Personal space

It's very hard to explain the reasons for wanting to be on your own in bed in another room without offence being taken, I think. Our 'other-arfs' can take it personally - and really how can they understand how much we sometimes need to be on our own as we get older? It's not a slight against them - it's more of a need within ourselves. We're just not the same as them, that's all, perhaps?

Greenmossgiel.....oh you are so right. He would be unhappy if I moved out, and in a way I'm not really sure I really want to be in another room. But when I 'come to' in the night I would so like to just put the light on and read a bit more to clear my mind again. I've done a lot of worrying these last couple of years and its hard to stop. I've sort of developed a strategy whereby I have a glass of water by my bed and if I wake I have a sip of this (in the dark) and it helps, but I've had to work at it. I suppose its a sort of self-hypnosis. I think a lovely compromise would be a slightly bigger bedroom (we are in a lovely little barn which is quite 'cottagy' upstairs) and those wonderful hollywood style generous single beds you used to see in the old films.

HildaW, I can empathise with you. Over the last year or so, I've had many times when I would wake in a blind panic, with my heart thumping away and the only place I wanted to be was 'somewhere else'. If DH woke up I just wouldn't have been able to explain my worries because he wouldn't have understood and may have then worried about me worrying, and have been angry about the cause of it all. Being in another room would have helped this quite a bit. Reading helps, I agree, but to do that the light must go on and DH is disturbed. Your little barn sounds lovely -

Jacey - I, too, agree with you whole-heartedly. Personal time and space is vital.

Oh Annobel I do agree with you. I've had my own space as it were for 17 years now - my husband died 17 years ago today. I do still miss him, but I have built myself the busiest life and believe it or not I do from time to time enjoy a day totally to myself, and I nearly always enjoy coming home after a busy day with things to do and people to see, closing the door and just being me. So it's a little of what you fancy that does you good - too much of my space is called loneliness.

I suspect that many women would like their own bedroom - and I know a few who are creeping off to the spare room most nights and in a marriage you should be able to speak about things like that. My DH went off to America and was away two university terms and although it was lovely when he came back after 9 months, I realised that I had got used to sleeping alone again. That was many years ago and it was when we were over 60 that we decided to sleep apart. Mostly because I was often awake and wanted to read.

Like Harrigan I had to share a bed sometimes with my mother when my father was on nights, and with cousins and aunts and even with my grandmother. I really have had enough of that.

And there was me thinking I was odd. I am so pleased there are so many of you out there that feel the need for "A room of one's own". My advice to anyone that wants there own personal space/bed is DO IT. This life is not a dress rehearsal. He will get over it, he may even feel he likes a bit of space to himself.

We recently bought a new mattress. It was quite expensive. I did most of the choosing. Well, he agreed.

Now, I really don't like it.

Would it be unfair to sleep in the spare bed and leave him to it.

I haven't asked him if he likes it.

It would be cruel, wouldn't it.

I agree about the reading Charlotta. Would be good. He is a very light sleeper.

jangly - that's a very good reason for moving through to the spare room. He WILL like his new bed, because it was so expensive he HAS to like it. Maybe you could tell him that he could 'wear it in' for you like a pair of shoes?

See, the trouble with it is, its got a lot of extra padding on top of what would be the normal mattress. That goes down when you lie on it and there is a ridge in the middle where we don't lie. So its like sleeping on the side of a hill.

And its too flipping soft. We nearly waited for the firmer version. (impatient! Everything's got to be to-day. )

It's worse than buying a car isn't it Jangly - at least the car can be traded in if you can't get on with it. And you are, hopefully, not trying to sleep on it.
And if you do strike lucky and get the mattress/sleeping arrangements of your dreams it makes holidays a challenge. The prize for rock hard uncomfortable mattresses goes to.... Greece. (unless they have seen the light since i was last there.)

Now, the holiday cottage we have just been in was quite new and the mattress was georgeous. Makes mine feel worse.

I will get used to it.

We have the same problems Jangly with a mattress, one of these change shape when you lie on it types, I find it very hot and sticky, DH loves it, so...I often wake up in the spare rooms!

Beware, Jangly! We spent a week in a holiday cottage with the best mattress I have ever slept on - so when we came home, as we needed a new bed, we bought one (at huge expense - nearly a thousand pounds just for the blooming mattress). I have hated it ever since; it didn't feel the same - I woke up every night for the first week feeling as if I was cooking. DH said it was perhaps a trifle warm but he sleeps quite happily on it. We had the manufacturer in to inspect it and they could find nothing wrong with the damn thing and insisted they hadn't changed the manufacture. So I put up with it, but when we move it is going to be consigned to the spare room.... or I am!

Men and women lie differently in bed, distribution of weight blah, blah therefore we are never going to agree on mattress type. Best reason I know for having separate beds. Told my sister this and she says "we have two mattresses on one base thus ensuring we get what we like" She does live in Germany though and I do not have the space for a six foot bed.

Personal space...

One of my daughters has a superkingsize bed. They could fit the whole family in it, but the children are never allowed in except for a short time in the morning. Apparently my son-in-law needs the space... (and yes, they are very happily married).

Me - I have my own study. Bliss. I "need" it for my work, but I couldn't bear sharing anyway. We share a 4' 6" double bed, with a new mattress. It is supersprung and reverts to its original shape when we get out of bed, and it is much cooler than the original padded mattress. Still not cool enough for my hot feet, though.

Personal space...

Does anyone else have an "island"? It is where I go in my mind whenever I want to. No-one else is allowed there - I can "return" if I want company. The Island has everything exactly the way I want it.

I sold the idea to my eldest grandson (he opted for a planet, not an island) and my daughter. She likes her island too. I am wondering how many children would like the idea?

We bought a queen size bed a while back - it was a huge great thing, six foot wide and as high as the "princess and the pea" bed. I had such trouble changing the duvet cover for such a big bed that after a year we got rid of it and have now got a king size one. Turning the mattress was nigh on impossible and now we have a memory foam mattress which doesn't need turning but I do find it a bit warm.

We have a super king bed which is really 2x 3' beds zipped together; it's a wonderful space, the only problem being that when he turns over I nearly boing up to the ceiling and it always wakes me up. Even with all that space he sleeps with his arm under his pillow stretching out behind my pillow and the hand twitches and I can hear it through the pillow - it drives me nuts. I would love to have that bed in one of the spare rooms and I do often end up in another room, but it's not quite the same; I have suggested that as he is the fidget and snorer that he should move but it falls on deaf ears (literally) I can't bear people being near to me and have one neighbour who, when we meet in the street gets nearer and nearer that very often we are at least 10 feet up the road by the time the conversation is over! I was at boarding school and my excuse is that having spent all that time in close proximity to others, it has affected me ever since. I love company - but just not too close

Oh I have always wanted my own bed and own bedroom...(not that hubby shares the same idea) lol..we have just been away to Whitby where we had twin beds (space of about 2 ft in between)...when we got back home (double bed cos cant fit 2 singles in) hubby said Oh I feel safer and more comfortable when your here!!! ) well what could I say to that bless him as he is not well.......unfortunatly we had to come home afetr the fist night as he wasnt very well..but I did manage to get my FISH N CHIPS meal in lol...
my sanctury was the spare bedroom with mt little desk n computer..etc..but I let hubby have it for his train set it keeps him occupied, hence my laptop is now downstairs tucked in a corner..lol.but the tv is on in the background and for some reason he always sems to have to radio on these days all day....! when I like it quiet... but there we go we all ahve a cross to bare lol...

pride possesions!! my bike and I Don't !!! like anybody touching it! they can look but not! touch. just remembered got some left from last night.. bikergran walks over to fridge slurrrrrrrrp maybe enough for

My ideal set-up would be 3 terraced cottages, one each end for each of us and one in the middle for when we wanted to be together(maybe Christmas with the family!!!!)

biker - you sound a very loving and understanding wife. I hope he appreciates you. Sounds like he does.

My dh has the radio on most of the day, but luckily he is in the shed.

He's not actually in the shed at the moment! I let him in at night.

The Tudors and the Victorians had the right idea about personal space- just look at their wide skirts!