To expect payment for childcare of DGCs

I agree that it's ok to say no if the time/cost/responsibility are too much. For what ever reason.

I agree that it's ok to have additional costs for meals/petrol/outings re-imbursed.

I agree with the concept of regularly reviewing childcare arrangements to ensure they're still appropriate/convenient/achievable.

I can't get anywhere near understanding why any grandparent would seek recognition of the time they are devoting to their grandchildren.

Good article. And crimson, I am completely with you on the holidays point. I did go on holiday last year during term time and DD took the week off to cover, but apart from that I have always felt too guilty about forcing her to use up holiday allowance outside of school holidays.

Picking up on someone else's question: when I say "wraparound care", I mean both before and after school. That's what the childminder who picks up from the DGCs school calls it.

Thanks, whenim; that article so sums up what I had been feeling, the problem being that I didn't actually realise I was feeling those things until it all blew up because [as it said in the article] I was 'tired and cranky']. And sometimes, much as I love coming onto this site I read about people going off on holidays and such like and realised that I couldn't go on holiday in term time when it was cheaper because of my commitment; also most of my neighbours are retired and also the people I deal with at work, so I was constantly asking them about their holidays with a smile on my face but inwardly screaming . I've not had a proper 'abroad where it's sunny' holiday for @ 6 years. Along with working quite long hours myself the resentment was starting to build up for quite a while. And, of course, there's also another side to most stories, especially when a son or daughter moves closer to grandparents so they can have more childcare from them. I think every grandparent who sets out on the childminding road should print off that article and give it to their kids to read as well. Might have saved a lot of heartache in my case.

granbo if your daughter doesn't pay you, you will feel resentful, if your daughter does pay you, she will feel resentful. Trouble ahead?

How would you feel if your daughter decided to get a child-minder instead of you? It could be a solution. She would feel independent and free from obligation to you. You would have more spare time to do your own thing.

You could still see your grandchildren sometimes.

How about you setting some boundaries then granbo? You have an idea of what you need in terms of time out, and even though we all adore our grandchildren we are not their parents, who are younger and more energetic. What else do you want to do? Are you prevented from taking holdays, meeting friends for lunch, having evenings out? Surely there is some room for flexibility, and if not perhaps you could build some in.

Anagram, thanks, I can see that I must have a skewed view of this. Call it what you like but I feel there is a lot of noise about people enjoying their retirements and although I am perhaps not that type, I'd like some recognition from DD that I am giving something up - in terms of time - to help her out.

NannaJennie glad you said!! "face"!! lol lol.

My circumstances are I look after GS quite a few mornings up at 6am and take him breakfast club at 8 (this is because Mr Biker isnt well and cant have GS here until 9-00) I take him to parties/school functions, take him home put him bed sometimes,pay for school trips/bits of uniform/party presents etc as DD has struggled and is knackered by time she comes home after a shift on The Orthapedic ward where she works, I do quite a bit of running about using fuel and all the other extras, yes I am out of pocket but it doesnt bother me..if I have it I have it if I don't I don't end of! but I could never take money off DD for childcare (perhaps some spending money etc druing 6 weeks holidays etc) but I would never ask even though we are short. Its just a case of getting on with it and getting through each day with what we have.But every one is different and maybe crimson hit the nail on the head, maybegranbo would like a little more time to herself.

Sorry, granbo, my comment wasn't meant to disparage your choice of username - it related to something else entirely.
I'm sure a lot of grandparents (myself included) do occasionally, or often, feel unappreciated and taken for granted by our grown up children. In my case, my daughter is a single parent and on a very tight budget, so the question of payment doesn't come into it when I look after her girls when they aren't at school. I just don't understand why it seems to be such a big issue for you.

Brilliant crimson. Here's the link:

www.grandparents.com/gp/content/expert-advice/family-matters/article/grandmother-not-babysitter-barbara-graham.html

I can't cut and paste things, but if you google 'I'm the grandmother not the babysitter' theres a really good article that summed up exactly what I had been [subconsciously] feeling.

Looked after GS over 11 yrs for days,evenings,weekends with no thought of payment even when they were earning much more than me.
So how am I rewarded -by being denied all contact with him by his mother and stepdad
Sorry to rant about this again.(posted on 2 other threads) but one evening this week had a 4page diatribe from ex DIL pushed thro' my letter box.
(is a diatribe only verbal?)
If you look after GC do treasure those times .You may not have them for long.
Did you read Victoria Hislop's quote -'Grandparents are a very precious resource'

I'm sorry to have engendered negativity; I am genuinely interested in the views of other Gransnetters as I don't feel comfortable discussing this with people who know both me and DD (which is everyone I know). I've realised from this thread that I really feel taken for granted although perhaps that is unreasonable in the circumstances. It sounds as though other grans have similar feelings of wanting to be more appreciated.

As to my name: "Granbo" is what DGS calls me as sounds like "Rambo"!

I think the moral of this thread is that we all start out with good intentions about helping with our grandchildren, but we're talking about a period of time that will encompass several/many years and during this time the dynamics of the whole thing changes. And it's very difficult to sometimes feel that our children, no matter how much they need our help now still have their whole lives before them whereas we're beyond the point of equilibrium. Perhaps a good idea to re evaluate the amount of childcare on, say , a yearly basis so both parties can air their views before it leads to confrontation of some kind. Note to self, wish I'd done so .

What on earth is 'wraparound care'? It sounds like jargon - similar to 'looked after' children.

I'm confused too, Granbo because you have said some things that you've contradicted since. I'm not here to have a go at you, though. Here's an example that you gave to explain your financial position compared with your daughter:

'I was happy to help her get back on her feet with a job by offering to take care of dropping off/collecting the DGCs from school and lookihg after them till DD got home, as we are both retired anyway and have good pensions, no mortgage, etc'

Agreed!

Granbo tread carefully. I agree that you should not feel 'taken advantage of' but the relationship you have with your grandchildren is the envy of many grandparents.

If you are not in any real financial difficulties yourself then why do you feel that money needs to be brought into this arrangement?

I see any money I spend on my grandchildren as a delight and a priviledge. My daughter and her husband work very hard but struggle financially through no fault of their own. If I can help (and I can - I see it as part of my role as her Mum and as a grandma, then I do and gladly.

Is it perhaps that she does not appreciate what you do? Does she forget to thank-you?. Its probably just something she forgets with all that life has to throw at her.

Please try to let the money element become less important, nothing sours a loving family relationship more than bringing financial values into what many would see as an arrangement that allows you to be a fully involved Grandma.

johanna I had this feeling too, I still pitched in though. There is something about the confindence and resiliance of this poster which seems a little unreal. Its all so cold and analytical. A single parent has to earn quite a bit to run a car, pay rent/mortgage, bills food etc, There would not be much money left to pay 'gran'.
This could be someone writing an article about grandparents helping with childcare.

Another point, already made but I will say again, I copied the use of the term 'wraparound care' in my other post, which does NOT mean taking to and picking up from school, it has a far more detailed meaning where the care and the education are connected?

That username.....

I've been thinking the same thing, johanna. I'm outta here.

I seeing some jealousy here 'granbo'. Does your daughter have the lifestyle, work, car and child care that you would have wished for? Is that why you are feeling taken for granted and hard- done by?

Why do I get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach?
Another Bogus Poster?
For me , so much the OP says , is so contradictory , it does not add up.

My DD hasn't really got any other childcare options because she can't afford a nanny, doesn't have a spare room for an au pair, and there is no childminder who will pick up from the DGCs school who does the hours she needs (she told me that she had investigated this option).

When I offered to have the DGCs for free, DD was really short of cash and there was no other option. Now however she is better-off, has recently bought a new (well, not new, but to replace the old banger she had) car, and generally seems to enjoy the trappings of a nicer lifestyle. I am pleased to see her being able to treat the DGCs to a meal out every now and then or a trip to Legoland, but - although we are comfortable day-to-day - I don't have extra cash to splash around on "treats" and it irks me that she is getting something for free which she expects as her right. If I wasn't around she would have to make other arrangements which would cost money. I do appreciate that I'm in the minority with this view though, which has made me think twice about raising it with her again. Thank you all.

When I looked after my two DGSs. I didn't ask for any costs to be covered. We fed them after school and often took them out to places like Pizza Express during the holidays. Last summer we took our younger DD's three children on a river cruise for a week so the parents could have a much needed holiday together because SIL is in the Navy and spends months away. We are not well off but that doesn't matter a jot when it comes to enjoying the time we have with out DGCs.
How on earth can you expect to be paid on top of receiving money for costs, granbo?

You seem to want someone to agree with you, granbo, and say that of course your daughter should pay you. But you're flogging a dead horse, here.
Do as you think fit - but do you really want to jeopardise your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren for the sake of a few pounds, which you admit you don't really need anyway?