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to hate hearing ' i want, i want, i want' by adult who should know better

(15 Posts)
chester21 Sun 26-Feb-12 12:05:43

Am I being unreasonable, hormonal or what but since the birth of my son 9 months ago all i have heard from mil and my mum is 'i want this i want that etcand i am sick of it and not thinking about what i and my partner would LIKE. i feel that i am being bullied to visit them all the time. even though it has been made very clear to both of us that they dont want to see us just the baby!!!!!!

I dont think it helps that for some reason the baby dosent seem to like 1 of the grandparents and cries and screams whenever she comes anywhere near him. (i did something i swore i never ever would which is lie and said that he was like this with all people that he didnt see often although he goes up to 'strangers' with no problems whatsoever)

we only get 1 day a week as my partner works the rest to try and do everything that i cant do when i am home alone as i now need eyes in the back of my head with very active 9 month lol.

i know that i am probably being a little silly but i am trying to please everyone else but not pleasing the one person that i should (that being me)

bagitha Sun 26-Feb-12 12:11:57

Oh dear. You sound very stressed. You don't say what kind of things you and your partner would like to do but can't. Is there anything specific? Or do you just not want to visit the grandparents so much as at present?

absentgrana Sun 26-Feb-12 12:28:33

chester21 This sounds an absurd situation and clearly you are very unhappy about it. I suspect that you are not pleasing anyone, least of all your son and partner. It is completely unreasonable for parents or in-laws to expect to be given priority in your life, which is what this sounds like. I think you are going to have to stand up to them and say no some of the time, although not all of it. You could also consider inviting your mother and mother-in-law (separately) to visit during the week (am I correct in assuming that you are not working outside the home?). If it's the baby they most want to see, it won't matter that your partner isn't there and they could spend some time with your little son, thus giving you some breathing space.

chester21 Sun 26-Feb-12 12:29:46

bagitha nothing much really just enjoing our son mainly he is growing up so fast its unbeleiveable. he get one day off a week every week for 3 weeks and 2 days off on the other week so we thought so we dont spread ourselves too thinly around that we would visit one set of grandparents one week the other the other week we get one week to ourselves and whatever comes around on the last week where we have 2 days together whether thats a day shopping or visiting attraction, visiting friends or a day that 1 of you can look after the baby and the other one give the house a good clean out etc during the week its just me and the little one where we go to baby clubs, swimming lessons or just a walk in the park weather permiting.

one set of grandparents have told us that it is their right to see their grandson every week, unfortunately i dont want to see them on my own without their son (as i said they have made it quite clear that they only want to see our son not their own son which i was disgusted when i heard them say that and told them so which as you can imagine went down like a lead balloon)

Butternut Sun 26-Feb-12 12:48:26

Chester 21. This is a difficult situation for you and your partner. Of course you want to spend time with each other on days off to enjoy your baby and just do what you do.
I'm going to be a little bit bossy here. If you don't lay down some ground rules for the grandparents, then you are going to be storing up some difficult and awkward times ahead. Their wants may get bigger and louder.
Let them both know you will see them all when you and your family have time.
Try not to get hooked into the one week on, one week off scenario, as that can be constricting - keep it loose - and remember......... it's important for you to enjoy your free time all together as a family, and then you'll be much happier about the visits to the grandparents when you choose to do so.

Good luck. x

bagitha Sun 26-Feb-12 13:01:03

chester, that just being together not doing much is very valuable time for a family. As butternut says, it sounds as if you need to assert yourself a bit with the grandparents and just say no when they demand that you visit. You don't even need to give an explanation but you could (in all truth by the sound of it) just tell them you are rather stressed and need to chill on your own with partner and child. Good luck.

Carol Sun 26-Feb-12 13:40:52

Can the grandparents not visit you, partner and baby and get to know the baby a bit better? You would be able to get some space for yourself once they knew how to look after the baby, and maybe not feel as stressed (although you'd need to know the baby wasn't screaming every time the wrong grandparent picked him up). You could keep the days for time together as a family and get them to babysit while you maybe go out for a meal together when they come over later. I don't understand why some grandparents think everyone should go to them - young mums are run off their feet most of the time.

absentgrana Sun 26-Feb-12 13:52:37

chester21 It is not a grandparent's right to see their grandchildren – FULL STOP. Let alone once a week. It is a privilege and a joy to see one's grandchildren and a happy relationship, preferably across the three generations, is immeasurably valuable to everyone concerned. I really do think you're going to have to do a bit of putting your foot down before all this becomes too much for you and you, your partner and your son all suffer.

absentgrana Sun 26-Feb-12 13:53:41

PS chester21 I didn't mean a row or a period of conflict, just some matter-of-fact firmness.

Carol Sun 26-Feb-12 14:02:26

Grandparents don't have rights to see their grandchildren but the children are entitled to get to know their grandparents IF they are a source of support and have the child's best interests at heart. If they look at things from the child's perspective, hopefully they will see that fitting in with your needs and being helpful and interested, especially in knowing how to relate to the baby instead of giving off vibes that upset him, can only be good for the whole family.

GoldenGran Sun 26-Feb-12 14:14:42

I think you are going to have to sit down with both sets of parents and tell them just how you feel before this escalates into one of those family battles where everyone feels aggrieved and nobody listens to the other point of view.
You do sound very stressed and the situation needs a bit of defusing. I agree with absenta about it being not a right for grandparents, but maybe they are scared of being excluded.

gracesmum Sun 26-Feb-12 23:46:20

It doesn't sound to me as if either set of GP's is doing much to help you two. Could one set or the other not have the baby for an afternoon/morning/day so that you can do what you need to do e.g. that house-cleaning (or just have a break - go to the hairdresser, meet a friend) or babysit so that you and your partner could have an evening out? That way they get to see their grandchild and you get some help. I cannot understand how they can be so possessive and still so unhelpful. As to just wanting to see the baby - well you come as a package!! Do you have any idea why he doesn't react well to one set of GP's? Perhaps they are not as confident with him as they think.
I do hope you can resolve this as GP's and especially grannies can be a wonderful source of help and support when you are a busy mum - and for a granny it is a win/win situation to know she is helping while at the same time enjoying time with her GS

Amber Mon 27-Feb-12 09:57:04

Hi Chester21, perhaps a good way of getting your point over to these seemingly very selfish adults, is by telling them to look up Gransnet to see how real nans/grans help when ever possible, rather than hinder the mums of their grandchildren, as for your partners parents only wanting to see their grand child and not their son, they dont deserve to see either! you do not say if either of them have ever offered to babysit, if they have, do you not feel confident in leaving your child with either of them, if they have never offered you that help, I wouldn't worry about either of them, they do not deserve your concern.

chester21 Mon 27-Feb-12 09:59:58

gracesmum - my family live too far away to help but i am not close to them and my mum has the attitude that there is only one way to parent and that is her way which i am not at all comfortable with, and his parents are in their late 70s and not in good health to help in looking after the baby. I am lucky as i have my sons godmother moving in round the corner from us and she helps out loads by babysitting at least once a month so me and my partner can go out together. We had a conversation with mil and fil a couple of weeks ago and it was made very clear to us that what we would like didnt matter to them.

The only idea i have about him reacting badly to granny is that she is too in his face and he doesnt like that we have said countless times for her to back off but it seems to go in through one ear and out through the other

when we got home from hospital my granny made us a loads of stews and cassaroles to freeze and just needed to be reheated that was ace when people came to visit they didnt have to but they made the tea and coffee and then did the dishes just little things that helped out loads but mil just sat down and expected to be waited on hand and foot. I suppose i have an unrealasitc view as too how things would be

Elegran Mon 27-Feb-12 10:56:01

chester If you wait on people hand and foot, they come to expect it, Perhaps the first time they visited, you were being extra polite and now it has become the norm. Next time, don't. I don't mean you sit down and wait for them to do it all, but say casually "Could you give me a hand with taking these plates through, please?" or whatever, and then thank them for their help.

And be ready to drop into the conversation how tired you get, now that you have the baby to look after 24 hours a day.

It may be that she is hesitant to offer if you seem to have it under control - I know some women resent having someone else doing things in their home and Grans can feel that they are wrong if they do things and wrong if they don't.

I am not surprised your son screams when a strange face is shoved into his. Maybe you could say "He does like his own space, he doesn't like it too crowded" - that is, it is him who does not like it, it is not you being difficult.

You are very lucky in having had a helpful Granny coking for you, and an understanding "god-grandmother" round the corner, but do you think MIL could be feeling a bit pushed aside by them?