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A Rift starting in my Family

(22 Posts)
dorsetpennt Mon 28-Nov-11 16:38:49

My son and his wife celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary by having a vow renewal and a party afterwards. My 32 year old daughter had had quite a bit to drink. At the end of the party, in front of me, my son's best friend also best man and of course my son she made a really nasty remark. The friend managed to defuse the situation with a joke but my son was furious, as it was a party he kept his mouth shut. A few days later I asked her about it and told her that it would be a good idea for her to apologise - my son is a forgiving soul. However 2 months later she hasn't talked to him at all. They had their 2nd child last week and she hasn't even called them let alone send a card. I know she realises she should apologise but leaving it later and later is causing a rift. She is behaving really badly, she will always avoid the issue then face up to it - what on earth should I do to fix things.

harrigran Mon 28-Nov-11 16:44:33

I am not sure you can, when our children are adults they should be able to conduct themselves as such and not be prompted to do the correct thing. When my son and daughter had a row I just kept talking to them as though they were conversing and best of friends, it eventually worked itself out.

Carol Mon 28-Nov-11 16:47:09

Perhaps she is waiting for you to fix it, which as a grown adult is not really appropriate. Do you need to let her know that she is capable of repairing the damage she has done herself? You could tell her that the rift is hurting you, but you will deal with your own feelings, whilst she must attend to her's. Then it's up to her, I guess.

syberia Mon 28-Nov-11 16:47:35

Oh dear, I do feel for you and I know what it is like. The thing is, I don't think that it is up to you to fix things. I know you want everything to be back the way it was, but it is your daughter that instigated the problem. Even if you try to smooth things over by talking to them individually, I feel that your son needs to hear it from her, it will make no difference what you say. All you can do is not take sides and be yourself with both of them, in time they will more than likely sort it out. Try not to worry, I know that is easier said than done, but you are probably thinking about it more than either of them are!!


Carol Mon 28-Nov-11 16:51:43

harrigran has a point. If people don't take sides and don't blow it up out of proportion they might find a way to save face and resume their relationship.

supernana Mon 28-Nov-11 17:01:49

dorsetpennt How sad. A very awkward situation for you to be in. harrigran makes sense. It's okay to "take sides" and prompt a "guilty party" to do the apologising between children - however, once they are grown-up they should make up their own minds to do the right thing. It takes guts to stand back, see the error of your ways and admit to being a chump. Keep calm. I'm sure that you're patience will be rewarded. Too much drink! What a curse it can be...

jingl Mon 28-Nov-11 17:05:09

Could your son make the first move? Perhaps sending a photo of the baby? Perhaps in a Christmas card.

silverfoxygran Mon 28-Nov-11 17:17:24

How painful for you. If my children fall out (and it happens in all families) I always feel it far more than the situation warrants.

Spiteful remarks are often made by people who are feeling envious or sidelined.
I doubt she wants to lose her brother or contact with his family. You don't mention whether she has a partner or children - does he have something she wants for herself?

Perhaps you could mention that it was out of character and wondered why she felt the need to speak out. Her leaving the apology will only result in resentment on both sides making geting back on track even harder.

In my experience dishing out hurt to others is often the result of feeling hurt oneself. The silly thing about these situations is that as soon as they speak it will soon be forgotten. Who'd be a mum? Grandchildren are so much easier smile

Butternut Mon 28-Nov-11 17:21:08

Just what I was thinking, jingl.

Carol Tue 29-Nov-11 15:42:29

Funny this subject should come up - two of my adult??? children have fallen out today, and both decided to phone me and vent their anger with each other. Seeing this was turning into a situation where I would be getting the brunt of it, I picked up my bag, got in the car and spent two hours shopping in Lakeland, making myself unavailable to all (I left the teabag squeezers where there were, Jingl). Leaving them to it! A few missed phone calls on my return, which I will ignore. They will be friends again by teatime. Now for another slice of that broonie and a cup of tea!

Butternut Tue 29-Nov-11 16:17:17

Atta girl, Carol

glammanana Tue 29-Nov-11 16:31:34

I can remember falling out with my sister many times and the first thing both of us did was to phone mum and try and get our version in first,she also got wise to us and refused to answer the phone and we had to do the making up ourselves,or she would invite us both to her house and order us to "speak to your sister".

Carol Tue 29-Nov-11 16:42:56

These two of my children don't accept that their personalities are so alike and both go up like rockets when one feels slighted by the other. I shall keep out of their way until they realise they have to deal with it themselves. My son decided to 'defend' his sister without her permission or knowledge (until he decided to tell her husband!! - why are men so daft?), and she hit the roof, saying she can jolly well stand up for herself. Problem is, she let off steam at me, not him. I'm keeping well away. Their mess, they can sort it!

nanachrissy Tue 29-Nov-11 19:51:04

Good for you Carol, I think that is very wise of you. They don't seem to realise how upsetting it can be sometimes. hmm

FlicketyB Wed 30-Nov-11 15:06:27

Sometimes when some one has acted like this and thoroughly painted themselves into a corner, pride stops them admitting they were thoroughly in the wrong and apologising. One way out of the situation is to find an action that can be undertaken that is implicitly an apology without actually saying so.
Possibly in this case a really beautiful and special present for the baby for Christmas so her brother has to make contact some way or another to say thank you and things can just pick up from there. Sometimes flowers sent Interflora or similar and a card just saying 'love you' will do.

Carol Wed 30-Nov-11 15:17:53

Great idea FlicketyB.

My two uppity children are now friends again - they had to talk to each other last night, when one wanted information that I had, but I was 'unavailable' to impart it. Must keep a low profile more often!

dorsetpennt Mon 05-Dec-11 16:30:52

Thank you all of you with your sound advice. I have left things to sort themselves out now - as most of you have suggested. I saw DD over the weekend and she admitted, without my prompting that she had been really silly so perhaps that's a start. We all all spending Boxing Day together so hopefully it will be resolved by then - as one of you have said 'aren't GC eaier?'

Charlotta Tue 06-Dec-11 21:47:16

Didn't it strike anyone as suspiscious that they had to have vow renewal after only 10 years? A really well adjusted couple woud have been too busy living their relationship than to spend time having a vow renewal. It was all too much for her in the end and I hope she has got over it now.

jingl Tue 06-Dec-11 21:52:47

Charlotta, do you need to read the original post again? confused

dorsetpennt Mon 12-Dec-11 16:55:55

Carlotta Having a vow renewal isn't suspicious at all, if you knew this couple you would know that they are so happy and as a celebration of 10 years of marriage - in todays climate of multi-divorcing - they just wanted to share their happiness. Sorry but I take your comments as really nasty.

Charlotta Mon 12-Dec-11 19:47:49

Jingl Its true I didn't read it properly. it was not the wife - of ten years- but the sister in law. Sorry about that but it doesn't stop me feeling that vow renewals are a strange thing. Perhaps it was this, that upset the sister -in law. perhaps she herself is unhappy and it made her feel worse. I hope it is all water under the bridge by now.

maxgran Tue 13-Dec-11 13:25:26

Adult Children don't realise how much it hurts for us to see them fall out do they ?
I think its Ok for you to tell your daughter that what she said has upset your son and I think its also ok to tell her its sad that she has not acknowledged the birth of her neice/nephew, but then its best to leave them both to sort it out between themselves.

My son & daughter are always bickering and falling out but I always found that when I stayed well out of it they managed to sort it out eventually.