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Need help, but...

(50 Posts)
crimson Thu 29-Sep-11 10:27:27

Sorry everyone , but need a shoulder to cry on. I need help with something over the weekend; nothing much and no great inconvernience to anyone, but no help sems to be forthcoming and, if it is it's rather grudgingly offered [not really offered as I've had to ask for it]. The S.O. and I do anything for anyone and put our childrens' needs before our own..friends, neighbours etc we totally go out of our way to help people. We offer help before it's asked for if we feel anyone needs it. Perhaps it's a learning curve. Sorry to whinge but I needed to let off steam a bit blush.

absentgrana Thu 29-Sep-11 10:33:37

crimson Have a bit of a weep if it will make you feel better. I understand exactly why you feel hard done by. You and your S. O. are obviously capable, kind and strong people. Unfortunately, this often gets taken for granted and others do not always realise that you might occasionally need a helping hand and that your feelings can be hurt simply because you are seen as so able and resilient. People are often thoughtless rather than actively unkind. I hope someone does come to your rescue and does so cheerfully.

crimson Thu 29-Sep-11 10:55:57

Thanks. I'm probably being a bit pig headed because someone that agreed to help [not for free, I hasten to add] hasn't got back to me, and I hate phoning people to remind them. My boss once said I needed to go on an assertiveness course, and I think she's right. I'm so worried about offending people that I usually make things worse by not saying anything.

Elegran Thu 29-Sep-11 12:07:44

crimson Phone them. You don't need to be aggressive - if you want to soften the blow, ask them when they mean to start, as you have other things to fit round them. If they have just let you slip down their list, that will make them think about how to get on with it. If they are unable to help soon, it gives you a chance to say you will find someone else to do it. If they really have no intention of doing what they promised, then it will be obvious and you can let them know that you are disappointed - just how annoyed you get depends on you.

Because you are worth it.

crimson Thu 29-Sep-11 12:19:53

I think it's time to clear the air with my family and point out that I do lots of childminding and sometimes expect something in return [well, I don't really, I'm so so lucky to be able to do so if that makes sense?]. But does anyone else find [I know we've discussed this before] that our kids that are juggling working and raising a family and rely on us to help seem so preoccupied with their own lives that they don't see the wider picture? And my life seems of little interest to them [even though I think I actually do more interesting things than they do]. Oh, what a whinger I am today; sorry folks! [and the sun's shining as well and, y'know what, I'm moaning about that because I'd planned a weekend away with warm clothes and now I don't know what to pack. Someone shoot me...

Jacey Thu 29-Sep-11 12:43:08

Crimson I so agree with the points you are making ... " so, preoccuppied with their own lives" ..."not seeing the wider picture" ... "my life seems of little interest to them". That's why I've decided to go off on holiday abroad for my birthday next week ...can't cope with the family hassle of who is/is not available/interested in doing what I'd like to do.

So no don't need 'shooting' ...just make the effort to occassionally put yourself and SO first ...enjoy your life crimson ...we all only get one crack at it!! Make the most of it!! smile

syberia Thu 29-Sep-11 12:50:33

I feel just the same as you, Crimson. I, too, have great difficulty saying no, and i rarely ask for help, luckily because I rarely need to. I agree with you in that our kids are preoccupied with their own lives and they don't take much interest in ours ( in fact sometimes I have even noticed the odd snigger when telling them about something I have been interested in!)
I also think it is because they have always seen us as strong people and when they were growing up we would often protect them from our problems, so they now don't think we have any, or they really genuinely think we can manage, because we always have!!
I think sometimes we don't ask for help because we have got ourselves into that trap of always managing and are actually a little afraid of asking.

And it's always good to "have a moan", it helps!

shysal Thu 29-Sep-11 13:13:14

I think I have made the mistake of being too self sufficient - helpless women annoy me. I have been told that I am very difficult to help, so I think nobody bothers to offer because I so often refuse, knowing how busy they all are. I was, however, rather hurt when I moved house single handedly,after my divorce, with no assistance at all. I very reluctantly had to ask a new neighbour to help me stand up a heavy mirrored Ikea wardrobe which I had assembled on its back.When family visited, they did not even ask how I had coped!
Perhaps we should allow ourselves to be helped sometimes, because,as we know, it does feel good to give our time to others.

crimson Thu 29-Sep-11 13:18:30

That's just it; when I said I was going to pay someone to do it for me no one said 'don't worry, we'll do it'. I'm now in a mindset of 'in future I won't drop everything to help you' but, y'know what I still will. Sometimes I try to say something in a way that the reply would be 'well, I'll help with that, but then I just get a yes or no. I'm now on a guilt trip feeling that I didn't do enough to help my parents sad.

harrigran Thu 29-Sep-11 14:10:12

crimson have just been telling DH about you and your problem, his reaction was "where does she live, can I help ?" If you are in the north east PM me and we will help.

crimson Thu 29-Sep-11 14:19:37

harrigran; if I lived in the NE I wouldn't have a problem. I spend a lot of time oop north and everyone helps everyone else. Thanks for your kind offer!

Sbagran Thu 29-Sep-11 14:23:30

Oh Crimson, Shysal and all who have been 'down that road' how very much I sympathise. OG and I moved house last month. DD and partner were a great help and S2 did a bit when he could but often had better things to do. However S1 - who still lives part time with us and part time with fiancee basically did ****** all!
I have a friend who, to be fair, has been through a lot over the past ten years or so. OG and I have supported her 100% - mopping up tears, listening and making appropriate soothing comments to all her moans and groans. For all those years she has spent virtually every Sunday lunch and afternoon with us, been on holidays abroad with us and even if we've taken a quick weekend away we have often taken her with us. Not many OGs would have put up with her tantrums.
Sadly she had a ruck with a mutual friend recently and really threw her toys out of the pram. Being friends with both I can see both sides of what happened and know that in this case she is the one being totally paranoid over the whole affair. I tried my best to cajole her into accepting what had happened and drawing a line but she stubbornly refuses to put it behind her.
Now she only speaks to me if we meet along the way and will only communicate if I text or email her first. I am sick of the whole thing.
She accused me of taking sides which I definitely did not as the other person concerned is often 'wrong' and when he is wrong I am the first to say so.
Throughout our house move I didn't have a single offer of help from her except a 'half-hearted aside' before it all started - if you want any help you know where I am. I appreciate she would not have been able to carry loaded boxes etc but could have helped in so many ways - even if she had just texted and said "You two need a break when can I take you out for Sunday lunch or a meal" but nothing.
Just a text saying I know you are busy but just to let you know I am thinking of you wasn't forthcoming!
So many people say "You know where I am" don't they - the trouble is we know where they are NOT!!!
Moan over !!!

granto7 Thu 29-Sep-11 14:29:45

Hello Crimson so sorry about your problem,but how heartwarming to read that Harrigan's D H offered to help The age of chivalry is not dead

crimson Thu 29-Sep-11 14:39:11

I feel 100% better now. Thanks everyone. Perhaps we come from a time where people pulled together? xxxx

Baggy Thu 29-Sep-11 14:47:07

Glad you're feeling better, crimson, and I hope whatever it is that you need help with goes smoothly and that you find it easier to ask for (demand?) help in future.

Cheers for Mr Harrigran! smile

absentgrana Thu 29-Sep-11 15:29:23

Glad you're feeling better crimson. I think that part of the problem with the next generation is that they see us purely as mums – not people with our own lives, concerns, worries and needs. I think, too, that they forget that we are not quite so young as we once were and things that we once managed easily can be a bit more of an effort these days – even if we're not yet in our dotage (which they also sometimes, paradoxically, think we are). Just as every generation seems to think that it invented sex, I suspect each thinks it's having a harder time raising children than the ones that have gone before. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose, I fear.

greenmossgiel Thu 29-Sep-11 16:50:14

crimson, I do so understand where you are coming from with all this - and everyone else who has posted similarly. One of my friends has a really close family, and they're always there to help them whenever something comes up, however small. My own family aren't so forthcoming, though. My son has recognised that his dad is getting older, and still does all of the things like cutting bits of trees and pulls bushes out of the garden, and has said that we should let him know if we need a hand, and we probably would if necessary. But sometimes, it just seems that it's all 'give' and no 'take', doesn't it? I think DH and I are a bit too proud to ask, actually, and would do without rather than ask for help. It would be so nice if someone just came and said 'Here we are - we noticed that you might need a wee hand with that, what can we do?' hmm

crimson Thu 29-Sep-11 19:09:43

I suppose if they came round saying 'mum, we can see you're not coping well any more and we've come to help you' I'd feel even more miserable confused thinking 'I'm in my dotage and they've noticed'!

Baggy Thu 29-Sep-11 19:46:57

Oh pish! Even copers need help sometimes. All the best, crimson. smile

greenmossgiel Thu 29-Sep-11 19:51:27

Baggy - laughed to myself when I saw you'd written 'pish'! Not everyone will recognise how useful this word is, unless they come from north of the border! crimson - Baggy's right, though! I think I'll take note of what she says (so eloquently, too)! grin

nanachrissy Thu 29-Sep-11 19:53:57

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a message board on here, where we could post our location and say "can anyone help with such and such please?" and we could turn up and help each other? smile

crimson Thu 29-Sep-11 20:03:29

Think you're on to something there. As for words [I love 'pish' by the way] I used to read a lot of Evelyn Waugh and loved saying how 'sick making' things were. In my pretentious youth, that is.

greenmossgiel Thu 29-Sep-11 20:07:58

nanachrissy - I can just picture it! There would be grans from all over the country dashing to the rescue - and what a lovely idea!

Oldgreymare Thu 29-Sep-11 20:12:18

Wasn't there a childrens' programme where the main character was Supergran/Supernan, a doughty little Scots (?) lady? Would we be like her?

greenmossgiel Thu 29-Sep-11 20:18:49

Oldgreymare - that's right, there was! She had a big tartan hat on - Supergran! (Everyone knows that grandmas make things alright again)! smile