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In laws!

(14 Posts)
Skye Fri 15-Jun-12 17:53:17

My SIL invited my DD (15) to my MIL for 4 days at the end of June, they live 300 miles away. SIL hasn't had much to do with DD or my other children, so I was slightly put out that she hadn't come through me or OH. So I asked her next time would she mind letting us (the parents) know before making arrangements with my children. I am glad DD is going as I never stop the children from seeing relatives. Was I right to do this? I feel guilty, she has no children of her own.

glassortwo Fri 15-Jun-12 17:57:07

Skye I think it should have been run past you, dont feel guilty your DD is only 15. different if she had been older.

nanaej Fri 15-Jun-12 18:48:58

So her uncle is your brother & she is your daughter's aunt? Does seem communication could have been better..but maybe just thoughtless if she has not had kids of her own!

Skye Fri 15-Jun-12 19:55:53

My OH sister. Thank you guys! smile

Skye Fri 15-Jun-12 21:47:13

Oh dear OH thinks I should have said nothing as it is his sister she has a right to ask my children to do things.

I just think it should have run past us first as SIL hasn't made any effort in the past, maybe 2 visits a year or a meal together near Christmas? I like to be included in the family decisions regarding my children. As time goes on she has started to make an effort with us, and I knew this would happen as she got older. She left my kids out alot and favoured 2 other nieces but they now have partners. She also really didn't like me that much at first and likes to organise all the family. Been made to feel I shouldn't have said anything and I'm the bad person here.

whenim64 Fri 15-Jun-12 22:15:00

Skye they are children and you have parental responsibility. She is either being deliberatly provocative or is not very bright if she doesn't understand that children need permission to do certain activities away from their parents. Your OH would presumably be upset if she had arranged something without his knowledge and you had a family holiday planned for the same time?

johanna Fri 15-Jun-12 22:30:13

How did your SIL contact your daughter ? Does your DD have a mobile maybe?
Your SIL might have thought your DD would feel very grown up getting the invitation personally, rather then through her parents.

But you should tell your OH that his sister has No Right, to ask your children to do things.

Skye Sat 16-Jun-12 04:55:54

It was organised all over facebook for all to see! I didn't know until DD asked to go and then I saw all the conversation! This is the first time SIL has invited one of my children so I think she needs to know boundries of asking the parents first. Thanks for all the answers it is good to bounce off people outside the family.

Skye Sat 16-Jun-12 05:26:15

Johanna, she lives close by and as my children have been growing up she has done nothing with them. Only 7 years ago she started making sure they all had birthday and Christmas presents. This is the first time she has asked to take one of them to MIL. I thought years ago one day she will want to know them and it has started now! She wants to be the Matriach of the family. At my wedding she wasn't happy and made me feel very uncomfortable, she made sure I knew. Oh well, I'm laid back but am glad I said something! Ps....I have asked MIL and SIL to feel free to take any of the children out over the years and also asked MIL if she would like to come down and spend time with us. So I have never been unreasonable. smile

JessM Sat 16-Jun-12 06:14:06

Skye, good morning, you are not being at all unreasonable to ask her to check with you next time. Who knows what dental appointments, social engagements or whatever a 15 year old has, that she might not remember before making an arrangement. Or indeed that you might have and not told her.
I think you are getting yourself in an unreasonable (i.e. not logical but emotional) tizz about this though. Ok this woman is perhaps not very child centred. And lots of women get a little huffy when their brother marries (a friends daughter wore black at her brothers wedding...) You don't terribly like her. But millions of people have inlaws that they don't terribly like, but put up with because that's what you do. It is odd marrying into another family as their ways are inevitably so different to yours, but your DH of course thinks they are entirely normal.
You can't have it both ways really - in your book she'd damned if she does not pay any attention to your DD and she's damned if she does.
So you have done the right thing, try to look at the positives. There are many worse things that 15 year olds do than go on visits with less than charming aunts. So my suggestion for the day is try to think about the positives in this and not worry away at the negatives. Then you will gradually start to feel better.

glammanana Sat 16-Jun-12 07:40:51

Skye I certainly think that politeness should dictate that your SIL ask's for your consent with regard to your daughter,you could have already have made arrangements to go somewhere else as a family couldn't you,do you think she is trying to fill a gap in her life now that the other two nieces have partners,if she has not had contact with your children maybe she has a problem relating to younger children and now feels that at 15yrs she can relate with your daughter now,I would tell her to always keep you in the loop as regards to what she intends to ask your children and remember you are the parent here not her.

Barrow Sat 16-Jun-12 09:28:54

I don't have children myself but I would never dream of inviting my in laws children away without first consulting the parents - its just good manners. Its the same as offering children sweets without checking with the parents first if it is OK - another thing I never do. So, no you are not being unreasonable.

merlotgran Sat 16-Jun-12 11:21:51

Skye Facebook has a lot to answer for. People can feel very left out when they read conversations that don't include them but they are nevertheless involved. I always take anything said on Facebook with a very large pinch of salt.

Skye Sat 16-Jun-12 14:06:58

Great answers, thank you, the positives are that she is a fantastic Aunt and I have told her that, I am going to not dwell on SIL and my relationship that was in our 20's and 30's. I will welcome any bit of contact she is going to have with my family. The dynamics of family life change as we get older. My MIL is a wonderful, fantatic person who we don't get to see alot and I am happy for my daughter to be going to such people who I know who love them dearly. It gives my daughter and myself a break from each other! Yes fb has alot to answer to!