Meeting DS new girlfriend- or not?

I remember your original post Whitehair and am glad that your d.i.l. "has picked herself up and got on with things".

IMO you should meet your son's girlfriend, as you say it takes 2 to tango and whereas "she could have stood back and not broken up the family", your son could have resisted temptation and not broken up his own family.

Rightly or wrongly, he can't have been happy in his marriage or he wouldn't have become involved with someone else. It sounds as if your d.i.l. is moving on with her life as is your son. You say he's being supportive and co parenting so clearly, despite the way he's behaved, loves his children.

You say your son knows how you feel about what happened so he wont be surprised that you're not falling over yourself to meet his new lady, and so will I'm sure appreciate you making an effort, no matter how small.

Good luck.

Do it - he has made his choice and is supporting his family. If you hold out and avoid her you will be holding out on him to.

Or even "too".

Perhaps theirs is a "love that cannot be denied" (and that is coming from a cynic).

Either way, I agree with lucky and smileless. You have to also now get on with this new version of your son's life.

Thank you for those prompt replies, I have been mulling this over and going round in circles! Maybe I am over thinking things but if he is now wavering and clearly he is, if I embrace the new relationship am I giving it a stamp of approval and maybe give out the signals it's ok when clearly one way or another his concience is getting to him.

DIL is also under the impression things maybe not as hunky dory as it was. They still talk to eachother, he has made noises like people do get back together after being apart. DIL would probably have him back but he would have to earn it and prove he understands the hurt he has caused and that it would be what they both really wanted. It would never be the same, but that would be no bad thing as I take the point he was unhappy. However, if you read my original post, he didn't give my DIL chance to explore changing things.

Anyway, still interested in what anyone else thinks, maybe as I said I am just overthinking it as they say these days!

My first instinct would be not to meet her, but if she is going to be in his life long term, you should then get to know her, as you don't want to affect your relationship with your son.

Has he suggested that you all meet? Could you delay things a bit to see what happens, and meanwhile just ask after her when you see him?

I was going to type roughly what seacliff said. If there is a chance they could get back together it might be easier for you if you've never met this person. Try to hold off for the time being.

Such a sad scenario. Have you actually been invited to meet this lady. I doubt his new partner relishes the meeting either.
You "think" your son is beginning to realise that the grass isn't greener. Think or hope?
No doubt you have rehearsed in your mind what you want to say to her and that is understandable, however, a wealthy woman in her fifties won't care a fig what you say.
I know that because I have been that woman (no children or marriages involved)
Accept your sons new lady or risk losing him.
As for your son and DIL reconciling, very unlikely, I for one would never have him back, he abandoned his wife and two tiny children when they were most vulnerable, not a quality to be admired.

Is your last line really necessary judy park? I think whitehair knows this. She is looking for support.

Has a meeting with the gf been suggested? You don't make that clear. If not, I would bide my time to see what happens. If your son is pressing for a meeting, then I would go along with it, be charming and welcoming. If not, don't suggest it. You don't know what his choice will be, he is an adult and must make his own choices. You have to balance it out , of course, with being supportive of the DiL and GC. Not easy I know.

DIL is also under the impression things maybe not as hunky dory as it was. They still talk to eachother, he has made noises like people do get back together after being apart

90% of the time that does NOT indicate that things are not rosy with the new girlfriend
usually men who left their wife for another woman say things like that when they notice that their ex is moving on, even if things are great at home with the new woman.
Some men don't like how relatively quickly their exes move on even when they are the ones who chose to break up!

He wants the attention of whichever woman is the bigger ego boost at the time, and right now he "has" the new girlfriend, so the ego boost goal would be getting the apparently "moved on" ex wife to admit that she'ld have him back….

… usually…

or he really wants him back… but usually these sort of lines get trotted out when they think the ex might be getting less available to them just to string a bit longer even if they don't act on it..

Sorry that you misconstrued my reply Mumofmadboys, I was under the impression that Whitehair was seeking advice rather than support. I shall butt out in future.

I'm not clear either whitehair whether a meeting has been suggested or not.
You just say that your DS complains that you don't ask after this woman.
It wouldn't do any harm to occasionally say 'How is xxx', would it?
You don't have to invite her round for tea.
I wouldn't invite her, but you could consider joining DS and his woman if they invited you out.
My main concern would be to preserve the good relationship you have with your DiL and your grandchildren. I'm sure your DiL values your support.

Sorry for any lack of clarity on my part. He has suggested in the past about meeting the girlfriend and I have said it was too soon, like three months after he walked out. Clearly he feels I should offer the same interest and social norms for any son with a girlfriend. Except this isn't a normal boy meets girl, lets introduce her to the family.

Clearly on here people speak from experience and some times bad experiences lead to a specific point of view. I was wondering if I start to show an interest and a meeting is then suggested again, if I should now go along with it. As he said, maybe I am the one with the problem about it, not them. Still, problem I do have, but maybe I should just express an interest in the girlfriend and meet her if that is what is suggested rather than being proactive and suggesting it myself. Very torn between supporting him but being mindful of the hurt he has caused my DIL and down the line, his children.

As always, the children are the innocent victims in these break ups, one way or another.

I think if your son suggests meeting his GF again you should probably agree. You don't know what the future holds for them but this may be his new life time partner. We often don't approve of our children's choices but it is their decision and not ours. You obviously want to keep in touch with your son and the longer you don't meet her the more potential damage you will do your relationship. I would feel just the same as you I'm sure. Wishing you well.

I personally wouldn't initiate a meeting through some vague ' you don't ask about her' sentences however if your son was to invite you to meet then you d probable be best to go Personally I d just continue supporting both your daughter in law and your son however you feel comfortable and see what happens, it may fizzle out and if not and it becomes serious you can then see how to move on with them all when the time comes. Just take it slowly and see how it goes don't worry about it too much we all tend to overthink, well I know I do, I rehearse stuff in my head over and over and it's a waste of time and energy as it rarely turns out how you expected it to.
Good luck

It's an age old thing this parental disapproval of what their offspring do. When will we learn to let them be independent grown ups over whom we neither have nor should have any direct control? What we think is irrelevant unless they ask for our opinions.

One doesn't have to tread on eggshells if one accepts offspring independence and one's own irrelevance in their decision-making and behaviour. Just treat them as you would any other independent adult. The only difference is that we usually love the ones who are related to us. Love doesn't give us any rights.

Acceptance is the key and keep any disapproval (unless they've broken the law) to oneself.

Or, in common Bags-speak: shrug; it's his life.

I would tell your dil, in passing, what he has said. Tell her that you continue to love her and the children but that he is you son and you want to maintain a relationship with him although you know he has behaved badly. The worst thing you can do is keep secrets from her. Ado feel for you!

I do feel for you - pesky phone!

Good advice, kitty.

But Bags it's not a question of the OP's son's independence, is it? He's been married and has two children.
It's a question of whether being friendly with this woman would jeopardise her relationship with her DiL and her GCs and is such a valid concern IMHO.

That should be as such, not is such!

Yes the DiL might well feel 'betrayed' by you if you start to form any sort of relationship with this new woman. I completely understand your feelings about this situation. I'd not know what to do beyond being furious with your son. Not helpful I know. Well done supporting your DiL.

To reiterate: What kitty said is good advice. If dil1 falls out with her mil because mil wants to stay in touch with her own son, then dil1 is being unreasonable.

Son is supporting and co-parenting so his mum has no right to be furious with him. That, as I implied earlier, is her disapproving of life choices made by an independent adult. I still think she just has to lump it.

I'm still on friendly terms with my exparentsinlaw twenty+ years on. I have no idea and never have had any idea what they thought about my splitting up with their son except that they were sad about it on both our behalfs. I'm not talking completely out of the top of my head. I do have some life experience.