Gransnet forums


to expect people to say Thank you?

(56 Posts)
gracesmum Sat 28-Jul-12 10:48:38

DH is the eldest in his family and by default the "mantle" of providing family "do's" has fallen on us. I love entertaining despite the expense ( see vegasmag's thread) and the fact that DH is no longer able to help and I do feel that someone has to fulfil this role for a family - my MIL used to be wonderful. But does anybody ever ring/text/email to say Thank you? I believe they genuinely think it, but is it so unreasonable to hear it?

vampirequeen Sat 28-Jul-12 11:59:51

I think you have every right to expect a 'thank you'. You've put in all that work and carried the expense the least people can do is show some gratitude.

Unfortunately please and thank you seem to be leaving usual vocabulary these days. When I was a child it was taught as a matter of form so we tend to say it without thinking but these days a lot of children aren't taught it. My stepchildren get very confused because they don't have to be polite when they're at their mothers but have to be polite here. I have a condition that makes me go deaf when children demand something but miraculously disappears at the words please and thank yousmile

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 13:19:00

Well said vampire smile

riclorian Sat 28-Jul-12 13:21:49

With you on this one Vampire [smile ]

riclorian Sat 28-Jul-12 13:23:42

I'll try again smile

riclorian Sat 28-Jul-12 13:24:14


soop Sat 28-Jul-12 13:25:40


absentgrana Sat 28-Jul-12 13:28:47

I am sufficiently old-fashioned to write thank-you letters to my host and hostess after I have been entertained for dinner or stayed for a weekend. If someone has been especially kind, I usually send flowers as well. Pretty much all my friends do the same thing when they come to visit us. Is it just families that take hospitality for granted?

gracesmum Sat 28-Jul-12 15:12:22

Maybe.............. Years ago (about 20) I had everybody plus niece from Brazil, plus niece's friend- we had people sleeping like sardines on the floor !- and I was absolutely knackered as I was still teaching and meals for all those people took a bit of preparing andthen too, only Granny wrote and thanked me. I also know the one year we said we were not hosting Christmas but going to DD1 (with a baby, she felt she couldn't feed the 5,000so had asked us plus her sisters) one member of the family (of our generation) had a complete wobbly, tears and all, and felt left out/excluded etc etc.It's a bit like assuming Mum will always provide and as you say, taking it for granted.
I am just a bit grumpy as it was a bit of a hassle doing all that cooking for yesterday in Thursday's heat!

Barrow Sat 28-Jul-12 15:15:14

I have to say it depends on who I am saying thank you to. If to a friend after a lunch out together then I usually text to say thanks for an enjoyable time. The same when I stay overnight at a relatives (as long as no meals are provided - in which case I send some flowers.) To the lady who contacted my Mother to let her know that some former neighbours had passed away - a short note to say thank you for her kindness. My Mother lives in Australia so it was particularly kind of her to write.

greenmossgiel Sat 28-Jul-12 15:27:18

I always phone to say thank you, or send a letter or notelet. smile It's just the way I was brought up, and my granddaughters seem to have been brought up the same way, I'm pleased to say. So I must have done something right when I brought my bunch up!

youngatheart123 Sat 28-Jul-12 15:32:26

I tend to find that "things that go without saying" are normally the things we should say more and more often. And it's normally families who forget absentgrana, yes!

I get frustrated with people who don't say thank you when, clearly, manners suggest they should - when I hold a door open for them, when I lend them something or buy them something. I'll say 'you're welcome' when no 'thank you' comes!

I used to write Thank You letters all the time, but now I email. That's progress for you! It's a recent talent of mine and I'm loving it.

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 15:32:48

I always either phoe or send a greetings card together with a personal message. It would worry me not to do so. Good manners matter. smile

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 15:33:13

phone!!! hmm

JO4 Sat 28-Jul-12 15:46:40

But, don't you usually just say "thank you for the lovely dinner" as you are leaving. I would never expect family to ring/text/write thank you letter after the event. So long as they say it at the time. (And they do!)

whenim64 Sat 28-Jul-12 15:51:39

I usually say thank you when leaving and then send an email.

GillieB Sat 28-Jul-12 15:56:09

I find that saying thank you is so ingrained in me that when we arrive on the drive after being out shopping, etc., I even say thank you to my husband for having driven us! And I always used to say thank you to the bus driver when I got off the bus.

If I have been out to a close friend's for a meal I usually text and say thank you, but if we have been staying with friends I always write them a note when we get home. My son always texts to say thank you after he has a meal here (and more often than not he and his wife bring something), my daughter often texts, but not always.

soop Sat 28-Jul-12 15:59:19

GillieB Are we twins? grin

goose1964 Sat 28-Jul-12 17:21:46

I have to admit I don't provide a written thank you - but I always thenk the person who invited me in person on the day . In reurn I wouldn't expect my kids to write to thank me either.

glammanana Sat 28-Jul-12 17:36:45

When going to a dinner party I will always take a small gift with me and thank the hostess for inviting us and on leaving I will thank the other guests for their company (even if I have bored witless)and follow up with either a phone call or e-mail.

Nonu Sat 28-Jul-12 17:53:09

Too true , always when we visit , will take something , never go empty handed and big thank you all round, follow up with email , it"s darn simple good manners wine going to have one now

Butternut Sat 28-Jul-12 18:20:46

I don't expect a thank-you, but it is lovely to have one! I'm not fussed at all about how or when it's given - be it verbal, email, fb, card or phone.
My last thank you was a bowl of duck eggs left outside the kitchen door. smile

Nonu Sat 28-Jul-12 19:01:35

I have never in all my life tasted a duck egg , don"t know whether I would want to

Butternut Sat 28-Jul-12 19:43:22

They're not that different to chicken eggs - if anything a little more delicate in taste. They're prettier though - pale blue and creamy blue/white. Lovely.

...... and free. smile

jack Sat 28-Jul-12 19:47:53

Don't think I have either, Nonu. But what a lovely gesture Butternut.

I treasure the thank you cards that invariably arrive after we have entertained friends, and I always send a little card and handwritten message after staying with people or attending formal functions (weddings, funerals etc.).

But I agree with others. Family members are more casual. I was therefore very touched that our GDD (aged ten) sent us a home-made card, with a UJ drawing on the front, after an extraordinarily wet and freezing Jubilee party to which we subjected the family. So there's hope that good manners haven't really died out.

All that nagging about writing thank you letters after Christmas and birthdays does pay off, 'though I used to dread having to do it when I was little because I wrote (forged?) my sister's thank you letters as well (she is two years younger than me) to avoid parental wrath!