"Dear"

Names are a matter for negotiation between equals. People who know me well know how to address me because they know how I respond to different names. My grandchildren all call me "Gran" because that is the name I chose for myself - unless they want to tease me when they have been known to call me "Granny"! People who know me also know what to call me, because they know my name. People who do not know me only need to show me equal respect.

"Dear", "love" and so on cannot but be patronising for the simple reason that they are not meant. Only people who know me can love me or hold me dear (even if not all of them do).

Of course it is not only the post-60s that are patronised.

btc - Yes it is the relative age and/or relationship that makes a difference. I am quite happy to be called dear by a nice older lady, or a contemporary I know, or would be pleased to know better.

What gets up my nose is being addressed as dear by a young sprog who manages to imply with it that I may be unable to blow my own nose, and they are doing me a favour by helping me cope with whatever complicated transaction is going on.

And that is made worse when they call my husband sir at the same time!

Elegran, ah well yes ... the 'sir' to your husband at the same time would compound the injury!

Jangran, I take your point(s). I guess I've just been lucky either not to have been patronised or, if it has happened, not to have noticed.

I really hate being called "mate"..... I had a lovely elderly friend who called everyone "ducky" which was quite nice, but she was a very sweet gentle lady and was able to get away with it.

I'm originally from South Manchester where a stranger was a friend you just hadn't started chatting to yet. I grew up being referred to by bus conductors, shopkeepers etc. by a wide variety of endearments and it's one of the few indicators of my background that remain with me; I often refer to people by using 'dear', 'love', 'fruit' (don't ask) etc. - and in the case of my husband, the Devonian 'my lover'. I'm friendly, generally not given to being patronising or feeling patronised (except by politicians!!), and have lots of lovely casual acquaintances as well as many deep friendships.

GA, I grew up in Lancashire (Poulton-le-Fylde) and though I haven't lived there since I was eighteen I remember with fondness the friendliness of everyone. You could not stand at a bus stop and not be talked to if someone else came along, and one would be called all kinds of endearments in a totally open and ordinary way. Maybe that's where I got my relaxed attitude to what other people feel are patronising names. Before county boundary changes I beIieve Manchester was in Lancashire was it not? Maybe you just can't patronise Lancashire lasses, however hard you try!

Oh baggy you really are my long lost twin - are you sure you know who your dad is? Mine was a bit of a rogue and 'got about' quite a bit. Yes, I was born just after the boundary change which caused our little corner of Lancashire to become Manchester so at heart I am a Lancashire Lass and stand guilty of chatting to people on buses, trains, planes and even in lifts - I like people! .

I talk to people too. Most people are friendly back though I did notice a difference between the north and south. Made wonderful friends in the south but there were many people who just don't want you even to smile at them. Back in the north now so it's back to grin and wave and smile at everyone and chatter at every opportunity!

I think 'dear' is probably patronising, but the word that bothers me is being called a GIRL.
At nearly 71, a girl is the last thing I am. I've been known to tell people that I grew up a long time ago.
A girl by definition is an immature female.
A black man being called 'boy' is the same kind of insult.....

And I refuse to be a lady!

I have never been called dear, but that is more luck I think. However my pet HATE is being asked by youngsters ,and some not so young can I get you guys anything. or hi guys everything alright. i want scream do I look like a guy. Am I unreasonable? or just a very grumpy 64 year old/?

Guys refers to both males and females nowadays, nannan. It's the same as folks or people or yous (Scottishism) — an informal version of ladies and gentlemen.

Oxon70 I agree that a mature woman being called a girl is disparaging and insulting. On one occasion a car nearly hit me on a zebra crossing where all the other traffic had already stopped. The driver lowered his window and called out "Watch it girlie!" so I hit the side of his car with my extremely heavy briefcase. That was probably a criminal act but the dent was hugely satisfying.

Oh yes - at girlie I would draw the line!
I just went to IKEA cafe and the server called me "love". It was said in a pleasant and slightly nurturing way that i think is lovely. Straightforwardly pleasant. There is always the option to call them "pet" back or some such.
On other occasions this can of thing can be v patronising or just uncaring. Many NHS staff to a good line in it don't they, bellowing at all patients over 50 and calling them all dear.
However the 2011 prize for patronising use of "dear" goes to our esteemed PM. addressing a member of the opposition front bench.

If any of you missed this demonstration of ..... words fail me ..... see:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6rY7OAW4VY

I don`t mind being called Dear or Love, or Duck, there`s a damn sight worse that they could call me!

An older man can call a younger 'bonny lad' in my experience and the term 'canny lad/lass' with a similar meaning is often used as praise when talking about someon.
I dont mind 'dera ' at all though I dont think I have been called that-maybe it has connotations of the wolf in Red Riding Hood

numberplease, I agree,in London I have been called all of those plus darling, and I don't mind at all. I think people are less friendly here in the south and sometime mind bogglingly rude and aggressve. I was on a zebra crossing, cars had stopped, but a cyclist nearly knocked me down ,shouting" out the way you stupid cow" Nice. Sadly he was too fast for me to kick his spokes.

As they say where I live, "I dinnae mind whit they ca' me as long as they dinnae ca' me ower!" In other words, "I don't mind what they call me as long as they don't knock (ca') me over". Says it all really, doesn't it!

Many moons ago, I lived with a partner who insisted on calling me "girl." in the same way that he would have called a female dog by that word. I stopped this in its tracks by replying each time " Yes, pigshit, what is it?" - use the epithet of your choice!

I don't like "dear", but I've noticed that very often it seems to be used by men who may feel that they themselves are often belittled by those around them. I've come to the conclusion that addressing older women as "dear" is one of the ways they try to reclaim a little of the status they feel should be theirs.

I don't know if it's true or not but since I worked that out it doesn't bother me any more.

I think people are just being polite, they use the word because they do not know their name. If they were familiar with the person they would say Mrs Smith or Miss Jones. Dear is so much nicer than there you are or there you go.

I don`t know if my husband does it, hope not, but I hate to hear men say "the wife", it really grates on me. How would they like being referred to as "the husband"?

It is common practice in the north to say "our lass", I am always tempted to say "really, who do you share her with ?"

Oh dear, I seem to be guilty on multiple accounts. I will have to try to mend my ways. Trouble is, old habits die hard.

Born in Scotland I was very used to 'hen'. Married and Englishman, moved to Aylesbury and was called 'ducks'. Lived overseas for twenty years and was called Memsahib, Missy, Missus and various other epithets. Two months ago I was in the hairdressers and the young lad who washed my hair led me back to my seat saying 'Here you are, dear'! I was afronted, speechless and a bit upset. Why? It was the way it was said - dismissively, uncaringly and as if he had more important things to do - maybe he did, but if I ever see him again, he'd better watch out!!

I hate it when people I don't know call me by my first name when I haven't given them permission to do so - I know I'm probably hopelessly old fashioned but it is so disrespectful. And I hate being called "mate". Where did that come from?

Numberplease - I so agree about "the wife" - it's as though they're talking about the dog.