There have been a couple of discussions lately about ending a relationship and I am tantalised by those who are so much happier afterwards and I wonder how one knows it's the right thing to do?
We've been married 30 years. He's a good, kind, hardworking man (though he can be stubborn and emotionally distant, can't we all!), I still think he's attractive, we're reasonably good friends, I enjoy his company some of the time.
I suppose the thing is me, I'm 60, both my parents were dead by the age of 63. The thing my husband isn't is adventurous and our life has been quiet - three children (one just returned home for a year working locally, one still to graduate), getting by financially just, yearly holidays mostly camping in France, seeing a few films, reading books. No close joint friends (he has never been good at socializing though lately he's joined a choir and seems to be branching out on that score). He's quite an intellectual, an ideas person. I've always been more hands-on, I like growing things, art, physical activity. I feel that my life has got subsumed in being there for the children while he worked long hours doing things he really enjoyed. My fault that, I know and I regret now that I didn't staying working full time, too late for that one!
Now I feel utterly confused. Many will immediately respond, I know, by saying 'you don't know how lucky you are'. I feel a desperate sense of life slipping away and having done nothing of worth except breed. I hate where we live (midlands city). I want to be somewhere wilder, north or west, somewhere where people speak in the street and there is a beautiful landscape, a beach to walk on.
I am tantalised by the thought that if we split and sold the house I would have enough money to buy something for myself somewhere and I would be free to do what I wanted or to find out what that was. He knows I'm unhappy and says yes, we must move, but frankly he's in a partnership with an old friend, they've got a consultancy going they both enjoy, he likes city life and access to libraries and cinemas. I suspect it'll never happen.
These days it seems to me everyone travels everywhere, people do such exciting things, I feel dull and as though when I do meet people I have nothing to say. Where I live is full of university people (the university dominates the city) and they make me feel stupid.
Please don't tear me to pieces, I am nervous writing this and I am not so stupid that I can't see that walking away would mean losing a lot. So that's why I wonder how do people know that they want to walk away so clearly that they do.
Thank you for reading, didn't mean to write so many words.
Last weekend, in Rutland, the first statue in Britain of the late Elizabeth II was unveiled.