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I just don't trust her

(33 Posts)
christineH Wed 24-Aug-11 23:06:15

My DIL that is. She and my son split up only about a month ago. He has been suffering from depression and is on some serious medication. Since he's been with us he has got full time work (he had been unemployed for three years) which is doing him so much good and I can see him improving by the day. His wife is 40 and has never worked and has always lived on benefits. Yesterday I received a phone call from her saying that a neighbour had contacted the social services to report that my son had moved back in with her and they immediately stopped her money so she has no money for new school uniforms food etc. I can't believe that SS would stop paying money to a single mum with two children on a phone call from a neighbour without any sort of substantiation. But I am so torn. Only one of the children is my grandchild and I want to help him but I hate the thought that I'm going to be yet another one she sponges from.

This really is driving me nutty - I work still but don't earn much. I just wish she'd TRY!! angry

christineH Mon 19-Sep-11 08:45:51

Thank you I will show him that. Good to know if the friendly arrangement stops working.

Annobel Tue 13-Sep-11 08:33:14

Although the Child Support Agency rightly has its detractors, I suggest that your DS goes to their web site to find out how much he would have to contribute through them. At least she wouldn't be able to use him as a cash cow whenever she wanted to.

christineH Tue 13-Sep-11 06:49:58

I kept out of it in the end. She now has had her benefits reinstated and my son gave her 150 for their school uniforms. Although I felt guilty I didn't help her out as she appears to have no shame in asking for more and more. J said he feels like her personal ATM machine. Grrr. I have suggested that he gives her X amount per month and NO MORE.

BTW the children are 11 and 8 so certainly old enough for her to be working.

minniemouse Mon 12-Sep-11 22:35:12

No point in going to SS - there are no longer SS offices - Jobcentreplus is the order of the day, and unless you are jobhunting they don't help. All SS and benefit enquiries have to be done by phone.

Just don't want you to have a wasted journey !

Nanban Fri 09-Sep-11 11:50:26

She doesn't ever need to try when she has nice people who help her out. If all the agencies have stopped helping her they must have a reason. She isn't owed, or entitled to - she is a grown up who is responsible for the children she has and until she helps herself a bit at least, she hasn't earnt any help. The old saying cruel to be kind works here.

nannym Sat 27-Aug-11 11:41:23

I'm sorry to say that I have a step daughter who sounds exactly like this DIL. My DH is taken in by her every time she rings saying she needs money. She has two children, 11 and 10 and is now on her own again after her second divorce. By the way, neither of the ex-husbands are the father of the children. She recently contacted us to say that she needed to get the oldest child a blazer for her new school, which would cost £40 and the benefits agency wouldn't give her a crisis loan. This time I insisted that DH went with her and bought the blazer because I just know that if he had given her the cash it would have gone on cigarettes and booze. The girl has never worked and knows every scam in the book to get people to pay for things for her. The tragedy is that the two children are now showing signs of becoming just like her, in fact the oldest one said that she wasn't going to get a job when she left school, she could get pregnant like Mum had done (Mum was in fact just 16 when she had the baby) and she'd get a free house and loads of money. I despair! Sorry for diverting from the proper thread, but had to get this off my chest.

dorsetpennt Sat 27-Aug-11 10:53:11

ChristineH you haven't said how old the two children are - as long as they aren't really young there is no reason why your DIL couldn't work. However often the benefits she receives are often greater then a wage. Benefits often come with perks like Council Tax benefits, free school meals and free dental treatment for her. It's a really catch 22 situation. The Benefits Agency would have watched her home for some time after a tip off to ensure that she does have someone living with her. They don't just take a neighbour's word for it. I know you're worried about your grandchild but try not to give her any money but if you do insist she declares it to the Agency or you will - they will be interested to know she is getting extra money.

glammanana Fri 26-Aug-11 22:47:08

I've been down a similar road but with SIL and believe me I saved it up for 10yrs and the feeling is fantastic when it come's out in a nice calm manner and the person is left speechless.

christineH Fri 26-Aug-11 22:39:17

Thank you Glam smile I have known her for 8 years and have always held back from commenting on anything of importance, but I do think the time has come. I will stay calm. And thank you smile

glammanana Fri 26-Aug-11 22:13:36

christineH do not think of yourself as horrible MIL it may just what DIL needs to be told,she may think you are going to walk on egg shell's with her,but just be cool and calm when you speak to her. Best of Luck

christineH Fri 26-Aug-11 21:29:57

Well my son has gone off to work in France for a week, and has warned me that she will be ringing me to ask for some money which he will pay me back when he gets home. That's OK I will, but I will take my opportunity to speak to her about not doing anything for herself. I actually think it'll take some guts to ask me but I bet she does. Oh God I do hate being a horrible MIL but sometimes things have to be said. Do you agree? I've always kept out of all their business until now.

Thank you for all your supportive messages.

HildaW Fri 26-Aug-11 18:30:19

Annobel..........quite...although daughter works for the dept that deals with this sort of thing.....never know what to call it.....just use term everyone else is familiar with!

JaneEjackson Fri 26-Aug-11 16:09:15

Agree with all the above, payments not stopped just like that over the phone.
From personal experience never give money, if something needs buying then buy the item, school uniform etc.

jackyann Fri 26-Aug-11 15:30:34

Christine - I don't think you need to apologise for not being up on the terminology; but I do think that this woman is using it to confuse you (actually I think that's what the Government do as well)

Annobel Thu 25-Aug-11 23:18:03

Social Security aka Dept of Work and Pensions, this week at least; who knows what they will be called next week. Oh and Benefits Agency too.

christineH Thu 25-Aug-11 22:16:38

Thank you very much Glammanana. Very interesting. Hmmmmmm. angry

glammanana Thu 25-Aug-11 22:13:17

christineH I spoke with my friend who work's in the Social Security Offices and she confirmed to me that yor DIL would be asked in for an interview before payment is stopped.

christineH Thu 25-Aug-11 22:07:28

Yes it's Social security not social services, sorry I'm not up so much on the terminology but I see it's important. I saw her tonight and she just muddied the waters talking about this claim and that claim and the housing officers. I do have all my marbles but she got me confused. If only she'd put so much effort into helping herself she might be in with a chance (sorry, that was bitchy) Maxgran no they haven't interviewed her, in fact she was only told when she rang THEM to ask where her payment was and was told that she had been reported so her claim had been suspended. I offered to ring them and she thanked me but said she doubted they would speak to a third party, so I have asked J if he will.

Thanks Nanachrissy, I think so too, but if I'm wrong which I don't think I am then I'm the bitch from hell.

( Nice name btw. wink)

jackyann Thu 25-Aug-11 16:50:18

I know it's easy to get agencies muddled, but if you have posted what your DiL said then she is wrong.
Social SERVICES do not deal with benefits - they rarely deal with any money. Social SECURITY deal with benefits and as others have said, don't just stop them.
A neighbour may well have reported your DiL to either. If it is S/Security, then I would stay out of it.
If someone has reported concerns about the welfare of the children to S/Services, then they will be in touch with your son & you.

I would suggest that if you are concerned about the children and wish to spend money on them, then take charge yourself. Say you (or your son) will take them to buy school uniform (make sure they try it on, and keep the receipts yourself). Have them over & give them a good meal.

So sorry you have to be dealing with this.

HildaW Thu 25-Aug-11 15:39:58

My daughter works for would take a few interview and some investigation before they stopped payment.

maxgran Thu 25-Aug-11 14:49:41

SS do not immediately stop the money. They have at least to interview your DiL - Have they done so ?
Its not just done over the phone.

JessM Thu 25-Aug-11 13:08:09

Yes be strong christineH. Urge to give and protect descendants very strong. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

nanachrissy Thu 25-Aug-11 12:42:56

It's really just blackmail of a kind, so I wouldn't give in or she will never be off your back! angry

christineH Thu 25-Aug-11 11:42:39

No she hasn't had anyone else move in with her. I do believe it's a ruse to get money as her mother has always given her whatever she wants. I know J is giving her money - she asked for money to get her car taxed so he gave it to her. And now I'm feeling guilty too. But I'm also very cynical!

JessM Thu 25-Aug-11 10:31:33

Yup neighbour could have spotted a gentleman caller who is not your son...
Just another thought, this may be a try on to get some money. I have come across some game-playing ex wives in my time who despite having fantastic maintenance and no money worries, do things like send the kids over for a weeks holiday with dad, with only torn t shirts etc to wear... Miserable behaviour but there is a lot of it about it seems.