Bit of a problem....or is it?

I can understand your frustration Katek especially if they visit your dil's family reasonably frequently. I suppose all you can do is take comfort in the regular contact you have with them and the relationship you're building with your GC.

If your DD1 is right and your son's behaving how he's always done in the past I would try and not take it personally. Perhaps you could put that 'little kernel of resentment' to one side so it doesn't spoil what appears to be a sound relationship with your son and his family. Good luck.

How old are the little boys, katek? I ask because travelling with small children can be a nightmare plus one has to take so much clobber. When DD and family visit us, she comes by train with GS2 because he (age two) is such a horror in the car and stresses out SoL, the only driver, something wicked. SoL comes by car with GS1. Quite nice for GS1 to get some dad time with no competition!

They visit far less often than DD would like mainly because of the above. Plus there is the expense of journeys to consider.

The journey is about 210 miles and when I drive there I usually stop for a break at least twice, on one occasion it was at least six times!

Be very thankful they're in regular contact, my DS, DDIL and DGS rarely visit us, but at least we FaceTime every week and often more frequently. We're the ones who go to them, or I get on the train and visit, it's not a big deal.

I don't think that her seeing her parents more often is unusual or unfair, I wouldn't even spare time worrying about it let alone building up (irrational) resentment.

I always think that with anyone, anyone at all, there will be at least one thing that you dont like that they do, and that includes your nearest and dearest.

I've read your OP twice katek and nowhere does it say that you actually ask them to stay with you.
Do you? If so, what is the response?

Have you actually told your ds that sometimes it's difficult or that it would be lovely if they could visit you?
He may be being a bit immature, but he won't know how you feel if you don't tell him.
There may be a reason for them not travelling to you.
Don't let it get to you, keep smiling.

Something else that occurred to me was the available room in your house. Do you have plenty of room to accommodate two adults and two children, or is it a bit of a squeeze? A bit more difficult to shoehorn a family of four into a house, than for them to put just two adults up at theirs. Have her parents got more space at their house, maybe? Could that be the reason they are willing to visit them regularly?

I am in a similar boat Katek as I have to take three trains to visit either son's family. However, as the children grow and are now reaching their teens, they have so many weekend commitments - Scouts, tennis, tai kwon doh, drama ... (not to mention DiL's netball and DS's water polo) - that it's quite difficult for them to get away. All of them have demanding, though satisfying, jobs and to ask them to drive all the way to Cheshire and back when I have all the time in the world would be unreasonable. And they do spoil me rotten when they see me. The fact that I have a two-bed end terrace house is another factor in this situation. Time to give my railcard another airing, methinks.

Oh, we've very much told them how lovely it would be to see them here. We don't have sufficient room for a family of 4, but dd1 lives only 15 mins away, has plenty of room and is happy to have them stay with her. The boys are very little - just 2.5 and eight months - so I accept that it's easier/more appropriate for us to go to them the majority of the time. An occasional visit would be nice though, especially when they travel three x distance to us at least four times a year to visit dil's mother -who also visits them monthly. Regular visits are also made to dil's aunts, cousins etc. What upset me most was my birthday...it was my 65th and I made arrangements for s celebration lunch with family and friends. I specifically made it lunch and not dinner to accommodate the younger dgc, and all the family knew of the plans weeks in advance. I'd even booked the time around naps. The evening before ds called off saying they were really busy the rest of the month so wanted a quiet weekend. One unhappy mum/nanna

katek Sorry to hear that you are having this problem. I think it may be that most/some of us feel we have to 'do all the running'.

We don't own their free time. Sadly. I haven't seen my DGD and DGS 1 since last December and I had a significant birthday three weeks ago. I am obviously a horrible person and I'm thinking of setting up a club for similar. These DGCs go and see the other GPs frequently but as I don't have a beautiful flat in A beautiful city and a holiday home somewhere lovely I don't altogether blame them.

Katek, that was so tactless of your DS, not coming for your birthday. I hate rocking boats but I think that, in similar circumstances, I would have indicated that I found this very hurtful - "more in sorrow than in anger". I've noticed on some threads that maternal GPs often get more attention than paternal ones, so your experience is not unique in that respect. I suspect that some of our offsprings' generation just don't realise how hurtful their behaviour can be.

Katek That was hurtful, I really don't understand why some offspring behave so thoughtlessly.

I'm sorry to hear that about your birthday, kate.
I would have been upset to be let down at the last minute too.
I think you have to let your ds know how disappointed you were, but without bringing the frequent visits to dil's family in to it, if you possibly can.

It is hard being a grandma and being a parent of young children. It is a big shame that they did not get home for your birthday, but I do think young Mums sometimes get exhausted and just need a break - I remember times when the idea of travelling to a family party would have felt beyond me - I just needed some peace!

Maybe just enjoy what you do have - happy visits where you are welcomed. It is often not easy to get the balance of contact right to suit everyone and their differing needs.

We did alterations to accommodate the family who live a distance away, but they are not used now as DD2 who lives in the same county has much more space than we do now - we miss not having them to stay, but in all honesty it is easier to see them at DD2's and not have the responsibility of cooking etc. And we can still get a lie-in in our own bed!

Everything changes with time; gchildren get older and travel better; we get more decrepit and worse at travelling! - I just go with the flow in the main and trust that my DDs care for us and we for them and their children and that the pattern of visiting or staying will change over time.

Sometimes their thoughtlessness is mind-boggling

I cringe to think that I may have been equally thoughtless with my own parents and in-laws. I suspect I was - but there was some "history" on both sides. We were very wrapped up in keeping our heads above water and were not perhaps as thoughtful about their feelings as we might have been.

Me too Luckygirl. I was thinking after my last post 'Yes but how did you treat your parents and in laws'. Badly I think. I take my last post back.

I agree Luckygirl and KatyK, I think I was thoughtless and didn't realise how they felt being older as well.

KatyK - you are absolutely right. I thought my kids were fairly clever and reasonably well educated but they don't seem to think of anyone but themselves.
Katek- I wonder if my DGC will treat their parents, in the same or even worse way than my DC treat me with their lack of thought.
I have just this very night had a call from DD criticising me because of the limitations on my life due to my health problems. The Irony of that is that all my health problems are genetic and hereditary so if any of these land on her how well will she cope? I thought that bringing up my health status was well below the belt. It was not that yesterday when she wanted me to go 15 miles to buy something for her child!
I am not in good health but I am not stupid. I had hoped that it was just silliness but disabilities are not my choice and should not be used to cause further distress.
SPF

I don't know what to think really. They can certainly make you feel as if you don't matter but I'm sure that isn't the case in reality.

I am in fact extremely lucky with my DDs who are kindness itself to both of us - thoughtful and make allowances for our limitations in a tactful and loving way. It is especially precious as (see post above) I am sure that my treatment of my own parents was not as good - I often feel I do not deserve it.

Part of the problem is that I don't tend to let them know how I really feel. I say things like 'that's a pity' or 'it would have been nice to see you' but I don't let them know how I'm really feeling for fear of damaging what we do have. I also don't want to be accused of turning the emotional blackmail screws. I keep my own counsel, perhaps misguidedly.

I do that too katek. It's very hard. The one time I told my daughter that I was unhappy with her treatment of me, she said she didn't know what I was talking about. Nothing changed. Whenever she comes here the first thing she says is 'it's just a flying visit' or 'can't stop long'. I have to bite my tongue from saying 'well nobody asked you to'.