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Stricter parenting

(71 Posts)
nanapug Sun 31-Jul-11 20:13:31

Am watching "The world's strictest parents" (having watched the Jo Frost program earlier), and can't believe that some of today's parents can not see that the answer to uncontrollable children is firm parenting with rules and consequences. Some children in this country just walk all over their parents and the parents are weak and let them do it. I think we should be ashamed that these children have to be sent to other countries to learn how to live a decent life. My DD's watch and learn from these programs so why don't others? My GC are by no means perfect but......

Elegran Sun 14-Aug-11 12:43:54

Jangly I would never, never, say I won't love you any more. It is the most hurtful thing you can say to a child, and not even true. You can't stop loving a child. You may not like them all that much at that moment, but you still love them. As I said below, "Hate the sin, love the sinner"

yogagran Sun 14-Aug-11 13:14:17

Elegran I so applaud your comments. Your steps through from first warning to final punishment are brilliant. I suggest a GN campaign - "Elegran for home secretary" - unless someone else can suggest a better position.

Jangran Sun 14-Aug-11 13:36:23

Jo Frost simply returns the child to the naughty step until they give up trying to run away. It does work - I have tried it with grandchild number three (the only one that seems to need that kind of sanction).

As for loving, of course you don't stop loving a child. But a child doesn't know that. I am careful never to call a grandchild "naughty" - better, I think to say "you did a naughty thing - not like you to do that"

Baggy Sun 14-Aug-11 13:53:12

Yes, jangran. Tell them what you want them to do, to emphasise the good stuff. I often used to say "I want you to do such-and-such" if my daughters were doing stuff I didn't want them to do. The behavioural 'response' was always positive.

Elegran Sun 14-Aug-11 14:21:40

Oh yes, accentuate the positive. The carrot is better than the sitck (but a psychological carrot is better than an expensive bribe) And yes, it is the action that is naughty not the child. Give the impression that they are normally so helpful, this is just an aberration (even when they have been little **s all day. No-one said parenting is easy.)

But consistency is all - to let them get away with something half the time, and be in the wrong the other half is unfair to the child. Children are very aware of what is fair and what is not, and do not respect someone who vacillates.

Both parents having the same rules is a good thing too, playing one parent off against another is an early lesson in deviousness. Of course there are bound to be some differences, each parent had had a different upbringing and sees different things as essential good behaviour or not, but if their attitudes are wildly apart, they are in for trouble.

em Sun 14-Aug-11 15:21:24

Thank you ladies. Having read your comments I am happy to say that I did/said nothing at the time that would meet with your disapproval. I am a great believer in accentuating the positive and he responds really well to that (as have all of them). Distraction works well too, but at the time I was holding a baby who was on the point of falling asleep and I didn't want to 'dump' her to deal with him. It has resolved itself perfectly well but I did have a guilty conscience simply because it was an unusual position to find myself in.

Jangran Mon 15-Aug-11 13:48:33

That is another point, isn't it? Forgive yourself when something doesn't work out wonderfully. We are never too late to learn - even grans!

My second grandson is excellent at playing people off against each other. Should I ask him for something or tell him off when he is in certain moods, and when either of his parents are there, he immediately starts: "I want you, mummy/daddy". Amazingly, they fall for it every time! I have seen the same thing happen to daddy when mummy tells him off.

Children are so good at that game, that the only way of winning is to have a united front.

Joan Mon 15-Aug-11 14:15:20

I agree with almost everything here, and the following things seem to be universal amongst us.

Just say No when necessary, and stick to it.

Be consistent, and create boundaries.

Don't give little ones choices: just give them food, take them on outings etc as per your own choice.

Punish bad behaviour by something like the naughty step.

Make sure they know you love them.

I do remember reading a journalist's words, that parents are the boss, they are in charge: they are NOT entertainment directors for the children.

Jangran Mon 15-Aug-11 16:27:51

So, consistency and love?

Not a bad recipe for dealing with anyone, let alone children.

roroism Tue 16-Aug-11 10:43:06

I too was brought up with love but with clear cut boundaries. It is very important to know that parents arent being overly harsh, yet they are still firm and cant be taken advantage of. I feel growing up knowing the difference and parents educating their children on the difference is very important. As opposed to a general "I'm old, your young" authority figure - it is important to demonstrate the right from the wrong.

olliesgran Tue 16-Aug-11 12:28:44

All this reminds me of the culture shock I suffered when coming to live here from France nearly 40 yeas ago. It seemed to me even then that people relied too much on the "state" or school to parent their children. The cane was still used then, and I was shocked, not by the idea of corporal punishment as such, but by the fact that as a parent, I wouldn't be involved in sanctions imposed if my child misbehaved! I didn't have kids then, but I thought that if a child of mine misbehaved to the point where punishment was neeeded, I felt I should be informed and I should have been the one doig the punishing. My British friends didn't really understand what I meant! This is what would have happened back home. I was also shocked to learn that if a child causes damage by accident the parents have no legal obligation to take responsabilty for the damage, and as such, feels no moral obligation either. Back home, you don't have to prove malicious intent on the part of the child for parents to be responsible. All parents take on a "civil responsability" insurance anyway, to cover any damage caused by their child, even if caused accidentaly. It does bring it home that your kids are your responsability.

maxgran Tue 16-Aug-11 15:09:24

Many parents give up/give in because they cannot be bothered taking the time it may take to correct behaviour. If you keep returning a child to bed or the naughty step 10 times and then give in because the child persists- the child will learn it has to go through those steps 10 times before they win !

All of this takes time and patience and is like an endurance test - but if established when the child is very young it makes for a relatively peaceful future and more compliance later on.
Some children are more determined and stubborn than their parents and I think often its those parents who 'lose' the battles !

granmouse Wed 17-Aug-11 18:58:38

I am 67 and was never smacked as a child and didnt smack my children.I am impressed with my daughter and her husband's discipline methods with their boys [2 and 4].They start with;1]Dont do that!Then :2]Come here.Look at me.I asked you not to do that.This is your last warning.:3]Either sit on step,go to room or toy removed for set period of time [2 or 5 minutes for 'time-out' or up to half an hour for toy].
The boys are happy and polite and they have some lovely family times together.They are a pleasure to be with in company.
As for how to keep them on step-just keep putting them back-they get the message-its more fun to be good in that house anyway smile

olliesgran Wed 17-Aug-11 19:43:15

granmouse this is how it should be done and well done to your daughter and her husband! But it takes a lot of effort and time and unfortunately, some parents wont make the effort. Shouting "don't do that" is as far as they go, acting surprised when the child ignore them. Children have to know there are consequences to their "not complying". Your GCs have learnt this, thanks to their parents and everyone is much happier.

nanapug Sun 21-Aug-11 13:50:51

One of my DD's friends complains that her little girl wets her bed and always ends up in bed with her. However why can't she see that the child probably wets her bed on purpose so she can get in to her parent's bed. She is such a soft mum her children walk all over her and she can't see it.

Annobel Sun 21-Aug-11 14:02:11

The child's bedwetting isn't necessarily deliberate, nanapug. You don't say how old the girl is. When my DSs were starting to go through the night, we always picked them up for a wee before we went to bed and one of my GSs needed the same solution, though the others have been dry all night from the word go.

nanapug Sun 21-Aug-11 19:02:17

I am pretty sure this is deliberateAnnobel as she is nearly five and a very manipulative child. Sadly the mum's parenting skills are not good and they are not a happy family as a result. So much so, my DD no longer enjoys getting together with them. It is not a good experience sad Very sad....

mugnanny Thu 05-Jan-12 13:46:48

My Daughter took her 7 year old to school first day of new year. Heard a mother say to her child and anyone else listening Our new years resolution is to EAT SMOKE AND DRINK as much as we can, the child said I don't want to smoke, the mother replied "DO AS YOU ARE TOLD YOU WILL EAT SMOKE AND DRINK LIKE THE REST OF US " Only the language was interspersed with several 4 letter words. Nobody said anything but of course they should have, We live in fear now that the lunatics have taken over the assylum. How can we complain about childrens behaviour with parents like that. But then their grandparents are from our era and they must be responsible for the parents of today.

ninathenana Sat 07-Jan-12 17:43:57


I do use please when telling my DG No but I think the tone is important.

Rather than "stop that please" he gets "Don't do that please !" But I will dispense with the niceties if he persists grin

Carol Sat 07-Jan-12 18:06:35

Me too, nina. They get a 'please' the first time, but if they ignore it, I say 'I don't want you to do that' or 'we don't behave like that in my house.' If that's ignored, it's time out elsewhere in the house and they come back to apologise. Consistency is needed so they know.