Tip-toe-ing around new baby

There are times when you have to step in. Common sense sometimes eludes new parents. I remember 13 years ago when my younger friend had her first popping round on a cool august evening when the baby was about a week old. She was the longest, skinniest newborn I had ever met (i think she's going to be 6ft) They had taken to heart the "don't overwrap your baby" advice and there she was in just a vest and nappy. Baby's extremities were blue (below knees and elbows). That's the sort of thing i mean by a health and safety risk...

I seem to have it fairly easy. Middle daughter didn't read a book at all and seems to be a natural. Eldest daughter read everything available when she was pregnant with her first so middle daughter asks her if she needs advice. I just smile, admire and cuddle.

We are awaiting the birth of our youngest daughters baby (she's nearly 38 weeks) but where is goose

bagitha ((hugs)) please get well soon

I'm afraid I'm not one to keep advice to myself and in my house we've put babies in the next room but as there is only a partition door between our two rooms it's not overly quiet. Babies can sleep anywhere as long as they feel safe and in my house I might not do the vaccing with a baby asleep but I'd certainly not pussyfoot about and if the other GC are around I tell them not to go in the room but don't stop them playing elsewhere. I'm very lucky with my DD and DS and their partners though - they've been very sensible about this sort of thing from day 1.

Oh, bags, don't overdo things. Get better quickly and take it easy, though I suspect that may not be in your nature.

Hope you feel better soon bagitha. It is nice to be able to get out in the garden at this time of year.

I expect so, carol. I get the impression you have a wider experience than I do and I'm lucky enough in my daughter and son-in-law that I could not wish for better parents for my grandson. Somehow the differences between us in details of parenting just don't seem to matter.

Now, my gardening efforts have brought on an asthma blergh, so I'm going to lie down for a bit.

The last person I would have taken advice from was my MiL, not that she ever ventured to give it. I asked my mum sometimes and my sister-in-law, who had three daughters already. I must have been an opinionated pain in the a.... but I do have two very nice, friendly, generous and caring DSs, so I must have muddled through somehow.

I think we can safely say that the relationship between MIL/DIL is a very complex one and must be handled with extreme caution!
My own MIL was fab and because I loved and respected her I was always happy to take her advise. I always try to think of her when situations arise like this.

I think we may have different experiences bagitha. When babies are clearly thriving and practices are different because we are from another generation, we have to bite our lip and acknowledge that this is how they do it now. Parents don't have to bone up on the latest research to be able to care for their children at a good enough level. But if I see something happening, that if continued could amount to neglect (and I have seen some worrying things over the years), it wouldn't be fair to the child to say nothing. I would rather risk a bit of frostiness from the parent than ignore it.

Having said that, I do have to tread on eggshells sometimes, and will usually take a step back to see if the parents have worked out what to do for the best first. When I was a new mum, I was in awe of my MIL's patience and tried to emulate her, but her sister was a pain in the backside - she was a health visitor who insisted on preaching at me every time she walked through the door. I switched off and ignored even the good advice she was offering, because she was domineering.

I would do it very nicely.

I have only got daughters, so far. Wouldn't hesitate to advise them. Suppose a daughter-in-law might be different. But I would probably put my two ha'pence worth in.

My grandchild.

Seem to have opened a can of worms here! I also think somewhere in the middle is best. We all know our own families and how they will take things. In my case my son listens to advise (which is very carefully given) but I think my DIL maybe would be a little on the defensive side so don't say much there. I did say to my son last night, in a light-hearted way, that they wouldn't get a lot of quiet for baby if he was downstairs (we're open plan) so maybe he'll sugest they do something different next time. Think he's a little worried about upsetting DIL also!

The only thing I would add is about being made to feel "guilty" in your own home - it is hard enough being a grandparent without having blame attributed especially unfairly! They ARE new parents and therefore I might make allowances, but babies who can only sleep in total silence are going to be a problem later! I would ask"Where would you like him to sleep?" and if they really want silence, then an impromptu nursery in a quiet corner or spare room it is. I remember being advised to put my newish baby beside the (then) record player, turned well up in the early days so that she would sleep through anything in the future!

It depends on your relationship with the new mum, whether they are obviously seeking your opinion.
I didn't mean never offer your opinion but it does depend - and I was specifically thinking about new mums who are very sensitive. And sleep in particular is a very personal thing that they have to negotiate between the 3 of them - mum, dad and baby.

Frightening indeed, and definitely not intelligent. But the babies survive nonetheless.

If only everyone managed it with common sense and intelligence. I have seen some intelligent women do barmy things like propping bottles of milk in the pram then going off to leave a new baby to feed itself - frightening.

I didn't read up at all when I was pregnant. In fact I avoided "reading up" like the plague. My view was that, with a bit of commonsense and intelligence, I should be able to get it right enough by instinct. Given the results, it looks as if I did.

Annobel My three DiL make their own rules and do a marvellous job of raising their offspring. I've been tempted to give advice from time to time but choose to keep my opinions to myself. On the rare occasions when my opinion has been sought, I feel comfortable about saying 'In my experience...'

I think we mature grans should be able to cope with feeling a bit awkward in our own homes when there's a new baby in the picture. Just try to remember how it felt to be trying to get it all right first time and other people giving ENDLESS advice. And it has got worse. There are far too many shoulds and shouldn'ts where babies are concerned. Is it any wonder new mums are a bit fragile and snappy sometimes?

I'm somewhere in the middle on this jingl and Annobel. I have seen some really daft things being done by new parents who have never bothered to read up about new babies and children, or are clearly being inconsistent in what they say they do and what they actually do, even tough they are mature adults. Recently, I gave some unasked for advice because I was concerned that continuing the same practice would be detrimental to the child - the atmosphere was very frosty, but a couple of days later I learned that I had been listened to, and things were back on track. You do need a bit of a thick skin sometimes.

One relative would never have learned how to feed her child if she'd waited for advice from her own mother, who neither cared nor had a clue.

jingl I NEVER give advice to DiLs unless I am asked for it. It would be utterly impertinent to do so. They are mature adults too and they have their own mothers as well. I do have a very good relationship with them and because of this they do sometimes ask advice.

I disagree about intervening at all. The older generation have always advised the younger one. Quite rightly. Do it nicely. Even if they seem a bit shirty when you say things, they probably will think about it later and maybe act on your advice.

Works for me.

Yes you're right JessM, they must do things their way of course but don't want to feel awkward in my own home because of things said. As usual us mum's are in the middle of it all eh?

I agree, other family members need to let new-parent tetchiness wash over them. It is a big adjustment and they get very anxious. it is no time to be taking offence.
Also Sandra it is hard for us to remember that they are in charge and will do things their way. We are only justified in intervening if there is a SERIOUS health and safety risk or if we are completely confident we will be told to back off and no offence on either side.
There are a few threads on this site started by young mums that are threatened by their mums and mum in laws interfering or commenting on how they are looking after their babies. Makes salutory reading for new grans I think.