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to be screaming silently

(66 Posts)
em Thu 15-Dec-11 10:21:05

because DD1 allowed DD2 to take 14 yr-old GD to have a belly button piercing done. I am disgusted with all of them and utterly furious!! If I say what I want to I'll no doubt cause a huge row, so am coming here to be calmed down please!

Elegran Thu 15-Dec-11 10:33:09

Good strategy, em get rid of the steam on here, simmer down and formulate a suitable speech setting out the reasons why this was definitely not a good idea (possible infections, branding as a tart, etc, etc) and deliver that in a calm but frosty voice.

Annobel Thu 15-Dec-11 10:33:57

I echo your silent scream,*em*. My GD1 was taken by her mad mother to have belly button piercing done at about that age. Irresponsible! Now GD is responsible for herself and has at least one tattoo to my knowledge, but then she is twenty in a couple of weeks. At least it isn't visible - but then what's the point of having it? confused

jingl Thu 15-Dec-11 10:40:07

So long as it's looked after so it heals up well, it'll be alright em. Try and go with the flow. [pat on arm]

It ^doesn't brand her as anything. (Just a modern young person)

It'll be fine.

nanachrissy Thu 15-Dec-11 10:41:44

I can understand your feelings, but this is not your problem. You brought up your dds but now it's their decisions about their own children. If they ask your opinion,well fair enough tell them, but otherwise I would keep out of it.

Carol Thu 15-Dec-11 10:46:00

You have my complete sympathy, em
I have twin daughters who both wanted theirs done when they were 17. I said my view was that they should not have this done and I would be very concerned, for all the reasons you give. When they were 18, they both went to have them done - never on view, as they didn't wear clothes that exposed their abdomens. They got through university, got jobs, settled down, and the age of 27, first daughter is having her twin babies and realised that this piercing is giving her trouble - had it removed in A and E. Second daughter stops wearing hers as a result.

They also had tiny tattoos, concealed on shoulder and abdomen respectively. First daughter to have piercing removed is now having injections every 6 - 8 weeks to obliterate the tiny tattoo without leaving a mark or pigmentation. Why not laser? Quote -'it's very expensive - at least these injections, though they take longer to complete, cost a couple of HUNDRED pounds less, mum.' On seeing the glint in my eye, she said 'don't even say it.'......told her so....

Annobel Thu 15-Dec-11 10:46:02

That's why it has to be a 'silent scream'. What's done is done! The old cliché about spilt milk comes to mind.

em Thu 15-Dec-11 10:46:14

One of the reasons I find it hard to take is that DD1 herself had this stupid thing done and regretted it! She was 18 and independent by then so I had no say in it. But GD is 14 and needed permission. Why not just say 'No not yet'? Plus GD has health issues and I am more than normally concerned about infection. Already feeling a little calmer thanks but not looking forward to confronting them.

Annobel Thu 15-Dec-11 10:48:49

em - if you're not looking forward to confronting them - don't. Simple as that. Just say nothing. I am sure your DD knows that you disapprove, so what's the point of saying so?

em Thu 15-Dec-11 10:56:13

You're right Annobel. Unfortunately she caught me on the hop and I simply said very calmly that I felt it best not to visit today as I am very unhappy about it and would prefer not to inflame things. I'd find it hard to avoid the subject until I've had time to adjust to it/ calm down so would stay away meantime. She put the phone down on me! (Not the first time and won't be the last).

nanachrissy Thu 15-Dec-11 10:57:34

I agree with Annobel. You will only get more wound up and may end up having family row at Christmas.

nanachrissy Thu 15-Dec-11 10:59:02

em thanks

em Thu 15-Dec-11 11:05:25

Thank you ladies. I do feel a bit less stressed now that I've off-loaded some of that. Like Carol's girls DD1 had to have it removed during pregnancy and I really thought she'd seen sense. The underlying worry is that my lovely but determined GD is pushing the boundaries now and is finding that they just give way if you keep pushing. I keep asking myself - what next? She is only 14!! Surely she could hope with hearing 'NO' occasionally.

gracesmum Thu 15-Dec-11 11:05:50

When middle D was at Art College I was horrified when she got a (little) nose ring - I had always thought them cheap/common/goth whatever. Actually it was very discreet and I also realised that she was still the same lovely girl - not cheap/common or anything! She was careful to remove it when visiting the GPs as she guessed they wouldn't be thrilled, but actually - so what? Youngest also had her belly button done when in her late teens - at least I didn't have to look at it, but she has also grown out of these fads and I am glad I didn't over-react at the time - although I warned her that her father would go ballistic if he knew!
The gut reaction to pierccing is understandable, but she is still your lovely GD, so try to take a deep breath and go with the flow.

Carol Thu 15-Dec-11 11:10:39

You've made your view clear em and in due course they will hopefully understand why you expressed concern. Piercings can be become boring and just heal up if left without a ring in them, although it may be a few years before that happens. Unfortunately, there's a lot of peer pressure on girls to conform to this sort of fashion. Could you inject some humour into it and keep to your view e.g. 'don't blame me if it festers and things start dropping off!'

em Thu 15-Dec-11 11:14:31

So good to get a different slant on this. I do worry though about the boundaries and feel that DD shouldn't be treating her as 18 when she is only 14. We had so many problems when DD was 16-18 and did come through them, but I'd hoped we might escape that this time round!

absentgrana Thu 15-Dec-11 11:21:55

em Some piercings are even more worrying. It could be worse.

Mishap Thu 15-Dec-11 11:44:12

I think a bit of humour is called for here - what's done is done and there is no point in seeking confrontation. Sometimes they do these things to invoke a reaction, so least said and all that...

Fashions change, and what is comparitively normal and middle-of-the-road to a 14 year old now seems worrying and way-out to us. I know some lovely girls (nurses, professionals etc.) who have them and they do not suddenly turn into ogres/tarts or whatever. I also know some grandmas with them!!!

It could be worse - we used to receive the BMJ every week and they have a Christmas edition which often contains humorous items - one year it was photos of piercings - believe you me, a navel piercing is the least of your worries - you simply would not believe the places that bits of metal appear!!!!

I think that behind all this is your concern that your GD is allowed too much of her own way and that you fear she may go off the rails - this may be so, but I would not regard a navel piercing as a sign of bad things to come. Her Mum is probably trying to understand the culture in which this young lady has to operate and to be sympathetic to her need to be one of the crowd.

Best to be light-hearted about it I think. I really do not think there is anything to worry about here. Give her a hug and have some fun with her - much more important than one small piece of metal that won't be seen.

harrigran Thu 15-Dec-11 12:12:26

Why in heaven's name would anybody want to mutilate their body when they are so young ? I have said this several times before, if we personally injured a child we would be on an assault charge. Give permission for someone else to do it and it is fine, cock-eyed. Nothing you can do em back to biting the tongue, after all what do we oldies know smile

Carol Thu 15-Dec-11 12:20:55

harrigran I have often wondered how children can be burnt on sunbeds, and injured by piercings, without some protective legislation being formulated to ensure their adult parents behave responsibly. Seems that they can even get piercing infections that need medical treatment, but no-one in authority bats an eyelid.

Mishap Thu 15-Dec-11 12:30:46

Yes - I am with you on this. I went to a jewellers once and heard screaming from a back room - a baby girl of about 1 was wheeled out screaming, having just had her ears pierced. I left the shop.

But at 14, a piercing is almost de rigueur now - and it is legal, so all her mates will have one.

Just to be really controversial - I think it is outrageous that it is legal to mutilate baby boys in the name of religion. It beggars belief that this is still within the law. It is not without its medical complications, and it is an act of mutilation undertaken without the child's consent when he is too little to know what is going on. He then has to live with the consequences for he rest of his life. I usually get accused of all sorts of "isms" when I say this - but it makes me ill to think how this could be done to babies and they have no protection.

em Thu 15-Dec-11 12:32:14

Harrigran I think that's what's upsetting me. Why do this to a very young under-age body, especially when the child has health issues? And why did both of my DDs act so irresponsibly? Only thing I can think of is that they want to be seen as the 'cool' adults while I am out in the fuddy-duddy wilderness, concerned about issues of health and inappropriate 'presents'!!

em Thu 15-Dec-11 12:35:44

Mishap have to agree with your comment. It's utterly abhorrent to make young girls submit to genital mutilation and I don't see that it's significantly different to mutilate boys - it's just a question of degree and all in the name of religion!

harrigran Thu 15-Dec-11 12:37:02

A big hug em I am with you all the way. As a nurse I saw some horrible things but piercings still turn my stomach.

Carol Thu 15-Dec-11 12:37:04

Yes Mishap I agree with you - female circumcision for cultural reasons is villified but not male circumcision, when it is also done for cultural reasons. I don't get it.