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Should i write a letter to his mother and father? If so???

(17 Posts)
Rachypoos Tue 27-Dec-11 23:50:45

I have a daughter that is 2 years old, and its a long story but i had a 1 night stand 3 years ago and brought my beautiful daughter into my world. I contact her father who didnt want to know but he was more concerned about the child maintanance as i contacted the csa. so we agreed at the time that he was to see her once a month and pay me money without going through the csa. He lives in London and i live in Wales. Anyhow he wanted a dna test which i openly said he could have, to which proved to him that he was her father. Anyhow he came to blows and didnt want to take any responsibililty, so as of last year he's just been paying me £150 into my bank account for her. Its been on my mind lately about whether i should contact his parents, to tell them that they have a granddaughter as i feel i would rather do this for my daughter now and not being in 20 years time and feel that they have a right to know, and why should she lose out. Yes i know i could be opening a whole can of worms but im in abit of a delema and could do with some advice and suggestions on how to word a letter, if i was to contact them. If her father has decided to have nothing to do with her then thats his choice, but why should my daughter go without possible doted grand-parents. Thanks for reading smile and hopefully i can come to a decision.

Greatnan Wed 28-Dec-11 01:23:04

You have all my sympathy - we hear so much about single mothers and single fathers are barely mentioned, but they are just as much responsible as the mother for bringing a child into the world and should accept that responsibility.
I think you should contact his parents, saying you thought they would like to know that they have a lovely grandchild, enclose a photo, and tell them briefly how you met their son and what arrangements you have made with him. Tough if he doesn't want them to know - or perhaps he has told them and they have been reluctant to contact you.
If they do not respond, you have lost nothing, but you may gain friends, allies and grandparents for the child.

harrigran Wed 28-Dec-11 09:58:22

hmm could be opening a can of worms. Proceed with caution, he could be a married man with a family hence the fear of CSA. If there is already an established family the parents may not know about the one night stand.

em Wed 28-Dec-11 10:05:50

What a dilemma! If I found out that my son had fathered a secret child I would want to know and would do my damnedest to get him to be responsible. BUT if there were an established family I'd hate the trauma that might be inflicted on grandchildren I already knew and loved. Can you find out if he is in a serious relationship/ has children? By this I don't mean your child is any less important, but circumstances would dictate your next steps.

Carol Wed 28-Dec-11 10:11:10

If I was the grandparent, I would want to know, no matter how upsetting it could be if there was already a family elsewhere. This child has a right to know that she has grandparents. As harrigran says, proceed with caution. Perhaps let him know you have contacted his parents for the reasons you have given - it will give him chance to inform anyone he needs to, and explain himself.

If it was my son who had fathered a child and not let me know, I would be extremely upset and disappointed in him, and would want to see him demonstrate that he is taking responsibility for the child, including ensuring the child is welcomed into the family.

greenmossgiel Wed 28-Dec-11 10:57:10

I agree with Greatnan and Carol in this, Rachypoos. Of course, it's possible that the man's parents do already know, but have no way of contacting you.
I would want to know if my son had fathered a child, and it's the child's right to know its grandparents and have them in its life should that be possible and appropriate. My granddaughter has a little boy, and although she and her partner split up after about a year, his parents see the baby very regularly and buy him clothes now and again. This is just as well, because the child's father pays £25 per week for him (apparently this is all he has to pay). Quite easy really, I suppose - father a baby, leave the mother and child and only have to pay £25 towards his keep! He already has a child by another girl, and pays the same for him too. angry! Take care in how you approach the situation, though. Try not to shock or make them angry, because that may be their immediate reaction if they don't already know - or even if they do! I don't think you have anything to lose - good luck. thanks

em Wed 28-Dec-11 11:01:45

I agree with everything that's been said, but just think you should do the groundwork first to minimise potential hurt. If you are considering writing to the parents, does that mean you already have an address?

dorsetpennt Wed 28-Dec-11 11:05:20

I don't mean to sound unfriendly - this is just a query. I thought this forum was for grandparents yet I see lots of input from parents. Fair enough if you are asking a question concerning grandparents but surely this thread could go onto Mumsnet. My DIL wouldn't dream of posting a message here. Sorry if I sound nasty I don't mean to but I am just puzzled by it.

greenmossgiel Wed 28-Dec-11 11:26:34

I don't see a problem with anyone asking a bit of advice in order to get a grandparent's perspective on a problem, though, dorsetpennt. In other words, would we as grandparents want to know and how may we react if we were in that same position? hmm

Elegran Wed 28-Dec-11 11:30:35

As grandparents I think most of us would wish to know about a little carrier of our genes. At the same time, we might be a bit protective of our son.

grannyactivist Wed 28-Dec-11 12:26:21

I discussed this question with my family last night and the consensus was that the grandparents have a right to know and that you have a duty to your daughter to at least attempt to establish a relationship with her grandparents. My son thought it might be wise to write to the father first and inform him that you will be contacting the grandparents to tell them of the existence of their grandchild. This will give him the opportunity to talk to his parents if he chooses so that it won't come completely out of the blue.
If my son had fathered a child I would definitely want to know sooner rather than later. In my experience as a social worker it's girls who generally want to 'know' about family relationships and if in the future your daughter decides to trace her paternal family it's better that the grandparents are already aware of her existence. Best case scenario is that she develops a relationship with the GPs and at worst nothing has been lost for her.

ninnynanny Wed 28-Dec-11 12:42:54

I often pop over to Mumsnet and have a look, posted once as well. I like new Mums posting on here asking questions looking for help. I think you should contact his parents you have nothing to lose by doing so. Write a nice letter and send a photo and leave it to them to reply.

yogagran Wed 28-Dec-11 13:33:19

I have no problem about Mums posting on this forum. Rather touching really that some of the young mums think that we have still have something to offer grin

JessM Wed 28-Dec-11 14:27:28

I think do a bit of research first. In these days of the internet there is quite a lot of info out there. I would not want these folk to become a problem to you, demanding things of you.
I know it is difficult being on your own and not having someone else to share parental ups and downs with. So is it this perhaps that is tugging at you to initiate this relationship.

Rachypoos Wed 28-Dec-11 17:44:39

Thank you all so much for your comments, and as i do not have any contact with my daughters father, not even a phone number as he has decided to delete it!!! I cannot contact him to discuss my actions. This isnt about whether he has his own family/relationships etc, that is irrelevant as he doesnt want to know the exisistance of his daughter. I wrote on this forum as i wanted the opinions of granparents and thought it would be a good start in getting abit of guidance on whether this was the disision to do. i know what i want to do in my heart for my daughters sake and nobody elses. But just wanted your thoughts on this matter. I know his parents name hence and what area they are from as i have looked in up on the electrol list for that area. I can pay through a website for their address as i know his mothers and father full name as i had to get my daughters fathers birth certificate. I thank you all very very much for your thoughts and concern, it is very much appreciated. Thank you smile

em Wed 28-Dec-11 17:50:13

Whatever you decide, I hope the outcome is a happy one for all involved. I for one am glad you felt able to set your thoughts down here and I hope we have helped you to think things through.

greenmossgiel Wed 28-Dec-11 17:51:11

Hope it all goes well for you and your little girl. smile