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end of life relationship

(39 Posts)
jesse Sun 16-Oct-11 19:51:42

can any body help me with wise words. My partner of 37 years has taken up with a younger woman and wants to live with me as he has rows when he lives with her. He currently has all his stuff at our house but goes off and stays overnight with her 3/4 nights a week. please help What should I do ?

glammanana Sun 16-Oct-11 20:02:49

jessie Just how little respect he has of you what a ----,if it where me there would be no way he would get into the house in the first place,show him the door and regain your respect and dignity.Put all his stuff on the front door step and phone him and tell him he has x amount of time to collect or off to the tip with it,it make's no difference how many years you have been together no one deserve's to be treated as badly as you are at present. thanks

yogagran Sun 16-Oct-11 20:15:55

He really can't expect to have it both ways. He needs to decide where and with whom he wants to be. Or you will have to decide for him, it must be heartbreaking for you but you must have your self respect. Wishing you lots of support from here and I'm sure that you'll get lots of kind and sensible words

glassortwo Sun 16-Oct-11 20:27:11

jesse He wants his cake and eat it!

It must be breaking your heart to have him treat you like this, but you need to put yourself first!!

I would pack up his things and tell where the door is,but you need to do what is right for you, he is showing you no respect. thanks thanks

Annobel Sun 16-Oct-11 20:31:16

When my ex-H proposed a similar arrangement, I said 'No'. I'd had enough. Got the divorce and came thorough some difficult times with my self-respect enhanced and with the love and support of my two DSs. This man has done nothing to earn your respect or support. Ditch him now. Look after yourself.

glammanana Sun 16-Oct-11 20:32:34

Jesse have you any family you can confide in or are you keeping the problem to yourself ? My DCs would never allow anyone either husband or partner to treat me in that way,are you worried about being on your own because trust me thing's will look brighter once you have made a decision one way or another. hugs and love wine

crimson Sun 16-Oct-11 21:12:23

I tried to cope with a similar situation for a couple of years and it all but drove me mad. I thought I was protecting my family. You need help and support; you'll get plenty here but you need it from your family also. And don't hesitate to see you Dr; they do take this sort of thing seriously.

Pennysue Sun 16-Oct-11 21:51:41

I am so sorry for you, it must be very hard and I hope you have someone close to talk to.

Personally, I would put all his stuff in cardboard boxes (not very carefully) let him know they are outside ready for collection within the next 24 hours and then pray for rain.

Sounds like he wants the "little woman" at home to wash and clean for him and the bit of fluff on the side to kid himself he is young! Sorry if this upsets you but you are stronger than you might at the moment believe and you are worth more than this sort of treatment.

You will come through this and I bet you will be the winner in the long run and he will be just a sad lonely old git.

PS you must do what is right for you

HildaW Mon 17-Oct-11 00:58:45

Dear Jesse, So sorry you are having this horrid situation to deal with. There is no easy option here, he has to choose.
He is ruining all that you have ment to each other for what must be a pretty shallow relationship. To be quite honest he is living in la la land and although you might not want anyone else to know whats happening it might not be a bad thing to 'accidently' let someone else know. Fantasies dont tend to live long in the daylight!

If face to face conversations are difficult or he is not listening to you, write a letter stating that you are giving him a choice and make a firm deadline. Hand it too him as cooly as you can. Getting a bit of legal advise never hurts either. Do try to be strong and see him for what he is - someone driven by some very base instincts. You may well continue to love him but you must stick up for yourself. I do wish you all the best and hope that all goes well for you.

harrigran Mon 17-Oct-11 01:15:06

Can only endorse what others have said, no person deserves to be treated like a doormat. Belongings outside the door and no re-entry to house.
I think you will find that you are strong, but you may need a shoulder to lean on at times thanks

bookdreamer Mon 17-Oct-11 08:19:17

This must be difficult. I don't think this has come out the blue and I wonder how long you have been putting up with this sort of thing. I am 59 and just out of a 25 year marriage (decree absolute tomorrow). Terrible time but having no longer to put up with the sort of behaviour you are putting up with is really a burden lifted!

I can only reiterate what harrigran said.

Carol Mon 17-Oct-11 08:57:07

Can I mention how you might feel when you have moved on from this appalling treatment? It is so liberating to get an abuser out of your life and regain complete control. Fear of the unknown holds us back so often, and I would urge you to look forward to what you will be able to do without this albatross around your neck. There's nothing so enjoyable as being a single, independent woman who can come and go as she wants, regain her self esteem and realise that she never needed that kind of a relationship. Good luck x

susiecb Mon 17-Oct-11 08:57:52

Jesse I am really sorry as it sounds to me as though you still love this man otherwise you would have shown him the door. Have you got some professional support that can help you think this through. i cant think that you really want all this pain and are looking for a way for it to end. I hope it works out the way you want it - some loves are hard to give up on no matter what they do. Best wishes

Annobel Mon 17-Oct-11 11:51:48

Jesse, it occurs to me that you may be tied financially in some way to this man. Is the house in joint names? Are you worried about being put out of your home? I know that this is an enormous consideration especially as we get older. I know nothing of your financial situation and won't ask, but if this is the case, you need to consult someone with expertise (CAB or solicitor or both) sooner rather than later. The Law Society has a Find a Solicitor web site if you need you find a specialist.

Annobel Mon 17-Oct-11 11:53:09

CAB website: could point you in the right direction.

HildaW Mon 17-Oct-11 13:23:05

Carol.....totally agree about the wonderful feeling you get once you have made up your mind and got the so and so out of your life. Yes fear of the unknown can almost cripple you but getting back the control of your life is fabulous. I got shat on from a great height many years ago (all done and dusted now) will never forget his hang-dog face when he called around months later having realized what a huge mistake he had made. Me and the baby were having a ball, life was good, I was stony broke but free and happy ( and being chased by a lovely man). The soon to be ex really saw what he had lost and, although it was not planned by me....the revenge was sweet!
Jesse, we are all willing you to succeed!

crimson Mon 17-Oct-11 13:58:51

You've got to be very careful where you stand from a legal aspect. No 'unreasonable behaviour' which can be used against you. A time to be very careful and somewhat devious. I assume it's a 'male menopause' situation, so he's probably not being rational at all and oblivious to the pain he's causing I'm afraid.

Carol Mon 17-Oct-11 14:37:28

HildaW grin

nanachrissy Mon 17-Oct-11 14:44:47

I agree absolutely with everyone on this, you do not need to put up with this sort of treatment, and you will feel so much better when you have taken action. Get some legal advice and be strong. If you act like a doormat, that's how you'll get treated! It is very scary and upsetting, but you will find hidden strength, and we G/netters are right behind you,with lots of support. Love & hugs thanks

Ariadne Mon 17-Oct-11 17:30:31

So hard for you, Jesse. All I can do is send you a hug. X

nanny1 Mon 17-Oct-11 17:53:51

My heart goes out to you Jesse x

riclorian Mon 17-Oct-11 19:05:55

Jesse---- I am so sorry for all the trouble this selfish idiot is causing you . I heartily agree with all of the other 'posters' you do need to get rid as soon as possible , but you must do so very carefully . You don't say what your living arrangements are , if you are the sole owner then no problem give him a firm kick up the proverbial , but if you have a 'joint tenancy' or 'tenants in common ' then you will need professional advice , as one of these ( I can't remember which ) can be very difficult to sort out . Most solicitors will give you 30mins free advice and it might be worthwhile taking advantage of this .Go into battle girl , you are worth much more than this . Good Luck ---- my thoughts are with you x.

feldmarschallin Mon 17-Oct-11 20:05:06

Oh, Jesse, we've all been there, hanging on in and hoping that it'll be OK, and the older we get the harder it is to break free. You've been together all these years - is this new, unexpected behaviour? If so, maybe, just maybe, there's reason to talk about it, for you to say OK, you've had your fun but this is how it's going to be from now on. But if, as we all seem to suspect, you've spent many of the years you've been together waiting for, expecting and dreading this day, I think you know the course of action you must take and just need "permission" to take it. So take it. Protect yourself as far as you can, materially as well as emotionally. Don't be afraid to lean on other people, family, friends and other Gransnetters; we'll all do our bit.

Nanban Mon 17-Oct-11 20:09:07

Oh my lovely lady - oh so easy to say, tell him to sod off and chuck all his stuff out but so hard to do. I see no easy solution you'll hurt if you do and hurt if you don't. Take the highground and with as much dignity as you can muster tell him he must go rows or not, that's completely his problem. With luck you will begin to enjoy your own space and he may just become superfluous to requirements - you might mention that to him of course. Alternatively, he will miss you terribly and beg to be taken back - by which time I hope you have begun to enjoy your own space etc etc.

If you don't take the high ground, he will just continue to humiliate you, the hurt will just go on and on, and he will feel noble for not leaving altogether. Hobsons choice sadly but to tell him to go, politely requesting your keys back etc will at least save your self respect.

Jacey Tue 18-Oct-11 17:48:04

I do agree with so many of these comments ...but wondering why you've not been back to answer some of the queries? (especially as this was first posted nearly 24hrs ago) ...then the advice could be more focussed!