Gransnet forums


Not met granddaughter yet

(59 Posts)
jojo Fri 09-Dec-11 06:22:19

Our first grandchild was born 2 days ago & we thought we would meet her yesterday, but son & DIL have indicated they want a week to bond on their own & get into a routine. We are so upset as had rushed around yesterday buying cards,presents, flowers & hubby had made one of his special cottage pies to take round for them. I knew they didn't want lots of visitors straight after the birth but didn't dream this meant grandparents too. I had also saved lots of holiday time at work to help DIL but it doesn't seem I will be needed. (DIL's mum lives a long way away & cannot get to visit often, she has been told to visit after Christmas).
I didn't want to interfere but just pop in for an hour or so now & again to make them a meal, put some washing on or be on hand so DIL could have a relaxing bath or a couple of hours sleep. I don't understand as DIL had included me a lot during pregnancy by inviting me to ante natal classes my son couldn't attend & always encouraging me to feel bump when there was movement.
Also upset as we heard about birth by text rather than a call & also discovered they had announced it on FB many hours before bothering to phone the great grandma & great grandpa who were amongst the last to know!
I am yearning to meet the baby but I'm trying not to be upset & to focus on the wonderful years ahead we will have. Any advice from experienced grannies? (Please go easy on me - first post!)

Leticia Thu 15-Dec-11 06:04:25

Glad it has turned out OK. Lots of new parents are very 'precious' -I think that you have to think to the long term and 'go with the flow'.

Ariadne Wed 14-Dec-11 18:53:47

Oh good, JoJo!

gracesmum Wed 14-Dec-11 17:16:35

smile Happy for you jojo I am sure it was more than worth the wait!! It is hard to ask for help when you are an independent new parent, but I know that all I wanted to do when DD had her latest baby, was to help! It took a couple of weeks before she could admit she needed it and I was delighted to be able to give her the chance of a midday nap while I was there to give GS no. 1 lunch and keep an ear out for the baby!
You will have many many happy times to come with your little GD and I am so glad this has not cast a cloud over either your Christmas or your relationship with her parents.

chester21 Wed 14-Dec-11 14:15:00

hi jo jo hope u r well. i am not a grandmother but i am a dil i havent read through all the post but i wanted to put my thoughts down. when my son was born but i was the same as your son and dil and requested for no visitors while i was at hospital (6 days)and when we got home we never told anyone for 24 hours then invited the inlaws round a few days later. my son was about 10 days old when we received our first visitors. i know not everyone is like me but i couldnt bear seeing anyone apart from my birth partner and my oh, i was very sore and very hormonal and emotional i wanted to get things in place and know where everything was. I also didnt have the energy to make small talk and just wanted to stay in bed and get to know my son and get used to having the most amazing little bundle to care for. be patient jojo and you will reap so much rewards from your grand daughter and your son and dil. take care of yourself xxxx

Nsube Tue 13-Dec-11 15:43:36

Jojo, when DiL had our grandson I didn't expect to be asked for a fair bit, but we were asked to come along the hospital the next day, which was lovely. She had her mum there and I do think it's very different with a daughter than with a son. We took heaps of stuff including a bundle of magazines, fresh berries, and lotions and potions for her. It was greatly appreciated as all eyes were on grandson.

supernana Tue 13-Dec-11 14:25:13

jojo...THREE hearty cheers grin thanks wine xxx

JessM Tue 13-Dec-11 14:12:57

When my Nigerian next door neighbour had her second I was interested to observe the tidal wave of older women that converged and started telling her what she should and should not be eating etc etc
We don't have established cultural patterns like this so nobody is quite sure who should be there at the birth, who should be looking after mother and baby following the birth and where fathers fit in. I guess this is because we have had some much change in our society. It does tend to lead to people having different expectations though. And affects the role of grandmothers...

maxgran Tue 13-Dec-11 13:32:24

When I had my first child I was terrified my MiL would barge in and try to take over ( she was like that) so we tried to impose a bit of restiction on visiting, however, we would never have dreamed of not letting her or my own parents come to see the baby in hospital.
Were your son & Daughter in law aware you had taken time off work ? Or what you planned to do for them ? Perhaps they were overwhelmed at your being so keen ?
It all depends on the personalities involved but I know I would have been heartbroken had I not been able to see any of my grandchildren within a day or two !

silverfoxygran Sun 11-Dec-11 17:52:03

You've made my day jojo - so happy for you!

I have a lovely DIL who included me in everything but I felt I had to stand back if her mother was there. I assumed a girl would want her own mum.

Although I have had a very positive experience as MIL I still found my myself feeling more comfortable and accepted when my daughter gave birth. I suppose it is to be expected - I carried her and saw her carrying another baby. The whole thing was overwhelming when my girl became a mother. smile

Libradi Sun 11-Dec-11 17:38:24

I'm so pleased you have met your DGD jo jo having just had the arrival of my own DGD on Friday, I really felt for you. It has certainly made me appreciate how often I get to see her. thanks

Annobel Sun 11-Dec-11 16:58:51

So happy for you, jojo. You will have many cuddles to come. smile

bikergran Sun 11-Dec-11 16:54:59

oh thats brill news jojo grin enjoy!!
yogagran Yes I understand what you are saying,asI have read other threads and it seems that once "son" has found his beloved then things sometimes start to change as he builds his own life with his partner...
good luck every one and keep smiling (makes them wonder what your up to) grin

yogagran Sun 11-Dec-11 13:51:51

jojo I'm really so glad and pleased for you that you have managed a visit, I was watching this thread from the beginning but felt that there was nothing I could add apart from my sympathy and support. Feel really happy for you that you have now been included.
And bikergran you've hit the nail on the head there regarding the difference between DD and DIL. I have one of each and the difference is quite amazing. I feel really included and accepted with my DD but things are definitely different with DIL which surprised me as DS and I were particularly close (note the past tense, as I feel that DIL has pushed DH and myself out, but that's going off at a totally different angle, sorry!)

rosienanna Sun 11-Dec-11 12:43:39

I'm thrilled for you Jojo x i felt so sad at your message ...all anyone wants is to just take a peek..5 minutes would do and quietly tip toe out again...thanks

Carol Sun 11-Dec-11 12:41:47

I should jolly well think so, too - I'm very pleased for you x

Gally Sun 11-Dec-11 12:20:34

jojo Hurrah, great news - everything comes to she who waits grin

shysal Sun 11-Dec-11 12:18:28

I am delighted for you jojo .thanks

jojo Sun 11-Dec-11 12:13:11

Thank you all so much for your messages. I have found them incredibly supportive and helpful in putting things in perspective.
I am delighted to say we have now met GD, who is gorgeous of course. I had not thought about the paternity leave aspect. My husband was unable to take any time off work when our sons were born but now my son is able to take 2 weeks leave to help.
We have taken a couple of meals round, which they were very grateful for, and I was also asked to go shopping for some smaller babygros as the ones they had were all too big for a newborn.
We are now going to leave them in peace and wait for the next call! I especially want to be sensitive about this as DIL's own mother will not meet GD for another 2 weeks (she will be staying with us so imagine what we will be talking about!!)

bikergran Sat 10-Dec-11 21:31:56

Having read this thread and many I right in asuming (and only asuming) that with DIL there is a big difference in how things work..
it seems that a lot of the time (not all) that when things happen in a family the DIL has the say and the Son has to go along with it...I myself have 2 daughters one 29 one 36 so I havn't had the experience of "Sons and daughter in laws"... I will no doubt learn at some time I now have a GS , when he was born I saw him 2 hours later!

pinkprincess Sat 10-Dec-11 21:28:05

I agree with everyone on here about the paternity leave issue.I gave birth to both my two by ceasarian.With the first I came out of hospital on a Sunday, my DH was back at work the next day.I was longing for help, my mother was at work, MIL would come''to cuddle the baby'' then would leave after an hour.
Second time DH was in merchant navy and did not come back till two months after the birth.Almost the same scenario afterwards regarding help, but MIL would come and take first child out so I could concentrate on new baby.
When I became a grandmother I was made to wait before visiting.It is very frustrating I know but that is what modern parents are like.
You will have years ahead with your grandaughter, and as other posters have said it wont be long before you will get asked to help, when the sleepless nights and constant feeding fling this modern bonding out of the window.

harrigran Sat 10-Dec-11 09:23:06

syberia a Granny will always be needed whether there are two mummies or two daddies. You say you have been included up to this point so I doubt there is any reason to think you will be excluded after the birth smile

Carol Sat 10-Dec-11 08:35:05

syberis my good friend's daughter is one of two mummies and they have included her in everything with their new baby. There's a first time for everyone and your own mum is so important when you're having a baby. You will be needed, believe me! thanks

syberia Sat 10-Dec-11 07:31:48

I can't add anything to what's already been said, but it has made me wonder about when my new (first) GC is born.
You see, she will have two mummies, so I think it less likely that she will need me around!!
I have already said that I would like to be around when she arrives, not in the labour ward you understand, just nearby, but was shot down in flames.
It has been a long journey for them to get to this stage, and I have been included all the way, all the smiles and all the tears.
I try very hard to be a "laidback" mum and Mil and never, ever interfere, always standing back.
And I know they will want bonding time afterwards. We live 120 miles apart, so visits are always of the arranged variety, can't just pop round!!

It's just that this is sooooo exciting!!

Stansgran Fri 09-Dec-11 19:04:50

Can't agree more with everything that has been said but I wish these new parents would realise that we are the people who will guard these children with their lives-we are not only the best club but the best army in the world

Bellesnan Fri 09-Dec-11 17:45:39

Hi Jojo - congrats on the new addition to your family circle. Remember when granddaughter No. 1 was born to my son and d-i-l, were invited to drive to the hospital (3 hours away) to see said newbie as it seemed to be expected. Baby No. 2, three years later, had to wait a week to see us. Son and d-i-l no longer have any contact with us so don't seem them anyway. Got to see my daughter's baby same day, but was upset by the fact that other g'parents were invited before us as I had been keeping house for s-i-l waiting to be stand in birthing partner as he had a nasty bug; fortunately he got over it in time. I did disappear home asap tho after visiting as I wanted them to start the 'family' thing on their own. Did the same after their second baby as I was looking after eldest one while she was in hospital. I think the worst thing must be picture of one's new grandchild being put on Facebook after birth - expect some have had that experience.

If only our kids would realise how important they are to us and their kids as well. Maybe some day in the future they will be in the same situation and will look back and realise how much it hurt and will thinking the same as you. I'm sure once you see new little person all will be forgiven. I have said to my daughter that I enjoy my grandchildren probably more than I did my own - they were just hard work and were with you 24/7!! SO ENJOY!!!!