facing up to a bully

You're perfectly entitled to erect your own fence in front of his, on your land. If it were me I'd erect a higher one!

We have always been very lucky with neighbours except just the one - when we moved into the village we built a house opposite this man. One night he walked across, in the pouring rain - the garden hadn't been done so was also very muddy. He knocked on the door and when my husband answered he said he had come to tell us we weren't welcome in the village!!! My husband, never one to be short of a reply answered that he didn't give a fig (only he used a different word!). We later spoke to someone whose family had been in the village for generations who told us that our neighbour was the one who wasn't welcome because he and his wife never attempted to join in with village activities.

Make sure you keep a journal of everything that has been said or done. Always a good idea as you probably, like me, sometimes question your own memory if someone challenges you. I so hate these people with Staffie/Rottweiler type dogs; they are just cowards who hide behind them. I'd definately put an extra barrier between my garden and his, even if you do say the dog can't get through, now. It's amazing how small a gap a dog can get through if it wants to. What a horrid situation to be in; I'm so thankful that I've got such good neighbours. I hate bullies, but they sometimes get a shock if you do stand up to them. Unfortunately, this man sounds like the sort that encourages confrontation, because he enjoys it. Sad person. he is.

Very restrained gracesmum .
If you have any more intimidation from the dog maybe you could sweetly suggest that you are very concerned that, if his dog should get through, Grace might do it some damage. Because, although she looks like a quiet old thing she did once tear the throat out of staffy.

Dogs know who their owners like and who they don't. Well done grace

Postscript
On our bedtime walkie last night Grace and I had to pass his house (well. didn't have to, the walk just took us that way) and bless her, she did what a dog has to do on the corner of his front garden! Of course I scooped the poop, but itwas tempting not to........ What excellent judgement my dog has!

It's hard to stand up to a bully Gracesmum, but I think you did a great job of trying to deal with a difficult situation. Most people would prefer to try negotiation and compromise to iron out difficulties, but for some it just doesn't work. I think you were very brave.

Bullies are the worlds worst human beings. Why do they think they have the right to speak to people the way they do. I also hate confrontation but I can only take so much and then I fight back. Bullied at work for over a year (I had kept a diary of her every confrontational moment) my daughter found me in tears in my kitchen. She persuaded me to go to my boss. Did I work in a large company? No, believe it or not I am a teacher and my boss was a Deput Head. She was vile, had a mouth that would put a docker to shame and her attitude to staff that were not in her "club" was so bad that those of us 'her victims' formed a Supper Club. We would meet whenever one of us was victimised by her. The local Chinese and Indian restaurants made a fortune from us. I went to my boss and told her what was going on. I was lucky that my HT listened and read my diary of events. To my surprise she totally agreed with me but advised me to confront DHT first to hear what she had to say. She was careful not to admit to being a bully but admitted to me that a member of her family had warned her about her behaviour on more than one occasion. I suddenly found myself in her office feeling I was in control. I told her that if her behaviour towards me and others didn't improve she would be taken to a tribunal by more than 4 of us who were willing to put our jobs on the line to prove what she was doing was unacceptable. She was shocked into ceasing her horrid behaviour. Luckily for us she left a few months later to take up a HT job in another authority. If she had not left and the behaviour had continued I would have taken this further. My heart goes out to Gracesmum. Living so close to this man must be awful. You have had some really good advice form others on here. Please do not let him get away with this behaviour. Put up a new fence, a strong one, and good luck. Hopefully he will move in the near future.

carol

I stood up to a nasty next door neighbour years ago when my children were small. We needed to extend our house, rather than move, because I produced twins and doubled the size of our family to four. We decided to have a kitchen extension to enable us to have a playroom, and a large bedroom divided to give both boys their own room. As we could have the kitchen extention on the boundary, we arranged to have it 4 feet away from the fence, with a pretty garden area that next door could look at, but not us.

When the extension was finished, we ordered plants and extra soil. I saw the neighbour in the garden looking at the area - 12 feet by 4 feet and went into the garden to explain what we were doing - lovely wisteria up our wall, several small bushes to soften the bricks and some herbaceous plants to line the boundary area. It took some courage to approach him, because he had already accused me of causing a water-logged area in his garden - turned out it was an underground stream, diverted by building work at the top of the hill, not me. He could be very over-bearing.

I started to explain and he rounded on me, accusing me of creating an area to dump my rubbish where I wouldn't have to look at it. I had just spent a night tending to a 3 month baby with whooping cough, and barrier nursing so her twin didn't catch it. I was exhausted - he got both barrels, and I called him a mean and selfish man who only targets women he thinke he can bully. He went off in a huff and I could see him gesticulating at his wife. That moment, the delivery of plants and soil arrived, and in the afternoon, we laid out the lovely garden as planned, and shamed him into realising the only people to benefit from this hidden garden was him and his wife. He kept a low profile after that,

gracesmum Well done! Keep your distance and your integrity!!
I have an opposite neighbour - 91 years old, retired, 'I'm the Greatest' old-school orthopaedic surgeon who thinks he still rules the roost. 5 years ago I told him in no uncertain but polite terms what I thought of him and chose never to acknowledge or speak to him again - it works and I feel much better for it. Needless to say, he is the most unpopular man in the village and a lonely one too.

We had a problem once with getting our neighbours to repair their fence. In the end we found we were allowed to put our own fence alongside theirs without their consent.

Bet you feel much better gracesmum now you know everyone else in the neighbourhood has problems with this man.

Oh it's amazing how a bit of solidarity makes things so much better Thank you!

gracesmum dont like bullies or confrontation eitherxx

gracesmum you are magnificent! You have kept your integrity and learned that this man is a local trouble-maker, so you did the right thing to come away and think about how to solve the problem without having to deal with him again. He might not back down but he has realised he is on a sticky wicket if his dog gets through and causes any harm, so you've ensured he has done something about it, albeit temporarily.

I paid for the fence between me and next door, but they can do what they like with their sde - paint it sky blue pink with yellow borders - it faces their garden, so they have to live with it. You have to do what you can with your side of that fence, and if he doesn't want to put a new one in, you are perfectly entitled to make repairs and disguise the mess.

It's all about reasonableness - what would 'the man on the Clapham omnibus' do? What a nuisance to have someone like that living nearby. I hope you don't need to have any more dealings with him.

.

Thanks all - I feel better now and even more so after talking to another neighbour who has told me how this man has made 2 other couples' lives a misery - or attempted to. In one case the other couple involved the police and he has an injunction against him! The fence is his and his contention is that I am guilty of "criminal damage" if I so much as put a nail in it, let alone treat it with preservative as I did last year. We have taken out a lot of shrubs and planted a herbaceous border so the fence is very visible to us but I saw this afternoon that he has moved his wire garden rubbish bin to the "hole" so at least his dog can't get at it. I have also been told it is just best to keep out of his way as he is a known troublemaker and physically intimidating as well as a shouter. 2 winters ago he apparently rang up the council and "reported" people he saw taking salt/grit from the bin on the corner of the road, accusing them of taking it for their own use. I took a wheelbarrowful so I hope he reported me as I then used it on the road from where it comes off the main road, round the corner past at least 10 houses and as far as ours. I though it was very public-spirited of me! Apparently I also did the right thing by walking away as he never backs down.

It was advice on dealing with bullies that Gracesmum asked for. Not fence maintenance.

My suggestion worked for me the one time I needed it.

not mad

No, wotsa, patronising does not work with bullies. It only antagonizes them.
" I did not mean to upset you," will go nowhere.This is empowerment to them.
Best thing for Grace to do , as posters above have said, put up a new fence within her own boundaries, or approach neighbour to suggest sharing cost of replacement.
If it were me I would go for the first option.

grace he is weak individual to bully you [mad] I think shysal is right I am sure if the posts are on your side its your responsibility.

You could put some bamboo up over the hole then plant a berbiris or two and if the dog manages to break through his nose will come into contact with the thorns.

Gracesmum, you did not give way to bullying, you behaved sensibly and strategically in a position where you were at a disadvantage. Indeed you held the high moral ground because what the man you faced wanted was for you to either get angry and shout, and then he would shout louder until you backed away unable to be as loud and as unpleasant as he so he knew he had won or he wanted you to break down in tears, yet again giving him victory, by doing neither, you did, as I have said hold the moral high ground. Keep doing that and as other people have suggested put a fence up on your own side.
A roll of chain link fence and enough stakes to attach it to shouldnt cost more than about £50, unless you have a very big garden then get a couple of beefy friends with large mallets to come and hammer the posts in for you and afix the fence with wire ties.

I like your thinking Jings.

I think patronising works well. You say something like "Oh, I didn't mean to upset you. Oh please calm down, you're going to make yourself ill", whilst looking genuinely worried and concerned for them.

I suppose it's a version of 'kind words turning away anger'. (but you're not really being kind, just taking the wind out of their sails).

I have a devious mind.

I don't like confrontation either. I'll go a mile to avoid it! The exception is the grumpy old git next door!