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Daughters relationship advice/well thoughts really rather than advice?

(15 Posts)
bikergran Wed 10-Aug-11 21:01:13

Will try n make it very brief!
Daughter 28 works full time, clever girl degree auxillary nurse..has one son (my grandson 5) been in relation ship with sons dad for over 7 yrs (bad relationship he has done/said lots of nasty things and we hate him) finaly came to an end over 12 months ago and daughter moved near me new house ..grandson in good school etc.....grandson sees his daddy regulary (very important even thought i dont like him I have to remember he is grandsons daddy)!! he has always worked but did father anotehr child (whilst on a weeks break from daughter)!!!! but my daughter loves this other child like her own and has never thought any malice towards her (she lives with mother)
anyway daughter met a new chap 6 mnths with 3 chidren although at first daughter thought he only had 2 for some reason....of course there were the usual chocolates/flowers..then it dwindled... then new man travels over 300 miles each fortnight to pick up his 3 children and they all stay at daughters for the weekend....but!!!!!!! as time has gone on she finds this chap is a little work shy! and apparently always has been..days off late etc.and he is ordered by the courts to have his 3 chidren half of the holidays...well!! if you can find an employer that will sanction all these holidays then!! ... so there fore we have a chap that is not keen on work...cost him £80 each fortnight to go and collect children.
sooooooo they decided they would all move in we have all been helping painting etc etc working our butts off....then this chap gets laid off for a week.... then the boss wast him back in at short notice.....chap cant go in cos got no childare for 3 catch 22....
daughter has given her tenancy notice in and is now having serious doubts.... I must say she has looked misarable the last 4/5 months...not sure what she saw in this chap as he doesnt seem to make her laugh etc ...(I know we cant laugh when we have problems but!!) she is really having to ask herself is this chap going to sponge of he doesnt seem to hold down a job for long....or does she try and give it a chance with him, she works hard and is exhausted as up very early and starts work at 7 so has to get grandson to childminers very early..just wondered what opinions anyone had??? I know daughter has to sort it out herself...and I know!!!!! who she would like!!!! to be with.!! and its not the new chap...she would also like another child but new chap isnt keen (mind you dont blame him at the mo)! what would you advise if it was your! daughter.??

JessM Wed 10-Aug-11 21:12:57

Oh what a pain bikergran. Horrid. The runes are not very auspicious are they...
Suggest that you resist giving advice but try open questions e.g "You don't seem very excited about this move, what reservations are you having?" that kind of thing. The theory is if you can get people to work it out and say it themselves it is a million times more likely to stick that if someone tells them what they should do. It's called "influencing skills". Good luck.

bikergran Wed 10-Aug-11 21:28:24

lol ohh yes jessM we have had it out today and tonight.... I tyr to look at it from both sides.. and I do feel sorry for this new chap as he hasnt had it good....another thing he doesnt do is shower.brush teeth etc...very often or his children but I supposed that is the upbringing they have had also the middle child (5yrs old) has bowel problems and his mum is supposed to give him some kind of mixture each day but apparently doesnt they can be out where ever and he has these accidents..although when he has been at my daughters they seem to cure him!! then he falls back into the wayside..poor thing.. ok wel thanks for adivice.. no doubt things will sort them selves out but painfull watching others suffer.......keep

jangly Wed 10-Aug-11 21:28:46

I don't quite understand. You say you know who she would like to be with and its not the new chap. Who is it?

Sorry if I'm being thick.

glammanana Wed 10-Aug-11 22:34:01

OMG this sound's like de ja vue to me my DD meet a bloke when she had been divorced for 3yrs left with 4 little boy's,we helped her to get new house etc.She got a decent job and child care arranged all ok,she did not want to stay at home wanted to earn her living so got on with it
and all ok until she met him,it was 2YEARS before we found out he had a daughter of 16 and a son of 9 both to two differant women and who he had walked away from,my DD was completly besotted with him and in the end she was working 12 hr days and he was at home not working,and guess which muggins was collecting the DGC from school,luckly she saw
sence and got rid of him in february this year but he does not see it is any of his fault,the lie's,the laziness and also had an aversation to the bathroom,so I'd say steer clear,she may be upset for a while but she will get over it,and with you to help her she will be ok

jangly Wed 10-Aug-11 23:16:36

I think Biker went home to bed hours ago. hmm

glammanana Wed 10-Aug-11 23:32:13

I'm going now my little eye's are closing I need my beauty sleep
me think's.(glammapapa agree's)

bikergran Thu 11-Aug-11 07:27:52

jangly sorry yes was a bit cryptic! in her heart she knows and I know that she wants to be with grandsons dad, whom she was with over 7yrs....but the trauma he has brought to the family well!! hence we hate him.even though we have tried and tired to like him and put up with him.....the things he has done are too numeroud to mention..yet wehn people meet him you think butter wouldnot ,melt in the mouth....I would dearly love that eh would turn over a new leaf and mature! but!! like my mum always says about the leaopard!..... he is a mental abuser...and has ground my lovely daughter down to the ground..yet!! I know it his him she wnats to be with...we have no room for her to come and live here and it would give ehr a bit of thinking time..but in the meantime she has to decide if she and new chap wants to move into the house that we have all bene getting ready....daughetr lives round the corner from m and is/was happy enough living there...they are only moving to accomodate this new chasp lads that come up every fortnight and half of school holidays.also financialy with 2 wages coming in things would be easier.than they are now as she struggles to pay the big rent...(well would!!! be easier if the new chap stayed in work)>>>

bikergran Thu 11-Aug-11 07:39:20

sorry yes went to ebd was tired,,ben painting all day..
I dont think daughetr wold be too upset..but what would upset her is she has made good freinds with this new chaps step dad and partner they are really really lovely and says that my daughetr is the best thing that has happened to the "new chap we will call him Jack.... all 4 of us have been working hard with the house (it is his stepdads house hence no bond to pay and rent free for w a month until they get settled) that wa sthe tempting bit....the new house is about 8 milles away form me so not too far.but daughetr will have to get grandson ready dressed for school travel the 8 mile to take to childminders then get back over to where she works to be in work for 7-00am.
the new man Jack.!...has been piddling about at the house sort of foing a bit ehre n there..he does a bit on one wall then moves onto another job before hese finished the other job etc etc ..he is a kind hearted man, doesnt row or shout, is very very laid back..would fall over if any more!! he is also in debt..but then my daughetr has fe debts but si working ahrd to clear them.....I think if i am right that if!! thye ever got married that both their wages would be taken into consideration for mantianence but im not sure maybe some can corretc me on that......the new chap had been with his ex 9 yrs..they nevr had a holiday and they got marreis last yr and it lasted 3 weeks before she said she didnt want hm any more!!! but of course now he has found some one, she wants him back!! hmmmm I know I can advice my daughter and she would go with my advice (I think) I am in a quander as to maybe say "well have a go and a try with new man" but then is she just wasting ehr time moving furniture/fianancial/grandson etc then having to do it all again....grand son is a bright littlw chap..and when these 3 lads comes he likes it..but at times when I he is a bit over welmed....he is quite polite....and has prob been a bit spoilt......the otehr 3 have no manners etc you couldnt take them out for tea etc...they just havnt bene brougt up lie it sounds liek my daugetr is being strict with them but really she is just practicing what she has done with her own son..phewwwwwwwww to early for all this in a morning...thanks all for any soz about spelling I am rushing....

JessM Thu 11-Aug-11 08:27:57

I don't have a good feeling about this and neither do you. Will he be a good stepfather for your grandson...?

ElseG Thu 11-Aug-11 08:53:14

Oh bikergran poor you, and I thought I had problems! Why do our girls think they must have someone else in their lives immediately after one relationship breaks down? If only they could just enjoy time with their families for a while until they could think more clearly.

No wonder you are feeling tired. Look after yourself and don't overdo it because it would not be good for you to go down ill.

Nanban Thu 11-Aug-11 10:46:42

The thing about advice is that the person asking for it really wants the reassurance of you having the same opinion - advice is the one thing given freely and very rarely taken. And of course the advice-giver is the blame-taker should it all go wrong.

Just love her and support her if you can in whatever she tries to do. Bit of a useless opinion really.

Baggy Thu 11-Aug-11 11:00:24

Not useless, nanban. You're quite right.

jangly Thu 11-Aug-11 11:48:03

She needs to ditch him. Hard I know, but still....

Tell her it can be fine to be man-less. Loads of people these days really like it.

bikergran Thu 11-Aug-11 13:12:32

I think you al thinkt he same as me....the trouble wit the move is where she is now is a lovely detached 2 bed house small and modern with lovely big garden..her rent is £525 a month plus bills and debt she got very little left. also has to run her car.
The house sh is moving to is an older house but has big garden 4 bed rooms quite oldfahioshoiend but that was the style of it...we have worked hard and changed all the dark dingy paintwork to lovely glossy whiet and magnolis walls...etc she is ahving to look for another property to accomodate his 3 lads who are ermm bit unruly no dicapline..etc (you cant really take them all out to an eating place, apart from Mcdonals etc as they would not behave)...of course they have had upset of dad leaving but it ws the um that told him to go...... daughter has forked out money for his petrol £80 on a few occasions then me!! yes me!! have had to pay for her childcare!! hmmmm but we all do it dont we......I have just heard from her and she is going to move to the new house with the new chap as she has no otehr alternatives.... hopefully he will stick to this job and they wil half the rent bills etc and she will be able to save up enough to maybe move back out if things dont work out....I am painting him black but he is not a bad lad..he is just so slow and laid back and not used to getting on with things..just sits n watched the world go by...where as daughter is organised etc..he is good hearted enough but he isnt a challange!!!! (and we all like a challange dont we).....she doesnt wnat to move in with him...but cant stay where she is as she has no money left after her monthly we will looks like I am going to carry on painting ... just get the basic finished as I dont want to spend money on wallpaper so i will get the emulsion done.....I know wht she really wants is to get back with her sons dad and she has always wanted another child she has good job etc.....she has told me this morning she is so unhappy/misarable etc she has got cystytis again I think that maybe a sighn of being run she off to docs later..

thanks for all your kind what we do without gransnet ??
ok I will put my probelms to bed for a while now..and lets see if we can sort anyone elses out smile thanks for listening...