Letting go

Welcome Nanventurer
Sadly seems to be a recurring situation for so many Gransnetters, heartbreaking for all of you. I am sure you will get some sound advice and support from others who will know what are going through.

Hi, Nanventurer! First of all, I had to laugh at your post as it appeared under 'Last Hour'. It said 'I'm so glad I found this site and I've enjoyed taking a pee.........' Perhaps that will cheer you up a little.

I'm so sorry you are having a bad time with your family. You seem to have done all the right things so far. I recommend keeping the lines of communication open perhaps by sending birthday and Christmas cards and, if you can bear it, by telephoning occasionally to see if all is well. You could also write regular letters to your little grandson when he is older. Of course, there is no guarantee he will see them but at least you are doing your part in keeping in touch.

I think the worst thing you could do would be to attempt to come between your son and his partner. From what you say, they are both making demands on you but it may be that one is more determined than the other. It's Christmas next week - could you give your son a call and suggest a visit in order to deliver your grandson's Christmas presents? They may well be regretting what they did but not know how to approach you now, so a call from you might have good results

How sad this has happened but it seems to be an all too familiar story to what is really holding you to ransom to enable you to see your DGS,I would stick to my guns and see how things pan out over the next few months and don't worry your little man will not forget you at all (but I know that doesn't make you feel any better) well done on the bank account but make sure only you can access it in the future.
Do you have any other children who can speak to your boy and tell him how unfair he is being ? Are you able to talk to your DIL about the problem or is she of the same opinion as your son.
Our children are so demanding sometimes and a period where they have to manage on their own will not harm them,he may realise how much your input to his lifestyle has helped him in the past and become responsible for his own bills.Keep the door open to them but don't be browbeaten into returning to the way things where,just tell them the money tree had dried up sorry !! Best wishes x

Just read post from glammanana and I agree with her that you should make sure your son and DiL cannot access the account and also that you should not give in over the money other than for a life or death issue. Point out to them that you may need your money to pay for care later in life - or are they going to chip in to pay for the nursing home?

I personally would not tell them that you have opened an acount for your GDS. What a despicable way to treat you and your DH, mainly as cash cows. It took a lot of courage to stop the monthly flow, let them live within their means as the rest of us try to do.

So sad. Maybe you could take a look at the Cut out of their Lives thread on the Am I Being Unreasonable forum. It may help you to read other similar stories.

Thank you very much for feedback. Not possible to contact them by phone as they changed their numbers within a week. Been to their house several times with gifts etc and the door has been shut in my face if door been opened at all. On last occasion my son's partner's brother threatened to hurt me if I returned to their street. Unfortunately, I know I have probably made matters worse by sending a final message to the partner's mother to say I will be there for my son to make a fresh start once he has removed himself from the clutches of a family that have extorted thousands from me. We just grew tired of their money being spent on concerts and gadgets and then pressure was put on us to pay for the essentials such as food and rent. The maternal grandmother is just the same and I have oftener discovered my emergency handouts have been divied up between two households. My son has cut himself off from my whole family and my other son is severely disabled so he has also been affected by the estrangement but does not understand why he hasn't seen his brother of the small person for a long time. I know it isn't politically correct and we're supposed to be forever ready to fall on our knees for our children but he is 25. This behaviour when he was a boy would have triggered an hour in his bedroom to think about his selfishness! Thank you for welcoming me x

Oh my goodness Nanventurer, what an awful situation for you, certainly seems you have made a wise decision especially when threatened with violence from your son's partner's family, they do sound a very dysfunctional set up that has sucked in your son. I really do feel for you sent your way.

This all sounds very grim - so sorry that you are going through this.

Thank you and I look forward to being of help to others when I can be.

How awful, it sounds as if he has a lot of growing up to do.

Blow being 'politically correct', he's an adult behaving in an appalling way and using your DGC as a pawn. Now the handouts have ended I hope he comes to his senses pdq.

My heart goes out to you.

Hopefully your son will see his wife and her family for what they are spongers and the lowest of the low.

I live in the hope that my son will see his wife for what she is, a good actress, manipulative who married him for a meal ticket.

She as caused trouble in our family this New Year, a family I might say who have up till now been close and loving it breaks my heart.

So sorry to hear this.

I'm presuming you've not opened the bank accoung in your grandson's name as you would need to have produced his birth certificate and his parents need to confirm by signing that he not eligible to pay tax in his account.

I trust yoh have made a will in which you make it clear that this money is for your grandson and is to be held in trust until he is x years old.

That's good advice from Anya.

I'm so very sorry Nanventurer to learn that your son has cut you out of his life and is denying you and your grandson the relationship you've had for 4 years.

I regularly post on the 'Cut out of their lives' thread referred to by KatyK. Our only grand child was 3 yesterday and we've been denied contact since he was 8 months old.

Accepting that your son no longer wants you in his life is a difficult and painful process and it's intensified 100 fold when as a result you are no longer allowed to be the loving grandparents you so desperately want to be.

It's been described as a living bereavement and that's precisely what it is.

Sadly, there appears to be an increasing number of parents and grandparents who are being treated in this appalling way, each of whom have their own way of trying to deal with the nightmare that's engulfed their lives.

We are gradually learning to come to terms with our son's rejection. The silent treatment is terrible but for us, preferable to the lies and abuse we've been subjected too over the last two and a half years.

I've kept poems that I've written for our grand child and 'letters'. I always buy 2 birthday and Christmas cards, when they haven't been returned I know they'll have been thrown away so I make sure I always have a spare. All of these things together with little keepsakes that we purchase from time to time will go in to a memory box for him that we've specified in our wills he is to receive.

Like jeanie99 we too hope that our son will see his wife for what she really is but for now, all we can do is learn to accept that he's gone and unless that time ever comes, will not be coming back to us.

My heart goes out to you.

There is so much of this sort of thing going on. It causes such distress. I have had the times when I am ignored and then the time comes when something is needed. The last time it was medication was needed in the middle of the night. I got up, got dressed and off I went with the meds. Next day I got a load of cheek from the partner/husband.
The next thing was yet again all our side were ignored over Christmas and New Year while the other Granny was visited on both days. I have heard from an ex husband that this has been done to him too several times. He has had dinners made and they just dont turn up.
I had already decided that this was probably the last Christmas that I was going to hope for a visit/invitation. I had even bought the children "remember me" type of presents. There was an altercation over something else that was done and that was the final straw.
I am off now to life my life where I want to be not where I am expected to be. I will not be responding to any more desperate calls. The sad thing is that I was told the children needed warm clothes for the winter, which I also bought. The kids dont have the clothes, they are still in Christmas Wrapping paper. Poor kids!
~It is hard to walk away but much ill health later I am not prepared to risk my health any more! Sorry if this sounds too hard.
Sugarpufffairy

There comes a point where you have, I imagine, to draw a line in order to preserve your sanity and health Sugarpuffairy. ((Hugs)) x

You're absolutely right loopylou the time does come when you have to protect yourself. I read a book a few months ago and the author described this as 'the devils' dilemma'. It goes against every instinct as a parent to take that physical and emotional 'walk' away from your own child.

Last year while in Aus. visiting our S, my dear hubby spent a day in hospital having various tests to rule out a suspected heart attack. When they all came back clear thank God, the doctor told us about sad heart syndrome. Prolonged and unbroken periods of stress, anxiety and heartbreak can actually damage the heart muscle. His was fine, but it came as quite a shock to learn that this can actually happen.

Your post didn't come across as hard at all Sugarpuffairy; I know what it's like, how it makes you feel physically and emotionally.for you.

Hi Smileless2012,
Wow now I am really worried. I have not heard of sad heart syndrome. I have had DD1 going on like this for 21 years. During the same time I was carer for my granny, my mum and my dad. I also had a child at school, I was working and a single parent. My dad blamed two people for my mum's death one being my DD1 and the other my evil absent sister. Both of them have had a go at me since the deaths of all my elders and those who protected me. Both parents and one grandfather all had heart conditions which killed them, two grandparents had strokes and they died after the strokes. I had a stroke in 2005 as a result of all the pressure and there was no let up even after that. I think I need to get myself to the GP and see what she knows about sad heart syndrome.
I am staying well out the way of DD1 and I try not to get all stressed when DD2 does all the shouting. I really do have to get out of this for physical and mental health reasons.
Thanks for alerting me Smileless and for the flowers! Your understanding is a great comfort to me. Thanks.

Oh dear Sugarpufffairy I'm really sorry if I've made you worryand also sorry for not responding to your lovely post and thanking you for the flowers until now.

Hubby and I were both shocked when we were told about sad heart syndrome but when I'd had time to digest what we'd been told, it did make sense. It stands to reason that particularly distressing situations that go on and on are going to impact on us physically as well as emotionally.

Popping along to see your GP having had a stroke is a good idea. If you've been I hope all was well, and if you haven't been yet, I hope all goes well. You're doing the right thing staying well out of the way; stay strong.

I'm away tomorrow for a few days and I am glad now. I already have three heart conditions, have a DD who has told me never to get in touch with her or to send her children anything again and I have a DS who has just had me in a shouting match all because I asked him to go to the shop! It goes between him not speaking to me to balling me out and he puts me down most days. He is 18 in May. I cannot wait until he goes to university next year and if he does not go, then he can still leave home. I have done my bit and it is time for me to have me to myself for the first time in my life. I was brought up in a war zone with parents taking chunks out of each other, my ex husband was violent with me and abusive in other ways. I have had my fill and want some peace and tranquility in my life now. I am just going to have to switch off where DS is concerned until he leaves, do my own thing but it is not easy to share a home with someone who is making your life less than it should be.

My heart goes out to all who are suffering in this way with their children. There's items reported on tele and in the news about domestic abuse and about children being abused but never about children abusing their parents. Maybe this should come to light a bit more as it seems like it is becoming more common. Please just try to look after yourselves, it is hard, very hard but we also only have one chance of a happy life to and we deserve it.

Hi Smileless 2012
I have not been to the Dr yet but going to the surgery on Wednesday and will mention the sad heart syndrome. It stands to reason that all the stress of adult children being difficult will not be good for the older grandparents. I have not heard from DD1 and that is fine. I have matters to I am demended that I give money, it was even tried to get my late father to buy a house for DD1 and family 2 months before he died after being an invalid for 35 years. There is a piece on control of older people by not allowing them to see the grandchildren unless they co-operate with demands. People are beginning to see that adults and older people are being abused unfortunately there is not much action on it. I was told that Social Services were responsible to ensure the safety of vulnerable adults but as we know they did not save baby P or a whole list of other children so why would we hope that the would take Elder Abuse seriously.
It is up to ourselves how much we are prepared to take from out children and their partners. I am pretty much at the end of the road. I have been ill but putting on weight now and feeling a lot better than I was. I am better placed now to deal with this. Before his death my dad was told that my children were not being nice to me by nursing staff in the hospital. It has to stop. We can walk away with heavy hearts but what about the children who have to live with people who are so nasty and too stupid to realise that they will one day be grandparents.
Hugs to all going through this kind of thing
Sugarpufffairy

Hope your visit to your GP goes well Sugarpufffairy. It's good to know that you're health is improving; stress and heart ache are easier to deal with when feeling well physically.

I know of grandparents who have their grandchildren all the time when the parents are at work, some who are struggling to cope but are fearful of saying so in case their children and/or their partners fall out with them and they're stopped from seeing them all together.

Using children as emotional blackmail or weapons to inflict pain on their grandparents is indeed abuse. Not only are they too nasty and stupid to realize that one day they could be grandparents, they're also too nasty and stupid to see that they're depriving their own children of grandparents who simply want to love them. I doubt they'll thank their parents later in life.

How awful rubylady, this is terrible behavior from a young man who at almost 18 should certainly know better. Is he expecting to receive some financial support from you when at University? If he is, and if he was my son, he'd have to think again.

Easier said than done I fully understand especially with the situation with your daughter, but have you tried bringing him in to line by refusing to cook, clean, wash & iron and shop for him? He's old enough to be able to do these things for himself and if he wants his mum to do them for him, he should repay you with love and kindness, not harsh words and bad behavior.

Enjoy your break, sounds like you deserve one and it might do your son some good to have to fend for himself for a couple of days. Follow the kind and thoughtful advice you've given here and take care of yourself.