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or is DIL

(22 Posts)
MiserableGranny56 Thu 09-Jun-11 16:57:50

My DIL is evil. She very rarely brings our grandson (three months) to see us. My husband thinks that this is because last time they were here I quickly nipped next door with my grandson to show my neighbour who was really excited to see the baby, while DIL nipped to the loo. I didn't think I needed to beg permission to go for a walk with my own grandson I was less than 10 minutes so can't understand this behaviour. Another contributing factor was that I put a little bit of ice cream on his dummy and she overreacted to that. We invited them for a chinese this weekend to try and get to see our grandson and then invited a few of our friends and several family members who hadn't met the baby to meet him. My daughter said this wasn't fair because she thinks it's some sort of trap and told my DIL, cue her calling me up screeching that "her son is a person not a circus attraction" I didn't once suggest that he was and she needs to understand that people need to meet him and that surely we have rights to introduce him to friend/family members who are eager to meet the little one? She also doesn't understand that I need to see him more than once a week and that he is old enough now to stay over at my house. My son is totally besotted with this woman and he will not hear a word against her or her choices, he is able to bring his son here once a week to see us but he won't because he doesn't want to override her say as a mother. Am I BU to put it to her that she can't hide the child away from people and the world?

Notsogrand Thu 09-Jun-11 17:11:29

........I'm off to the quiet corner hmm

twizzle Thu 09-Jun-11 17:13:03

I'm coming with you Notsogrand

baggythecrust! Thu 09-Jun-11 17:51:48

Me too, notso and twizzle. i wonder if this is one of Modesty's relatives? What a bunch!

MollyMurphy Thu 09-Jun-11 18:09:21

You must be troll - seriously? Okay, I have a few minutes I'll bite just in case.

a) everything you did would make most DIL's uncomfortable around you.
b) you should have asked to take the child to see whomever - you were rude and had poor boundaries.
c) ice cream on a dummy is ridiculous and again - its not your child you should have asked first.
d) you DIL is right the child is not a circus attraction
e) you don't have any "rights" to introduce him to anybody
f) you don't need to see him more than once a week - they have their own lives. It is nice that you see him once a week
g) the child staying over at you house is unnecessary and when he would be old enough to do this is up to his parents comfort level and readiness
h) My son is totally besotted with this woman...yes she is his wife.

If you are a real person you sound like a nightmare of a MIL. Its nice to be excited but you need some boundaries. Acting entitled and not respecting the child's mother will only encourage them to let you see your gc less.

greenmossgiel Thu 09-Jun-11 18:18:49

Hello MiserableGranny56- Do you think perhaps your daughter-in-law might feel a bit overwhelmed by all of this? It's such an exciting time for grannies and grandads and all of the rest of the family etc, when a new baby comes along. Although she may be coming over as being angry with you, it could just be that she's worried that you're trying to take over a bit? She'll know by now that you don't like her very much (as will your son). She'll have picked up, as well, that the neighbours and your other friends probably don't like her either, because of her reluctance to be there with him when so many people are at your house. She's possibly very tired, too! Also she may even have a touch of post natal depression - who knows? Have you asked her how she's feeling? You've obviously got a large circle of friends and family. Maybe she's found that hard to deal with, as well. She may feel intimidated by this throng of people that 'need to meet' this tiny baby. She'll feel judged and more than likely a bit lonely. Your son's doing his best - he'll be finding it hard too. Don't risk losing him because of all this. It's a difficult time for you all. Good luck.

MiserableGranny56 Thu 09-Jun-11 18:20:21

Ok no,I'm not a troll as such, I am actually the DIL, I just wanted to see if I am strange to feel uncomfortable with the MIL because she seems to think I am some sort of space creature. I have tried to write it exactly as I know she would have done. I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time but I needed to put my mind at rest so thank you for your answer MollyMurphy and for the rest of you I can understand exactly why you might have thought I was a troll smile

supernana Thu 09-Jun-11 18:22:27

Ooer-heckers...MiserableGranny56 - no prizes for guessing why you are miserable and stressed and needing to get things off your chest. Poor you, there is far too much negativity in your life. Am I being too soft in the head to suggest that all the family might get together and, without raising voices or using the "it's all your fault" phrase, take it in turns to negotiate a way through the whole sorry mess. If not, join us in the quiet corner where you can recharge your batteries and find some much-needed peace.

AmberGold Thu 09-Jun-11 18:37:14

Oh dear, not a good start when it should be such a happy time. Of course your MIL shouldn't have acted like that but please dont let these feelings on both sides grow and fester. There are so many benefits to having relations you can get on with and the role of a Grandparent is such an important one to a child (I hope I can hear the cheers). If you can sort things out quickly and learn to respect each other (even if you can't love each other) then you will have many happy times together. I agree with supernana but you need to act quick.

em Thu 09-Jun-11 18:53:33

Miserablegranny56. My heart goes out to you. It's awful that you feel so bad about this situation that you feel you have to turn for support and comfort from people who are effectively perfect strangers because you can't talk to your MIL. I also feel so sorry for your husband trapped as he is in the middle. My daughter frequently does things I don't agree with but I do my utmost to go along with her ideas and comply.The ice cream on the dummy for such a tiny wee soul really bothered me. Good relations or not, you will have to keep a very close eye on what she slips to the baby! My own mother was always ready to express an opinion and offer unsolicited advice. MIL however only advised when asked, and responded to requests - never made demands. I hope you now realise that your MIL does not have the backing of her whole generation! Come back whenever you want to but I sincerely hope you can make a breakthrough and won't need us!!

MollyMurphy Thu 09-Jun-11 19:13:48

Hi Miserable - oh good I'm glad it wasn't your MIL posting. But hun are you sure your MIL would have said all those things? I will say, that while I would have scolded her for her behaviour - as a DIL myself, I would pick and choose which items to make issue of. I suggest being always polite, smile, say no thank you when you don't want something done, repeat yourself as necessary...but also give a little where you can in terms of their excitement over showing everyone the baby. Very few things are worth a lot of family drama.

I hope it gets better

baggythecrust! Thu 09-Jun-11 19:57:46

Yeesh! Miserable, you have all my sympathy. What a nightmare!

GrannyTunnocks Thu 09-Jun-11 20:42:01

I also thought this was another of Modesty's post. However I am glad to see it is not. Miserablegranny, I hope you can sort things out with your MIL. It is good to see that most of us gransnetters are not interfering grannys and we try our best to get on with our daughter and daughters-in-law. We try our best to only give advice when asked and be around to love our grandchildren and have lots of fun with them. Please let us know how you are getting on.

helshea Thu 09-Jun-11 20:55:20

Hi Miserable, yes your MIL sounds a bit of a nightmare, but maybe you are also a little sensitive too, as you are bound to be feeling protective to your little one. At the end of the day you are the mother, and ultimately the MIL has no say. But I do think it wouldnt hurt to tell her how you are feeling... Also I can understand why you did it, but I am sure that if you had posted as yourself and said what you were feeling, you would've got honest answers, and lot's of support from us Grans and MIL's lol .. but good luck anyway.

MiserableGranny56 Thu 09-Jun-11 22:59:28

I'm certain these are the things she has said as me and my sil are very close and share a lot of things and she was quite upset telling me about what her mum had been saying. Yes I could have posted as myself but I thought the impact would be easier to understand rather than a post saying "oh my mil is really horrible" ect. I just needed to know where I stand with regards to wondering if I am overreacting and if it is normal for grandmothers to do these things, I'm a little unsure as my own mum passed away suddenly and unexpextedly before my son was born so I have no one to compare my MIL to. I really want to get on with her because I know grandparents have so much to offer but if she wanted to show my baby to the neighbour I really wouldn't have minded if she'd just asked. I came out of the loo and he was gone and it seems irrational now that I was really scared then because common sense didn't come to me straight away that he was with his granny and it is probably my fault she I'd disliking me because she knows I have not learnt to trust anyone with my baby yet sad thanks so much for the support and I'm going to think over everything said and try to start a new leaf with MIL xx

baggythecrust! Fri 10-Jun-11 06:36:28

Dear Mis, your feelings are normal! everyone with a new baby feels hyper-protective towards it. It's the survival instinct. Your MIL has forgotten that she had exactly the same feelings. I also wonder if she is just over-excited about the whole thing andnwill calm down. I hope so but don't let her push you around. Good luck.

supernana Fri 10-Jun-11 12:51:30

MiserableGranny56 I'm so sorry but I also thought that I was reading your mother-in-laws posting. I'm new-ish to forums. I sometimes get the wrong end of the stick. However, now that I'm aware that you are the mother and your baby is still very young, I understand that you have some cause for concern. I do not think that you are being unreasonable, quite the opposite in fact. You are being protective and rightly so. There is a case for your MIL. I know that she, too, has her part to play but she isn't taking your fragile feelings seriously enough. Frustrations and misunderstandings can simmer under the surface until they blow up out of all proportion and lead to mayhem within the family, which is sad. If I were you, I would lift the phone and suggest that you both take baby for a walk in the park. MIL will love that...grannies adore pram-pushing. Have a cup of tea together and try not to go down the path of blaming her for anything. Tell her how you feel without getting cross. Suggest that you could have little outings together on a fairly regular basis. Gradually, hopefully, you and she will begin to see and respect each other's point of view and, thereafter, your relationship may take on a whole new meaning. I wish you well.

Leticia Fri 10-Jun-11 16:56:54

I was going to say that you were a troll come over from MN- before I read down. Of course it is unreasonable behaviour!

helshea Mon 13-Jun-11 07:23:49

The best thing here would be to drop a few hints about mumsnet being a great site that you enjoy, and then tell her about Gransnet. I'm sure a few days on here and she would realise her mistakes. She may even recognize herself..

glammanana Mon 13-Jun-11 14:00:41

So sorry to read your problem sweetie,I am glad that you have said you are going to try and heal the problem with your MIL,would it be possible
to invite her to your home on her own and let her see her grandson
on a one to one basis and have a chat with her as to the way you
and your husband wish to parent your little man,I was always on
hand for my DSs girlfriend when DGD was first born but only got
involved when she asked me.I would never never atempt to take the
child out (even for a minute) without the parents knowledge that is

dorsetpennt Mon 13-Jun-11 14:07:41

Helshea - good advice to give re the awful MIL to look at our site - it's helped me a lot. What an awful Granny, I know she's excited about being a Granny for the first time. Who wasn't but you have to tread very carefully. Especially as the paternal Granny. I wouldn't do anything without paternal approval but be on hand when needed. I hope they can see a way to resolving this perhaps the two of them could go out for lunch and the DIL could put her concerns forward. Also go to Mumsnet it's a fab site.

lane70 Sun 03-Jul-11 17:44:17

Well, miserable-non-granny, to me it seems it's probably symptomatic that instead of explaining your problem in a straightforward way, you chose to put words in your mother-in-law's mouth, pretending to be her in order to show her as unreasonable. It seems to me a very rude way to behave. Maybe she is unreasonable, maybe your sister-in-law is stirring it, maybe you (and your husband) also have a share of responsibility for the unhappy dynamics? I favour honest speaking, where it's possible, and silence where it's not -- on and offline.