Regrets about being estranged from people..

DH doesn't see his mother anymore. We haven't seen her in almost 3 years.

Right now, he doesn't regret it as it was her behaviour that caused it, he just didn't put up with it. It was effecting us a family, not just him. When it was just him he said he ignored up but she started on me then our children. She hasn't apologiesd. The ball is in her court but she would rather play victim.

My DD know she has another nanny but we've told her we don't see her anymore because she wasn't nice to Mommy and Daddy. If in years to come she wants to know why then we will go into it abit more but right now she's small and ive drummed into her that she doesn't have to play with people who upset her.

Every situation is different and so are people.

Sorry to hear that Jen.

Is there estrangement because one side or the other has offended that person?

For whatever reason, if there are some feelings there, and the offendee still wants a relationship, there will eventually be a reconcilliation. If not, it's probably better to move on and accept that the relationship doesn't work any more. Well not in the same way

I've been estranged from a family member and a 'close' friend for some years but we do talk to eachother when we meet. The relationship is just not the same though.

I don't regret the distance because it's hard to go back to the original relationship when words have been said or actions taken.

I now have no contact with any of my late sister's boys. To this day, if I caused them any offence, I am at a loss to know what it was, but since we moved five years ago, they have simply ignored us and all our attempts to make contact so I have simply given up now. I'm very sad about it.

Aww Greyduster, that is sad...

There's so much estrangement in my family that my head is whizzing at the moment. I'm a bit like you Greyduster, not sure what I'm supposed to have done but it's true what you say trueblue22, if someone doesn't want the relationship deep down, it won't happen.

Redheadedmommy - I'm so concerned about regret...when people have gone....even when they defo have been a pain in the rear... I really try to accept people for who they are but yer do defo get yer good nature used and abused...

thanks ladies!!

Jem

I was astonished to read on other threads that people are not going to see their relatives, their oldest friends, even their parents - because they voted differently to them (Brexit rather than Remain) in the recent referendum.

Now - I can understand not seeing people who may have evolved as friends over the years, because you realise they are unkind, spiteful, jealous, whatever upsets you, or not seeing relatives because the relationship is abusive or toxic - but not seeing people because they voted differently to you??:
That leaves me speechless, frankly.

That doesn't help you though jemima.
If you could think how you may feel if that person died unexpectedly - relief or regret? If regret, then perhaps you could write to them and express how you feel and ask to meet them somewhere on neutral ground for a chat

I have an old work colleague with whom I sporadically keep in touch by letter.

In her last letter, she told me that she no longer saw her only brother and his family because they are on different sides of the Scottish independence debate.

I really can't understand a family falling out about such a thing. Unless a relative or close friend was constantly assailing me with views that I found extremely hateful and despicable, I can't imagine cutting them out of my life. For me, the same applies to the EU campaign.

I hate being estranged. I have tried everything to put things right but to no avail. It us awful to think that someone dislikes you so much they do not want you in their life. I know family and friends that I love, and they have their faults, as have I but would never not see them because one thing was not how I wanted it it be, the good outweighs any minor problem. Why cannot the people that don't agree with one aspect of you, sit down and discuss it rather that just cut and run. I don't understand it. It is also so much easier to just block someone when you are surrounded by husband and family and doing a million things, but often the person that they detach themselves from are elderly or alone or just if no use anymore., is anyone that bad they deserve abondonment?

Redheadedmommy. Was your mother in law a bad mother when she raised her son or did she just become so bad as she got older? Did you ever tell her that she was in danger of losing you all if she didn't change? I am interested as I never have known what I did and am trying to make sense of it. I hope you don't mind me asking and am in no way being judgemental or taking sides but it seems such a big step. Perhaps she is happy on her own I don't know.

I truly believe that it takes a certain personality type to 'detach' themselves from their family. I've seen it twice in our family and both 'perpetators' shared several characterises. These included a tendancy to jealousy, being unable to see another's point of view, holding grudges, seeing slights where none were intended, being unable to move on and holding onto the past, mental inflexibility, being incapable of introspection, unable to forgive, to mention a few.

I watched both these woman fall out with everyone around them, initially friends and neighbours and it was always someone else's fault. Then they turned on their family.

Both ended up lonely and isolated as people eventually gave up on them or disassociated themselves from them as they could take no more.

Yes I think some people are that bad.
People have had a bad childhood, emotionally and physically abused, the victim doesn't need that type of person in their life.

Real abusive and/or toxic people are not like normal people. You cannot talk and explain what they have done to make you feel so low, they won't listen. They can't for a second imagine that they are at fault.

It's the most bizarre relationship. It effected my mental health and had to see a councillor. It contributed to my PND, it effected our marriage.

I had rumours spread about me, lies was told, I had personal medical information talked about like everyday chit chat, my children was picked up and dropped, promises made and broke. We spoke about it and managed to turn it back to our fault. The councillor explained ways to handle people like her and situations we was in, so that's what we did.

She aired everything on social media, had a tantrum because we wasn't making time for her visit (I was in labour with DD2) She then threatened me. Ignored our DDs birthday.

She still to this day tells people she doesn't know why we don't see her anymore and doesn't know what she's done.

Minor disagreements are just part of family life. Everybody is different, they have different opinions and everyone has faults. Falling out over voting is ridiculous!

X-posts Red

Yes she has always been like it, it didn't happen just because she was a MIL. DH doesn't really mention much of his childhood, I get little burts every now and then.

No I don't mind!
From my point of view, you can't treat people like that and think it's ok. If that's how she treats her family I would hate to see how she treats people who she doesn't like.

Anya, do you know my MIL? You've described her perfectly.

No, thankfully I don't Red but I recognise the 'type' and my antennae can pick them up very quickly so I avoid them like the plague now I am older and, hopefully, wiser.

Why does a person turn toxic!? Its not always the case of a bad upbringing, if you google 'personality disorder' it says that the causes are really unknown! it is a complex mental health problem, is it hereditary? So many questions and no clear answers.

Estrangement is difficult to live with but there comes the day when you have to accept that those people do not want to be in your life and you have to walk away. you cant be dragged down by these people no matter if their so called friends or family.

As Redheadedmommy has said these toxic people wont take any blame for their actions its always someone elses fault! These toxic people are very clever at twisting things and then you start to question yourself, walk away before its too late.

Red funny (not in a nice way) that they can't see that they are the toxic ones, isn't it?

Just over 10 years ago my best friend of nearly 30 years stopped speaking to me and I still don't really know why. We had had a slight disagreement about something her husband had told me and I felt I had to tell her, not to upset her but because it was a serious issue. When I left her house that day I had no idea that would be the last time we would ever again speak properly. Phone calls, texts and emails unanswered and when I went to her house nearly 2 weeks later, she closed the door when she saw it was me. About 2 months later I received a horrible letter accusing me of trying to break up her marriage etc etc- totally untrue- and of having mental health problems. It was so hurtful to hear this from someone who had been my bridesmaid and I had been hers. She also told mutual friends and my own brother terrible lies about me. I was totally devastated and it took years to get over. Even now she crosses the road if she sees me.
Anya- your post has made a few things click into place. Thank you.

jemimavintage, thank you for this thread.
Estrangement/separation of family members depends on which side of the separation you are,I suppose.
If you feel the need to separate your relationship from a family member, then you must have your reasons for doing so, and of course there are certain situations where that is necessary.
If you are the person who is estranged,then you will have a different perspective.
Certainly as we get older we do tend to look back at our actions towards others and I am quite sure that people don't intentionally go out of their way to cause hurt and pain to another human being.
(Of course there are exceptions.)
We often hear that people don't know why this happens, but in my experience there have been warning signs, we just choose to ignore them until it is too late.
I would always say, look to yourself, say sorry if you know you have overstepped the mark. Agree to disagree.
At a time when we are all living in such an uncertain and unsettled time, we do need one another.
We all have members of our family or friends that we don't get on with, but we don't have to cause them hurt and pain.
Estrangement in all its forms, always causes controversy, but in all cases someone somewhere is going through distress,and utter despair.

my friends fell out with each other and now we have to meet with them separately, which is an inconvenience for the rest of us

Spot on, Anya. I think it's especially that mental rigidity that blocks movement, prevents any possibility of rapprochement, reconciliation. So painful to be on the receiving end. Acceptance is the only option I think. No good banging your head against a brick wall.

I have been estranged from my youngest daughter since she has been 13 and she is now 30,married with 2 children of her own. My marriage broke up and my younger daughter choose to live with her father. My elder daughter with me. This in itself was a terrible blow but he then went about turning her against me. He made all sorts of accusations and of course at the vulnerable age that he was she took it all in. At that time I did not want to make a big thing of that and decided I would be the adult and try to wait and hopefully things would work out, sadly his large family closed ranks and also chose to turn her against me. I carried on trying to take an interest and involvement all to unavail. My solicitor informed me that at her age she had the choice of whether she wanted contact and would not be forced to see me- so I could not go down that avenue. When she was 18 I wrote her a heartfelt letter asking her to meet me and make up her own opinion of me. This was ignored. I always send cards and christmas/birthdays and still do. I also sent cards to my grandchildren whom I never met. In the early days how I never had a nervous breakdown amazes me. I would dearly love her to want to know me,but sad to say, I know very unlikely.

I have found estrangement nothing but a good thing.

For years I put up with toxic people in my life because I didn't want to upset my mother, whom I loved deeply. Since she died I have, thankfully, been able to let them go.

My family is full of control freaks and I realise that I have to watch myself very carefully because I am the same. Removing myself from them has been nothing but good for me as, when we're together one either has to fight hard to, "keep one's end up" or end up being trampled upon.

Control freaks are just no good for one another they feed off one another and the whole situation escalates at an alarming rate. I believe that I have at least taken a step towards becoming a more rational and calmer person, more laid back, more easy going by not surrounding myself with people who are constantly pressing my buttons and triggering old responses. My friends and grown up DC's have commented on my, "mellowing" in the last few years.

I know I have a long way to go and I'm far from being perfect but I can, at least, be pulled up now by someone saying that they think I'm back on the slippery slope and I will stop and take a long hard look and am capable of admitting (most of the time!) that I might not be right, or that someone else's opinion is just as valid even if it's not enough to change mine. That might sound pretty normal and usual to most of you but, believe me, in my family it's a first!

I also married a control freak which certainly didn't help matters and he, as my ex, is my only real, "trigger" now as he's such an accomplished manipulator. I try and keep as much distance as possible but sometimes it's hard when major events in the DC's lives force us together!

Life is too short to cling to people just because of DNA I'm certainly much happier surrounded by people I actually enjoy being with or even alone.

I hasten to add that I'd still respond if called upon in a crisis. I don't actively hate them, though I do hate the person I become when around them and the way it makes me feel.

Oh Angela1961, that really puts my estrangement from my toxic ex step-daughter into perspective. She has written me hideous emails accusing me of causing the divorce. In my view it's usually half a dozen of one and 6 of the other. I am bouncing back her poisonous emails and know I will probably never see her again. Forgot to say her,father, my ex, died last year so she is probably in a bad place but I too, am grieving him. We were married for 20 years.

I blame a lot of this stuff on the 'counselling' mentality we have been encouraged to embrace. The mantra of our generation was 'You're OK, I'm OK', then we had the Jerry Springer show with people applauding each other flouncing about saying 'deal with it' when they announced a decision that they knew would hurt others, then GP's tarted sending people off to counsellors who only and CBT practitioners who only have a part of the story to go on.

Facebook has posts everyday saying 'if people bring their dramas into your life walk away'...........all very well if you have somewhere and someone else to work to.