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I just don't trust her

(32 Posts)
christineH Wed 24-Aug-11 23:06:15

My DIL that is. She and my son split up only about a month ago. He has been suffering from depression and is on some serious medication. Since he's been with us he has got full time work (he had been unemployed for three years) which is doing him so much good and I can see him improving by the day. His wife is 40 and has never worked and has always lived on benefits. Yesterday I received a phone call from her saying that a neighbour had contacted the social services to report that my son had moved back in with her and they immediately stopped her money so she has no money for new school uniforms food etc. I can't believe that SS would stop paying money to a single mum with two children on a phone call from a neighbour without any sort of substantiation. But I am so torn. Only one of the children is my grandchild and I want to help him but I hate the thought that I'm going to be yet another one she sponges from.

This really is driving me nutty - I work still but don't earn much. I just wish she'd TRY!! angry

Jacey Wed 24-Aug-11 23:14:01

You are correct ...SS do not act on an unsubstantiated phone call.

Be pro-active ...go and see them yourself honest with them ...your concern is your grandson ...SS will listen...although they will not exchange confidential information with you.

You are obviously doing your son a lot of good ...stay focussed on that. smile

christineH Wed 24-Aug-11 23:21:26

Thank you so much Jacey. I will contact them tomorrow although I know they won't tell me anything, at least I can tell them he has been here since July. So far as J is concerned we're doing all we can. smile

glammanana Wed 24-Aug-11 23:26:34

christineH even if they had stopped her money she obviously is aware that she can get crisis loan to cover her until the aligation's have been proved or disproved,so she will not be without money I think, and they just don't stop your money they would have called her in for an interview

christineH Wed 24-Aug-11 23:36:00

Yes she did mention a crisis loan, but has been hitting on J (and me) about it. I figured they would have done a house visit at least to check if he was there. I would have thought that if they suspected some sort of fraud they'd investigate first seeing as there are children involved. The phone call was apparently made on the 18th of this month. It's only the 24th!!

glammanana Wed 24-Aug-11 23:50:08

I think that the date's prove that something is wrong here,as there is only three working day's (take away the week-end) and that is not long enough to stop any payment's I think as payments are put into clearing bank 3/4 days before due date,I know this as DD had problem's earlier in the year,is it possible to take your sonwith you to the office concerned and insist to speak to the desk manager regarding the aligation's

absentgrana Thu 25-Aug-11 09:51:14

Just a thought – has someone else moved in with her?

JessM Thu 25-Aug-11 10:31:33

Yup neighbour could have spotted a gentleman caller who is not your son...
Just another thought, this may be a try on to get some money. I have come across some game-playing ex wives in my time who despite having fantastic maintenance and no money worries, do things like send the kids over for a weeks holiday with dad, with only torn t shirts etc to wear... Miserable behaviour but there is a lot of it about it seems.

christineH Thu 25-Aug-11 11:42:39

No she hasn't had anyone else move in with her. I do believe it's a ruse to get money as her mother has always given her whatever she wants. I know J is giving her money - she asked for money to get her car taxed so he gave it to her. And now I'm feeling guilty too. But I'm also very cynical!

nanachrissy Thu 25-Aug-11 12:42:56

It's really just blackmail of a kind, so I wouldn't give in or she will never be off your back! angry

JessM Thu 25-Aug-11 13:08:09

Yes be strong christineH. Urge to give and protect descendants very strong. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

maxgran Thu 25-Aug-11 14:49:41

SS do not immediately stop the money. They have at least to interview your DiL - Have they done so ?
Its not just done over the phone.

HildaW Thu 25-Aug-11 15:39:58

My daughter works for would take a few interview and some investigation before they stopped payment.

jackyann Thu 25-Aug-11 16:50:18

I know it's easy to get agencies muddled, but if you have posted what your DiL said then she is wrong.
Social SERVICES do not deal with benefits - they rarely deal with any money. Social SECURITY deal with benefits and as others have said, don't just stop them.
A neighbour may well have reported your DiL to either. If it is S/Security, then I would stay out of it.
If someone has reported concerns about the welfare of the children to S/Services, then they will be in touch with your son & you.

I would suggest that if you are concerned about the children and wish to spend money on them, then take charge yourself. Say you (or your son) will take them to buy school uniform (make sure they try it on, and keep the receipts yourself). Have them over & give them a good meal.

So sorry you have to be dealing with this.

christineH Thu 25-Aug-11 22:07:28

Yes it's Social security not social services, sorry I'm not up so much on the terminology but I see it's important. I saw her tonight and she just muddied the waters talking about this claim and that claim and the housing officers. I do have all my marbles but she got me confused. If only she'd put so much effort into helping herself she might be in with a chance (sorry, that was bitchy) Maxgran no they haven't interviewed her, in fact she was only told when she rang THEM to ask where her payment was and was told that she had been reported so her claim had been suspended. I offered to ring them and she thanked me but said she doubted they would speak to a third party, so I have asked J if he will.

Thanks Nanachrissy, I think so too, but if I'm wrong which I don't think I am then I'm the bitch from hell.

( Nice name btw. wink)

glammanana Thu 25-Aug-11 22:13:17

christineH I spoke with my friend who work's in the Social Security Offices and she confirmed to me that yor DIL would be asked in for an interview before payment is stopped.

christineH Thu 25-Aug-11 22:16:38

Thank you very much Glammanana. Very interesting. Hmmmmmm. angry

Annobel Thu 25-Aug-11 23:18:03

Social Security aka Dept of Work and Pensions, this week at least; who knows what they will be called next week. Oh and Benefits Agency too.

jackyann Fri 26-Aug-11 15:30:34

Christine - I don't think you need to apologise for not being up on the terminology; but I do think that this woman is using it to confuse you (actually I think that's what the Government do as well)

JaneEjackson Fri 26-Aug-11 16:09:15

Agree with all the above, payments not stopped just like that over the phone.
From personal experience never give money, if something needs buying then buy the item, school uniform etc.

HildaW Fri 26-Aug-11 18:30:19

Annobel..........quite...although daughter works for the dept that deals with this sort of thing.....never know what to call it.....just use term everyone else is familiar with!

christineH Fri 26-Aug-11 21:29:57

Well my son has gone off to work in France for a week, and has warned me that she will be ringing me to ask for some money which he will pay me back when he gets home. That's OK I will, but I will take my opportunity to speak to her about not doing anything for herself. I actually think it'll take some guts to ask me but I bet she does. Oh God I do hate being a horrible MIL but sometimes things have to be said. Do you agree? I've always kept out of all their business until now.

Thank you for all your supportive messages.

glammanana Fri 26-Aug-11 22:13:36

christineH do not think of yourself as horrible MIL it may just what DIL needs to be told,she may think you are going to walk on egg shell's with her,but just be cool and calm when you speak to her. Best of Luck

christineH Fri 26-Aug-11 22:39:17

Thank you Glam smile I have known her for 8 years and have always held back from commenting on anything of importance, but I do think the time has come. I will stay calm. And thank you smile

glammanana Fri 26-Aug-11 22:47:08

I've been down a similar road but with SIL and believe me I saved it up for 10yrs and the feeling is fantastic when it come's out in a nice calm manner and the person is left speechless.