Is my nose out of joint?

My GD has been asked to be a bridesmaid at her uncle's [DD's expartner's brother] wedding which will take place in the Caribbean. However it will be in school time and GD will be starting in a new class. Unfortunately GD was asked before DD and she of course wants to go. DD explained that this may not be possible and GD seems to have accepted this after some tears, but understandably DD is quite upset herself that she wasn't consulted properly.

She and her ex get on well, but her ex, lovely though he is, didn't think through the implications and neither did the rest of his family. DD is of course invited but doesn't want to go as although she's friendly with the family she's no longer close and sees it as a waste of money. I must admit I totally understand her feelings and wonder why on earth young people want to get married abroad and drag their families with them at great expense that they can ill afford. If they want to get married abroad why can't they have an affirmation or some such back home in Blighty which would also allow for a second wearing of the Frock! DD feels certain the school will back her on this but obviously feels uncomfortable about it as of course GD would love to be a bridesmaid. Oh dear.

supernana - thank you!

green...you make me laugh!

I agree absolutely, ga.....first and foremost should be thoughts of the bride and groom and their future happiness together.
Having written earlier in this thread about being the mil doing the wedding, it is because it is not possible for the bride's mother to be hands-on and I feel honoured that she has handed me the baton, so to speak.

I have had three daughters get married and each had a very different kind of wedding:
My eldest daughter had a big traditional wedding and included her father and his new wife in all the preparations and sat with them at the meal afterwards. I was sidelined along with my (current) husband's family and there was a huge amount of tension because of it (from my wider family, hurt on my behalf ) - one daughter decided not to attend.
Second daughter had a very small, intimate church wedding which involved only siblings, parents and grandparents, but included a whole weekend of celebration in a country house hotel hired exclusively.
Third daughter was married on a beach in Phuket, with just parents attending.
Each wedding threw up different problems within the wider family, but my response was simple. This is a day for the Bride and Groom - their decisions should be accepted with as much grace as one can muster. (Or as my son would say, 'Suck it up and move on.')

Me neither, Carol! Life's too short!

Good for you green. Some people delight in scoring points off others - don't get it myself.

Oh Carol, I know! Although it did put me about a bit at the time, when I found out, by the time I got to their 'do', I was really OK. I actually found it quite funny, and the 'grumpiness' of the new MIL (she looked terribly put-out, red-faced and with her 'fascinator' askew'!) made it even funnier. Of course, I didn't let her see that I saw it as funny, and I was just so pleased to be able to be at my daughter and SIL's gathering.

Turn the other cheek green. Sometimes, peoople do things unthinkingly, and if they only stopped for a moment to consider, they would realise how hurtful they were being and do something about it.

My friend's daughter decided to get married on a beach in the Maldives and gave no-one an opportunity to share their special day with them. She merrily though it was fine for everyone, and her poor mum was devastated. I met her whilst shopping and all she could do was cry while she showed me the beautiful photos of the beach wedding, with two total strangers (hotel waiters) stood there as their witnesses. She was heart-broken, but to this day, her daughter is oblivious and thinks it's the most romantic thing they ever did.

My daughers took one look at my face when they were telling me about this wedding, and reassured me they would never do that!

Pennysue, perhaps my own experience was a little similar to yours. There were some people at the wedding who may not have been turned up if I'd attended. So if I wasn't there, then they could turn up without a care! My daughter and her new husband did have a 'do' a couple of weeks later, on the day we returned from holiday, so we were able to go to that. This was also attended by these people, but that didn't matter to me. I did feel the heat of the wrath of the MIL a little, though....she had done a large amount of baking and my own contributions to the event were more 'bought from the shop' as I didn't have time to prepare anything (again showing I wasn't a 'caring mother'!) Sometimes you just can't win!

greenmossgiel I can empathise completely having been in a similar position recently. The only difference being I did not and do not like the new spouse so was in a way pleased that I was away, but part of me thinks it was designed that way and not as was explained to me "that is the only time ....... can be there and thought you were going later" Yes and I am a ............

This thread made me think of when my daughter got married. She and her partner had been together for 11 years and had a little girl. They wanted to do it quietly and out of the blue told us when it was going to take place (at the registry office, but only with witnesses and then they would go away for a short break. I'd already booked and paid for a 2 week holiday and as the news of their wedding came after the booking and all payments had been made, I asked her what she would like me to do. She told us that we should go ahead, because no-one else was to be involved - only herself and partner and witnesses. We went away on holiday, phoning before and after the event took place to wish them well. However, on our return, we saw the photos.....all of her new husband's family had been present and the photos were taken in her new MIL's garden. I felt awful, and very misled. I made no comment, but it has rankled quite a bit. The MIL is a very strong-willed woman and I don't think my daughter would have felt up to disagreeing with any of the plans she had suggested. From then on, though, I have really felt that THEY (the other side!) may have decided that I'm not a 'caring' mother!!!

Oh, good!

Well done gracesmum - parenting adults continues to present us with challenges - and if we can learn something from the way we deal with them, that is great. (rather than keep making the same darn mistake, which we all do sometimes...)

Pleased for you gracemum. Your gentle way of getting the gen on the in-laws has avoided a rift. Just shows, though, how some families make assumptions and go off at the deep end before they know what has actually happened.

ALL IS WELL just spoken to DD and tactfully said how we were looking forward to hearing about their wedding plans and would like to sit down and see how we can help . Future in laws apparently gave them the third degree in Sunday , that is not how I want to behave and I think DD appreciates that! Re the joint shopping trip - nobody says I have to find anything (!)and I will probaably ask one of the DDs for style advice as their taste is going to be more in keeping wioh the day than your traditional MOB type of shop .
So all is well and I am a happy Mummy again and sorry I over reacted

I would feel put out too but whatever happens, however much more mil contributes or gets involved you will always be Mother of the Bride. So let mil take some of the stress and buy a big hat. It's your big day too!

Oh dear maxgran don't think I don't appreciate your input but you obviously don't know me or DD. We speak about once a week - usually at the weekend as she is a very busy career "girl" who travels abroad a lot and when in London rarely gets home before 8. I know better than to impinge on the precious time she and her partner have together in the evening - added to which she is usually shattered after the tube journey from hell!
The last thing she wants is me pestering her - this is THEIR wedding and they are planning it together - not as perhaps in our day where MOB organised it all. I can bide my time and I know from eldest D (with whom I had a wee word yesterday) that she will resist any attempts by her future MIL to muscle in. I do try to hold back rather than rush in with my daughters as (somehow) we have bred very independent confident ladies and I w ould rather wait to be asked than push in and have them think "Oh Mum!!" It's like being a tactful and sensitive granny - the offers are there but they dont want us to be on their backs! Future MIL wants us to go outfit shopping together - oh dear, I have to head that one off at the pass!!!

Perhaps the MiL has shown more interest and asked more questions than you have ?
Instead of waiting for your DD to tell you things, why not make the effort and keep in regular touch ?
For all you know your DD may be wondering why her MiL is more interested thanyou are ?
Tell your DD that you would love to be involved and help with anything you can.
WHen my son got married I felt a bit left out and got a bit offended because I felt my DiL was not involving me but my daughter pointed out that perhaps I should offer my help - Let my DiL know that if she needed me to do anything I was there,..BUT not to push myself on her!
In the end my DiL asked me to do some small things. I realised I had been sat back just waiting to feel offended and I think some women do this quite often instead of just speaking up.

Excellent Ariadne - I shall try to remember that whilst organising the wedding!

Ariadne , that could explain why my ex accused me of trying to upstage him at DS1's wedding. Nothing could have been further from my mind. In fact, I tried not to notice him at all and just enjoyed the day.

Good metaphor Ariadne

Jargon type metaphor, but it works: every party brings their own luggage to the proposed union, then each person unpacks it until there is a big heap of stuff in the middle of the floor. To get any sort of understanding, the significance of each bit of stuff needs explaining. That is so hard.

We used to use it at Relate, with couples, when I was a counsellor with them. It does make sense but, in the case of a wedding, could also make for despair; everyone's "stuff" has significance to them alone.

In the end, we do what we can, with empathy and in an attempt to understand that other people are different. Which is probably the most difficult thing...

Weddings, like Christmas cause more upsets in families than anything else I can think of!

Funny business, weddings. A large group of people, half of which don't know each other [or anyone else there, for that matter]. Upsetting some people by not inviting them etc etc. Don't think you overreacted, gracesmum; I would have felt exactly the same.