To expect son to pay something, at least!

I would get a Solicitor to send him a letter and I would make it clear he is not welcome until he commits to repaying the debt..
He obviously cares for himself more than anyone else and he appears to have made a decision that your daughter doesn't really need the money so he can just abuse her generosity.

It wouldn't matter if your daughter was a millionaire - he should repay what he owes. How dare he spend money on dogs rather than pay his sister ?!

Thank you xx

Good luck Numberplease.

Fingers crossed, then number. Maybe they've been giving it a bit of thought over the weekend - once they've started to pay something back regularly, it'll keep going. Good luck !

The atmosphere was better today, still no mention of paying her anything, but they did ask if his wife owed her anything, whether it`s a run-up to paying something, we`ll have to wait and see. Thank you all for your comments and helpful ideas, but as I`ve said, I`m not confrontational, neither is my daughter really, but she is determined not to "lend" him anymore.

You just needed to fill a bit more in.

They do take care of our tender sensibilities, don't they. (there's usually a way round it)

petallus p**s

Seriously shameful situation. He doesn't deserve your daughter's kindness. As has already been suggested I think the setting up of a standing order would be the best thing. ( + forget to cancel it for a few months after it has been fully paid up!!)

I would keep hold of the money you are supposed to pay him until the job is finished, and then give it to your daughter as part of his payment to her!

I would second Joan's comments - I went on lending my daughter money because she always had some sob story about how desperate things were, although she was massively overspending. When I took back about half of what I had lent her, she accused me of stealing it, as I had not dreamt of drawing up a loan agreement. All the loans were obtained from credit card companies and banks, and were all in my name. When she was unable to pay them all in full, I lost my 45-year old credit rating.
I realised, seven years too late, that I should have stopped lending her money as all I was doing was encouraging her dependency and allowing her to avoid facing up to her own responsibilities.
It may cause a rift with your son if you ask him to start making some regular repayments, but in all honesty you might all be better off without him until he grows up.

He is taking the p... as petallus so aptly says. This is emotional blackmail-he knows you don't like confrontation, and this allows him to carry on with what really is stealing.Time he and wifey grew up.

Have a small store cupboard containing pasta, pasta sauce etc....have some butter, bacon, cheese and bread in the freezer. The next time he says he can't feed his chldren give him a bag of food rather than cash. If it's true then the children get fed and if he's lying he gets no cash to spend on whatever he really wanted it for.

I don't think you are doing him any favours by letting him get away with it. He needs to take responsibility for his own finances for the sake of his own future happiness.

I know it is hard when it involves family, but next time he comes, tell him that he owes that money and must start paying it back, preferably by a regular direct bank transfer credit, even if it is only at 5 or 10 quid a week. Explain that it is hurtful for his sister to see how getting a dog is more important than her.

I know there is a risk here of a rift: I've been through that and I know how it hurts, but I reckon he relies on you all too much to stay away.

Whatever does happen, one thing you can certainly do is ensure he gets no more money. As mentioned before, if he uses the children/no food blackmail. just buy the food. If he uses the electricity cut off excuse, ask for the bill, ring them up and arrange for him to pay it off in instalments if possible, otherwise refuse to pay it unless he sets up a direct debit to pay you back.

Good luck!!!

How weird. I'm trying to put a p and three asterisks but obviously I'm doing something wrong.

p*

Thanks for the clarification numberplease. Sorry to hear of your daughter's rheumatoid arthritis.

I do know from my own experience how upsetting it is when someone who owes you money doesn't pay it back but instead buys unnecessary stuff for themselves. Feels like they are taking the p*

Thinking of you number - how incredibly hard for you to be stuck in the middle

Petallus, by partly disabled, I mean that she can`t get around very well, due to very bad rheumatoid arthritis, very rarely leaves the house, but she is completely compos mentis, manages her own banking and spending. She wants her brother to pay her back, but is willing to wait if he really doesn`t have the money, but it really seems as if he`s rubbing her nose in it, bragging about how much his dogs have cost, and about him and his wife getting the PPI payouts, and yet saying that he still can`t afford to pay her anything. In temper yesterday, he did say to give her the money that we were paying them for decorating, as part repayment, but that`s not really how she wanted to get money off him. I don`t want a family rift, none of us do, it`s so difficult.

numberplease I wonder how your daughter feels about the money her brother owes to her. You say your daughter is partly disabled but I don't know whether this means she needs someone to act on her behalf in such matters. If she is capable of looking after her own interests then the matter is primarily between her and her brother.

What a difficult situation. You have been advised to stand your ground with your son but I am guessing it is not going to be easy for you. Good luck.

If your son was hitting your daughter you would tell him to stop. In my eyes that is exactly what he is doing - being a bully. I understand that he is doing some decorating for you - don't pay him, give the money to your daughter. What do your other children think of his behaviour.

Sorry if this seems a harsh posting, but a disabled person should not be taken advantage of by anyone, let alone a sibling. I understand you do not like confrontation, neither to I, but if anyone (including her brother) was to treat my daughter like this, they would have me to deal with.

Next time he says he can't feed the kids, suggest he sells one of the dogs and not sponge of his family.

Of course he should pay it back. That's a staggering amount of money your son owes your daughter.

As she's disabled and still living at home at 48 she's obviously very vulnerable to your son's bullying tactics and needs your help.

It's unlikely that he will pay what he owes but at least take steps to prevent him from taking any more money from his sister. It's possible that if you do take a firm stand it will affect your relationship with him but I think your priority should be your daughter's well-being, considering his past behaviour.

I can't understand how this situation has come about. For your son to behave in this way he must have been given everything he wanted from a very early age. He obviously has no conscience about the way he has treated his sister or you. It would also seem that his wife hasn't either. They should be told by your daughter in no uncertain terms that she needs her money paid back to her starting now and that she will not be making any more loans in the future. Her needs should definitely come before theirs. Providing for children and buying and feeding dogs is not his sister's responsibility and he knows this. He just finds her an easy target. I do hope something can be done to sort this out but unless you and your daughter are prepared to say no I can't see him stopping.

Your son is taking you and your daughter for a ride-an expensive one at that. Don,t let them do it-your d. will need that money later on. Do you think he would help her if she got into financial difficulties-would he eck. The thing is -some people think owing money to family is OK-and need not be paid back. I lent a good few thousand pounds to a close f. member several years ago. I have never seen a penny of it -nor ever will. Believe me it leaves you very resentful and bitter. Don,t let any more go-and tell everyone in the family if he carries on asking. It is tantamount to abuse to do this to his vulnerable sister-stick up for her-and let someone else do so if you don,t feel up to it.I wish I had.

Number please, such a horrid situation for you but I tend to agree that by always 'finally' giving in to him you have almost trained him to be this way. He has learned that he can act irresponsibly with money because there is always someone else who has to act responsibly. Dont make excuses for him anymore, he has got to learn that at some point its HIS fault, HIS responsibility. Its going to be horrible for you as he has learned that if he behaves like a sulky teenager he is bailed out but for everyones future peace of mind all the family will have to present a united front. Good luck, but I think you know whats got to happen.

There’s a solution for when he plays the ‘kid’s need food’ card. Buy the kids some food but refuse to give him anymore money. He is being enabled, which means that he won’t ever stand on his own two feet and take responsibility unless you leave him to do it. He might be 42 but it sounds like some ‘tough love’ is well overdue.