How much is too much?

We discussed this with my girls when they were teenagers - and it was clear to them right from the start. I shall always be there for them if and when they decide to become mums (one has, one has not). I would help, support, always be there in an emergency, have kids for holidays - but would never bring up their children for them (unless something terrible happened) - and they totally agreed. I so love our grand-children, but their parents are responsible for their care and for suitable child-care when they are working- with us a emergency and occasional support.

You have every right to work full-time if you choose, and I sincerely hope that they will not take it too badly if and when you tell them about this. Thinking of you.

And as to the original question.......once you feel its too much....then it is. That being said hope all can be sorted out. We have had so many threads in here about the balance between what we can do for our Grandchildren and whats expected/or not. The only rule is that there are no rules just a near compromise that works (more or less) for those involved.

Greatnan...............am dead impressed with you......if you can er...um.......stop......er mid-stream as it were!

Well I have only 1 grandchild and very unlikely to have anymore. He is the apple of my eye and I looked after him at first just for a couple of hours and then up till 2 days a week. BUT- they live just around the corner and I got a job in a school laterly. I did it purely for selfish reasons . Now he is at secondary school and Mum works to fit in with those hours and I see less of him. Which is perfectly natural and normal but my point is that they will do what is right for themselves in life and you must do what is right for you. I relished those hours with him more than anything but working in school is not the most well paid and holidaying in school holidays is a pain and expensive. Just to make you feel really good RUISLIPNAN if you are now 53 and you want to make a change in career you need to do it sooner rather than later ,good jobs are scarce and lots of employers don't realise what a brilliant assett we Grans are! Don't feel guilty, you have given them valuable time to get their lives and careers on track and I am sure if you speak to them honestly they will appreciate your point . They must realise that your circumstances have changed and most offspring urge their parents to "get a life" so I say GO FOR IT ,give them plenty of notice about how you are feeling and they may even get there before you!

Hi RuislipNan. How lovely 6 and 3. I just feel that whilst you and your daughter will be concerned over your problem your little ones will have their thoughts too. Nan has always been there for them and you have obviously done a great job of nurturing them, they will be wondering why nan has suddenly gone off the scene and they are old enough to understand something has changed in their routine. Had they been older then at some stage we as grandparents have to take a back seat as our duty as carers has been complete and their time for independance has come. That's when we start to feel like the neglected ones and probably miss those years of looking after them. I remember when I had to tell my dear mum my daughter was 8 years old and asked if nanny could stop picking her up from school and she could walk home on her own. My mum was gutted but it was lifes natural progression and that will happen to you also!

If your son and daughter are both working perhaps they could help financially
have you asked ?.I am sure they would prefer you to look after their children. When the 3 year old starts school things might be falling into place a little better. I sincerely wish you reach a conclusion that suits you all, good wishes.

Like POGGS I have always been happy to look after my grandchildren and counted it a joy and privilege -never considered charging.I can appreciate that long regular hours might become onerous for gran and need further thought and discussion.
However there must be grans like me denied contact who would be willing to pay the ex-DIL for the hours spent with the grandchild.Now there's a thought !!

Thank you for all your comments, lots to think about, especially Pogs observation that maybe I should not jump too quickly into full time work at the expense of not seeing my grandchildren.
My grandsons are 6 and 3, I am curious why you are saying that their ages do make a difference Pogs?

speki I go along with everything you've just said!

keep papers in one canvas tote bag, other recycling in another and food recycling in the small bin provided by council..all live behind kitchen door inside. I do have a dish washer..luxury I know. Never had a washing mahine until DD2 arrived..it was a second hand twin tub so feel v lucky now!.
Re how much childcare is too much...think you have to feel comfortable and be able to afford what you do. I am retired & am lucky to have a resonable pension that I supplement with occasional work. I look after DGS 2 afternoons and do other ad hoc care for other two DGDs if required. If I needed to work my DDs would understand 7 make other arrangements. just glad I can help now.

'Demanding old grumps!' I like it!

Our wheelies blow over if we put them there, anno. We have to lash them to a fence. So I have some boxes in the kitchen which I carry out and empty when I can't shove another empty squashed milk bottle in, or another wodge of junk mail.

petallus my pleasure, always pleasedtohelp when I can!

bags, my recycling bin is right beside my back steps so that I just have to put my head outside the door to pop recyclables in the bin.

Keep it up, speki! I'm enjoying your posts.
No pressure, natch!

specki That made me chuckle

Hmmm! I feel, sob, so, sob, misunderstood, sob sob. I am NOT bleating about my lack of a dishwasher! I'm using it as tongue in cheek example of what a lot of young families (that I know) expect to have. But my main point is that Grans should not feel that they are duty bound to take over the child minding - it should be their choice. I would of course step in in an emergency - try stopping me!

We WOBS have enough guilt inducing problems as it is..like for eg servicing the demanding old grumps we live with.

RuislipNan and family need to talk and make compromises.

Greatnan As you so rightly say - things have very little real value. What counts is genuine love of the caring/sharing kind.

As for dishwashers. I have never owned one. Not on my list of priorities. Nice for those who have vast family gatherings. Otherwise...it's elbow grease and dry, clean tea towel for the rest of my days.

Thanks for your advice Jeni Of course, it all happened after my gp surgery closed yesterday so wasn't able to run it past them.

Seems to be quite a bit of chicken pox about at the moment. Hope your GC doesn't feel too ill.

I find myself being a hypocrit. I responded to the question the other day when we were asked if it was fair of a grandmother to charge her daughter £600 a month to look after children. Most of the comments posted said it was a bit high. I said it was a joy to look after my grandchild and that her love, cuddles annd kisses were PRICELESS.

Now I am saying that in RuislipNans case it is a different ball game and she obviously has a horrible decision to make. I feel very sorry for you, you obviously have been a very caring mum to look after your grandchildren and I only hope your daughter remembers that and she will understand your circumstances no longer mean the status quo can remain. You are in a vulnerable position having divorced be careful not to jump too quick into full time work at the expense of not seeing your grandchildren. I am sure a compromise can be worked out but you have to take the first step and talk it over with your daughter. How old are your grandchildren, it does make a difference?

I still haven't got a dishwasher or a washing machine (I'm not complaining, I just don't have room and I manage very well without them.)
I have reached the age when I really don't want anything material, just books and CD's so I spend a good half of my income on travel.
I don't go into shops, other than the supermarket for food and wine. I have never set much store by possessions, even when I had a high income. I did accumulate some good jewellery when I worked for a generous millionaire, but I have given it all to my daughters and grand-daughters, apart from one ring. I feel things tie you down and what I have always wanted more than anything else is freedom. Oh, the relief of not being married and not having to account for my movements to anybody.

There is a space for one in my kitchen but it's where I keep all the recycling boxes and the rubbish bin and the compost bin. Where do people put stuff-that's-on-the-way-to-the-wheelie-bin in posh kitchens?

I still don't have one either, bagitha! For a start, I don't know where we'd put it - there isn't any spare space in the kitchen.

I still don't have a dishwasher. Don't particularly want one either. Bought my first car from my brother on privately arranged HP (he's an accountant), paying him a little each month over two years. The kids were eight and six by then. I had that car for nineteen years. It died of body rust and old age though the engine was still fine. [nostalgic]

Nobody I knew had a dishwasher when I was a young mum! And I couldn't afford to drive anything! (Nor the lessons...)

When you say unheated, I presume you mean not centrally heated, harri?