Starting Again at 55

I feel for you Gingersilk.

I met and married my hub (Lovely man) in my 50's and started my own business at 57.
I could have expanded, but I chose to keep it small and now feel I have a great work/life balance, if not an awful lot of money.
I met my hub at Nexus, which is a great social organisation and we both started there at the same time, both having had partners who'd been unfaithful.
We joined in the activities and gradually, very gradually, we began to trust each other and... well we're still together.
All this might be well in the future for you, but there is a future after an abusive marriage.
I do wish you well x

Thank you Mrs Pickle. Husband originally left me last November. I actually felt quite at peace with it, but he changed his mind within 3 days and begged to come back. I held out for a month, but between his pressure, some of the family buying into his I'm changed schtik and the letters and texts he sent promising me everything he knew I longed for in the marriage, I let him back.
Whereupon he promptly did not one single thing, and last again last weekend. Then said he was trying to decide whether to give it another go or not. I finally womaned up this afternoon and said enough's enough.
This time though I'm feeling very sad and hurt. Disappointed in myself too for believing his lies.
Your story gives me hope, Mrs P.

Well- first of all - jolly well done indeed for escaping this negative relationship and emerging the other side. In the end you will be stronger - it may not feel like this right now, but you certainly will.

Of course you are exhausted, so, first things first, have a bit of a rest! - you have earned it. You are not in financial straits and can afford to take your time to find the right thing for you. Have a breather first.

As someone who started a completely new career at the age of 50, in spite of having 3 children at school and a sick husband who could only work part time, I do have some experience of starting again. Why did I do it? Because life is too short and you only get one go at it! I became a freelance photographer. Having trained part time at the local art college) I found enough work in photography, picture editing, magazine co-ordinating, arts outreach, running singing workshops etc.

First question is - do you want to work for someone else and have to be under pressure to be where they want at the time they want; or might it be an idea to work for yourself?........or to expand your voluntary work? Less pressure is good.

Another point is that you do not need to put all your eggs in one basket - as you will see above, I had an assortment of roles during the last part of my working life and enjoyed the variety immensely.

Your CV will be heaving with the sort of experience that will be of value to employers, but your age might be a stumbling block in some applications - there are posters on here who know that only too well. As you will be aware you will need to talk up your experience at every opportunity.

I wish I was 55 again and setting out on a new phase of my life - I would be very excited. I am quite envious of you! And I wish you lots of good luck on this new journey.

Nothing useful to say, GingerSilk apart from good for you! And

My daughter came out of a 23yr marriage 6 months ago although there was no abuse or anything approaching it.She is almost 50 and has 2 children but on Monday she is starting a new job that she is really excited about even though it will be hard as one GC is not strong and is having home schooling but she is determined to do the best for them and for herself.Although she does not have your probs of an unhappy relationship to overcome, she does feel the failure of the marriage and they both feel they have let the children down.
I wish you all the luck in the world in overcoming your problems. You sound very intelligent and resourceful and will come through this.

Mishap, that is very inspiring. One life indeed, I want to make the most of this chance to start again. Not be crippled by regrets or lack of confidence. Seize the day. Though at the moment when the day turns up I just want it to go away again.

Thanks Ariadne, flowers always appreciated.

I know I will come through it annsixty, it's the actual getting through it that can be daunting.

As well as raising a large family, surviving an abusive marriage( not that I'd put those on my cv), I also cared for my mother when she had terminal cancer then my dad during his long descent into dementia.

My turn. Not that I begrudge a minute of the caring, either for my children or my parents.

Bringing up children and your caring roles should go on your CV - they certainly went on all of mine. And I used that experience during interviews if the transferable skills from those roles were relevant to the question. Never underestimate what you have learned from those roles and how valuable these skills are to employers. Just being able to talk those up with confidence gives you brownie points.

I'll have to note down what possible transferable skills I might have. Apart from super-human amounts of patience, of course.

Others could be organisational, negotiating, budgeting, confidentiality, time keeping,...... There are many more I'm sure GingerSilk
I wish you lots of luck, and x

Of course, looplou! Hadn't thought of any of those. Not surprisingly as my brain and heart are a little frazzled right now.

This all gives me a great deal of hope. I was thinking I had royally screwed up my life. Maybe not..

Definitely not screwed your life up, this is a new, fresh start.
As Mishap said, give yourself a breather, be kind to you and enjoy having what I call 'me time', you deserve it.
I'm sure others on here will come up with more skills you could consider.
Take care

Oh Gingersilk what a brave and inspirational woman you are! I am sure there is a new role waiting for you somewhere but as Mishap says, give yourself a breather whilst you recover from the trauma of the marriage split. Be kind to yourself. Until you find the way forward you need to muster your physical and emotional strength. No wonder you feel frazzled!

Do you have supportive children? I hope so and that they know and acknowledge what a hard path you have trodden. Keep strong and take it a day at a time when the strength wanes a bit. and just for you.

Yes, you're right, I need to give myself a bit of a break. I'm coming over all "I'll end up in the workhouse!". Which is ridiculous considering what I already know about divorce settlement.

Husband's shenanigans have left me feeling insecure. You'd almost think they were meant to.

GingerSilk....all power to you.....there will be life after this I promise.

A bit of counselling to build you back up might be one way to go - these bullies are very good at chipping away at our personalities and just like the Julia Roberts character in 'Pretty Woman', we all tend to believe the bad stuff they say until we cannot see any good in ourselves at all.

You need to regain your confidence - and as my councillor says, treat yourself with compassion....its not been your fault, you were the good guy here....you deserve a future and happiness. Go girl!

Feeling frazzled is very understandable under the circumstances and is the prime reason for taking a breather first, taking some time to look after yourself and then plunge in on a new road with all your valuable skills.

Right, some self nurturing.......

Bit out of practise with that.

Well done. I did it after 22 years. Sold the house and fortunately had enough to buy a modest home without mortgage for myself and my son who was in second year uni. Hadn't an extra penny. Happily my employer was glad to make my 12 hours a week up to full time. Not well paid but just enough. I had a home and a 9 year old car.

Then my mood dropped, I was sad. My doctor explained that it was a kind of grief for what could have been, but had not been. I also felt compassion for my ex, I felt guilty because he had not wanted divorce. But the circumstances of the marriage were such that I was on the way to a breakdown if I had stayed any longer. Ex had been paranoid psychotic for all of the 22 years, and hospitalized many times.

You have made the hard decision. Now you go forward. You are secure in the knowledge that you will have a home and a settlement.

The rest is an adventure.

After you've had a bit of a rest, would it help to imagine that GingerSilk has come to you at the CAB, for advice on re-starting her life?
What advice would you give her? Do you know of organisations in your area which could help & advise her?
and to you while you recuperate.

Yup. I agree with all the other advice. If it really has only been a matter of a few hours can I respectfully suggest a practical matter - change the locks? You say you split then he came back. Now he's gone make sure he really has. You've got a task ahead of you to rebuild your life but it certainly sounds like you've got the bricks (to be metaphorical!). Go for it and enjoy your freedom!

Congratulations. You have done what so many only wish of. I left after 19 years chand had to go into a council house because he wouldn't leave but he was violent so I had no choice. That was over 13 years ago and life does go on, and happier. Even if I am feeling crap like today it is still better than being with him.

Baby steps. Buy a pad of paper, write a list every day:-

Get up, make a cup of tea, take a shower, get dressed, take a walk, make some phone calls, relax with book, take a nap, chat to us GNers.

You get the idea, but as you cross off the most obvious, like get up, then you can say you have done something. Then take baby steps for the first few weeks. Break down your day into hour segments and get them over with a bit at a time. Don't think of the day as a whole. It makes it easier. It will get easier as time goes on but you need this just now.

Can you take a holiday or a short break? If not do some things which you enjoy for a couple of weeks, have a brain break. After that thoughts, ideas will start to come to you as to what you want to do with your future. But it is better to take a little time to think about it than rush headlong into it just now and then need some time off because you get burnt out.

It will all come together, you are certainly not passed it. You deserve this time for yourself, do not feel guilty for taking it. This is your life. Be good to yourself and well done for making a decision which will be the best for your health and mind in the long run.

Great post rubylady. Excellent advice to op.

First of well, well done.

Glad you are getting some good advice on here.

On the work front, I would advise that you get careers books out of the library.
And work through that. There used to be one, I dont know if there still is, that also lists things like salary, and entry qualifications etc.

Second the advice to change locks and also take any steps to safeguard any finances.....also change computer passwords. I've learned that even the most level headed person can become spiteful if they can find a way into a bank account.

Well done, GingerSilk. You will be more confident and happier, though it can take time. Also well done for getting involved with the CAB. My time as an adviser was most rewarding, although I gave it up 18 months ago, fed up with all the so-called 'reforms' in the benefits systems. I know that there are paid jobs available in CAB: managers, trainers, specialist advisers (debt and employment for example). With your life experience and CAB training, it might be possible to use your contacts to find out about what's available.