between a rock and a hard place..

Sorry, folks, but, In the midst of this sadness and distress, I feel unable to offer even a hug or an offer of a shoulder to lean on; the term "useless platitudes" remains with me, no matter how much I want to express my support. I feel as if I have been useless myself to those of you in trouble. This is a little issue, but...

But, as no doubt someone will tell me, that is my problem.

I just don't know what to say except try and take care of yourself first and just if you can keep the door open for your daughter to stay in touch she is obviously wanting to keep in touch with you as she is still sending e-mails,she sounds frightened that she cannot be in control of her own feelings but that does not excuse the treatment you have received from her,I too would be concerned about the little ones but I'm sure their father is in control of that situation.

Yes, Greatnan is in this country at the moment but I think she will be back home quite soon and I am sure that this thread will ring some bells with her.

Absolutely Mickey - the effect on the children is hugely concerning but for Granny4, how hard it must be to worry about that and yet have to stand helplessly by. I remember my DiL screaming abuse at me and all the while little grandson slept in his pushchair, which made me think afterwards how he must be so used to it.

I've said it before and will say it again, you are a lovely lot and tolerate all my whingeing and carping and that is one of life's small bonuses. Thank you dearies, you have no idea how much it means to me.

Agree with everyone who advises help for yourself-it should help you to cope. The real worry here for me is the small children and the effect of a tense situation at home on them. I suffered this and still remember it in my sixties. Its a shame the husband is so frightened as he could be a buffer for the childrens emotional health. But get some support for yourself. Also its not your fault-she's an intelligent adult, and knows affairs happen and should get over it.

We'll no doubt be getting all the news soon, then!

I think Greatnan is over here at a wedding? Grandjura will know!

My daughter, who estranged herself from us for a number of years, can be quite violent when fearful and angry. I know that she has been diagnosed with a degree of mental health issue, and simply cannot cope when things get on top of her. She cannot manage finances and lives quite chaotically, but is a loving mother and grandma herself.
Just talking about your own fears on here will help you a bit, Granny4. Everyone has different reasons for their behaviour, and without your knowing the full story of your daughter's problem it's impossible to know how to face it all.
Is Greatnan away just now? I was just thinking that she would be able to put her own slant on this, too?

The problem as I see it, having lived with a person who I am sure has a Personality Disorder is they most probably will never be diagnosed. They normally don't seek professional help. At least having some understanding of why a person acts in the way they do does help a lot.

Granny4 and Nanban

I don't think anyone is assuming anything. Just suggesting possibilities.

I'm in the camp for seeing the daughter as unhappy/very angry rather than assuming, at this stage, that she has a mental illness.

I also think it's an excellent idea that OP should seek some counselling herself to enable her to deal better with the situation and also hopefully get a broader view.

nanban

Get real nanban. A step BACK does not mean opting out, it is simply that. Stand back, take a time to think about the situation before taking any actions that could make the situation worse.

I think this is what granny4 is doing by enlisting our support. I hope you and your family manage you work this situation t somehow xx

This is a very sad situation and I think the best suggestion that has come up is for the OP to discuss with a counsellor (preferably with MH training and experience) who might be able to advise the most appropriate response and look at all sides of the problem, including offering the OP some support.

Daughter does sound very unhappy and all the family are suffering.

nanban I think your reaction is entirely normal you have been so hurt and wounded over your treatment,that you are protecting yourself and to attack is the best form of self defence when you feel threatened.Events shape our lives and our reactions to other events....especially where our children are involved...Gransnet is a safety valve and a way of getting different perspectives and checking wether you are "normal" in your reaction to events,there is so much support on here which is given freely and received gratefully big hug from nelliexxxxx

Nanban You are right, as long as we are sure of our anonymity, we can say the unsayable (about our family) on here.

And be sure of understanding from friends.

granny4 and nanban, and any others in such a situation . I am sorry for your continuing suffering, but it is good for those of us who do not have these problems to know about them, and if being able to tell us helps anyone, even in a small way, then that is good.

The result of being in 'our' situations is that family relationships are all changed, like a poisonous little bomb in the midst that destroys/distorts bits of everyone. I am simply not the person I thought I was, or used to be, and I look and behave quite differently towards everyone else. I was not an angry person but now that's my first reaction when I hear the smallest of criticisms. It's not something I can do anything about - it is a sort of traumatic stress. And the awful thing is that I now hand out criticism far too easily - criticising those who say we shouldn't jump to conclusions over the personality of this daughter, not the best way to go.

Is my daughter-in-law a disturbed personality - I have no way of knowing; is this daughter disturbed, ditto. And that is the greatest stress of all - not knowing, not having the diagnosis but having to live with the symptoms, with nice ordinary people on the outside not comprehending; I stand in the shoes of a dear friend who stood there for 10 years before her son spoke to her, and I wish I knew then what I know now.

The wonderful thing about gransnet is that people really do know and if they want to say their son/daughter has a personality disorder, this is most likely the only place they can say so.

Nanban, I'm very glad to know that we've been a help to you - and hopefully to other grans in similar circumstances.

I agree with Vampirequeen that there may well be MH issues here that need sorting. However, only psychiatric tests well determine what course to take, it doesn't do to go jumping in heavy handed. It may well be that counselling to help her understand and deal with her various hang ups may be enough. I've seen it work wonders. The problem is persuading her.

Actually you may find that a couple of sessions with a counsellor yourself will help you understand how to deal with the situation better. Being able to talk fully, frankly and confidentially to someone completely uninvolved might be very useful.

But I can see that to stand on the sidelines and watch their lives fall apart isn't an option especially with regard to the little ones and it would be awful for you to loose contact. Oh, what a terrible situation.

A PS to Annobel - I've had enormous help and support from everyone and that has been wonderful for me, I'd like the same for everyone.

OK. Maybe I got it wrong, and if I did, apologies.

Thank you Anagram - absolutely right. I thought some people were trying to offer up helpful pointers, and were being told not to in a way. We all have an opinion and should be able to voice it, and some of us may be very easily be put off by being told what is and is not acceptable. No, I'm not saying that very well either - sorry.

Well, yes, ana I agree with that

I do think that perhaps Nanban's second post has been misinterpreted - my feeling was that she was reacting to the suggestion by some that we should not attempt to analyse the behaviour of others, or mention MH issues, without knowing the whole story.

I don't think we have stood back and uttered 'useless platitudes'. That is not out way. What can we do? We are detached from the situation and can only guess at what Granny4 is going through. Sympathy and a shoulder do show her that she is not alone. It wouldn't surprise me if someone, unbeknown to the rest of us will pm her or has already done so.
Tell us, Nanban - since you first told us your distressing story over a year ago now, is that all you think we have done for you - stood back and uttered 'useless platitudes'? I do hope not.