Gransnet forums


Not to worry

(47 Posts)
bagitha Sun 29-Jan-12 10:17:21

I haven't counted the number of times I've read a phrase like "we never stop worrying about them" on GN, but it's a lot. Let me say straight away that I'm not criticising people who still worry about their grown up kids. I cannot know all the ins and outs of people's lives. I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who doesn't.

I don't worry about my kid who is still a kid either, though I could – about her very selective eating, for instance – but she's healthy so I don't. If she doesn't grow out of it, she'll just have to learn to cope with it too. (Yes, I have tried various strategies, but she is obdurate).

And no, my grown up daughters do not have perfectly easy and straightforward lives, but they are competent and independent adults. They know I'm an emergency back-up, along with their father (my ex), and their paternal grandparents. It'd drive them nuts if we worried though, just as my mother's worrying drove me nuts.

Ariadne Sun 29-Jan-12 19:57:09

"Worst fears are better than horrible imaginings..." (Macbeth) And it's quite true, isn't it? I'm thinking of the time when my diagnosis was almost a relief - to know!

Nanban Tue 31-Jan-12 08:06:23

Isn't worrying about their welfare the other side of loving them? I want my children to be happy and lead lovely lives and so I worry.

maxgran Thu 02-Feb-12 15:45:16

Worrying won't bring them happiness or make them lead lovely lives. Worrying is about you - not them. Loving is not worrying surely ?
My partners mother was a constant worrier and it drove my partner nuts because she fussed constantly.

I don't worry about my children. They are both independent, strong, clever people who can manage quite well without me
Of course I am concerned if there is anything wrong - but I trust that they can handle most things. I didn't bring them up to be dependent.
I am glad I don't worry - because they have so many things going on I would be a wreck !

Nanban Thu 02-Feb-12 20:25:39

Worry, concern is not fussing and yes quite right, worrying is all about the person doing it otherwise it's interference but nevertheless, if you love you worry for the loved one. You worry for their happiness and well-being surely.

greenmossgiel Thu 02-Feb-12 21:28:01

As we speak, I'm encouraging and supporting my son to address his past issues. He IS addressing them, and if I hadn't helped him to do this, I don't know what would have happened. He is now fine, but needed to talk about what he saw as his 'failings'. I didn't bring my family up to be dependent - I value my own independence and freedom too much for that! In some cases, though - we have to be there for them, don't we?
So, *Nanban, yes - I agree with you.

maxgran Fri 03-Feb-12 09:30:28

Yes,.. we always have to be there for them. However, things move on & develop whether we worry or not and I think time spent worrying can hinder progress of any situation.
Perhaps worry is excessive concern ?

My sister worries about everything but spends little time actually dealing with her problems.

expatmaggie Fri 03-Feb-12 10:11:10

In German there is the term Sorgen Kind = worry child, this the child you worry about and somehow can't stop worrying about. There is one in most families and so having accepted that, in true stolid German fashion, you get on with your life and don't expect to be free from worry. So you don't worry about being a worrier nor do you question the fact that a mother worries about her Sorgenkind.

My Sorgenkind is successful women with her own house and family! I really should stop worrying now.

expatmaggie Fri 03-Feb-12 10:19:32

Correction. is a WomAn, not women.

whatisamashedupphrase Fri 03-Feb-12 10:21:10

My DD is off on a wild and wonderful trip to outer Norway in a couple of weeks. I will not worry. I will not. hmm

whatisamashedupphrase Fri 03-Feb-12 10:22:51

I don't think you can choose whether you worry or not.

maxgran Fri 03-Feb-12 12:02:24

No,.. but you can 'work' on it. smile

petallus Fri 03-Feb-12 12:17:07

I really like the German idea of the Sorgenkind. From my observations I would say it is true in many families, certainly it is in my own. I find the concept quite helpfulsmile

GoldenGran Fri 03-Feb-12 12:31:46

I think worry and concern go with being a parent, I don't mean worrying about all the day to day issues in their life, they have to deal with those on their own like the rest of us. But I think it is normal to be concerned when there are biger issues igoing on, and even if we can't actually solve anything, I think everyone likes to know they have support , whether ptactical or emotional. I do worry more than I should, but I don't let them know.

greenmossgiel Fri 03-Feb-12 16:32:59's got a nice ring to it, hasn't it! I think it's meaning sums up the situation perfectly, too.

expatmaggie Fri 03-Feb-12 18:58:36

After being on GN I went for a short walk just to get out of the house for half an hour with -10C freezing temperatures. I wondered where it all started and when I started worrying about my Sorgenkind. In the beginning I just worried as mothers do but then I realised I had never worried about my other daughter.
She is always ready to go, and always in a circle of friends, even when in hospital after a bike accident I didn't worry. I always knew she would soon be up and about again.

I think Sorgenkind worrying comes from a mother's intuitive feeling that here is a child who will need someone to look out for them, someone ready to support her/him no matter what.

jeni Fri 03-Feb-12 19:06:05

I agree. The number of times I have phoned one of my children because of a "feeling" beggars belief! Weird!

greenmossgiel Fri 03-Feb-12 19:08:47

I think so, expatmaggie. You're right.

wisewoman Sat 04-Feb-12 23:00:45

I don't think we can choose whether or not to worry. The important thing is to be supportive without letting them KNOW you are worrying about them. I try to manage my worry as I realise it is pointless but I am not always successful. I read somewhere that Michelle Obama said that a mother is only ever as happy as her least happy child and I think that is true.

bagitha Sun 05-Feb-12 07:36:40

Michelle Obama is an awesome woman. "Behind every successful man" there's an awesome woman (or whatever it says). She's it.

There was a time while DD2 was at secondary school that I worried a bit about her because she wasn't happy. However, when I asked her if she wanted to change schools, she said no. Then things seemed to improve because she started to try and change something herself, including the hardest bit, asking teachers for help (not with work, with bullies – the snarky bitching sort). She thoroughly enjoyed the Sixth Form, partly, as she so graphically put it, "because the slags and the bitches had all left". shock Since then she has only gained in confidence at uni and beyond.

JessM Sun 05-Feb-12 07:54:22

Oh that is an interesting word. One of mine has had one big drama (cancer) . I fear sometimes for his future but I don't worry. The other one, who has a family now, has had countless small dramas and that is partly why i have to work at not worrying about him. And the fact that he has a family as well maybe. Some people just seem more prone to serial problems than others don't they.
I agree Michelle O is a bit of a goddess and appears to be a real person. Must be tough being first lady and have kids to look after.
She does need to sack the team that were in charge of hair and makeup on her last Uk visit though. Someone that stunning does really not need things like false eyelashes to make them presentable. I am sure you and I will agree on this one B !

bagitha Sun 05-Feb-12 08:00:58

Oh yes! She's a natural beauty.