Cheated on at 68

Welcome to GN MrsTrellis
I have no advice just sympathy and I didn't want to read and run.
I'm sure someone will have some wise words.

What a shock for you Mrs Trellis and it's possibly made you wonder how many other times since you've known him has he been 'bettered' by wine and flattery

I would suggest you don't actively seek another 'boyfriend' at the moment. If you feel the need of a companion when you go out, start off by going to places you've been before where you'll know where the loo is, see familiar faces etc so feel comfortable. Wait and see what happens while you get yourself together again.

My dear old scottish granny used to tell me as a teenager not to go out looking for a man, the right one will come knocking on your door. I told her I didn't fancy the milkman or coalman so would have to go out

That must have been awful for you Mrs Trellis. I do wonder about his commitment to you and the relationship. Personally I would rather be alone and happy than constantly worrying what he was doing.
I don't think any of us independent ladies need a man to validate us.

I have always felt that retaining one's dignity is such events is the best way to cope. It stood me in good stead in my 30s and resulted in the ex bitterly regretting his action and me being able to walk away with my head held high (despite the fact I was broken hearted at the time. Keeping ones head up, not resulting in knee jerk reactions gives one time to assess what is really happening and how one really feels about it.

Take your time - its best to let life surprise you rather that actively pursue it.....I am sure you will be pleasantly surprised....and good luck m'dear! P.S. he sounds a died in the wool rotter to me.

It must have been a shock for you and I feel for you,do you have access to this "boyfriends" house and walked into the situation ? I would suggest you have nothing more to do with him as the old saying about leopards comes to mind,he seems to fancy himself as a bit of a jack the lad imo and not worth bothering with.
Get yourself out and about and meet new friends ladies as well as men and enjoy your time not tied to one person.

mrstrellis welcome.

What a wily old fox, eh? I wonder whether he would have unburdened himself to you if he wasn't caught. Marvellous that he can perform in bed despite having had enough wine to turn his head. The flattery must have done the trick. Why couldn't they just have had a lovely warm and affectionate visit without the bedroom shenanigans?

I always think re this sort of thing - is the transgression acceptable to you? Clearly not, or you wouldn't be upset/devastated by it.

So, then the next question is - how do express just how upsetting it was for you if you carry on as a couple? If nothing changes, then how do you ensure that the message he gets isn't that you overlook infidelity or even condone this behaviour in some way? How do you retain your dignity?

I'd make a break in the now muddy waters of this relationship, with an aim of getting to "clear water" and then see whether the relationship is worth rebuilding. Let him explain to friends and family why you're taking a break from being his "partner".

good reply Granny

Hello and welcome Mrs Trellis . Do you come from North Wales by any chance? Fellow fans of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue will know what I am on about!

I am with HildaW on this, take your time. I expect you are wondering if this has happened before, and he just got caught out. I don't think you will ever trust him, which would be difficult to cope with.

What a horrible experience for you Mrs Trellis! Can you forgive him for this lapse? It wouldn't ever be the same, you'd never really trust him would you?
Personally I would tell him where to stick it, again!

Will you not always 'wonder'? if you continued to be 'a couple'. I would. No advice though.

If he didn't want an exclusive relationship he should have been upfront with you.
Tell him to get stuffed and get on with enjoying life

I understand where other commenters are coming from, but in the main you seem to have a good relationship and if it was just a one-night stand thing, I'd stick with it, warn him that if it ever happens again that will be the end and try to forget about it. Good luck!

His actions don't fit with the image of you as a comfortable trusting couple. It fits with you but not him. Do you really need him in your life? If not maybe easier to move on now, disappointing though it may be. Always best to have someone you can trust, that seems to have gone and what are you left with ?

Only you can decide, follow your gut instinct but realise the relationship can never be the same after his betrayal, up to you if you want to risk life on the egde so to speak?

Keep him as a mate. And,arrange future shenanigans of your own.

A relationship with him would be fraught with worries now and who needs that when life is full of other things? You don't want to have any STD or drama you want to relax and enjoy yourself. He burnt his boats with you, his loss.

I would have no more to do with him. Sleazebag.

My first thought would be a visit to the Dr to make sure I'm ok, if you know what I mean ....

then I would tell him to get lost!

Sorry for your upset Mrs Trellis but I think I would have a problem erasing this picture from my mind, old lech springs to mind. I too would recommend a health check.

You say he's sorry and still loves you so it would be hard to walk away. But the relationship isn't what you thought it was (exclusive).
Whether it was a moment of weakness on his part or a pattern of untrustworthy behaviour, only time will tell.
My impression is you do want to forgive him but you're not a pushover. As you're not married or living together you could continue as you are - only you know whether you can live with your suspicions.

Your choice - I understand not wanting to be alone or bothered to look elsewhere. So if you stick around its your terms.... Thank heavens you didn't marry, it would be much more difficult if you choose to bin him off. If you decide to continue with your relationship be very aware what that relationship now is - it's not what you thought anymore. Most importantly give yourself time, and make sure your eyes are wide open, whatever you decide your future is. I'm sorry for your troubles

Hope you manage to sort this out. I don't think anyone in a relationship wants to share a man with unknown sexual partners both from the emotional point of view and from the personal hygiene aspect.

there is a lot of good advice on this thread. do hope you can resolve this.

Do walk away. Established pattern for him....until he is older and feebler. Do you want to be the reliable one who nurses him in his dotage when he can no longer "get" other women? Good luck in your decision.

Sorry to hear about this, Mrs Trellis. You must be feeling really "betrayed" after having been "partners" for as long as 2 years. How will you ever trust him again?

If you hadn't found them together, would he ever have told you about it? Is he capable of sustaining a relationship with only one woman at a time?

It sounds like you are attractive enough to find another partner so for your won self-respect, dump him now. He is not the only fish in the sea.

Perhaps this will seem far too flippant... mumsnetters have a term LTB...that's what I would be doing in your shoes.
Good luck with whatever you decide

I'd keep my distance. He's disloyal. It's easy to be sorry when
found out. Get yourself out there and meet someone else.
Good luck Mrs Trellis.