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How I wish I could say enough is enough....

(70 Posts)
Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 12:41:03

The school holidays are on us again and I have been dreading it but trying to plan ahead with ideas..not very successfully I might add,we are day 1 and they do not return until the 7th September,I had invited another child from where we lived to keep E company as the activities for her are non existent here,to have another body here is difficult due to size of house,but we get round it, one thing I didn't plan on was my son and his wife have seperated..they only married last October...I contributed financially...He was savaged by DIL dog...another saga...and we were asked to drop all and rush down to help that was a,onto ago it cost us money we don't have,and as Kerry's carer he only had pocket money,they mutually decided to seperated whilst she was in hospital...her CF was causing her problems...he came back to live with us ..on the sofa with his dog....he has applied for council housing..long wait he was a council tenant with Kerry in our old area...and as he has no job ..he is looking and applying,cannot get deposit for private rent,we are keeping him..not his fault I know,but expensive,I am trying to keep peace all round as OH is a saint as he puts up with lot from E..son is no trouble but used to living his own life and finding hard to live under our roof again,E is just being E....on top of that we are having a new kitchen fitted which is so disruptive and the backlog of washing etc for 4is getting to me as well as trying to provide money and food etc,son doesn't drive he needs to be taken to places as no bus route,and no money so I have to take him,he is bored and fidgety and worried ,his dog is digging up my garden,I feel stretched so much my BP is sky high already take medication for it and stress and out of question no money school uniform to buy it too much to want the uncomplicated life ,I long just to please myself,and be the past have had this scenario with my brother living with me for two years...and a widowed mum for 20 years being very needy,and a mother in law also...I am so strung out .......rant over

gracesmum Mon 23-Jul-12 12:47:31

All I can send is some sympathy, some virtual flowers and the hope that somehow y ou can salvage a few moments to yourself and your DH to keep you going through what sounds like a nightmare sunshine and flowersxxx

Greatnan Mon 23-Jul-12 12:50:48

My dear Nellie - how I wish I could help you. It may seem harsh, but do you not think it is time for your son to be independent? Where would he be living if he did not have you to bail him out? He must be entitled to some benefits.
You are going to collapse if you keep trying to look after so many people.

Nonu Mon 23-Jul-12 12:52:00

This is heartbreaking , sympathy

gracesmum Mon 23-Jul-12 12:59:44

Maybe wishful thinking, but could he not at least help with the laundry and generally around the house, especially with work going on?

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 13:00:19

Thanks another drama just occurred the flipping dog has just eaten some weed killer that had fallen from the shelf in the shed,completely obliterating the packet so we don't know what was in it...we have pet insurance son has none ..and we are being asked if we can dog to the vet...more money.
gracesmum thanks for your kind words...
greatnan yes he is applying for job seekers but that will take an age to come through,but there is a shortage of work in this area..he doesn't have a penny to his name,because of Kerry's illness he became her carer but they had to live on benefits so money was always tight....he will move out but I fear not in the foreseeable future.

Mishap Mon 23-Jul-12 13:00:23

It looks as though you spend a lot of time being kind to others - time to be kind to yourself. We cannot be all things to all people.
Please look after yourself.

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 13:05:10

He does offer to help but OH is home from college also and we are all falling over each other,he doesn't have a bedroom so his stuff is spread in an already bulging at the seams try and keep the peace between two men and soothe things over as I know OH does resent as he sees an intruder,already keep peace between him and E as they can rub each other up wrong way..all I need is for E to go on the rampage as well through boredom and not spending the holidays as she would like

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 13:08:27

Dear Littlenellie Bless your cotton socks! You shouldn't have so many dramas to cope with without being able to enlist help from other family members. I have to agree with Mishap. You need to be kinder to yourself. If I lived just along the road from you, I would pop in and sort out your ironing. As for the poor dog, gracious me, that sounds awful. My heart goes out to you, sweetie pie. You're in my thoughts. flowers

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 13:12:57

Littlenellie If letting off steam helps...then blast away. There won't be a GN who cannot empathise with you. I feel choked! You're such a good person. Life needs to give you a break. smile

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 13:27:04

Thank you lovely soop and all of you for your replies,am feeling up against it today and not looking forward to the next few months letting off steam does help.
I like peace and quiet in order to collect my thoughts and deal with things,I as I get older cant deal with people in my face all the time,also feel as though I have aged in the last 6 months,I will be 60 in December,am being pressured to return to work by DWP Iam on ESA following two breakdowns after Kate died,cannot 'retire' till september2015...everything is just a mess and uncertain...certainly got the miseries today...

greenmossgiel Mon 23-Jul-12 13:32:44

Littlenellie - you just do not need all this, but that's bloomin' life, eh! Sometimes good things hardly ever happen, and all the bad things fly at you 10 things at a time. Can you walk away for a few hours, and let them all get on with it? They would have to get on with it, if you collapsed from all this stress that's building up for you. Your shoulders will be up around your ears just now. You do know that all this will settle, though, don't you? My other 'arf just doesn't get on with our son. In fact they just don't get on with each other, if I'm honest. I really think that if none of the family ever came back to the house the other 'arf would be as happy as Larry. That makes me angry and annoyed and sad. It's how it is though. Your OH is doing his best and I'm sure your lad is as well. It's been a terrible, terrible time for you - bless you - you'll get through it, and in the meantime, here's a warm arm around your shoulders and hoping for a bit of sunshine in your life. sunshine

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 13:37:58

green Your message to Nellie brings tears to my eyes. How I wish that I could be of some help to her.

AlisonMA Mon 23-Jul-12 13:42:11

nellie I wish I had some good advice for you but I am completely stumped about what you can do other than let off steam. The only thing I can suggest is that you go for a long walk on your own. Your being there all the time isn't helping them get on so what have you got to lose? Make you son look after E some of the time, it won't kill him!

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 13:52:01

Thanks green as soop says I have tears in my eyes from reading your lovely post,I know I am not the only one who has these problems,most of the time I cope ,but I am feeling the effects from the stress which is why my BP is sky high,but when your kids need help and there is no other family willing to help,as usual it falls to me to sort it out...might be easier if it wasn't school holidays as E is very demanding of time money,food,entertainment,and I find it exhausting to keep thinking of ideas weekends,holidays to keep her amused...we live in a a village where there are one two buses a day and her friends from school live miles away,I then get in a situation where I am collecting/delivering having sleepovers which are very rarely returned.

Anagram Mon 23-Jul-12 13:59:05

Just caught up with this thread - I'm so sorry you've got all these problems, nellie. Like the others, I wish I could help, but have no additional advice to give, except keep telling yourself things will work out in the end! It must feel as though you're living in a madhouse - try to take some time out for yourself, though I know it's easier said than done! x

soop Mon 23-Jul-12 14:07:45

Littlenellie I'm feeling guilty! I had no idea how mush stress you're dealing with. You put on such a brave and cheerful face. You make us laugh and I've been longing to have you back so that I may laugh with you. How silly I've been. If you can think of anything that would cheer you and that is within my power to do for you, please say.

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 14:26:06

ahh soop you are not to feel guilty as you haven't done anything except be a friend and chat ,I tend to keep things to myself until all of a sudden I blow,things have been stressful since February when we where involved in a nasty car accident,with a foreign 44 tonne lorry we where lucky to get out alive and unscathed,compensation has been a long time being sorted as driver /Lorry details had to be traced through foreign insurers and. Ot sure of they could be traced,insurance wasn't enough to buy another car of same age and value so have to get a considerably older one which is essential due to our location,all seemingly seperated incidents just crank up until you cant take much more also GP has cut the dose of my antidepressants as she says the dose I was on has shown in research to cause heart problems in the elderly!! Is that me ? And I should cut my dosage....actually seeing. My catalogue of woe today am not surprised I feel like this....just hope I haven't brought you all down as well with my moaning...thank you all so you allxxxxxx

granjura Mon 23-Jul-12 14:54:15

Just don't know what more to say, as they have said it all.
My heartfelt sympathy - I hope you find a way forwards soon.
Could you talk to your GP and ask if social services can help. hugs

greenmossgiel Mon 23-Jul-12 14:54:29

Littlenellie, how do we keep going, I often wonder? Is it a mother/woman thing? Are we just so, so strong that our backs only bend a bit beneath all the burdens, but never break? I don't want to upset or offend the granddads on here, but in my own experience, I've only seen the female of the species being the ones who take on all of the pressures that family problems bring. I don't mean that the men do nothing (though some don't). I just mean that we seem to try to cover every side of every problem. Then we have to deal with the balancing of the emotional side of things to keep the family happy and provided for, whether it be calming down situations that are ready to blow, or pretending that it really is no trouble/expense to feed or do washing/make room for those who need us to help them. Sometimes we feel so stretched that there is nothing left of us for ourselves. And so we pretend we're alright. And because we pretend we're alright, those who need us so much believe what we want them to believe, and we get more and more stretched and stressed, and then we become ill, because our bodies make us slow down. I know you know all of this, but I really do feel for you. I do so wish, as soop just said, that we could help you somehow. xxx

Butternut Mon 23-Jul-12 14:57:40

I am a great believe in a place of sanctuary, and you certainly seem to need a place to call your own when you can find peace and quiet, as you mentioned you like.
Here's an idea.
Tell everyone from hereonin that for one hour (or however long you think you can manage) you will retreat to your room - every day. (bedroom probably)
Make a sign
Put it on the door for the duration.
Do not leave for tea making, telephone or requests for help (unless an emergency)
Make it quite clear to all in the house that this is your time and you will be available to all before and after the 1 hour.
If it's at all possible, try to keep the time the same every day, so you and everyone else gets used to it.

This might not be easy, but try it.

It may help you feel more in control of everything that's going on for you right now.

Might be worth a try.

All the best.

Ella46 Mon 23-Jul-12 15:06:45

Oh nellie you really do get more than your fair share of troubles, I feel for you.
If only we could all come round en masse and each take away a part of your problems,and make life easier for you. We would do it in a flash.

We can only be your virtual friends, and send you our love and support. If it helps for you to let off steam on here, then we will listen.
Take care of yourself and delegate as much as you are able. (((hugs)))

Anagram Mon 23-Jul-12 15:17:01

I wonder if it would be possible for you to borrow a caravan or similar (if you have room in your garden area)? Then at least you could get your brother out of the house and from under your feet for a good part of the day (and all night)!
Just an idea, because I think that's what I'd try to do!

granjura Mon 23-Jul-12 15:19:11

What a brilliant idea - if you have the space. Thinking of you - try oh try to get some 'me' time and space.

Littlenellie Mon 23-Jul-12 15:19:24

butternut you have made an interesting comment just now about feeling in control and I don't as my routines ..not that I follow them religiously,or my frame work has gone awry in order to feel in control I need to be organised,not organise other people that way I have leeway to be flexible,but at the moment all I feel is trapped and the school holiday is the last straw because of the constant demands and pressure to be available,am just sitting chilling at the moment and getting my breath back as it has been a month of upheaval with my son so far,being able to express myself on here has been an tremendous help as before I have never been able to put into the spoken word how I feel without sounding needy or angry or downright petulant,this has certainly shown me an insight into myself.when we had to have a psychology report for the courts the consultant asked me a question she said I am a problem solver and a thinker but pay little attention to MY feelings on those of others,I always answered "I think" not "I feel""
green your reply is very insightful,you have obviously been in this position yourself to empathise so accurately,we carry on nurturing our children whatever age and at a certain stage in your life your relationship with your parents undergo a change and you have the role reversal,depression is truly the curse of the strong....thank you all so much for your lovely replies and empathy and your supportxxxxxxxxxxxx