Hi. Wondered what you would all make of my mum? My gorgeous son is now 7 weeks old. From the start mum hasn't been as interested in this baby as she was my first, now nearly 3. For example she knitted for my first and said she was too busy (she works 4 hours a week) to knit anything for the new baby.
Mum and dad live 50 mins drive away, it's about 30 miles. Dad is 82 and developing dementia over past few years. I am their only child and there were arguments some years back just after my first son was born about dad driving as he has visual hallucinations. Mum said she felt unsafe with him driving too. Eventually it was agreed he wouldnt drive distance anymore and since then they have barely visited. They have been on bus 4 times in past 4 years but this takes 3 hours each way so not practical. Mum can drive but refuses to drive here as the most direct way involves a short stretch of motorway which she won't drive on. There are several other non motorway routes but she won't try them despite me offering to accompany her, have her follow me etc. So basically she says that she lives too far away to come to me.
When I was pregnant my biggest worry was who would care for my son when I was in labour. I asked mum. She said shed come and I spoke about getting a taxi arranged and prepaid etc for her. However nearer the time she said she didn't think she could leave my dad and I should make other arrangements. I was really hurt and struggled to make these I think mainly because I felt this should have been my mums role. But I did arrange for friend to take him..
Anyway to cut a long story short my labour was horrendous, 69 hours culminating in an emergency c section. I lost 2 litres of blood and was very unwell. My partner told my mum following the birth and she said she would visit in 2 days time, not the next day as she had to work (she is a self employed yoga teacher, she runs a 2 hour class). At this point DP had words with her, he felt strongly she should cancel work but she refused. Anyway the next day she got my dad to ring my DP to say it wasn't worth coming for 1 hour (hospital visiting hours). Another row ensued and they turned up the next day having got a lift with friends of theirs.
Because my son then became unwell with severe jaundice we were in hospital for 9 days after the birth. They didn't visit again.
On return home again no visit was arranged however this was academic because within 2 days my son was back in hospital this time with bronchiolitis. This was terrifying and he ended up on a ventilator (cpap machine) and in hospital for a further 9 days. On top of this I was not recovering well from surgery and had a wound infection. It may sound dramatic now but at the time I thought my baby might die. Also we had major problems with sorting childcare for my older son so we could both be at the hospital. My mum came for 1 night and again made it clear she would have to return to go to work and care for my dad (though she happily leaves him for several hours most days to go shopping). She said she couldn't let her class down and needed the money. Money is not an issue for them she has since purchased a brand new car.
Thankfully we are all home and recovered now. I still can't drive following my section though and still sore. We have been over to mums once with the kids. She hasn't been here again. She is putting some press for me to visit again, making comments like she doesnt know what the baby looks like but she hasn't made any offer to come here.
Am I being unreasonable not to want to go over? I feel it's her duty to come to me. However when my older son was born I drove over weekly so they could see him and the same is clearly expected now. She doesn't seem to realise (or care?) what I have been through physically or emotionally.
What do other people think?
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shelfy74 Tue 10-May-11 12:39:35
GrannyTunnocks Tue 10-May-11 13:24:44
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