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Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated.

(15 Posts)
Dilly20 Wed 15-Aug-12 15:38:37

Hi everyone. I was reading Bobbi's story and it touched a nerve, more like yanked a nerve.
I am trapped in a situation and do not know how to get out of it. I am married no children. My husband was a wonderful man until he got sick a few years ago after never having been ill. He now enjoys ill health fully. His moods turn on a sixpence so I live on a knife edge most of the time never knowing what the day will bring as he fights any attempts at a routine. My home is a tip as he will cause mess as soon as it's cleaned and as I cannot trust him alone in a room, I can only do chores whilst he is having a nap. Our home has now got to the state where I look at it and feel overwlemed and just give up. It is dingy and needs painting and whilst I can do this myself, the thought of even attempting it with him moaning ad puttinng obstacles in my way puts me off. He bitterly resents the fact that I have had to take charge yet when I passed it all back to him, he could not cope and bills never got paid etc. His income is a third more than I have yet he only pays certain bills. This is a man who was once so generous. He has changed to the opposite of what he once was. I have no close family and feel so miserable most of the time. When I do feel happy he will make sure that it stops. We live almost seperate lives. He seems to treat me as if I am his mother as he 'treated' his Mum rather than pay her a weekly board & rent. My Mum told me years ago I should have had housekeeping money but as he was so generous it never seemed a problem. I want to move out and live alone but have no idea how to go about it as all the help places seem to be for battered women. Sorry for the moaning but I really could do with some advice.

AlisonMA Wed 15-Aug-12 15:58:16

Hi Dilly Can you talk to his doctor? If he has changed so much due to his illness is there something they can do? I have no experience of this and hope that others will be more able to help you but it seems awful for him too and maybe there is some medication which would help him. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

tanith Wed 15-Aug-12 16:01:58

Sounds like a nightmare Dilly, how sad , is the change due to his illness and can you discuss it with him? or speak to your GP about his mood swings they may be controllable with meds. Do you earn enough to support yourself if you moved out? Lots of questions I know.. I'm sure there will be others along with support and advice, and it does help to talk about it .

glammanana Wed 15-Aug-12 16:04:18

dilly From reading your post it seems that your husband is suffering from some sort of depression could I be right in that if not then I apolgise,you should not have to put up with this kind of behaviour anyway is he doing this because he knows that you have no where else to turn? Your local housing dept can help you with rehousing if you go and register with them are you of a certain age because with most social housing if you are over 55yrs you will be considered for semi-sheltered housing which will mostly consist of a 1 bed apartment and just because it states supported housing it does not mean you have to be cared for it means that it is a mainly independent flat with support as and when you need it in later life.You cannot live your life on a knife edge and you deserve to enjoy your life,can a social worker or CAB advisor help with your husbands problems I hope you find peace.

granjura Wed 15-Aug-12 16:05:28

That must be so hard. I have a friend here who is in the same situation - and it is so hard to watch her suffer.

Do you have the same GP as your OH? If so, do make an appointment and explain that you are at the end of your tether and ask for advice and support. Easier if you have the same one, as s/he will be aware of his condition- but doesn't really matter.

As far as money is concerned, you have to bite the bullet and say bills should all be shared, in proportion to income. You could also go to the Citizen's advice bureau to ask for an initial appointment with a lawyer to discuss your rights- in case you do eventually decide to leave him. Bonne chance.

crimson Wed 15-Aug-12 16:15:32

Dilly I understand how you feel about your surroundings. I've been cleaning my house out over the past few months; 10 years after splitting from my husband it was becoming tired and shabby and, quite frankly pretty grubby. The cleaner and tidier it gets the better I feel [it had reached the overwhelming state that people get into where it just gets worse and worse and is then beyond improvement]. You'll get so much help and support on here and will be able to think through where to go from here, lifewise. I take it he's still working? I think when you have no close family people feel they can bully you [for want of a better word] and it sounds as if that's what he's doing. Even when he was generous, I wonder if he tended to make you feel bad about yourself? I'm not wishing to be nosy, but it reminds me of my marriage;my husband was so good to me in many ways, especially financially, but made me feel useless and a waste of everyones time.

bikergran Wed 15-Aug-12 16:16:40

Dilly20 hello, I have just read your post, and I'm sure there are a few of us that know exactly what you trying to say, I havn't an answer for you right now, but I do know that there will be many Gransnetters trying to help you in any way they can, and in the mean time we are here to listen to anything you need to offload, no matter what it is in any shape or form, you are taking the first steps and "talking" which is a good start....keep talking, keep posting.There are so many on here with good advice and hopefully can point you in the right direction.

Butternut Wed 15-Aug-12 16:28:02

Dilly20. What a good thing you've done to write your post - a big first step taken, which is the important one.
You've already received kind and thoughtful comments, which I can only echo.
As biker says, keep talking, keep posting flowers

whenim64 Wed 15-Aug-12 16:55:48

Dilly I really feel for you. Only you will know whether it is right for you to make your own life. My ex had mental health problems (still has) and we had young children when I decided to leave. I had worked out what I could afford and although it was hard going, I'm glad we parted. One CPN said to me 'you are not his therapist. If he wants to get himself sorted, and prove to you that he cares enough to try to keep well, you will soon be able to tell, as his illness is minor and can be easily controlled.' All he did was find another partner who would put up with his emotional abuse and mean ways. He didn't attempt to change or accept treatment. His loss!

Perhaps when you know more about why he behaves like this, you will be able to decide. flowers

Granny23 Wed 15-Aug-12 17:34:16

Nowadays the agencies do not talk about 'battered' women but rather about 'domestic abuse'. Abuse can be emotional, mental, physical or sexual. It is for you to decide if your husband's conduct amounts to abusive behaviour - i.e. is it designed to upset, belittle or degrade you? does he try to control aspects of your life? If you find that the description fits then you should approach an agency such as Women's Aid who will be able to offer a package of support services including counselling, legal advice, your financial, benefits, and housing rights as well as a safe place to stay if you need to get away because your health (or sanity!) is suffering.

Unless it is challenged abusive behaviour will continue or worsen and I think you are right to be considering your options now before you get any older or your own health breaks down.

On a slightly different tack - what would happen if you just packed up and went on a solo 'holiday' for a couple of weeks? Would that bring him to his senses? It would certainly give you a break from living on a knife edge and a clearer head to decide what you want to do.

And remember that 'in sickness and in health' cuts both ways and is not an excuse for the one with the sickness to mistreat their partner/carer.

Annobel Wed 15-Aug-12 17:36:42

CAB could be your first port of call, Dilly. Some of the bigger bureaux may have a solicitor on board, many don't but all would be able to point you in the direction of one who does a free initial interview. You will be able to get plenty of advice about how to set the ball rolling and when you know you are taking action, you will feel empowered in a way you don't at the moment.

Nanban Wed 15-Aug-12 18:08:05

A friend in the same situation went and bought herself a mobile home to escape to - the marriage seemed to sort itself out and they staggered on for a bit longer perhaps than if she hadn't. But, I hear that she has now bought a small flat and is happier than she has been in a very long time. Is either option open to you? If not, I go along with the 'take a holiday break' suggestion - and Granny23 is absolutely right - just because you don't have bruises to show, doesn't mean that you aren't mentally battered. And mental abuse creeps up on you and affects how clearly you can think.

Rotten situation to be in and as usual some very good advice has been handed out.

Nanadogsbody Wed 15-Aug-12 18:23:56

I think there's a lot of good advice been offered here dilly. It's often hard to make the first move, but you've done that by speaking out. sunshine

Annobel Wed 15-Aug-12 19:06:14

Women's Aid organisations are not only for physically abused women. They also take psychological abuse seriously. You will probably find a number in the phone book or CAB can tell you how to contact them. Don't hold back from seeking sources of help, support and advice. They are there for you. So are we. ((((hugs)))) flowers

NfkDumpling Wed 15-Aug-12 19:28:35

We all support you and you should have enough advice and information help you decide what direction to take. I would only say that before you do anything drastic, do talk to your husband's doctor. He won't be able to give you any personal information but you must let him know the changes in your husband's character. You obviously can't continue like this. (If he's still working it may be affecting his relationship with colleagues or clients as well - and his prospects.)
Medication can have astounding influence on a person's character. For instance some treatments for Parkinson's can manifest severe bi-polar symptoms. A change in medication and help coming to terms with his illness may make things bearable. flowers