DIL is a challenge

She's a new first time Mum - maybe you need to cut her a bit of slack for a bit. She sounds anxious and frightened. Don't write her off yet - you have many years of enjoyment with your new grandchild to come if you play it right at this stage.

It will not have done anything for her confidence that the babe fell asleep for the MIL!!! You are going to have to be tactful here - but above all accept that she is your son's choice and do all you can to affirm that and not undermine it.

Oh dear. Well now you've got it off your chest here, do take some time to reflect . Mishaps advice is excellent. You have said some things that really me - for example 'your son's money' Really? The baby is only 3 weeks old -I wonder if she picks up on your disapproval of her? Be careful - think about the long term.

Insecurity, a touch of PND, sensing you don't understand the relationship they have - maybe she isn't the person you would have chosen, but I think you have to accept her, or you will drive your DS away.

I would never have picked my own SiL, but know that my DD loves him dearly, so plaster the biggest smile on my face ever when I see him. I suspect it's how so many nationalities came to choose partners for their DCs by tradition!

Baby is three weeks old! She is probably dead beat. Maybe she wanted a bit of time to herself, and feeding the baby was an excellent excuse for removing herself from the room. I have done it myself!

As G2 says, if she pickes up on your disapproval of her, which looks as though it was there well before baby arrived, your visit will have been stressful for a mum who is only just finding her own routine.

She is your son's wife, what is his is hers. They must find their own balance of living. You can't impose yours. Look for her good points and emphasise those to yourself. She has lots, even if you have not noticed them yet. You brought up your son well, surely he has the ability to pick a suitable wife for himself?

Excellent post Elegran

jeannie* - you really do not sound as though you like this young lady at all and I am sure she senses that - why would she want to stick around when you are there if you do not like her? She is finding her feet as a new Mum and will be very tired indeed - the last thing she needs is a disapproving MIL around! I think that escaping to the bedroom was a very god idea!

How they spend their money is their business. And "how she treats our son" is also a private matter and is his choice.

There is a baby involved now and you need to do all you can to support and strengthen their relationship, whether you like her or not. They are parents now and need support and kindness to fulfill that role well.

My DDs chose their partners and at the beginning sometimes I felt surprised by their choices - but I put my faith in them and all my SILs have come up trumps.

There are obviously occasions when mistakes are made and need to be rectified later, but it sounds as though your son is happy with his choice, so you need to be too. Give them your love - both of them - that is all they need.

I Echo all that Elegran says. This new Mum will fully appreciate that you view her very negatively. She is your Son's wife and the Mother of your Grandchild. I'd be very careful how you handle this as you are the only one who is going to loose out in the long run if you do not tone down your feelings. Sorry to sound so abrupt but I really do think you need to take a good look at the attitude you bring to the relationship.

This young couple need your support, they are a family now and if you are lucky you will be included in it.

You said " I talked with my son " ........ did you not include DIL in the conversation ?

They are a couple - is the money that comes into the house not 'theirs'?

She is a new mum with a 3 week old baby, worrying about how she will manage on her own. That is quite understandable. Did you chat to her as well, ask her how she is feeling, take her some flowers, give her a hug, or just concentrate on the baby and your son?

Wise advice above. She sounds stressed and is obviously scared about being on her own with the baby. Perfectly understandable.

She has a new baby and is probably tired and stressed. I would imagine she is well aware of your feelings about her so it's hardly surprising she is not that keen to spend time in your presence.

Perhaps if you could see her more as a newly acquired daughter rather than as some sort of unwelcome interloper who is ruining your son's life, your relationship with her may improve. You are obviously unhappy about the situation but you may feel a whole lot unhappier if you find yourself increasingly unwelcome in their home.

Sadly you sound just like my MIL who never approved of me and made her feelings very clear from day 1, long before we married. I was on tenterhooks every time I saw her, dreaded phone calls from her and that lasted throughout the 34 years before she died.
At no point during that time did I do anything right - and my lovely SIL would support that.

I would have loved a kind, non-judgemental MIL but it never happened.

You say everything is me, me, me so perhaps she is very unsure of herself and her skills as a new mum - I was a midwife before having children and I was petrified when I came home with a newborn!

They've been married 20 months and now need to establish themselves as a family free from being judged.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but my sympathies are with your DS and DIL.

Our adult children chose their life partners and make their own families. We don't get to choose their partners/wives/husbands, our job is to offer loving support to these new families.

One of our daughters had her first baby 10 days ago, after a difficult pregnancy and c section. Thankfully, mum and baby are now doing well but I would have been both distressed and angry if her mum in law had been critical or cold in her manner towards our daughter, especially in those early weeks after a first baby is born. Possibly as we're in a similar situation as you, that is with a new baby grandchild I was rather more shocked by the cold, critical way in which you described your grandchild's mother, your son's chosen life partner, than I may have otherwise been.

I hope you are able to take the comments on this thread as well meant and to reflect on them.

OP's last paragraph shouts volumes- this woman!!!!!!

When My DDIL had our DGS her parents were staying with them.
Our first visit a week later, after her parents had gone, was for us to say a quick hello and have a cuddle with the baby but I took a couple of casseroles, a home baked cake and a few 'treats' for them.

I have a great relationship with DDIL and treasure every second I spend with them, I just can't fathom out OP's attitude at all

looplou your MIL sounds much the same as my DD's MIL.
I hoped that she would find a loving second mum as they are so far away from us, but unfortunately she has a jealous, spiteful MIL who sees DD as a rival for her son's affections.

That sums her up rosequartz, DH had been engaged (long before I met him) to her ideal DIL and MIL never missed an opportunity to tell me so. And she wasn't even close to DH, her favourite was youngest so so when he married my sister and they moved miles away I got the complete double vicious whammy because naturally they'd met through me!

You don't like her. She knows that. You don't approve of her. She knows that too. 'This woman' is your son's wife and the mother of your grandchild.

This woman, gave birth 3 weeks ago, she is sleep deprived, stressed and nervous as hell. She is going to be left alone, all by herself, with this small baby. She also sounds like she is breast feeding. She is emotionally and physically drained. She is anxious about being on her own. Just like 99.9% of 1st time mom's.

She also has every right to pick her child whenever she feels like. She is not spending 'his' money, she is spending 'their' money, just like she's at home raising 'their' child.

From these few paragraphs it's clear she isn't good enough for your son.
Your DIL obviously knows this, as she's had months if not year's of it. I wouldn't want to spend those first few weeks being a new mum, when I was most vulnerable with someone who doesn't like me. She probley feels the same.

Are you my DD loopylou?
Did she call you by her DS's previous fiancee's name too?

Oh, no DD has not been married for that long and her MIL is still alive!

She even sent us a Christmas card to ex-fiancée and DH for the first four years!

she was an incredibly strong churchgoer and turned me off religion for years by quoting the Bible at me

I am beginning to think that Jeannie's post is a windup - surely no-one could be that insensitive?

It is half-term next week ......

I am sure I have read something very similar before.

But yes, Mishap someone could be that insensitive - and much, much worse.

It's odd that 10+ hours after OP wrote this there's been no response to posts.

Hopefully it is genuine and OP is thinking very carefully about the responses!

Yikes. Poor young mum having a mother-in-law like that.

jeanie99 has posted on GN for at least two years, on various subjects.

It's unfair to suggest that her OP is a wind-up, whatever your opinion on this particular problem is.