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Is my nose out of joint?

(48 Posts)
gracesmum Tue 17-Jan-12 14:11:46

Youngest DD's future MIL rang last night and told DH all about wedding plans - they had had lunch with DD and fiance on Sunday.
1) We have been to lunch at DD's new house once since they moved last summer, future in-laws? Several times
2) I would have preferred to hear plans direct from DD - OK , she and fiance are doing all the planning so I am not being trad MOB and we are not paying for it (I THINK) but will make a contribution. I was expecting to have this conversation with her some time soon to find out planned budget and see what we can contribute.
3) Am I just jealous?

nanapug Tue 17-Jan-12 14:20:02

Probably, but understandably!

grrrranny Tue 17-Jan-12 14:41:47

I would have been upset not to hear about plans from DD herself. Does DD live nearer future MIL than to you? Is future MIL much richer/pushier than you? Is DD in awe of/afraid of/want to get on right side of/ future MIL? Don't know why these questions other than there must be some kind of reason why you haven't been told directly. Yes I would be jealous so not being very helpful there.

kittylester Tue 17-Jan-12 14:43:51

The Mother of the Groom is in a funny position really, isn't she? They don't have a real role so she probably wants to prove she knows about things. We all know that a son is only a son "till he gets a wife" so she is probably anxious.

Have the conversation with your daughter.

But, as nanapug says it would be understandable to feel put out too!

gracesmum Tue 17-Jan-12 15:08:16

They live about the same distance away (50+ miles, 1 1/2 hours drive), she is very sweet but maybe pushier - tend to impose a bit of a 3-line whip for attendance at family dos - they have a much better pension that we do and therefore more disposable income I think - ours went on a much nicer house, private education for our 3 girls then took a dive when DH no longer able to work, fiance is a thoroughly nice chap who is lovely to his mum (good omen for how he wil treat his wife) and both DD and he get on really well with his family, and I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe they don't know THAT much more than I do, but are making more of it. Don't get me wrong, this is not mummy wars, I am extremely fond of them both and also I have another suspicion that DD being the youngest, is very conscious of showing her "grown-upness" and independence. The future MIL organised her own daughter's wedding last year and her eldest son's the year before as her DIL's mother lives abroad and was not able to play any part in the wedding, so perhaps she has just got into the habit.
Take a deep breath, smile, keep calm (and shift that weight so that I am slimmer than her at the wedding!!! Now who is being childish? Don't answer that!grin

Butternut Tue 17-Jan-12 15:14:42

I am soon to be Mother of the Groom - 4 months and counting.......grin

I am organising it all because it is being held here; foreign country + foreign language (involving long-haul, short-haul air travel, b&b bookings, train timetabling with pick-ups and drop-offs) certainly ups the stress, but the only thing I'm really concerned about is that it should NOT RAIN on the day, as it's going to be held in our garden.
Logistically it's a bit of a nightmare, but so far things are looking

The most important thing is to keep all lines of communication open to all involved females - saves a lot of hurt feelings.

absentgrana Tue 17-Jan-12 15:15:21

Maybe your daughter feels that if future MIL is willing to take on some of the preparations, it will spare you the effort, so that you can just enjoy a carefree wedding day without being exhausted/on the verge of a nervous breakdown/overloaded with debt, etc.

shysal Tue 17-Jan-12 16:17:56

In my experience there always seems to be a bit of 'one-upmanship' from DDs' MILs whether over time spent with grandchildren, social events, pocket money given etc. I could easily feel put out but I think it is unintentional so shrug it off.

glammanana Tue 17-Jan-12 16:27:08

gracesmum Sit back relax and let her take the strain if she feels she wants to,and you and your DH enjoy the day without any pressure of the previous month's.thanks

Gally Tue 17-Jan-12 16:36:08

I could write a book about daughter No.2's MIL and one day I will put it all down on paper before I forget it all. I will confine my story to one incident at the wedding. She clung onto SIL in the formal photos to the extent that when SIL saw them he exclaimed (broad Ozzy accent here) 'J.... C..... it looks loik oi've married me own b....y mother'. She hasn't changed one iota over the last 9 years and I think my daughter is a saint grin
Gracesmum try and keep a sense of humour and don't whatever you do, give the Outlaws any reason to gloat; it's very, very hard, but worthwhile in the end. Sometimes, I could scream but I have to do it inwardly with a beatific smile on my

Ariadne Tue 17-Jan-12 16:36:13

I'd feel miffed, even if I knew I shouldn't! But the others are right, be determined in a pleasant way and keep the three way communication going. With our DD's in laws, (now there's a story..) we had a lunch together, with the bride and groom, and it worked well. If you did the inviting, gracesmum it would implicitly make your position clear, I think. Good luck!

JessM Tue 17-Jan-12 16:37:10

At least gracesmum the future ILs are people you can relate to. There have been times when I would have really appreciated having someone else there I could ring up.
I guess there is always some competition or at least comparison between 2 sets of ILs.

harrigran Tue 17-Jan-12 17:03:06

When my DD got married it was to an orphan so there were no in-laws, a great shame. The couple made the arrangements and I paid for everything. When my DS married, they did everything and paid
for it, I sat back and enjoyed it.
Weddings are so different nowadays with couples living together before the ceremony. I wouldn't lose any sleep over who found out first, just enjoy the day.

Oldgreymare Tue 17-Jan-12 17:22:27

Gracesmum... 'outlaws' can be very strange! (But I am someone's outlaw too!!!).
When No. 1 son got married, a very quiet wedding with only 12 or so guests, we paid for:
The reception, a meal in their favourite Italian Restaurant,
A posh car (with champagne)
Accommodation for the 2 grans ( my Mum and MIL).

On the morning after the wedding we had gathered to say our goodbyes when the bride's Mum asked us whether we could make a further contribution, she said she was asking on behalf of the couple, we wrote her a cheque.
I like to think I know my son well enough to think he would have asked us directly. I have never mentioned this to him, but it still feel there was something odd about it.

mrshat Tue 17-Jan-12 17:26:54

Yes gracesmum I'd be a bit miffed. However, it is not worth falling out with your DD over it, just keep smiling and welcome every discussion you have with her. My DD2's MIL is just unbelievable. I don't know how my DD copes. Maybe I will copy Gally and write a book, but folk would think it was fiction! Only photos of the wedding in her house is one of her DSons (my SIL and his brother) and one of her and hubby. No sign of my DD at all!! Never misses an opportunity to complain about what was a wonderful wedding day/celbration!

gracesmum Tue 17-Jan-12 17:36:15

That sounds very dodgy OGM!!
When our eldest married they were both on eye-watering salaries and paid for the lot even saying to guests - we don't want presents, just your company. DH had just been using up one of his 9 lives at the time so I was more than happy to leave everyhing up to them, but very flattered to be invited to accompany DD to Worcester to a particular bridal shop. This is to be a very untraditional wedding - DD's friends all very arty so nothing traditional at all. Once we have had the conversation about their plans and projected budget, we will know how much we can afford to give (bearing in mind we have a third DD still single) so while not quite like Mrs Bennett, close!
I don't think future MIL will actually get a look in on the preps as invites/ cake/ flowers/photography all seem to be taken care of by arty friends or at least done for cost.
I just want to be told things first.............!
(grinEvery time I consider weakening on the diet, I think of those pics and the arty, maybe oriental or indian, or floaty un- MOB outfit I shall be looking for!)

harrigran Tue 17-Jan-12 17:40:51

I think that is nice gracesmum when my DS and DIL got married they also said no gifts but if desired donations to their old university hardship fund. I liked the idea that students were being helped.

grrrranny Wed 18-Jan-12 11:22:26

gracesmum The arty wedding planned sounds fun and the scope you have for a stunning outfit much more exciting than typical MOB get up. It may be childish to want to be thinner than other mother but I would be the same. I might try not to care but I would which doesn't make me the kind of 'unconcerned about appearances' person I would like to be and can be at times but suppose we are all human and have these weaknesses. Sounds like you have kind of worked out why DD has spoken to future MIL (three-line whips for dinners and DD trying to be independent) before fully involving you so don't eat that bit of cake and start visualising that outfit clinging in all the right places and not having to skim the bulges grin

jeni Wed 18-Jan-12 11:36:16

gm I think I can see you in a lovely silk embroidered kaftan! Perhaps in a dark crimson.

gracesmum Wed 18-Jan-12 13:53:10

Oh yes - it would also hide the proverbial multitude of sins if the diet doesn't quite make it. Are you thinking Tuttabankem?

harrigran Wed 18-Jan-12 14:24:40

When my Ds married I wore cream silk trousers and sleeveless top with a long nehru jacket which was floaty and light. The bride was in gold and scarlet. I am no twiggy but felt comfortable and people said I looked smart.

crimson Wed 18-Jan-12 14:51:36

I didn't realise that 'mother of the bride' was a sort of 'role' and intended to go 'hippy chic' [my usual attire] but my daughter took me in hand and I wore a very smart cream suit with expensive accessories [most of them borrowed] and then did 'hippy chic' for the evening do. gracesmum; I do understand how you feel about this, it does seem a bit odd. It just occurred to me that future MIL might be feeling a bit left out as well, with her son and your daughter pretty much arranging everything, and was perhaps putting out some feelers to see how involved you had been?

gracesmum Wed 18-Jan-12 16:52:11

LIke it harrigran(where did you find it?) and crimson you could have a point. As usual, I reacted/overreacted and have now calmed down!!

crimson Wed 18-Jan-12 17:17:17

Funny business, weddings. A large group of people, half of which don't know each other [or anyone else there, for that matter]. Upsetting some people by not inviting them etc etc. Don't think you overreacted, gracesmum; I would have felt exactly the same.

gracesmum Wed 18-Jan-12 17:52:35

Weddings, like Christmas cause more upsets in families than anything else I can think of!