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Am I being unreasonable

(8 Posts)
tigger Sun 24-Jun-12 14:16:09

Hello Everybody

Only discovered this website existed today. I have an age old problem but it's not just about a daughter-in-law but also my son. I am not going to whack on about the last 12 years but suffice to say I rarely see my grandchildren, four times a year probably maximum.

As a result, I feel there is not a relationship between us. When we do see them they barely say "hello", cannot make eye contact and there are issues regarding their behaviour. So much so that after years of walking on egg shells, biting my tongue I finally cracked and told a grandchild that she was rude. Daughter-in-law went berserk, screaming etc. we cut short our visit and left.

Have tried to instigate opportunity to talk things over to no avail. Any advice please.


Greatnan Sun 24-Jun-12 14:29:47

That is very sad. I think you have to decide whether you want to be right or you want to be happy. If you decide on the latter, it looks as if you will have to apologise for the 'rude' comment, no matter how much you feel it was justfied. The problem will be if your DIL and son refuse to accept your apology or if they want to keep on arguing about it.

petallus Sun 24-Jun-12 16:19:13

Tigger I wonder if there is some kind of long standing tension/problem between you and your son and daughter-in-law, not only to do with grandchildren's behaviour.

I think you could try and bite your tongue (many of us gransnetters have said we do this) but if there is continuing resentment you could well crack again under the strain.

So your idea of talking things over sounds good if you can manage to get the others to agree.

Not sure how old your grandchildren are but maybe you could take a step or two back and let the parents deal with any rudeness. Of course they might not do this to your satisfaction or even at all. Ideas on behaviour do change from generation to generation don't they?

Good luck!

crimson Sun 24-Jun-12 16:59:13

tigger; can only sympathise having snapped a few weeks ago in a similar way. I think what we do is smooth over underlying issues for a long time rather than resolving them [if it's possible that is] because of the fear of losing contact with our grandchildren. Alas,not in a position to offer advise having dug myself into a hole as well sad.

AlisonMA Sun 24-Jun-12 17:58:24

I agree with Greatnan I think you have to chose what is most important to you. I sympathise as I have to bite my tongue all the time with one of my DiLs. Doesn't matter what I do I'm still in the wrong.

greenmossgiel Sun 24-Jun-12 18:18:34

In the last 12 years, tigger, has something happened in your family to cause strain amongst you all, perhaps? In all that time, you (and probably not just yourself), will have had sad and angry thoughts about the situation, wishing that it wasn't so. During that time, did you ever feel that you'd do anything to resolve matters, if only someone would be receptive to what you wanted to say? If this is the case, then could you bring yourself to grit your teeth and say sorry, and tell your son and daughter-in-law how much they and the grandchildren mean to you? I've had reason to have to do something similar, after having been estranged from my daughter for 7 years. I dread that ever happening again, and would walk through hell and high water to prevent it.
'A mother's place is in the wrong' many of us have come to realise!

tigger Mon 25-Jun-12 13:57:44

Thank you everyone for your help and advice. Yes I think there is a long standing issue but don't know what it is. I suspect (this is my second marriage) that my son feels more attention is paid to my husband's children than his but can put my hand on my heart and say I have tried so hard for this not to be the case.

Many thanks again


ChrissieR Mon 25-Jun-12 18:18:33

How old are your grandchildren? I was wondering if they had email and you could keep in touch that way. My grandchildren live locally to me but I sent them lots of emails anyway and now they have iPods we FaceTime each other. They like links to funny things on youtube or I take photos of things that might interest them and send those. If no email then how about sending funny postcards. You might not get a rely but the contact will be there and the children more disposed to you when you do see them.