author encourages people to sort out their homes as part of a personal development process.

It is definitely a vicious circle - you feel depressed, can't find the energy to tidy up, then your environment makes you feel more depressed.

I am thinking the same as jane, it does sound like every thing has become too hard at the moment. Some help from mum and a life coach may give her that boost she needs.

gillybob have you talked to her about pregnancy ? As she is nearing her 30's perhaps she is longing for a baby but not seeing this as viable with the current boyfriend. Possibly she is looking longingly at her brother's lovely family and wishing she could have the same. Life is so much more complicated for young people now and it can be like treading on eggshells. I hope you can get to the bottom of it

A useful resource for getting organised is www.flylady.net. It's all about doing a little at a time, being kind to yourself and not getting burned out.

It does sound,tho, as if the job is sapping all her energy and pushing her into depression. Can you talk to her about that and encourage her to stop taking all the cr*p shifts, so that she can start to have a life of her own?

If you are able to take on the cleaning of her home, for a limited time, offer to do that but make sure it's what she wants and that she doesn't feel a failure because of it being done.

and to you, gillybob, and to your daughter.

gilly your DD as been through a lot these last couple of years. Have some girly time together and see if she will open up to you.
Could there be something going on in her relationship that you have been unaware of, behind closed doors and all that ???

I can't really add much to the above, gillybob. I do hope your DD manages to regain her confidence and self esteem. All you can do is continue to support. That's what we mums are for.

I'm sending you instead of because it sounds like you could do with it.

As you mention she is staying a lot at your house and even comes in to work with you sometimes I wonder if there is something she wants to talk to you about but doesn't know how to broach whatever it is. Perhaps she is hoping you will instigate the conversation.

Also, it does sound very much like she is depressed, given that the house and garden were in a much worse state than you have ever seen previously. Do you think she is eating properly? If she works long and antisocial hours it's easy to resort to "snacking" and that might partly account for her lack of energy. As she is feeling very down at the moment, I think perhaps for a few weeks some help in the house (and maybe a couple of meals for the freezer) might remove some pressure.

It's often the sweetest, kindest people that people take advantage of- and it seems from what you say that various employers (and others) have not played fair. I can understand why she feels disheartened and has lost confidence, but at least she has a family that loves and helps her - that must give her some comfort.

I do hope that your daughter soon feels better.

gilly I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter is having such a bad time. It does sound very much like depression. Would she see her GP do you think?
Perhaps she could be referred to a counsellor who may be able to help her.